...to cut all ties with my dad because of this??

[meerkatsandkookaburras]

its a long stoy so if you do read all this thanks in advance

my mum and dad had two kids me 1ge 29 now and my brother aged 27 now, they divorced when i was 4ish and my brother was 2ish - i say ish as they dont agree on when they split and why and neither have been honest with me i dont think about it but i try to let that go as its in the past even though their disagreement makes a difference of 2 yrs of if i saw my dad for tht time or not!! when i was almost 6 i moved house with my mum and brother a few hundred miles up the country, my mum says as my dad wasnt interested anyway, my dad says my mum took us from him when he was seeing us regularly. anyway either way from me being 6 i never saw or has any contact with my dad but neer knew why. At 20 i got back in touch with my dad through solicitors - he still had same one i found in my mums paperwork from him all those years ago! my brother chose he did not want to contact my dad and thats not changed since then either.

so fastforward to when i was 20 to now, ive slowly got to know my dad a bit, things can still be a bit awkward and he lives about a 3hr drive away so its not been easy but i truely thought we were getting closer and that he was pleased we were back in touch. He had remarried in those in between years and had a son who was 7 we got back in touch. he then 3 years after we got back in contact adopted another son wth his wife. these two boys are now 16 - his son, and 14 his son that was adopted. I try my best to keep in touch with my dad but it has sometimes been difficult as obviously we dont know each other that well but its been getting easier and i feel i know him much better now than a year or two ago.

At christmas my stepmum - dads wife died she was only 49 and had cancer. she was a lovely lady and always tried so hard with me, harder than i felt my dad did - i think she encouraged him a lot and told him to ring/email me more often than not!! Since then me and my dad have got a lot closer and speak more on the phone and weve discussed the past a bit more and thats broken the ice a bit and i really felt like we were getting much closer and that give it a year or two those lost years would have pretty much lost significance. I reealised too that as his boys are only 16 and 14 i am theoretically his next of kin as he has no other family which i found very hard as im only 29 and i worried about what would happen to the boys, how id organise a funeral etc i have no idea so it was quite a worrying time thinking of all that could be etc really stressed me but i took it all on board and thought i must get closer to my dad still and somehow find a way to ask him his wishes for funerals etc should he die as otherwise i wouldnt want to make the wrong choice when that comes to it etc.

Then fastforward to last night, i phoned my dad as not heard from him in a few weeks. in an hour on the phone he never once asked after me, my partner or my son. Then came the bit which really hurt me. he said that since his wife had died he felt he should write a will as he no longer had his wife who would automatically have had everything. Anyone who knows me knows im not after his money, all i have ever wanted was a dad but i found what he said really hurtful. he said that he has named on his insurance poliies etc his two sons as only next of kin and in his will he has left 75% of everything to the eldest and 25% to the youngest (personally i think this wrong even leaving my feelings out as surely an adopted child becomes your child and shouldnt be treated differently!?). he then went on to say that as he felt that then i might choose to contest the will eh has ensured that he has had a medical report done and that states he is of sound mind and has chosen not to leave anything to me or my brother (which i understand more as hes not had anything to do with him). He said everything in house etc all his possessions and money would be split in this way. so essentially i will be left nothing. now as i say im not after his money but he has plenty and surely leaving me a small amount or an item wouldnt be too hard and to have so callously told me all this i was so upset not so much about his belongings and money if he dies but also about how that therefore means he sees me in his life. i am not rich by a long shot, im in some debt from university and the fact my partenr recently lost his job and i cant work easily due to my sons disability so its not like he truely thinks i wouldnt need anything.

so given all this am i being unreasonable if i just never contact my dad again as he clearly feels nothing for me or do you think i am taking it too personally?? any opinions welcome and thansk if you have read this far!

Have you told him how angry you are with this set up?

TBH, I think you are reading far too much into this. It is unfair IMO, that the adopted son gets 25% less than the birth son. Your dad probably sees you as being relatively secure with a home and child. I wouldn't let it spoil the relationship you've got.
YAB a bit U

You have obviously put alot of effort into this relationship. Would you be upset if you lost contact through any other way? What I am asking is do you really want to carry on with this contact putting kast nights conversation aside?

If you do then you need to talk to him about it. Write him a letter or something. but sometimes with these things we feel like we must persue it as we are related, but actually don't really get on or like each other

i am not surprised you are upset.

A similar thing happened with my grandparents in that they cut my mum out of their will (and so in effect me and my sister). I didn't care about the money but it was the fact that i had never fallen out with them and still saw them, but because they didn't see my mum they cut me off with out a thought.

