...to cut all ties with my dad because of this??

[meerkatsandkookaburras]

its a long stoy so if you do read all this thanks in advance

my mum and dad had two kids me 1ge 29 now and my brother aged 27 now, they divorced when i was 4ish and my brother was 2ish - i say ish as they dont agree on when they split and why and neither have been honest with me i dont think about it but i try to let that go as its in the past even though their disagreement makes a difference of 2 yrs of if i saw my dad for tht time or not!! when i was almost 6 i moved house with my mum and brother a few hundred miles up the country, my mum says as my dad wasnt interested anyway, my dad says my mum took us from him when he was seeing us regularly. anyway either way from me being 6 i never saw or has any contact with my dad but neer knew why. At 20 i got back in touch with my dad through solicitors - he still had same one i found in my mums paperwork from him all those years ago! my brother chose he did not want to contact my dad and thats not changed since then either.

so fastforward to when i was 20 to now, ive slowly got to know my dad a bit, things can still be a bit awkward and he lives about a 3hr drive away so its not been easy but i truely thought we were getting closer and that he was pleased we were back in touch. He had remarried in those in between years and had a son who was 7 we got back in touch. he then 3 years after we got back in contact adopted another son wth his wife. these two boys are now 16 - his son, and 14 his son that was adopted. I try my best to keep in touch with my dad but it has sometimes been difficult as obviously we dont know each other that well but its been getting easier and i feel i know him much better now than a year or two ago.

At christmas my stepmum - dads wife died she was only 49 and had cancer. she was a lovely lady and always tried so hard with me, harder than i felt my dad did - i think she encouraged him a lot and told him to ring/email me more often than not!! Since then me and my dad have got a lot closer and speak more on the phone and weve discussed the past a bit more and thats broken the ice a bit and i really felt like we were getting much closer and that give it a year or two those lost years would have pretty much lost significance. I reealised too that as his boys are only 16 and 14 i am theoretically his next of kin as he has no other family which i found very hard as im only 29 and i worried about what would happen to the boys, how id organise a funeral etc i have no idea so it was quite a worrying time thinking of all that could be etc really stressed me but i took it all on board and thought i must get closer to my dad still and somehow find a way to ask him his wishes for funerals etc should he die as otherwise i wouldnt want to make the wrong choice when that comes to it etc.

Then fastforward to last night, i phoned my dad as not heard from him in a few weeks. in an hour on the phone he never once asked after me, my partner or my son. Then came the bit which really hurt me. he said that since his wife had died he felt he should write a will as he no longer had his wife who would automatically have had everything. Anyone who knows me knows im not after his money, all i have ever wanted was a dad but i found what he said really hurtful. he said that he has named on his insurance poliies etc his two sons as only next of kin and in his will he has left 75% of everything to the eldest and 25% to the youngest (personally i think this wrong even leaving my feelings out as surely an adopted child becomes your child and shouldnt be treated differently!?). he then went on to say that as he felt that then i might choose to contest the will eh has ensured that he has had a medical report done and that states he is of sound mind and has chosen not to leave anything to me or my brother (which i understand more as hes not had anything to do with him). He said everything in house etc all his possessions and money would be split in this way. so essentially i will be left nothing. now as i say im not after his money but he has plenty and surely leaving me a small amount or an item wouldnt be too hard and to have so callously told me all this i was so upset not so much about his belongings and money if he dies but also about how that therefore means he sees me in his life. i am not rich by a long shot, im in some debt from university and the fact my partenr recently lost his job and i cant work easily due to my sons disability so its not like he truely thinks i wouldnt need anything.

so given all this am i being unreasonable if i just never contact my dad again as he clearly feels nothing for me or do you think i am taking it too personally?? any opinions welcome and thansk if you have read this far!

Claig - what ypu have said is so true. Plus is about self presevration as well. Yes you can go down the blame route, and analyse why someone has let you down so much. But I think that way madness lies. I think you just have to just let things go or you can make yourself ill (voice of experience).

