...to cut all ties with my dad because of this??

[meerkatsandkookaburras]

its a long stoy so if you do read all this thanks in advance

my mum and dad had two kids me 1ge 29 now and my brother aged 27 now, they divorced when i was 4ish and my brother was 2ish - i say ish as they dont agree on when they split and why and neither have been honest with me i dont think about it but i try to let that go as its in the past even though their disagreement makes a difference of 2 yrs of if i saw my dad for tht time or not!! when i was almost 6 i moved house with my mum and brother a few hundred miles up the country, my mum says as my dad wasnt interested anyway, my dad says my mum took us from him when he was seeing us regularly. anyway either way from me being 6 i never saw or has any contact with my dad but neer knew why. At 20 i got back in touch with my dad through solicitors - he still had same one i found in my mums paperwork from him all those years ago! my brother chose he did not want to contact my dad and thats not changed since then either.

so fastforward to when i was 20 to now, ive slowly got to know my dad a bit, things can still be a bit awkward and he lives about a 3hr drive away so its not been easy but i truely thought we were getting closer and that he was pleased we were back in touch. He had remarried in those in between years and had a son who was 7 we got back in touch. he then 3 years after we got back in contact adopted another son wth his wife. these two boys are now 16 - his son, and 14 his son that was adopted. I try my best to keep in touch with my dad but it has sometimes been difficult as obviously we dont know each other that well but its been getting easier and i feel i know him much better now than a year or two ago.

At christmas my stepmum - dads wife died she was only 49 and had cancer. she was a lovely lady and always tried so hard with me, harder than i felt my dad did - i think she encouraged him a lot and told him to ring/email me more often than not!! Since then me and my dad have got a lot closer and speak more on the phone and weve discussed the past a bit more and thats broken the ice a bit and i really felt like we were getting much closer and that give it a year or two those lost years would have pretty much lost significance. I reealised too that as his boys are only 16 and 14 i am theoretically his next of kin as he has no other family which i found very hard as im only 29 and i worried about what would happen to the boys, how id organise a funeral etc i have no idea so it was quite a worrying time thinking of all that could be etc really stressed me but i took it all on board and thought i must get closer to my dad still and somehow find a way to ask him his wishes for funerals etc should he die as otherwise i wouldnt want to make the wrong choice when that comes to it etc.

Then fastforward to last night, i phoned my dad as not heard from him in a few weeks. in an hour on the phone he never once asked after me, my partner or my son. Then came the bit which really hurt me. he said that since his wife had died he felt he should write a will as he no longer had his wife who would automatically have had everything. Anyone who knows me knows im not after his money, all i have ever wanted was a dad but i found what he said really hurtful. he said that he has named on his insurance poliies etc his two sons as only next of kin and in his will he has left 75% of everything to the eldest and 25% to the youngest (personally i think this wrong even leaving my feelings out as surely an adopted child becomes your child and shouldnt be treated differently!?). he then went on to say that as he felt that then i might choose to contest the will eh has ensured that he has had a medical report done and that states he is of sound mind and has chosen not to leave anything to me or my brother (which i understand more as hes not had anything to do with him). He said everything in house etc all his possessions and money would be split in this way. so essentially i will be left nothing. now as i say im not after his money but he has plenty and surely leaving me a small amount or an item wouldnt be too hard and to have so callously told me all this i was so upset not so much about his belongings and money if he dies but also about how that therefore means he sees me in his life. i am not rich by a long shot, im in some debt from university and the fact my partenr recently lost his job and i cant work easily due to my sons disability so its not like he truely thinks i wouldnt need anything.

so given all this am i being unreasonable if i just never contact my dad again as he clearly feels nothing for me or do you think i am taking it too personally?? any opinions welcome and thansk if you have read this far!

He is probably worried you are a gold digger.

Who brought up your fathers funeral arrangements? Did you manage to ask him about that BEFORE he told you about his will?

Because if you did, he might be mightily peeved that you bring up HIS funeral and his death shortly after he lost his wife. This would have been very insensitive of you. He might have taken this as a sign you are after his money.

