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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another spontaneous night out for DH, now away on business do I.....?

99 replies

posieparker · 20/02/2010 18:47

accept his calls?

Brief history:
Throughout our twelve year relationship DH has had a life without me, in fact the only social life to speak of is had by him. It is not rare for him to go out after work without telling me first. The last few occasions have had much bigger consequences than just making me go crazy. Once he didn't return until 5am, which was the time I had to leave to take my, always helping me out, sister and family to Heathrow, then the time that DS1 had his first friend home for tea and I had to ask my BIL to come and sit the dcs so I could take the little boy home(baby unwell and parking so bad on my road I would have had to park ten minutes down the road with maybe two children asleep), years ago he went out with work on our last night in our first flat leaving me to pack EVERYTHING.....

Him coming home with dcs awake means a pissed gregarious twunt of a man, making me nervous as he's so false and well drunk to the dcs.

anyway you get the picture

So he's gone away on business for a week(new thing to be going away so much) and missing ds1's birthday. Wednesday night he was supposed to be home at 5.30-6pm and arrived(after saying he was at the bus stop/taxi rank at 6.15, 8pm and then phone off) at 11pm pissed. I had told him at 6pm that I had no milk should dc4 wake up...not that he normally would but if he did and no milk NIGHTMARE.

Aside from DS1's birthday would I be out of order not taking his calls at all? I am thinking about him having no contact aside from that day in a bid to make him see what it's like to be ignored and for me not to be around or reliable.

OP posts:
Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 18:48

The not getting home until 5am meant I had to egt a friend over to sit my dcs or my sister would have had to pay over £200 for a taxi.

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 20/02/2010 18:51

Taking his calls isn't the issue.

You need a serious word with this bloke.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 20/02/2010 18:53

This would not be acceptable to me. I have no problem with partners having separate social lives, but not at each other's expense. Do you work at all?

If you make a fuss every time he does it, and yet he continues to do it, then it doesn't sound like he cares very much what you think.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 20/02/2010 18:54

I don't understand your post at all

You need to talk to him instead of paying mind games that won't be noticed and therefore not work.

Hassled · 20/02/2010 18:57

I think it's well past the point where not taking his calls is going to make any difference whatsoever to anything at all. Taking his calls is the least of your concerns.

Do you want to live like this until old age?

AnnOdyne · 20/02/2010 18:58

he is an alocohlic hten

BelleDameSansMerci · 20/02/2010 18:59

Hi posie - this isn't the first time you've posted about this, I think?

Can I ask what your ideal outcome would be? Do you want him to change his ways or have you had enough of the relationship?

AnnOdyne · 20/02/2010 18:59

he is isnt he?

Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 18:59

I have talked until I'm blue in the face, I get apologies, feeling sorry for him, 'yes, I know I'm stupid, I don;t know why I do it....' blah blah blah. But he does it over and over.

I am looking for an action that will eradicate this behaviour. It's not worth a divorce, but he hasn't changed yet.

I don't work and the assumption is I am always here. I do have a new business that occupies my time, but that's so foetal it's all home based. My youngest is only 15months.

OP posts:
Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 19:00

himself, I don;t feel sorry for him!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 19:01

This is not the first time, and I often look at him and think our values are different, what we need from a relationship very different and he's not the love of my life....noone is!

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 20/02/2010 19:05

I'm not sure what to suggest really. The talking clearly isn't working. Do you think suggesting going to couples therapy (even if you don't mean it) would make him think more seriously about things? I'm not big on game playing but he does seem to be taking you for granted. Guess he needs to understand that perhaps you might not always just be there?

Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 19:13

I'm not one for game playing normally, especially being a married woman of 35, but I want to make the point that this cycle of behaviour cannot continue.

OP posts:
AnnOdyne · 20/02/2010 19:13

IS HE AN ALOCOHOLIC

Morloth · 20/02/2010 19:14

There is nothing you can do to change his behaviour. He is the only one who can do that. Are you willing to put up with this long term?

TubbyDuffs · 20/02/2010 19:18

Sorry, but I think not taking his calls is just far too insignificant a step... he needs a slap!

Maybe pack your bags and don't be there for his return.

He is seriously taking the piss and needs to grow up.

Did strike me that he was maybe an alcoholic tbh.

If you want this to work, he needs to acknowledge that he has a problem (whether alcohol related or just plain commitment-phobe related) and you need to see a counsellor to work it out together.

What are you woman? A doormat?

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 20/02/2010 19:23

How sad that your husband is not the love of your life but I guess it doesn't matter as you aren't his.

Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 19:28

Well, I was madly in love with him but over the years the fizzy little cells have popped and I think I no longer want to invest so much.

Am I willing to put up with this long term? I have no idea....we have four dcs. I am striving to get a little something of my own with this new business.

He does not cope well with alcohol and sporadically gives up for a few months.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 20/02/2010 19:29

Seriously, you get one life. Don't waste it.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 20/02/2010 19:34

It sounds like he has got you where he wants you, to look after his kids when he can't be bothered and would rather be out on the piss. He knows you won't leave, so there is no motivation for him to improve his behaviour. If you're OK with that, fine. If you're not then leave, because he won't change.

Are you 100% convinced he is faithful to you? Would it be a dealbreaker if he wasn't?

Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 19:35

I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
posieparker · 20/02/2010 19:40

So am I being unreasonable about the calls?

OP posts:
compo · 20/02/2010 19:41

he sounds alcholic and possibly unfaithful?
Can you talk to him again? Tell him it's unacceptable and you're thinking of calling it a day?

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 20/02/2010 19:49

YABU about the calls as it isn't adult behaviour. You have issues with your husband and not answering the phone won't achieve anything other than possibly a row.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 20/02/2010 19:53

thing is IMO with a man the only way of 'making a point' is to spell it out. Not taking calls etc will not make a teeny bit of impact on him I don't think. It'll just make life simpler and easier for him infact as he won't have to think about you or home at all!

Tell him direct that this cycle of behaviour can't continue. Don't expect him to read stuff into your silence/lack of calls. Most men aren't built that way imho.

I think you need to carve out time for you to be out of the house much more even if you don't work or only work a bit on setting up this business. He needs you to show him that you have things to do that are important as well, and he needs to be relied on instead of you always holding the fort and just soaking up the late returns etc. Don't allow him anymore to act like a teenager, expect more of him, he may even deliver.

But until you set out your stall and tell him what time you are taking and when he needs to be there he won't change I don't think.

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