Same as I would so so not bother ever contesting the will legally if it ever came to that point. Seriously I think in those situations the only person you will harm and hurt is yourself.

GetOrfMoiLand, you are right, we cannot change things, we will only hurt ourselves in the end. If we understood the reasons why people act the way they do, then we could forgive them. But we haven't got this understanding. Only God has this understanding, and God loves all of us equally, whatever our faults.

If you can't see whats wrong with a man who, having already abandoned his children as infants, after making a relationship then turn around and say you're getting nothing off me, and I think you're a gold digger anyway, then I despair.

Its not about money, its basic human decency. And you can't blame grief for him being a twat, he was a twat 25 years ago as well.

i havent read all the replies yet as to be honest im really upset about the whole thing and my little boy is running riot but i will later but to clarify a few things ive noticed i obviously worded wrong or didnt make clear

• i did ask my mum about my dad numerous times but was never allowed contact i had no choice but to do it myself at 20yrs old

• i never mentioned funeral arrangements or wills with my dad, i just thought about it and thought that one day in the future i will have to bring this up as didnt want god forbid him to die with no will and be left to me to sort out being the eldest and only adult child in contact with him etc but I didnt ever actually ask him

• all ive ever wanted was his love, its the nastiness about the money etc thats made me think i havent got that either, ive never asked him for anything, im getting married this year and not once have i asked for money towards it if i was a gold digger surely i would have done

• my dad i believe is in reasonable health but i wouldnt say particularly good health and has talked to me about the possibility he feels like he cant cope and would be better ending it all, i responded by saying did he want to come and stay here with the boys for a break, did he want me to go down there, has he thought about counselling etc so i tried my best

• my relationship with my half brothers has always been difficult as they are very quiet, i do text/facebook the eldest but the younger one doesnt speak to me really just because hes quiet not arguement or anything and regardless of my dad i would never hold it against them

I feel its always been a bit one way and this will thing has just kind of clarified that and his feelings to me its had me in tears most of the day not because i want his money but because i want him to love me ive always wanted that from being young ive never known the truth as to why he didnt see me and probably wont ever know as both my parents stick to their stories which cant possibly both have any truth in them as are completely different. i know he is still grieving but hes my dad in a 1hr long conversation why did he not ask once how i am yet say all that about the will etc its just really hurt thats all. Ill come back on when ds is in bed and read replies properly ive just skimmed through them a bit now

i havent read all the replies yet as to be honest im really upset about the whole thing and my little boy is running riot but i will later but to clarify a few things ive noticed i obviously worded wrong or didnt make clear

• i did ask my mum about my dad numerous times but was never allowed contact i had no choice but to do it myself at 20yrs old

• i never mentioned funeral arrangements or wills with my dad, i just thought about it and thought that one day in the future i will have to bring this up as didnt want god forbid him to die with no will and be left to me to sort out being the eldest and only adult child in contact with him etc but I didnt ever actually ask him

• all ive ever wanted was his love, its the nastiness about the money etc thats made me think i havent got that either, ive never asked him for anything, im getting married this year and not once have i asked for money towards it if i was a gold digger surely i would have done

• my dad i believe is in reasonable health but i wouldnt say particularly good health and has talked to me about the possibility he feels like he cant cope and would be better ending it all, i responded by saying did he want to come and stay here with the boys for a break, did he want me to go down there, has he thought about counselling etc so i tried my best

• my relationship with my half brothers has always been difficult as they are very quiet, i do text/facebook the eldest but the younger one doesnt speak to me really just because hes quiet not arguement or anything and regardless of my dad i would never hold it against them

I feel its always been a bit one way and this will thing has just kind of clarified that and his feelings to me its had me in tears most of the day not because i want his money but because i want him to love me ive always wanted that from being young ive never known the truth as to why he didnt see me and probably wont ever know as both my parents stick to their stories which cant possibly both have any truth in them as are completely different. i know he is still grieving but hes my dad in a 1hr long conversation why did he not ask once how i am yet say all that about the will etc its just really hurt thats all. Ill come back on when ds is in bed and read replies properly ive just skimmed through them a bit now

also my mum has another child since her and my dad split and 2 step children too so does that mean in some peoples eyes when he divorced my mum not only did he get away with paying maintenance for all my life but also she is one who has to pay for me to grow up and leave in her will, why should he have kids and never care for or pay for them!? sorry if that sounds stroppy im just fed up of it all i want my dad to care thats all

Meerkats, how dreadful for you.

