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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another spontaneous night out for DH, now away on business do I.....?

99 replies

posieparker · 20/02/2010 18:47

accept his calls?

Brief history:
Throughout our twelve year relationship DH has had a life without me, in fact the only social life to speak of is had by him. It is not rare for him to go out after work without telling me first. The last few occasions have had much bigger consequences than just making me go crazy. Once he didn't return until 5am, which was the time I had to leave to take my, always helping me out, sister and family to Heathrow, then the time that DS1 had his first friend home for tea and I had to ask my BIL to come and sit the dcs so I could take the little boy home(baby unwell and parking so bad on my road I would have had to park ten minutes down the road with maybe two children asleep), years ago he went out with work on our last night in our first flat leaving me to pack EVERYTHING.....

Him coming home with dcs awake means a pissed gregarious twunt of a man, making me nervous as he's so false and well drunk to the dcs.

anyway you get the picture

So he's gone away on business for a week(new thing to be going away so much) and missing ds1's birthday. Wednesday night he was supposed to be home at 5.30-6pm and arrived(after saying he was at the bus stop/taxi rank at 6.15, 8pm and then phone off) at 11pm pissed. I had told him at 6pm that I had no milk should dc4 wake up...not that he normally would but if he did and no milk NIGHTMARE.

Aside from DS1's birthday would I be out of order not taking his calls at all? I am thinking about him having no contact aside from that day in a bid to make him see what it's like to be ignored and for me not to be around or reliable.

OP posts:

Original poster

posieparker · 21/02/2010 13:21

So do most people think the children would be better off not living with their father?

OP posts:

Original poster

posieparker · 21/02/2010 13:22

Relate is something I would consider, we've been before, but £40 a week is money I would rather spend on food....we have been eating so cheaply recently I could do with going up a brand!!

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 21/02/2010 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

digitalgirl · 21/02/2010 17:10

pp I think the £40 a week would be a good investment. Otherwise you will continue to foster resentment and may end up nit-picking all aspects of his behaviour in order to convince yourself that the marriage is over. Alternatively you'll just accept that you'll never really be able to rely on him and that now and again you'll have to 'keep the kids out of his way' -and accept that you are actually a mother to five children.

I think it's worth making the effort to improve your marriage.

Original poster

posieparker · 21/02/2010 17:54

Well, he called this pm and admitted that he deserved the silent treatment, I said I thought that was a damning indictment of the state of our relationship! Anyway he is going to think about his behaviour this week and we'll have a chat when he returns.

I have explained that I don't want my DH at home because he can't get away with being out, but I want him to be home because that's where he wants to be!

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 21/02/2010 18:19

£40 a week? how much does he spend on drink? I have looked at your profile posie - you are very beautiful - how can he be so stupid as to not rush home to you at the first opportunity?

He will only carry on like this if you let him. You have let him so far. It is taking away his autonomy yes, but you either MAKE him stop or you accept that he puts drink before you and your children and put up with it.

If I were you I would be using the time while he is away to deliver the message that you are contemplating leaving him and let him stew on that for a few days.

his drinking is causing a problem in his marriage therefore he has a drink problem.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 21/02/2010 18:26

I agree this is a drink problem. It doesn't have to be the classic 'has to have a drink every day' scenario - if his behaviour around drink is a problem to you and the children which clearly it is, this is a drink problem.

FWIW my DH also had this 'drink to excess now and again' thing that so many british men seem to have - he would go out, not often at all, but when he went he'd get stupidly bladdered like a teenager. One night he did something really stupid (not to do with another woman, just really stupid) and I told him the next day that he was being a pathetic man, husband, and father. He knew then that I would leave him if he didn't shape up. Proud to say he has barely touched a drop of alcohol since.

So going on my own experience, you have to spell it out and mean it.

At the moment clearly you don't even really mean it in your own heart posie - you say "it's not worth splitting over" and you'd rather shop "a brand up" than go to counselling.

Until or unless you mean it, nothing will change imho.

Original poster

posieparker · 21/02/2010 18:35

I agree with those that say my DH has a drink problem, he doesn't know when to stop and never stops at one. He lies about how much he's had and had made some very stupid decisions when drunk....none involving other women that I know of.

Thanks mrsboogie that photo was before I had my fourth, so another year of sleepless nights!!!

OP posts:

BrahmsThirdRacket · 21/02/2010 18:37

DO you believe that he is faithful to you?

Original poster

posieparker · 21/02/2010 19:10

I have no reason to think otherwise.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 20:06

posie, you are beautiful and your dc are beautiful (checked out your profile after mrsb mentioned it)

you deserve better than a man who puts his own drinking and social life before that of his family

but then, anyone does

NatterBee · 21/02/2010 20:13

You've had a lot of people give different advice and comments and it sounds like you've gone from sheer frustration (and a cry for help) to defending the behaviour you've put up with for 12 years.

He's away now but I'd be surprised if he'd spend the rest of his trip contemplating your relationship because he'll think it's just another one of your rants that you'll have forgotten when he gets back...in this case actions speak louder than words!

I don't think leaving him, or accusing him of being an alcoholic is the answer; and if you really, really can't afford £40 a week, how about you ask the counsellor to do it every other week instead, or buy yourself a decent relationship book that you can read on the nights he's buggered off out on the lash without you!!

The bottom line is if you don't take the issues seriously, how can you expect him to?

shatteredmumsrus · 21/02/2010 20:14

Im not one for game playing either but yes ignore the selfish twat!

shatteredmumsrus · 21/02/2010 20:30

You sound like me and my dp!

LeQueen · 21/02/2010 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sprogger · 21/02/2010 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 21:01

well yes, he does believe that there are no consequences to his selfishness

because there haven't been

Fruitbatlings · 21/02/2010 21:22

[Pp] I'm going through this right now. I really feel for you I wish I could leave my husband but I work from home (as a childminder) so if I left I'd have to give up my job. He won't leave. Have asked him to today but he's still here.
There is some fantastic advise on this thread and I'm following along, hoping to come across an easy answer but unfortunately there isn't.
Councelling is an option but if your H is anything like mine, he will twist you're words and suddenly you're the bad guy.
I don't know about you but I feel like I've wasted so much time on my H. I'm past caring anymore. I just wish he'd leave me, almost hoping he'll find someone else so I've got grounds for divorce (only got married in Sept last year )
I honestly think men like ours won't change.
Sorry to be so pessimistic

AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 21:43

fruit, that is awful that you have been made to feel so bad about such a new marriage

I am so sorry

expatinscotland · 21/02/2010 21:48

fruit, you can still file for divorce with him living there.

i would.

i don't treat my spouse like crap so won't take it in return.

Fruitbatlings · 21/02/2010 21:51

Thanks anyfucker, it means a lot.
H is going to sleep on sofabed in living room tonight. Can't keep up this stupid silent treatment, avoiding eachother is impossible in such a tiny flat.
I don't want to take over this thread with my whinging, got my own threads for that. Just wanted pp to know she's not alone!

AnyFucker · 21/02/2010 21:53

your contribution is sad, but very valid, fruit x

Fruitbatlings · 21/02/2010 21:54

Expat, I think you have to have been together for at least a year to file for divorce...?
Been together 9 years but only married 5 months.

2rebecca · 21/02/2010 21:57

I agree that you can get a legal separation and then move on to a divorce even if you initially still live in the same house. Long term the house is likely to be sold and proceeds divided though.
If my husband wanted a divorce I'd refuse to leave. Eventually I'd have to go though unless I bought his share of the house off him.
I always think the women who say "tell him to leave" are living in fantasy land. Why should any adult leave their home unless forced to?

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