I think it is holey unfair the split between his two sons and would defenetly have words about that and why he has done it.

If that was how it was left i would still see him - maybe as a phone contact only as he doesn't seem that bothered about you. However as he added that little gem about a medical report, it gives it a nasty twist for me and i think i would tell him how horrid that is and ask why he has done that and depending on the answer i would cut contact

I guess having a home etc may be part of it but my dad knows we rent and struggle, his sons have more in the bank now than i have any chance ever having i think.

I am not sure how i would feel not having contact with him again to be honest i just feel that even an item would not have been much but i would have felt better but to make sure i am entitled to nothing if he dies i feel is rather heartless, when he dies i will have nothing from him and not even childhood memories, maybe im reading too much into it i dunno but he just seems to want to have nothing to do with me i wonder whether he agreed to get back in touch with me when i was 20 because his wife said he should. Dunno if i could contest will though could i if he has made it clear in it that he has medical certificates to say he is of sound mind and wishes me to have nothing?!

and regarding my brother hes well off and to be honest he would probably say if my dad died he didnt want the money anyway because he has nothing to do with him!

Plus i should add that yes hes not extremely well off i guess but i know my dad has a few hundred thousand in the bank and his house is on market at the moment as they are moving for 200k and he owns it outright so the difference in percentages between my half brother and adopted half brother will be quite significant with those amounts and surely with him having that much money l;eaving me even a set amount like 10k or something for example, a set amount significantly less would be less hurtful.

the way we are for money even £100 would change things for us so much yet i dont even get a watch or something thats what i dont get not even something personal he must hate me surely?!

yes 2boys2 thats what i thought, the medical report bit was just the bit that made it hurt so much more i might write to him and say how i feel and see what becomes of it though i guess if he wants me to have nothing then i cant do anything about that can i!

i can understand that you think he is being insensitive because he is.

however, a couple of points.

Presumably at least half of what he has now was left to him by his wife- the boys mother? It seems only fair that at least this amount is left to the boys alone.

Which leaves the other half. In theory if he was being fair- he would leave you a quarter of this, so one eighth of the estate.

In that context, is that amount of money worth falling out over again? He is being insensitive and clumsy but i think he is probably more worried about what will happen to the boys if they are left without parents and sees you as grown up and able to take care of yourself.

Why dont you have a proper chat with him- along the lines that you need to know what his wishes are with regard to the boys being looked after and perhaps raise what his wifes wishes would have been? it is only storing up huge trouble to leave less to one boy than the other.

is it more the manner in which he told you than the message itself?

i think wills can always be contested. Even if you don't contest it for your benefit would you for your adopted brother?

would also add that he only lost his wife at christmas at such a young age- i would go easy tbh- he may not be at his best at the moment- it really is only a matter of weeks isnt it?

You haven't been part of his life for 20 years (sorry to be harsh but you said it yourself). In that time he has established a new family from which he has two YOUNG sons. He's just lost his life partner and is most likely in turmoil about what will happen to his youngest children if anything should happen to him (you've been worrying about it, well how do you think he feels??).

You haven't needed or had his help or support up till now. He probably, quite rightly, figures you don't need it now and vertainly wouldn't need it as much as the YOUNG boys. You're an adult with your own life.

You say all you want is an emotional relationship. However, it comes across that you view giving his you material things (his money/things) as a demonstration of his love. Or perhaps you feel he 'owes' you something to make up for the missing years.

I'm afraid I have to say I think YABU, those boys are minors and I can't see you have any 'claim' on the life he has built for himself and them.

If all you really want is an emotional relationship with your father let this go, support him in trying to do the best for his youngest children and allow him time to grieve without adding further to his burden.

ive no idea aging5yearseachyear yes i know she left him some but then he also has a lot himself if you know what i mean and he has life insurance and is currently battling through the courts for compensation over an accident he had at work which will be worth a lot if it goes his way. I wpould never fight with the boys about it i feel thats wrong if my dad chooses me to have nothing and dies with it that way i guess i just have to accept that. i guess as a rough guess 1/8th of his estate would be approx 50000 not including any life insurance paid out so thats quite a lot of money lol well it is to little old me anyway! I dunno i guess i am just being selfish im obviously not worth anything in his eyes, wonder if he even remembers my birthday this year without his wife to remind him!

And frankly, I don't think its any of your business how he splits his estate. If you feel strongly about it perhaps a gentle suggestion at some time in the future IF your father brings it up again.