I'm afraid your dad sounds really quite awful. He is deliberately cutting a child out of his will and letting you know.

I think there is no chance your dad will love you in the way you want, he sounds like he is not really capable of it.

There is a lady in a similar situation on the stately homes thread who says she is "in mourning for the dad I will never have".

My friend's husband's mother does similar...she rings her boys regularly to tell them she is changing her will, once it was shared 50/50, once 70/30, once 90/10. It seems to be a form of control in her case, then they both have to run round to "prove" they love her. Quite dreadful, and ultimately soul destroying.

All you can really say to your dad is "I do not understand why you have done this, but it is your choice." and then, if you wish to cut contact (and for your own mental health it sounds advisable), you can continue "You have made your lack of feelings for me clear, so I will just bow out of your life and do not expect me to look after you if your health deteriorates."

He is being an idiot. Even if its not an even split between you and half brothers he should at least give you a token. Thats called manners.

WOW. I take it all back, at not one point are YBU. I really feel for you , he's treated you as though you are not one of his children and maybe this is why your mother never allowed you contact.

You're right, both of your parents cannot be correct, maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle?

I think I would feel exactly the same as you and you are completely within your rights to end contact with him. You seem to have really tried and been so caring towards him but the fact he seems sooooooo bitter and suicidal may mean he's not in the right frame of mind (although apparently medical records show he is). Unfortunately for you he just may be one of those horrible human beings.

Can I just ask though, did this just come out of the blue, had he ever spoken to you about wills or whatnot before? What else was he saying for the hour long conversation if he didn't even bother to ask after you and your family?

He is not a horrible human being. He loves you dearly, but he cannot show you. His heart is trapped, he protects it, because if he accepted his love for you, it would break his heart. He knows he has done wrong, he fears he can never repair what he has done, so he acts cold towards you to distance you from him, so that he can avoid the pain of what he has done. If you can understand him, then you can help him. Show him your love, ask nothing of him. Eventually he will feel safe to show you how much he loves you and how much he wishes he could turn the clock back.

How does cutting a child being cut out of a will demonstrate love?

In his mind he copes by pretending that he owes her nothing. That way he has no guilt and believes he is justified in everything that he has done. He has built a wall around himself and won't let her enter. The fact that he has done this shows just how much he really loves her. If he didn't care about her, there would be no need for a wall. He cannot demonstrate his love, because it would destroy him and cause him to crumble, but the love is there buried beneath the hurt.

I think the adopted son has been treated more shabbily than the OP. If you adopt a child then you should regard them as your own. The 75:25 split sounds really small minded and unfair.
It's less than 2 months since this guy's wife died.
I think the OP has to think long term on this one and give the guy some grieving space.
I can understand feeling hurt by his actions, but if you do value the relationship with him then if you break things off now when he is bereaved and has just said you aren't in his will it does make you look rather heartless and moneygrabbing.
I'd keep in touch and give things a year or so. If he makes minimal effort (you'll then see how bothered he really is re contacting you, although bereavement can make people shut others out) you can then start withdrawing from him.
I agree with those who say his wife's kids should get more as her share of the money should go to them. Also I think kids need money more than adults. My will now is different to one I'll make when my kids are older and financially independant.
Dependant kids should always get priority, partly why I think the younger adopted sib has been treated shabbily. His need for money if anything happens to his dad is greater than his older brother.

I think there is nothing on earth worse than treating your own flesh and blood shabbily. It goes against all nature. I think it is such a strange act, that there is a reason why it is done.

Hi

I don't know the ins and outs, but to mention the medical (he could of had it done without mentioning it) is a bit of a low blow.