If you had never spoken about funeral arrangments and he suddenly tells you his plans, then I would be a little upset, but otherwise not.

He has young children, and you are a grown up with your own family. His main concern would be to secure the younger children, they still need a roof over their heads, they still need money while they are in education. Or did you think they should leave school and fend for themselves?

To be honest, how you react to this will give your father a good indication of whether you see him for his company or or future gain. If you dont speak to him again, it proves a thing or two about you. And he will be glad he made the right decision regards his will.

(Btw. His late wife may have left HER estate to her son. the 25- 75 split may not be unfair.)

I think the following has also played a part here:-

"when i was almost 6 i moved house with my mum and brother a few hundred miles up the country, my mum says as my dad wasnt interested anyway, my dad says my mum took us from him when he was seeing us regularly. anyway either way from me being 6 i never saw or has any contact with my dad but neer knew why".

Both your parents have never truly been honest with you in this regard. Its all "he said, she said". You need straight answers, someone is not being straight with you here. Opinions and attitudes were far different even two decades ago to today but that still does not fully explain why your Dad was apparantly unable to contact you for 14 years. Why didn't he make more of an effort?.

It was not your fault in any way your parents separated; I think both you and your brother were badly let down by your parents ar that time because they put their own animosity towards each other first before the interests of their children.

oh i just love pheobes posts!! How selfish of the OP to expect to have a claim on her fathers new life - so, are you saying that, if a parent "moves on" and has a new family then the abandoned children just have to roll over??

Maybe the fact that this man abandoned the OP for most of her childhood actually entitles her to even more than his boys get? of course that doesn't make any sense but then neither do pheobes posts.

I will concur that he probably does want to provide for his sons as they are not "settled" yet and that they probably would be morally entitled to the lions share.

Meerkat - i really feel for you - do you know what i found the most telling part of your OP, is that it was YOU who phoned your dad after no contact for two weeks.

You don't sound materialistic at all, and i totally understand where you are coming from - why shouldnt you expect your parent to provide for you in the event of their death - isn't that what all of us as parents would do for our children.

Your father sounds like a deeply unhappy man to be honest.

I would understand why you would want to cut ties and this is going to be a big hurdle in your relationship i think, it will be a huge elephant in the room. I would step back, dont initiate contact, leave the ball in his court and concentrate on your own lovely family. At the end of the day, you can't MAKE him include you and almost why would you want to - but it might be worth talking to a solicitor.

I cannot BELIEVE that people are suggesting that the OP is a "gold digger" and quite frankly, even if she is - shes entitled to it!

LEM, I used the words "gold digger" yes, but not because I think the oP is one.

How would anyone feel if the person who they hope loves them gives them nothing at all. It is as if they are worthless. That is what hurts the OP. I would feel exactly the same.

I don't think it is about looking after his new family. He has hundreds of thousands in the bank, he is not going to die tomorrow, and his new boys will be in employment. The fact that he is prepared to give the OP nothing at all, shows that this is because he is not prepared to accept that he owes her anything at all. Anybody can see that he owes her big time, and he can see that also. But he can only look himself in the mirror by maintaining the pretence that he owes her nothing at all.

"i am theoretically his next of kin as he has no other family which i found very hard as im only 29 and i worried about what would happen to the boys, how id organise a funeral etc i have no idea so it was quite a worrying time thinking of all that could be etc really stressed me but i took it all on board and thought i must get closer to my dad still and somehow find a way to ask him his wishes for funerals etc should he die as otherwise i wouldnt want to make the wrong choice when that comes to it etc."

Had you discussed this with him already? If you have, do you think this prompted him. I only ask because if his wife only died at Christmas, he may have taken offence and thought you were at best being insensitive or at worst thinking about how much you may now inherit (now his wife's dead and you're the oldest next of kin). This may have caused him to react in this way.

