...to cut all ties with my dad because of this??

[meerkatsandkookaburras]

its a long stoy so if you do read all this thanks in advance

my mum and dad had two kids me 1ge 29 now and my brother aged 27 now, they divorced when i was 4ish and my brother was 2ish - i say ish as they dont agree on when they split and why and neither have been honest with me i dont think about it but i try to let that go as its in the past even though their disagreement makes a difference of 2 yrs of if i saw my dad for tht time or not!! when i was almost 6 i moved house with my mum and brother a few hundred miles up the country, my mum says as my dad wasnt interested anyway, my dad says my mum took us from him when he was seeing us regularly. anyway either way from me being 6 i never saw or has any contact with my dad but neer knew why. At 20 i got back in touch with my dad through solicitors - he still had same one i found in my mums paperwork from him all those years ago! my brother chose he did not want to contact my dad and thats not changed since then either.

so fastforward to when i was 20 to now, ive slowly got to know my dad a bit, things can still be a bit awkward and he lives about a 3hr drive away so its not been easy but i truely thought we were getting closer and that he was pleased we were back in touch. He had remarried in those in between years and had a son who was 7 we got back in touch. he then 3 years after we got back in contact adopted another son wth his wife. these two boys are now 16 - his son, and 14 his son that was adopted. I try my best to keep in touch with my dad but it has sometimes been difficult as obviously we dont know each other that well but its been getting easier and i feel i know him much better now than a year or two ago.

At christmas my stepmum - dads wife died she was only 49 and had cancer. she was a lovely lady and always tried so hard with me, harder than i felt my dad did - i think she encouraged him a lot and told him to ring/email me more often than not!! Since then me and my dad have got a lot closer and speak more on the phone and weve discussed the past a bit more and thats broken the ice a bit and i really felt like we were getting much closer and that give it a year or two those lost years would have pretty much lost significance. I reealised too that as his boys are only 16 and 14 i am theoretically his next of kin as he has no other family which i found very hard as im only 29 and i worried about what would happen to the boys, how id organise a funeral etc i have no idea so it was quite a worrying time thinking of all that could be etc really stressed me but i took it all on board and thought i must get closer to my dad still and somehow find a way to ask him his wishes for funerals etc should he die as otherwise i wouldnt want to make the wrong choice when that comes to it etc.

Then fastforward to last night, i phoned my dad as not heard from him in a few weeks. in an hour on the phone he never once asked after me, my partner or my son. Then came the bit which really hurt me. he said that since his wife had died he felt he should write a will as he no longer had his wife who would automatically have had everything. Anyone who knows me knows im not after his money, all i have ever wanted was a dad but i found what he said really hurtful. he said that he has named on his insurance poliies etc his two sons as only next of kin and in his will he has left 75% of everything to the eldest and 25% to the youngest (personally i think this wrong even leaving my feelings out as surely an adopted child becomes your child and shouldnt be treated differently!?). he then went on to say that as he felt that then i might choose to contest the will eh has ensured that he has had a medical report done and that states he is of sound mind and has chosen not to leave anything to me or my brother (which i understand more as hes not had anything to do with him). He said everything in house etc all his possessions and money would be split in this way. so essentially i will be left nothing. now as i say im not after his money but he has plenty and surely leaving me a small amount or an item wouldnt be too hard and to have so callously told me all this i was so upset not so much about his belongings and money if he dies but also about how that therefore means he sees me in his life. i am not rich by a long shot, im in some debt from university and the fact my partenr recently lost his job and i cant work easily due to my sons disability so its not like he truely thinks i wouldnt need anything.

so given all this am i being unreasonable if i just never contact my dad again as he clearly feels nothing for me or do you think i am taking it too personally?? any opinions welcome and thansk if you have read this far!

Actually, you know what, I am realizing what a pushover I am, so I shall leave this thread. Thanks expat. Something just Clicked in my mind just now.

I wonder if we should cut the father some slack. It's an oversimplification but, generally, women are better at this keeping in touch lark than men. OP said that the step-mother "always tried so hard with me, harder than i felt my dad did - i think she encouraged him a lot and told him to ring/email me more often than not"
He's not used to initiating contact. They are a household of three males with no female influence. And don't forget that they all are still grieving. They need a bit of guidance and handholding.

Interesting that OP is worried about the relationship with father but hasn't mentioned half-brother nor adopted brother. Do they get dropped, too, because of father's actions?

don't rush into anything.

If you have been discussing funerals/ arrangements after his death with him then his response may be understandable. If not then to tell you the arrangements he has made was cruel but he is being honest with you and perhaps testing whether you are interested in him or his money.