If he is seeing you in this light, I just wouldn't call.... See how long it is before he makes contact. I suspect he won't.

As for his boys to do the 75:25 split is well just plain wrong. All seems very odd.

Sorry it's not worked out for you, but remember you have a loving husband and child... that's your true family.

'He is not a horrible human being. He loves you dearly, but he cannot show you. His heart is trapped, he protects it, because if he accepted his love for you, it would break his heart. He knows he has done wrong, he fears he can never repair what he has done, so he acts cold towards you to distance you from him, so that he can avoid the pain of what he has done. '

Are you the dad? Because I happen to think he's a twat. Sometimes people are just arseholes, and there's no rhyme or reason for it, they just are.

Because when you're not a twat you don't treat your own child this way. You apologise and face up and take responsibility for how you acted, no matter how much it 'breaks your heart'. YOU face up and take the pain for the greater good that is your child's feelings and well-being, because you're the older and wiser one.

She's supposed to keep putting up with his behaviour just because he's a poor, misunderstood soul who can't be bothered to contact her and when she contacts him, insunuates that she's nothing but a gold digger?

He's had her in tears all day, bet she cried oceans for him over the course of her life, but she's supposed to just feel badly because well, poor, misunderstood twat Dad can't be a bigger person for his own daughter?

Meerkat, you need to look after YOU first.

Miggsie's posts are spot on.

I agree, it's the medical, and telling you about it that is hurtful. Not just leaving you out, but implying that you are greedy as well. Also the difference between his 2 sons is bound to make some bad feeling.

A will really is the final statement, it is so important to be fair. I am determined, that whatever the differences between my children, if one of them annoys me, or if one of them is richer than the others, I am still going to split my stuff equally (hope its not debts). I hope I stick to this!

You're Dad can't be thinking straight. He's looking at the situation as it is now rather than how it might be by the time he dies (if he's the same age as his wife he could be around a long time yet). He may be thinking that all his wealth was accumulated with his second wife so should go to her children (my dad specifically excludes his son from his first marraige in his will but then he hasn't seen him for 57 years). But he's probably just freaked out by what might happen to his two youngest sons if anything should happen to him. I find the way he's left it 75/25 a bit weird but there may be more to that than he's told you, too. A friend's Dad left the bulk of his estate to her and her sisters and virtually cut her brother out - not because of a problem realtionship but just because women are less able to look after themselves apparently!

I think that the second son is being treated appallingly first off. Secondly, I think that although the money isn't an issue in itself, and wouldn't be if I were in the OP's shoes, a person's 'last will and testament' says an awful lot about what they thought of the people around them. The medical puts the tin lid on that.

I don't know if I'd cut all contact but I'd certainly make my feelings about his attitude known, and find out if he really is interested in the relationship or if you are flogging a dead horse.

"He is not a horrible human being. He loves you dearly, but he cannot show you. His heart is trapped, he protects it, because if he accepted his love for you, it would break his heart. He knows he has done wrong, he fears he can never repair what he has done, so he acts cold towards you to distance you from him, so that he can avoid the pain of what he has done. If you can understand him, then you can help him. Show him your love, ask nothing of him. Eventually he will feel safe to show you how much he loves you and how much he wishes he could turn the clock back."

Claig Do you know him personally? If not, how did you get all that from OP's post? Maybe he isn't a horrible man but he did a couple horrible things and those things are about as far away from love as cn be.

twotimes - he was going on about how he has been talking to his solicitor about his case for suing his old employer after an accident at work and also about one of his neighbours?!?! the lead up to him mentioning the will was him saying that he had been to solicitors about the whole suing employer thing then he just threw in the will stuff, i tried my very best to not get upset or anything i just said well whatever you choose its your choicce noone can tell you what you want to do and then kind of a few minutes later made excuses to get off phone- wasnt too hard after such a long one sided conversation i got a handful or words in edgeways of him going on, mostly about people i dont even know and about how he has has his hair cut!??! never before have wills been mentioned and i only know about his financial situation as he told me recently randomly which i thought was rather odd at the time and just changed subject if i recall or didnt say much as ive never cared about his money just wanted his love and maybe a token thing when he dies so never even thought of it as anything to do with him dying when he mentioned his money, does that make sense?!

