Porn

[Bubbles01]

Am I being unreasonable for getting upset that my husband keeps looking at porn?

Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior?

Beat your meat like it owes you money?

Choking Charlie 'till he throws up

Forcing Lex Luthor To Surrender

So because my DH occasionally looks at porn it means he is "not decent" and is a misogynist?

I am sorry but that is a pile of crap.

UnquietDad

Thank you for putting your point of view across. The voice of common sense - I think!

UnquietDad - quite right you are!
There will also be dhs who will promise never to look at porn again, only to set up a private navigation function on their pc so that their gormless, technophobic dws never catch them out again. how is that an improvement? There is SOOO much of it around that I am surprised at the blind confidence of some posters.
I never said that they are ALL deluded - at least half are, that's for sure.

I agree with MrsMontague/absinthe/UQD and many others that there are no hard and fast rules.

Like many thngs, this is a very personal thing that has to be worked out between two people in a relationship.

I know perfectly well that DW likes the look of certain men and she knows I like the look of certain women. Neither of us mind and it would be unrealistic to say that the minute someone is in a relationship they never look at anyone else or find anyone else attractive. Most people have a private self. However, there is a line that must not be crossed and where that line is drawn is different in each relationship.

In the case of the OP, she feels her DH has crossed a line that makes her unhappy. It is not fair to say she should 'accept it'. It is a matter of not doing something that the other person feels unhappy with. It is how good relationshps work.

AbetaDad well said. This thread turned into a discussion of the merits or non merits of the porn industry which misses the point.

Its true that people shouldn't do something that their DH/DW feels unhappy with, where those things are big and important. I'm sure I do things every day that DH doesn't agree with (he thinks I should mn less, I think he should watch less sport) But there is an element to which you should pick your battles - I understand the OP, and think this is a battle she should fight, though ultimately its her marriage and her choice.

However I was making the point, that my DH doesn't watch porn - not because I disagree with it, but because he doesn't. We were friends first, and he thought more strongly about it than I did, and has informed my opinion on the subject. So then for multiple posters on this thread to tread out all the "men are lying if they say they don't watch porn" lines gets annoying. Its not because I'd be offended at him being turned on by someone other than me - I get turned on by people other than him! Its because the whole basis of the industry is evil, in what it does to the young participants lives.

lymond the whole industry is not evil. Elements of it are when they exploit young people, I agree. But the industry as a whole is not evil.

I have no comment to make about "if my husband says he doesn't watch porn then he doesn't" versus "your husband is lying and he is clearing the history" as I have personal history of it.

I think pornography in itself can be healthy. As has been mentioned before, I would far rather my DH looked at magazines and said he fancied Jenna Jameson than the girl in accounts.

Jenna now has her own multi-million dollar business, how can that be exploitation? She need never work again yet continues to do so, actually with a very strong work ethic on the girls she will use. She also refused to ever do anal (from what I remember when she was interviewed).

We have a friend who is a British porn actress (Sandie Caine) she too is now producing films having started out as an actress. She loves her work and would never agree to any suggestion that she is "evil" or "exploited". In fact she gave up a very well paid job as a children's clothes buyer for John Lewis to be a porn star because she was sick of working such long hours.

Both my DH and I like porn. We admit to that. Sometimes we look at it together, sometimes we don't.

The fact is that we are honest and open about it with each other. I think that is the point that needs to be remembered on this thread. The original poster came on here asking for advice for her situation, not for people's opinions on the porn industry as a whole.

I think women are deluding themselves if they think that because their husbands look at porn it means they're not fancying 'real' women. Duh... He does both, obviously.

A lot of the arguments early on in the thread saying YABU used to be used when women complained of their husbands cheating on them. 'You can't stop men behaving like men, if he doesn't do it with your knowledge then he'll do it without it.' I know...[counts on fingers] at least 5 women who have no idea their husbands are shagging/have shagged other women. Boys will be boys! Tee hee.

I am not sure it is unhealthy as much as repulsive. I think it is not ideal to look at porn and lie about it, but to look at porn, lie about it, and then tell other people, in a group setting, in the pub about how you are deceiving your wife is utterly disgusting.

I would be really annoyed if DH were spending time with that kind of man.

I do believe you LeQueen that this kind of thing goes on. I worries me a lot and makes me think I have made mistakes with the upbringing of my children.