I would be trying to talk to other people (aunts/uncles/friends of the family?) to establish what did happen when your parents split up.

Having done that I'd probably tell him I was hurt that he felt the need to go to those lengths because I had no intention of contesting whatever he did with his money. I'd also say that I was distressed that he'd abandoned me years ago and now wasn't making much effort to rebuild a relationship. Would still keep in touch but maybe make less effort myself.

This must have hurt you very much. I'm guessing that the money isn't the issue, it's what it represents... being important to your Dad, and that's why you are also feeling sad for your adopted brother.

I think your Dad is trying to make sure that your brothers are provided for in the event of his death ( something which will be preying in his mind after losing someone close at such a young age) but has been a bit thoughtless about his delivery.

It won't stop you feeling hurt and rejected though. Especially as he has questioned your integrity over his will.

Maybe you could talk to him about the hurt you're feeling at his mistrust, reassure him that you don't want his money but gently suggest that the difference in the boy's legacies may make the youngest feel really rejected and he won't be able to get reassurance from his Dad at that point.

You could also ask if he could leave you a keepsake... something personal that will remind you of him when he's gone.

Don't let this feeling fester... I have cried buckets over a locket of my Grandmother's that Dad gave to me and Mum took back. It meant such a lot to me and I resented my Mum so much. I completely understand how horrible it feels.

You know what, this really does resonate with something which has happened in my own life recently.

Sorry for thread hijack but will just say what has happened with me.

My mum didn't raise me - my gran did and I saw my mum about 5 times from birth to 16. For several years I was raised to believe that my mum was my sister, my gran my mum etc. My gran was very abusive and it was a pretty nasty upbringing.

I left my gran's when I was 16 (all the children she had raised, 5 of hwe ow kids and me left as soon as they could because she was a nasty piece of work).
I then got in touch with my mum and after a LOT of hard work we built a relationship of sorts. Not perfect but hey, she is my mum.

Fast forward 15 years. My gran died last year intestate, so her estate was divided between all of her 5 children. Good. On the day of funeral my mum says to me that as I was raised by my gran and 'shared' in the abusive childood I would have a share in the money. To be honest I couldn't care less at this point.

Couple of months later she says that she and her siblings will not share the money 6 wasy instead of 5. This is all fine and dandy as I never thought that this would happen anyway. So mum says that she would split her share equally with me. Talking about around £100k to be split.

Last year she then told me that she had decided that I was not to have the mney as I had a job and she was going to give 50K to my brother.

I was angered by this as it made me feel that I was not as valued as my brother (who incidentally she raised from birth, he is 9 years younger than me). Brother incidentally is earning more than me as is a soccer coach in America.

So I just assume my mother's behavioyr is that of favouritism for her other child, one who she has a close relationship with, as opposed to me whom she only got to know in adulthood.

It has affected our relationhsip. However I don't want to complain about anything as I feel it would be mercenary and people should do what the hell I like with their money.

However my DP thinks she has treated me like someone of no importance from birth and he is very angry on my behalf. However I veer from being hurt and feeling that she should have given me something, to philosophical about the whole business. To be honest I cxan't spend any time thinking about it because it opens up the whole 'why did you leave me when you gave birth' can of worms.

Sorry long post of rambling nothingness there. But the OP struck a chord. God knwos why I offered advice when my own personal feelings about my own situation are so muddled.

I really don't understand what is wrong with OP's Dad only leaving the money to his sons.

1. The boys Mother has died so half the money was hers and should only go to her children anyway.

1. The boys are CHILDREN and will need to be totally provided for should the Father die.

1. The Dad will presume that OP's MOther will leave everything to OP and her brother.

1. The OP clearly does care about the money as she has mentioned how much she thinks she should get as well as the fact she would consider cutting him out becuase he doesn't want to give her any money.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say that you should let the issue with the will go. That is entirely his business.

The important issue is your relationship with him from here on. You've spent a long time rebuilding a relationship with your father, what a shame it would be to throw it all away now, especially at such a difficult time in his life. He is grieving and he may say things that don't seem rational right now. Let him know that you're there for him; phone him every couple of weeks just to say how are you, send him a picture your ds has drawn etc.

Don't talk about money - even your lack of it as he might see this as you trying to get something out of him (as I said he won't be thinkng entirely rationally right now).

With your stepmum no longer around to prompt him to keep in touch (lots of men rely on their wives for this sort of thing) your relationship will be more fragile than ever. Don't throw it away over a money issue, that you say yourself is up to him anyway.

Nurture your relationship for now and see how it goes. Now isn't the time to cut off a man grieving for his wife and caring for two children by himself.