If someone cuts you out of their will it is pretty nasty (especially when he has only done it to some of his children) but equally, are you only in contact with him because of what you may inherit? I often find the discussions of inheritance pretty distasteful, he is your father but you don't deserve his money just because of that. Needless to say the way he told you was pretty awful and I imagine heartbreaking, I do feel for you.

I don't think you can contest such a solid will, especially since he has had a medical to prevent such actions (and if he's had a medical he's probably fully disinherited you).

He is probably also scared of being hurt.
Maybe he is testing her. If she still sticks around after he has told her about the will, then it proves she loves him. It might not even be true.

Look guys, it is all nice and dandy supporting the OP saying "oh yes he is shit, and you are right to be hurt, cut him out from your life"

But I dont think that is what the op wants, and I dont think this is helping her.

I think different viewpoints, and attempts to find out what this man could be thinking should be welcomed, not scorned.

OP needs to find a way to keep in touch with her dad. It is early days. He has had a tremendous shock, he has lost his life partner, he might be scared of losing his daughter too. He might be worried that she will leave him behind, or only be after his money.

I say, lets give the guy a break.

meerkat dont do anything rash.

For now, just say to him something like "dad, I have been thinking about what you said about your will. I will respect your wishes, because I know you want to look out for your young sons, and I am a grown up. But I have grown up without you in my life, and this is a big sadness to me. What I want most of all is to have you in my life. But if you are using the will to let me know that you dont love me, you dont value my company, or the company of your own grandchildren, then I shall respect that too, and leave you and your sons alone. I have grown up without your company and your love for so long, there is no point sticking around, if you really see me as your daughter and worth having in your life"

The last sentence should read: if you really dont see me as your daughter and worth having in your life"

I left the don't out.

ps. I honestly don't think you're gold digger meerkats

Totally agree with all Quint has said.

Really wise advice I think OP. I think certainly don't be too rash and make kneejerk decisions based on this conversation with your dad.

I would leave things be for a bit, carry on as if the conversation never happened. Your dad is evidently still grieving. Then when you have had time to reflect a bit more, bring it up wth him again as Qunit advises.

For what it's worth, I never believe that a child is automatically entitled to any of their parent's estate, and don't think that the OP deserves anything. I do understand the hurt (have had something very similar happen re being cut out of will myself) but to over analyse everything and place a monetary value on yourself - well, I wouldn't advise you go down that road to be honest.

OP you are obviously very hurt about the whole thing which is understadable, however I really would say don't rock the boat and leave it for a while.

Thanks GetOrf.

I have also been cut out from a will.
My uncle was a wealthy man. He was also a very lovely man, and I adored him. When he was approaching 80, he told me he had made a will, and my sister would get most. He said "Your sister is a single mum on disability benefit. You are healthy, you have a good job, you have a working husband. I want to make sure that your sister is going to be ok."
I was Fine with that. It did not change our relationship at all.
You never know the inner workings of a family. On the surface, people could have said "my goodness, only the oldest daughter benefitted, what a horrid thing to do" - not the case at all. We dont have an automatic claim to anybodys money, just because we family.

A small addendum to what has already been said but it does sound like he has latched onto this issue and felt obliged to make a point.

Your father didn't just decide to say something hurtful, there is an origin to the behaviour and until you understand it you can't really judge it. I can imagine that he is going through an awful lot - his wife has died very recently, he's concerned about the future, he's confronting issues about the family he abandoned... That's not to condone his actions but perhaps they are understandable under the circumstances?

On the other side of the equation, you have obviously invested a great deal in establishing this relationship and maintaining it. It is clearly important to you. Give it time and avoid making a break if you can. You say he rarely contacts you so perhaps you can just check in occasionally to see how things are going?

OP-your brother will also get nothing?

Perhaps he thinks your mother can/will/should do something?

I agree with others who say not to do anything hasty. You say that you are not a gold-digger but if, nine years after you made contact with your dad, you cut off that contact immediately after being told that you are not in his will .... well, what do you think that it looks like to the outside world?
So for the sake of saving your own good name, don't do anything rash.