I grew up in a quite political family. I then lived in houses with mainly men as a teenager, and we were all politically active, as were all of my friendship group. We were very involved in many campaigns, political magazines and projects. I was openly a feminist and so were all of my boyfriends. I genuinely believe they were honest in their ethics about the sex industry, and would boycott it in the same way as other unethical products.

DD (8) is more feminine than I ever was, and I have raised her in more of a mainstream way. This thread really worries me about what I have set her up for, as I do believe some of these tales about men's deception. I am going to speak to DH and rethink how DH and I raise DD and DS from now on. I think I must have turned a blind eye to the reality of many heterosexual mainstream relationships.

I do not want DD to grow up and be the women mocked in the pub for deluding herself about her husband's morality.

Brahms, of course men will find women attractive both in RL and on tv/magazines/porn...but to tell men that they should never look at anybody else/fantasise/find them attractive, it is just plain realistic. And if they are inhibited and forced to be secretive, they are more likely to be unfaithful in a way that actually matters, I have seen this for myself. I feel more comfortable with my DH being open with me about what he finds sexy, and not feel the need to hide it. I haven't said that he will never cheat, men will do that for a variety of reasons and I will never say 'Oh, my DH would never do such a thing', I am more realistic than that. But inhibiting somebody from exploring normal sexual urges, is unhealthy and will lead to secrecy.

That should have read 'but to tell men that they should never look at anybody else/fantasise/find them attractive, it is just plain unrealistic.

No I agree MrsM. I know that I will certainly never be only attracted to one person and am a chronic flirt, so I wouldn't expect it of anyone else.

But some people on this thread seem to think that because their husband looks at porn, they are expunging all their 'urges' on that and that it will somehow magically make them more faithful. Not ime (of working in the City).

Oh right, Brahms well in that case I certainly agree with what you are saying. I just think that equally to the women on here who have said that men who look at porn lack decency and therefore more likely to cheat are also in the wrong. I don't think that porn has any correlation between how likely a men is to be unfaithful, but I do believe that being so inhibited does lead to secrecy and decietful behaviour, and this is only going off my own experiences and those of friends and family.

The kind of men who would secretly view porn and then brag to "the boys" about the fact that they kept their wives in the dark about it are utterly vile and obviously have a nasty personality flaw .

The "boys will be boys" attitude really stinks, women are doing themselves a real disservice by treating men as imbeciles who can't help themselves.
It seems like a lot of women who have very young daughters are quite accepting of porn use but I bet by the time their daughters are sexually mature, they will view it quite differently. "Teen porn" seems far worse when you have teenage daughters.

The amount of naked bimbo type I-phone apps are quite staggering, why the hell would a man need to look at porn on his phone FFS?

The bottom line for the OP is the lack of respect by her partner, if he knows she is opposed to porn, for any reason, then he shouldn't use it.
Porn "addiction" seems to be an ever growing problem in relationships, there seem to be a lot of (inadaquate?) men who prefer wanking to porn than real interaction with their partner, that's definitely not healthy.

MrsMontague, I agree that everyone, male or female, is bound to fancy people who aren't their spouse from time to time. We are human after all!

But to me there is a difference between happening to find another person attractive, and deliberately setting out to be turned on by someone else (including watching porn).

I'd have no problem if my DH told me he quite fancied, say, Kelly Brook (for want of any better example) having seen her on TV. But I would have a problem if he then went and bought a DVD of her and watched it over and over.

Do you see the difference?

It would be a lot more transparent and a lot less stressful if each person in the relationship could acknowledge the other's potential interest in porn as a pastime or interest alongside carp fishing, scuba diving or whatever else. Almost as if it were part of their relationship joint CV.

I know we've sort of stopped talking about the bad side of the porn industry (I guess we'd rather not think about it) but there's no getting away from it. I know it isn't all bad. But, e.g., if someone gave me a coat to wear and I didn't know whether it was made out of real fur or fake fur, I wouldn't be comfortable. Yeah, it's probably synthetic but I could be wearing a dead animal that had suffered horribly. So I just wouldn't wear it. I really don't think it's too much to expect people to think a little more about the origins of things.

< boggles at comparing porn with scuba diving >

yep, good analogy, very level playing field you have there ...