Am I really the daughter-in-law from hell?

[VerityClinch]

My in laws are coming to stay the week after next. In preparation, they have phoned DH to tell him they don't feel welcome here, think I barely tolerate their presence and that I don't like them.

I am dumbfounded.

This apparently stems from their last visit, when, allegedly, I "hid myself away" from them.

For context, when they last visited, my DD was 8 weeks old. I had had a c-section and blood transfusion. I had only been cleared by the doctor to lift my hands above my head for 10 days. Oh, and I was KNACKERED due to all of the above.

I did, indeed, spend one whole morning in bed with DD, breastfeeding. I did also go to bed every night at 10:30pm, while they stayed up drinking and chatting. I did this because I would be up another 3 times in the night, and because I was only allowing myself one glass of wine whilst trying - and failing, and feeling pretty crap about that too - to breastfeed.

BUT since we had turned the spare room they usually sleep in into the nursery, I had also cleared out the study, thrown away all my furniture and put in a smaller desk so we had room for a sofa bed (newly purchased for this reason) for them to sleep on.

I also did all the cooking while they were here, which meant separate meals for MIL as she is veggie.

Incidentally, I also do ALL birthday, Christmas, mothers day, fathers day, new job, good luck in exams, happy retirement etc etc shopping/cards. When pregnant, I sent them updates each time I saw the midwife/GP and sent them my scan photos. Also put together a presentation for MIL as part of her degree which took me 5 hours, took SIL to get her hair restyled (for the first time in 20 years), wrote BIL's CV for him and a hundred other minor kindnesses which have apparently gone unnoticed.

Since DD has been born, I have sent them photos and videos about 3 times per week. I have emailed with details of all her milestones (holding head up, first tooth etc etc). She is now 8 months. They live in Aberdeen, and we live in London, so this will only be the third time they've seen her and I think there is some jealousy that my parents (who live 18 miles away) have seen her more (but do not need to stay overnight if they visit). But they couldn't visit more often because MIL was doing her degree, so studying and going to lectures etc and they have horses which need to be looked after/babysat if they are away.

I think they are selfish beyond belief to think it could be "all about them". I have a baby to look after FFS, and yes, she IS going to come first, and no, I am not going to breastfeed her lying on the floor in the living room (I could only feed lying down) so they could all have a good look, and I AM going to go to bed if I am tired (and of course I am tired) and 10:30 isn't THAT early is it? I mean, so early it counts as "hiding away"? They have three children, and I know it was years ago, but can they really have forgotten what it's like?

AIBU to not really want them to come back if this is how they feel about me? What more do they want?!

DH, btw, tells me to ignore them, just like he does, if they are "being difficult". He once didn't speak to his dad for 9 months following a disagreement about MP's pensions, so this is the level of maturity we are dealing with, I'm afraid.

Nowt wrong with cheesy cherries for pudding hon*.

There is something wrong with having to run up a grassy bank with your luggage to get picked up from the airport without Dad having to pay for parking though - I never said he wasn't pointlessly cheap! Wouldn't be so bad if he'd just let us take a taxi. Or indeed stop the car...

They've got a lot of strange and bad habits, but they do love us. I think maybe a bit of clarity with them would help, and maybe if we show them the full routine now it will help them understand how things have to work to make your life as bearable as possible.

*this may not be true. Also, bannanas in lemon juice with curry aren't right.

Hmmm, you do sound lovely, Verity and Clive, but just one question for Verity; do you actually like your in-laws?

You do so much for them, admittedly, but are they picking up on the fact that you do the things that you do to be the perfect DIL without actually really liking your PIL...?

Yes I'd be with Wreck. How about doing less for them, but also moaning less about them? My SIL goes down this route, causing a certain amount of angst in their lives, but infinitely less in her own , and they do sense that she really likes them, without listening to much nonsense.

choosy - in the old days, before we were clean from our old board, we did post at each other from different rooms. Mostly about who was going to open the next bottle of wine. Things have changed a lot since them days!

You know what - until this all kicked off - yes, I do/did like them. I honestly wouldn't bother with all this stuff otherwise, and would take Clive's advice and just ignore them. I was engaged once before and she WOULD have been the MIL from hell, so I know how well off I am (although not as well off as Clive who has dream in-laws ).

It's just that they are very insecure, needy and paranoid and I am the opposite of that.

I knew I had some work to do on Clive when I took him on, but didn't think it extended to the whole bloody family...

I am mostly fixed now. Mostly...

Verity's parents are, indeed, lovely. And incredibly easy compared to mine.

I liked the beginning of this thread better where everyone told me how nice I was and how IANBU.

Clive, you have RUINED this, and possibly mumsnet entirely, for me. No computer game/zombie killing time for you tonight.

Yes, that IS a rule.

I think tbh you are a fab DIL and your dh is a wonderful son.

For some reason not known to both of you - you will never get everything right and your PIL will always find fault.

I think in that way you continue to do what you do for them - you welcome them to your home and buy them the best seats at opera - if thats what you want to do.

Unfortuantley there always will be parents and people that are not greatful and it really is there problem, it can only come from them.

I think you welcome them and there relationship with your children.

Perhaps if you want keep things on the open and say I was surpirsed that you didn't find me welcoming last visit but hopefully you will this visit - and see what happens perhpas they got the wrong end of the stick about something?

Incidently do you travel up to scotland and have wonderful hospitality form your inlaws?

Awwwww hon...

In that case, Verity, YANBU, and you are indeed a veritable treasure / saint and they either don't know when they're onto a good thing or they don't have enough to worry about.