'I really don't understand what is wrong with OP's Dad only leaving the money to his sons.'

I don't, either. It that he, by his own actions, presumed she would contest the will and made it clear to her that he is making sure she gets nothing, not even a keepsake.

Oh, and that she is doing all the work in the relationship.

I don't buy this, 'Oh, he's a man so it's okay that he never initiated contact.'

She's his child, but that doesn't, by his actions, seem very important to him.

To quote Quint: We dont have an automatic claim to anybodys money, just because we family

This is the crux of the matter and this is what makes Lucyellens personal attack on me so ridiculous. Money is more often than not the root of all evil within families. Feeling you are owed something is the road to misery.

Meerkat you said yourself that perhaps you are confusing the materialistic and emotional here. I think you need to explore this for yourself regardless of whether you continue a relationship with your father.

expat you are making sweeping judgements about this man based on what little info the OP has volunteered. None of us, including the OP, know the truth of the break up or why there has been no contact for so long. TBH it sounds to me like you are bringing your own baggage to this issue.

"I don't buy this, 'Oh, he's a man so it's okay that he never initiated contact.' "

You have to deal with life the way it is, not the way it should be. I suggested 'guidance and handholding' to gradually educate them to be better communicators.

@ GetOrf

You say yourself that you worry for his sons as they are young and will have nobody else.
I guess he has the same worries for them.

The split between the 2 boys does seem unfair though.

My own baggage? I grew up with two happily married parents. Who are still happily married. A father who, at nearly 80, still makes an effort to contact me and my sister regularly, individually.

The OP said she contacted him initially, when she was an adult. That's a fact, not a sweeping generalisation.

She states that he had no contacted her for weeks, and that the stepmother worked harder than her father. That's a fact, not a sweeping generalisation.

I agree entirely with expat. This isn't about the money, it's about the fact that the OP has made huge efforts to rekindle her relationship with her Dad, and her Dad is all 'hi, by the way, you get nothing when I die, I've got a medical certificate so don't even think about it, no, not even a memento'. Those of you talking about what's fair to the younger children, does the fact that he's warning her off not register? The fact that there's not even a token amount there? The fact that she tracked him down, she rings him, etc?

It's a hell of a slap in the face, frankly.

OP, my psrents split when I was 4, ongoing animosity, etc. Dad quit his job so's not to pay maintenance, there was 'he said she said' about us moving to Australia when I was an adolescent (mum: "he encouraged us" dad "it broke my heart but she took you away), when I was 16 she took him back to court for child support and he hired a lawyer to fight it and cut off the tiny bit of contact we still had.

Fast forward to when I'm 23, and we get back in contact. Since then we've rekindled a relationship, and yes it's awkward and uncomfortable and both of us falter sometimes. And my stepmother facilitates most of the communication, she's great.

Anyway. It's never been about money for me at all. My Dad isn't badly off at all, better off than my Mum, certainly. And he has one further child, aged 15 now (I'm 31). But apart from a general awareness of that, I've never cared.

Which is why it came as a shock when, in an attempt to reassure me that my brother and I are still loved, valued members of his family, he told me recently that his will split things 3 ways between his three kids.

I mean, I was 'um, ok' because I've never considered it. But I know why he said it; he was telling me I was as loved as his youngest child.

So I can see why the opposite message was so hurtful to you.

We do know that her mum moved hundreds of miles away from her father. We dont know if he even knew where his ex wife and children was. OP could any time have asked her mum about her father, she did not have to wait till she was a grown up to seek him out.

GetOrf How extremely unfair. Have you ever told your mum that you are disappointed in her?

My father was evicted from the farm he stood in line to inherited when his father died. Basically, my grandfather and grandmother had a farm, and two children: my uncle and my father. My grandfathers siblings lived on the farm, too, but they worked elsewhere. But my grandfather owned it, and my father was the rightful heir. When my grandfather died, the siblings joined forces and threw my grandma and her two children (then 14 and 7 years old) out. So she was bereaved, single mum of two kids, and homeless.

It is not money that is the root of all evil, but greed.

My grandma became a lodger, and took on work as a seemstress. My father and uncle both had to find work. It was 40 years before contact between him and his aunts and uncles were established. They rebuilt some relationship. Until one day the siblings sold the farm to somebody else rather than letting it fall back to its rightful owner. They had sold it, but with an agreement they could still live there till they died.

The final remaining sibling ended up a lonely old spinster with a rented flat in town. My father could no longer be bothered with his old aunt. But it seems she gained some understanding of the familys actions by the time she died. Her will bequested £200.000 to my father. It came as quite a surprise to him.