expatinscotland - youre so right i really have cried on and off over the years so much for the love of my dad since i was so young noone has ever told me the truth as to why they split and there really is no middle ground one is lying or both are lying, he just doesnt ever seem to care however hard i try i guess i hoped he just struggled showing it but did feel it inside and now this just shows there is nothing inside either if he had left 50/50 to the boys and token something money or object to me id feel so much better as it would show to me he has feelings for me

expat you seem to know how i feel so well lol so i know you?!

my dads 56, his parents died quite young though i think in their 60's so i guess he knows that and is considering that. i know he is still grieving etc i do but in my eyes if he writes a will and thinks so much abotu the medical etc then he must feel that inside its not like hes just thinking oh what do i do in my will hes thought it through, got it written, been for the medical, signed the final copy and then told me about it!! i only phoned him to see how he was and tell him his birthday present is in the post but may be late as hes 56 on sunday but i didnt post it til friday yet this is the response i get?! i know obviously the will was written before i phoned but i do try so hard with him, i went to his wifes funeral on my own as had noone to look after my son a 3hr each way drive for the day as was not asked if i wanted to sleep at theres to make it easier, i did that and rung him every day for about 3 weeks around her death and funeral to see how he was and he said he appreciated it as has noone to talk to so ive tried my very best yet 4 weeks ago i rung him and he said he would ring me in a few days, i left it 4 weeks before giving in and calling him again it seems hes been busy in those 4 weeks will writing while ive been worrying and wondering whether to ring or leave him to grieve alone a bit more than ring so often!!!

i still am undecided what to do for the best but thanks for all support im going through a horrible time personally at the moment and this has just topped it off to be honest ive been in tears all day

I think Claig you are making a lot of interpretations which may or may not be accurate but without getting his view then it is impossible to say.

I am sorry but I don't think he is a twat. I think he is a human being with complex feelings. No human being is a twat. No I don't know him personally, but I have experienced lots of people of all types, and I know that life is not black and white. I said that what he did was disgusting.

A heart is not always worn on a sleeve. Deep love can be hidden, trapped in a cold heart. Pain forces love to hide. People are weak, people have human failings. People can do horrible things due to love, there is a love-hate relationship. I think he does the horrible things he does to her, in order to prevent her becoming close to him, because he fears that closeness, it will open up a dam of pain. There are destitute mothers in the third world who love their children desperately, and because of that love they hand their children over for adoption to rich westerners, in the hope that their children will have a better life. And to help the crying child leave and go with its new parents, the mother may even be cruel to the child and tell the child that she doesn't want the child anymore. This looks cruel but it is done through selfless love. Never judge a book by its cover.

I think he does love her and I know that she loves him. I think what is best for meerkat is for her to love him and him to love her, and I think that a lack of compassion towards him, as shown by many posters here, will destroy any chance of that.

I think what he has done is disgusting, but I think she should not break contact with him, because I believe in time he will be able to demonstrate the love that he feels for her.

How do you get on with your half brother and your adopted half brother?

I am sure they would give you a keepsake once your father dies.

Do you know any of his friends? His behaviour sounds odd, suing everybody, going about the will making and telling you in the manner he did, he was happy speaking to you but doesn't actually contact you, - it sounds like a habit - and not that I'm condoning it but maybe he did rely on his wife to keep contact with people.
Maybe he didn't invite you to stay because he didn't think of it (seriously).

Unfortunately meerkat it sounds like cutting him out of your life would affect you more than it would affect him. Think very carefully before you do cut him out, the will really isn't everything but your sanity is. I honestly think you have to be upfront with him, in a non-confrontational way. And ask him why he felt the need to say it to you. Tell him you've been crying all day because you think he hates you or whatever it is that you do feel. He sounds like a very complicated man and your feelings literally may not register with him unless you lay it all out on the table for him.