I think it is disgusting how he has treated you and your brother. You are right to feel very upset at the callous way he has handled everything and you are not taking it too personally at all. But don't cut ties with him, he is still your dad. You can only feel pity for him, one day he will come to realise what he has done is wrong. Maintain the contact, try to rise above his disregard. Try to forgive him, he is a weak human being. One day in the future you will be glad that you still managed to maintain contact with him, in spite of everything that he has done.

ooh lots of posts while i have been replying to that one! i just feel like my dad cant care or he wopuldnt so harshly have told em i will get nothing and made it so clear with medical report and everything. our relationship is improving and i am his daughter even if he explained and said he had left me an item that meant a lot to him or something i might have felt a bit better about it but were not well off at all so thinking i can manage when he will leave his sons enough to set them up well i think is unfair plus to make it clear that not a thing will be left for me i wont have anything to remember someone who was half responsible in creating me not even memories! i guess its two seperate issues, the money side and the emotional side maybe im being unreasonable and should expect nothing from him and stop making such an effort myself

Probably a stupid thought, but might he think that you are trying to become closer to him now for selfish reasons, rather than simply to provide support after the loss of his wife?

Could he be 'testing' your reaction.

You certainly need to talk to him - or maybe write to him - to explain that his role as a Dad - albeit rather late in the day - is all you're really interested in. At the same time you can say that you're hurt that you feel he doesn't value your growing relationship.

Hope you can sort it out.

Meerkat, you do seem very fixated on his money and appear to have thought about it quite alot. Do you think you have deeper abandonment issues here and are feeling as though he OWES you something? Perhaps this is something you should explore with a counsellor in more detail.

Do you think it's even remotely possible that he is testing you?

He's recently lost his wife and may not be thinking clearly. If he is feeling guilty about the way he treated you or about other things in his life he may find it hard to believe that you only want to have a relationship with him for him and not eventual gain? I know this may sound bizarre but it is possible.

I think you're being a bit U. He has 2 children who still need everything providing for them and they must be his priority. Their Mother has died and he is clearly worried about their future.

He sees OP as being secure I imagine so much less in need of the money.

I think he is worried that you will contest it, that is why he told you so cruelly and bluntly about his medical test. He knows he owes you big time, but he is in denial, trying to blank it out. Deep deep down he loves you, but he has buried it deep down to avoid the hurt of facing up to his responsibilities. He is weak and cannot face it. That is why he tries to distance you by callous uncaring treatment. But these are all defence mechanisms of a weak human being. You can only try to forgive him and hope that he changes over time as his conscience begins to bother him.

Agree with claig - don't cut contact despite the fact that his behaviour has been appalling.

If you do want to decrease contact, it is better NOT to write letter/discuss feelings because by the sounds of it, you will be bashing your head against a brick wall - he does not get it and even if it is explained to him, he will still not get it. All that will happen is bad feeling and he will think you are nasty. It is easier just to decrease frequency of phone calls/visits if they are hurtful to you and not say anything.

The "medical report" stuff is utterly vindictive - he's been considering you contesting his will so has obviously decided that you deserve nothing and has taken steps to ensure that you don't! Goes from bad to worse when he spells this out to you so brazenly.

I'm not surprised you feel how you feel, in fact I think you have been extremely dignified. I think it is really poor that either one or both of your parents are unwilling to tell you the truth about what happened when they split up.

How do you get on with your mum? Can you talk to her about it (past and present)? My own father has cut me out of his will in favour of my stepmother (who is the same age as me) so I understand how you feel. He told me in a similarly brazen manner (although without the medical nonsense!) and I just remained dignified and have done (it was 5 years ago now).

Does he see your child/children? Is he a grandparent to them?

Some people are

I agree with everything lololo says. I think lololo is right, it is no use writing a letter to him, discussing feelings etc. He knows very well he is doing wrong, but he is not prepared to listen, He will only become more defensive and hostile as he tries to hide his guilt.

Maybe I haven't read this correctly, but is it not a simple case of his sons being very young and he wants to ensure they are ok if anything happens to him now? You are older, more financially stable and in a relationship. Are they not pretty much alone without your dad?

Do you really think your father feels nothing for you? It sound's to me like he respects and admires you for how far you have come in your life without him because you do not need him to look after you?

I have quite a similar history with my own father and to put it bluntly: if you want to continue your relationship with him, you have to get over his will. Presuming your father is in good health, the effects of it are not going to come into fruition for many years to come?

He owes you and your brother the world and he knows it. He has given his love to his new sons, but has given you nothing. The guilt of that is so strong and would hurt him so much if he acknowledged it, that he cannot face it, to the point that he even denies that he owes you anything at all.