'OP could any time have asked her mum about her father, she did not have to wait till she was a grown up to seek him out.'

So she, as a child and not he, the adult, should have facilitated continued contact? That was as much her responsibility, as a child, as his?

Yeah, okay.

That is not exactly what I am saying. Plenty of people have a wish to seek out their biological father/mother, and do so before adulthood. I am not saying it is the childs responsibility to do this.

I feel for you Op.

Your dad is being unreasonable.
I think you need to think hard and decide is it of benefit to you to continue having a relationship with your dad. If it is more harmful than beneficial then personally I would let all contact fade, after all it doesn't sound like he makes much of an effort anyway.
I don't buy all this "your Mum took you away from me crap", nothing would stop me seeing my kids and I do mean nothing. At 6 you would remember if he came to see you or not so I can see why he would insist you were 4 as you can convince yourself that you don't have clear memories at that age.
Try not to let the will thing bother you, he may be trying to force you away and therefore justify his selfish behaviour. He sounds a very mean man, thinking that because he now has a new family you don't matter.
For what it's worth I would contest the will, although I don't know anything about such matters so don't know how it stands in law.
Whatever you do, think of your our feelings and family first.

I think senua is right
"I wonder if we should cut the father some slack. It's an oversimplification but, generally, women are better at this keeping in touch lark than men"
I think it is true that on the whole men are not as capable at dealing with emotional issues as women. They are more afraid of the loss of control that will occur if they try to face these emotional issues. I think it is the way of the world that women have more inner strength and are better at coping with emotions, pain, loss and suffering than men.
I agree with expatinscotland that the father's behaviour is terrible, but I can understand it because I think it comes from a weakness and an inability to face his guilt and emotions. That is why I think the OP has to try and see it from his shoes, even though I think it is terrible what he has done.

I think that children come above everything and children should be entitled to money in a will. I am not sure, but I think in France under the legal Napoleonic code, money has to be shared equally between children. I think this is true of much of Europe, which has inherited much of the Napoleonic code. I wouldn't be surprised if one day we are subject to the same law under EU inheritance tax harmonisation.

I think it is the duty of a parent to try to treat all of their children equally. I can understand that the younger boys need more security than the OP, but to give the OP and her brother nothing at all is nearly unforgivable. Having said that I think the OP has to try and forgive him and maintain contact, because whatever he does, he is still her dad. Time may make him realise that he has done wrong, and he may still change and do the right thing.

Quint - no there is absolutely no point in having this discussion with my mother. She is one of life's professional victims, and she will weep and wail and cry, and then say that she is upset, and call everyone she knows telling them I am being horrible to her.

I went down that road with her when I tried to find out who my father was.

To be honest we live 150 miles away, and we speak very infrequently. She is not a huge part of my life so I don't want to spend too much energy on analysing the whys and wherefores. My dd is 14 and stuck in the middle of all the shit, and the last thing I want to do is rock the boat and cause their relationship to be affected. So motto of it is just to keep calm and carry on!

Qyuint you are so right when you say that greed can cause so many heartbreaking problems (OP that is not a reference to your issue, rather than that of Quint's relatives). Your poor grandmother Quint, she must have had a hell of a time of it.

Oh, GetOrf, it made her one heck of a strong lady! She was running a mechanical workshop, (which was taken from her by the occupational powers during the second world war) employing at the most 20 men! She has been hailed as one of the first Female Managers in a Male dominated occupation in my country!

Well, I think it depends how bothered OP is about seeing her father.

It has been handled badly by him, but should the fact that she is not in his will affect her wanting to see him?

OP, I have not read the whole thread, just the earlier postings, and I am so sorry about how hurt you feel. If you contact your father, could I suggest it be by letter rather than by phone? That way you can say everything you want to without interruption and without emotion clogging you up (it will as you write, but not as he reads).

Perhaps you could point out how hurt you are by his actions. That following his DW's death, you had been worrying about what would happen to his DS's on his death, while he had been worrying about what would happen to his money. That by him taking such extreme measures to ensure you would not benefit from his death, you feel excluded from his life. That you think he is being unfair to his youngest son by leaving the bulk to the elder.

And then leave it. Wait and see if he contacts you again. And get on with your own life.

I think everybody wants and needs to be loved. Some parents are nasty pieces of work. But in that case I think the children have to try and forgive these parents and still love them. There is often an underlying reason and a frailty that causes these parents to be like that.

Good on your gran then! I can't imagine running a workshop of blokes back in those days. I work in metal machining myself and it's only in the last 5 years really that women have been able to go on the shop floor without 'comments'.