Clive, I would recommend not pandering to your mother's whims by indulging in hour-long 'phone conversations about such things; instead just deal with any moanings with a brisk "Don't be silly, Mother. Now, what fun thngs are we going to do when you get here?" type approach, and ignore her self-indulgent neediness...

Clive, you've gone a bit netmums there, careful now.

The minimonster is still asleep. We are going to be late for Monkey Music.

Ok Clive and Verity - you both sound lovely and Clives parents sound like they're the ones with issues. Dont let their issues become your issues. FWIW I'd say loosen up a little bit (not about the baby over the steriliser - but flash photography example before bedtime maybe) when they're down - your DD is older now and more resilient so am sure you guys will be more relaxed - and hopefully as a result they'll be abit more relaxed and make the ground rules absolutely clear on the total no nos and just try to rise above it. They're only down for 4 days and it will pass soon enough.

I am quite literally snorting with laughter at the idea of Clive saying, briskly, "Now, don't be silly, mother..."

Wreck thank you. It was SO much better when this thread was all about how lovely I am. Thank you for turning it back round.

... hate to go against my prev post but on hearing some more details, i think you might make it easier for yourselves if you try not to sweat the small stuff a bit more... you see them infrequently so if they get some of the less dangerous house rules wrong, try to let it go... i mean, nothing that will actually kill your child, but the other stuff... otherwise they prob will get more and more paranoid and insecure the more they feel they are somehow breaking these mysterious rules they don't understand (not saying your rules are wrong!).

Oh Clive-your parents sound like my ILs.

They are so worried about doing the wrong thing that they do nothing.

But to the point of not bothering to put reins on a toddler as they might do it wrong??!!

Would your parents be more relaxed if you visited them?

Mine are wrecks either way!

Of course you could do what we did-move abroad!!

Am looking forward to reading this properl later but, Clive, in the interests of marital harmony, when you mum phones up slagging off your wife, what you do is this:

1. You say - no Mum you are wrong, DW had just had a caesarean, was exhausted, ill etc, and what's more had done a lot for you. You stand up for your wife.

1. You do not tell your wife all the things your mother has just said. It makes it look as if you agree with her and are using "mum says" as a form of criticism.

Now then.

You do sound lovely but some of 'rules' do sound very PFB. Not meant harshly at all but I do think you may look back at some of your gripes and cringe

You do sound lovely but some of 'rules' do sound very PFB. Not meant harshly at all but I do think you may look back at some of your gripes and cringe

Clive, Verity - my MIL is apparently afraid of me and my parents are similarly crazy to Clives but I work hard to have a good relationship with them and where possible let them have their way with the boys when they see them - if that means getting them all excited before bedtime, so be it; letting them scoff cakes and chocolate all day, so be it; having them co-sleep with the boys, so be it - as they only sees them every couple of months and the time they have with them is precious (FIL died when DS1 was 2 months old and made a resolution to ensure that the remaining grandparents have a good loving relationship with the kids). Try to look at it as being good for your DD to get to know both sets of grandparents and cut some slack - not so much it drives you crazy - where you can. Good luck for the visit.

Hi BalloonSlayer,

I did stick up for Verity on the call - to be point of telling my Mum she was behaving like her mother (as she was) - which is about the strongest thing I can say to her. For context Gran told Mum that she was a bad mother for moving us from Yorkshire to Aberdeen to be with Dad, and that Mum should leave all three of her DC with Gran...

I think (hope!) I've made it very clear to Verity that I don't agree with what Mum said, and that've stuck up for her. I think its important that we deal with issues like this together and wouldn't want to hide anything from her.

Yeah but she ended up posting on an internet forum for reassurance didn't she?

but still, Clive: Verity already knows what your parents are like, would it really be so awful to stop reporting it and just leave it as background noise to the relationship? if you said 'spoke to my mum today, she's the same as ever' i'm sure she could guess the kind of conversation you had and it might save her some stress around dealing with them...

Also Clive if telling your Mum she is behaving like her own mother is the strongest thing you can say to her, then "there's your problem."

Your Mother does not seem to have a problem speaking her mind.

In your wife's position I would have expected you to say something like this to your Mother:

"How dare you say that about Verity when she was so ill and tried so hard to look after you? She has always liked you [possible lie alert] and this is how you pay her back. If you say anything like this again then you will not be welcome BY ME"

Well, here's what I think - for what it's worth...

You are one of those lovely people who generally thinks of others before themselves; you like to make people happy and you are prepared to take on the lion's share of chores and tasks to make everyone else's life that bit easier - often at the expense of your own wellbeing.

Your in-laws, on the other hand, are dyed-in-the-wool selfish oafs. They love having people like you around, because they know they can get away with being as selfish, inconsiderate and obnoxious as they like, and you are far too nice to treat them as badly as they treat you. They really don't care how much effort you put into all the nice things you do for them, because they are incapable of caring about anyone else but themselves.

If there was one time in your life when you really needed their 100% support, it was after the birth of your child. Having been through the same horrendous birth experience as yourself, I know full well just how utterly spent you must have been afterwards - it really does knock the stuffing out of your body. That was the time when everyone else should've been running around after YOU, not the other way round! THEY LET YOU DOWN, it's as simple as that. BIG time. What's more, they know it - in the very depths of their self-centred little hearts they know it, and now they're trying to deal with that guilt by dumping it all on you. DON'T LET THEM. Let rip - say whatever you like to them, because nothing you say could ever be as harsh or unjust as the way they're treating you right now. And if they protest otherwise, show them this thread. I think there's more than a few opinions here that'll show them how wrong they are.