TBH, I think this sort of arrangement is fairly common where parents have divorced and only one parent has gone on to have more children- i.e. your father will assume that you and your brother will inherit from your mother, whereas his sons either inherit from him or get nothing.

Sometimes this is even arranged in divorce agreements (I know 2 cases where this has been the case).

Also, this may well have been agreed between him and his wife before her death- i.e. some of what her sons's inherit might have always been hers, not his. He may have promised her not to dilute her son's inheritance.

If your father had died before her, he would have left everything to his wife, and she would then have left it to her sons, so you're no worse off than if that had happened.

Personally if it were me I would be upset, but I would continue contact with him as though nothing had happened. If you cut contact, he is likely to think you only wanted to maintain a relationship in order to benefit from his will, if you become extra nice, he's likely to think you are trying to get back into the will. Just continue as you have been.

I agree with the posters that argue you are not entitled to his will just because you are his child, although it would have been nice for him to suggest he has left a memento or something for you to remember him by?

It depends

Were you in contact with him because you wanted his stuff or a relationship.

because if you let the fact that he is not leaving you anything at all get in the way of talking to him, and your brothers, then it will prove to him that you were just in it for the inheritance.

No matter what you say about the reasons you were developing a relationship that will be what he will take out of it.

this does not mean that what he did is not hurtful, stupid or rather pathetic because it is all that. But you are not in control of his reactions only your own.

He is clearly an idiot to be leaving one son more than another and cutting out two other children. Rise above it. Don't ever talk to him about it again. His money he can do what he wants with it.

I think whilst the younger children are growing up it is only fair that they recieve a larger chunk of the money.

Your poor adopted brother is the one who will be most unfairly treated.

If I were your father I would have made my will so that the majority went ot the younger two b ut If I died after they had reached an older age (say 21) I would then split the money four ways.

sorry this has hurt you so much.

he is also grieving so isnt thinking straight.

Okay, so you are the one who initiated contact with him at all.

He knew you were out there, an adult, but made no effort to contact you.

You did.

You rang him because you hadn't heard from him in weeks.

He can't be bothered to even drop you a line.

Then when you ring him he tells you he left everything to his sons and got a medical cert just so you have less chance of success.

He made it clear he doesn't even want you to have so much as a memento of him.

I'd leave off contacting him, tbh.

He knows where to find you if he wants to talk.

He might be testing you. But tell me, why the fuck would you play mind games like this with your own child? That's manipulative as hell.

You might find you are better off without him in your life.

expat, ordinarily I would agree with you, but the OP asked her father about HIS funeral arrangments, she wanted to know what happens in case HE dies. I think that might have played a part in his decision regards the will. If he indeed has done like he says. He might have been so shocked that he just said he would do this.

However, I think we need the OP back to her thread. She has had lots of good advice here!

Yeah, she did ask. It's a valid question.

But then he told her about the will and added the bit about I had a medical certificate to prove I was sound of mind so you can't contest because I know you will.

WTF?

Basically, 'You're a gold digger so I made sure your hands are tied'.

Um, okay. Thanks for letting me know what you think about my character, biological parent who never made an effort to find me even when he knew I was an adult and doesn't contact me for weeks. And fuck you, too. Bye!

It is a valid question to ask a very old man. Not a grieving widower.

Sorry, but this is a 'grieving widower' who couldn't be bothered to get in contact with his two grown children whom he knew were out there.

I think that's shitty.

In fact, I think the OP is a bigger person than I'd have been for even trying to keep a relationship going with a biological parent who didn't even care enough about his own son and daughter to find them the second they turned 18 (if in fact their mother even took them away from him, I'd be more inclined to believe he couldn't be arsed).

I'd have been like her brother, tbh.

I agree with Quintessential, he has only just lost his wife not even 2 months, give him a break. Grief can make someone do/say horrible things completely out of character.

Regarding the history, op says she felt as though her father was happy they were in contact, we can't judge what happened before they got in contact because we don't know.

I'd like to know what the op was thinking now after reading all this advice