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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want teenage DD to go to 'under 18' disco nights?

31 replies

BigMomma3 · 18/02/2010 19:37

Especially as she lied and told me it was a birthday party .

She is 13 and is constantly asking me if she can go to these under 18 nights at a local nightclub. I have said No, there will be no nightclubs (underage or otherwise) until she's 16, as there will be older boys (yikes!) there and she will want a boyfriend and want to do things too young etc, etc.

She told me tonights party was a birthday party, even buying a birthday card, the lying little moo! I thought it was strange that DD said she needed money for entry and drinks but assumed the parents of the girl were tightasses! I insisted on dropping her at the door to the club and her friend who was there said 'you know it's not my birthday' when DD gave her the card - busted! When I asked what the party was for her friend said it's for under 18's . I called DD as soon as I left and told her she is in big trouble when she gets in later and am considering terrible punishments now.

But AIBU in not letting her go to any others, there is obviously no alcohol, it's just the nightclubby atmosphere I don't like. Lots of boys much older than her. She's too young! I was not even allowed to loiter round town with my mates until I left school let alone go to discos!! She is not sensible and very easily led so cannot be trusted either. DH is still at work and went apeshit when I told him. AIBU??

OP posts:

choufleur · 18/02/2010 19:40

YANBU to be annoyed and upset that she lied but i think a YABU to not let her go cos there will be boys there (they get everywhere don't they those damn males ).

Tortington · 18/02/2010 19:40

i think you are - i think it depends on the amount of trust you have in her and the comapny she keeps.

all our children have diferent maturity levels so its hard to just give a moral right hanswer here.

but on the surface of things - yes YABU.

parakeet · 18/02/2010 19:40

YANBU. 16 sounds a good compromise to me. Your own judgement is key, and as you say yourself, she doesn't sound like she's mature enough yet.

usualsuspect · 18/02/2010 19:42

I let my dds go to underage discos..they were usually very well supervised and her dad always picked her up after ...

larks35 · 18/02/2010 19:43

No, YANBU. These under 18 discos held in nightclubs may not serve alcohol but that does not mean there aren't other substances floating about (as in all nightclubs). There was a shooting in an under-18 night at a nightclub in my city a couple of years ago, I wouldn't let my DS or any future DCs I have go to these nights.

larks35 · 18/02/2010 19:45

A well-supervised disco at a local youth centre or the like would be different for me, but nightclubs are different IMO.

HellBent · 18/02/2010 19:45

I think you should let her go, if she is not very sensible and easily led then you can always say you gave her the chance and she blew it.

When I was that age I used to "go round to K's house and watch a video and play with make-up" but really was going to underage disco's and at 15 was going to adult nightclubs when my parents thought I was tucked up in bed after going to the cinema.

It shouldn't be a weekly thing but this might get her used to telling you exactly where she is, who she is with and what time she will need picked up.

It can't be easy I shudder to think what DD (only 3) will be like when she is older!

Morloth · 18/02/2010 19:46

I went to stacks of underaged discos, they were excellent and yes there were boys there (they are everywhere you know) so would let my DC go to them.

However, I wouldn't have let her go to that one because she lied.

Morloth · 18/02/2010 19:47

I wouldn't have dared to lie to my Mum, the woman was omnipotent.

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2010 19:47

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usualsuspect · 18/02/2010 19:48

I would rather know where they were tbh, then have them lie

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2010 19:52

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sb6699 · 18/02/2010 19:53

My mum always knew if I was lying so wasnt any point - luckily enough she was fairly relaxed about most things.

I wouldnt have a problem in my dd going to an underage disco - these days they are really well organised (they have to be or risk losing their licence). DH is another story altogether

The problem for me here would be that she lied about where she was going which is a big no no in my book.

Do you think she lied as she knew you would say no outright. Could you reach some sort of compromise, maybe let her go but you drop her off and pick her up so she's not wondering around at night or using the night out as a treat if she has worked particularly hard at schoolwork or helped around the house?

As I said, my mum was fairly relaxed so she always knew where I was and what I was doing which I think was far better than some of my friends situations who's parents had absolutely no clue where they were.

5Foot5 · 18/02/2010 19:54

One of these U18 discos used to run early evening in a club near a gym I went to. I saw them queuing to go in once and the security staff were very strict. Every one was searched as they went in to check for knived, bottles and so on. I don't think there was ever any trouble.

Having said that I don't think I would be all that happy about DD going and she is 14. I might let her if I knew she was going with a big group of friends because they are all nice kids and pretty sensible I think.

Mind you - there has to be some consequences for the lying. Maybe tell her she can't go for a month because of the lie but then after the month is up say you will consider it again.

janeite · 18/02/2010 19:56

I am confused (tis easily done): you 'busted' her for lying but still drove away from this disco, leaving her there? I would have brought her straight home.

She would be in trouble for the lying, were she mine and no, I wouldn't let a 13 year old go to a disco in a nightclub.

WidowWadman · 18/02/2010 19:57

I think you're right to be annoyed about the lying - however you should also realise, that she reason your daughter lied is that you already made it very clear that you don't trust her anyway.

There will be older boys (yikes!) there and she will want a boyfriend and want to do things too young etc, etc. at school, too and you don't ban her from going there either.

I'd say give her the benefit of doubt, tell her what to be careful about, if she meets someone she likes tell her about contraception, but also that she shouldn't do anything she genuinly doesn't want to just because a boy or her mates tell her to. And tell her that she can come to you when she has a problem.

I'm speaking as someone whose mother was like you, my daughter is only 1, but in 12 years time, I hope I'll have the kind of relationship with her, which allows her to be open with me, and allows me to discuss my worries with her.

Original poster

BigMomma3 · 18/02/2010 20:06

I should have brought her straight home but did'nt want to cause a scene as her friends already think I'm 'well strict'. I really should'nt have given a toss and embarrassed her, I know.

My feelings are that 13 is no age for nightclubs - birthday parties, school discos etc, I am fine with but the problem is that most of her friends are going to these disco nights so stopping her going makes me feel like she's missing out .

FGS what with going to nightclubs at 13, what are they going to want to do at 15? I don't get why they have to do grown up things so early and wish her friends bloody parents thought like me!!

OP posts:

janeite · 18/02/2010 20:08

Do you know her friends' parents? Could you discuss it with them and see what they think/agree on a happy medium with a couple of them?

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2010 20:09

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BigBadMummy · 18/02/2010 20:13

presumably there are older boys at her school that she is socialising with at lunchtime?

My DD has been to under age discos, in the local civic centre, organised by the police and Lions club and she loved them at 13, she now hates the idea and wouldn't be seen dead in them.

Nothing ever happened when she was 13 and 14 going to them. She went and danced with all her friends from school, male and female and had a great time.

They are very well supervised and I am not sure anything could happen that you might not approve of to be honest.

By 16 I suspect she wont be interested.

If it was in a nightclub I might be thinking the same as you but not they way they are here.

Original poster

BigMomma3 · 18/02/2010 20:16

WidowWadman - I don't know what your mother was like or whether she was like me but DD is able to tell me everything and does including which boy she fancies on a particular week (never, ever talked about boys with my mother), thanks very much. She lied to get what she wanted and to hell with what I thought about it - not because I am unresponsive to her.

We have discussed sex at length but I will not be encouraging her to think about contraception at 13 in case she meets someone she likes unfortunately. Better that she just does not go to these discos IMO!!

OP posts:

PixieOnaLeaf · 18/02/2010 20:19

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mazzystartled · 18/02/2010 20:34

I think yabu, generally, although the lying is a problem, obviously.

If you don't let her go, she will think they are the most exciting thing in the world - and will probably find a way to go by being dishonest.

FWIW I went to them from 13 or so and they were pretty innocuous. Some of them were even in nightclubs (on a Sunday night). Anyone over the age of 16 wouldn't have been seen dead there, ie the boys won't be that much older - don't know if that is reassuring. Or not. I was driven there and back by parents or mate's parents. There was no chance of anything nasty happening.

StarExpat · 18/02/2010 20:41

13 is too young. Yanbu. Not at all.

WidowWadman · 18/02/2010 20:43

Yeah, my mum said that, too...

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