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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to make my ds1 share a bedroom so that I can have another baby?

92 replies

carmenelectra · 15/02/2010 13:31

I have 3 sons and the eldest is almost 11. Currently he shares his bedroom with my middle child, but we have promised him his own room this yr so he can have his own space as there is a big age gap. At the minute the youngest has the room which will be his(its decorated as a nursery).

The problem is i am thinking that maybe i would like 4th child and in which case ds1 would have to stay where he is.

Am i being selfish to want another and is it mean to let ds1 down? I wouldnt ttc for a couple of years maybe, so He could technically have the room for a bit, then move back if i did have another child, but is that a bit mean?

Maybe having another baby is unreasonable full stop. I am 39 and we cannot afford to move to a bigger house or extend. Is it cruel to mAKE ds1 to possibly have to share with two toddlers when he will be a teenager just so i can have another baby?In the 'olden'days though families had to put up with a lot worse didnt they?!Like half a dozen in one room?!

OP posts:

fandango75 · 15/02/2010 13:33

i think you are being selfish sorry

deaddei · 15/02/2010 13:34

Yes I think you are BU.
Teenagers deserve a bit of privacy, and if you haven't got the room, don't have another baby.
You have 3 already!

RealityIsDoingSnogging · 15/02/2010 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thrifty · 15/02/2010 13:37

If you have already promised him then i think YAB a bit U, sorry.

can the younger ones not share the bigger room and give your ds1 the smaller room to himself?

paisleyleaf · 15/02/2010 13:37

I don't know. How old is the middle child he shares with?

thisisyesterday · 15/02/2010 13:39

so is this right

eldest and middle are sharing
baby is in nursery
you are in your room

could you give up your room? is the nursery room big enough to take a double bed?

otherwise is your bedroom big enough to take all 3 smaller children?

i think as you have promised him his own room you need to make good on it. OR talk to him and see how he feels. if he says he doesn't mind sharing then all well and good (don't try and sway him though, ask him openly).
if he does want his own room then go ahead with that

you are the one who wants another child, so you are the one who needs to compromise, either by giving your room up or considering a loft conversion, or knowing you will have to share with the new baby for a considerable amount of time

mjinhiding · 15/02/2010 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kittyonthebeam · 15/02/2010 13:40

I would do what Reality is suggesting. Give your eldest a bit of space. If you made a promise and pull out you re BU.

JemL · 15/02/2010 13:40

Put all the younger ones in together. I shared a room with my 2 sisters and it was fine. If the age gap is that big presumably he is likely to have moved out by the time the little ones are teens?

tassisssss · 15/02/2010 13:41

really interesting that people think kids deserve their own rooms. this is a really recent change I feel, even as students we used to share...

OP I'm in a similar situation with 3 kids and 3 bedrooms (and considering a 4th).

Can you have the younger 3 in together?

thisisyesterday · 15/02/2010 13:43

i don't thin it's a case of feeling that kids "must" have their own rooms, or that they need them or anything

but in this particular case the OP has already promised him he CAN have his own room, and IMO it's a bit wrong to go badck on that just because she wants another baby. there are other ways round it

violethill · 15/02/2010 13:44

I think adolescents often have a difficult enough time if the parents decide to embark on baby-making again anyway. The pre-teen and teenage years are emotionally very demanding (on the teen and parents!). As a teacher I see loads of young people who find it really difficult to adjust, and feel rather displaced, when there's a new baby in the house.

It might just about be bearable if the teen has their own space, and is allowed to continue with their own life at their pace. If they are actually disadvantaged by the new baby coming along, then it probably tips the balance into unbearable. Your ds would equate the arrival of the new baby with not having the privacy and space he has been promised.

Sorry, but I'm being honest. I'm not particularly precious about sharing rooms in general, and mine shared when they were little, but no way would I promise a child of 11 upwards their own room and then renege on that.

daisyj · 15/02/2010 13:46

I think you could be making a decision that will have a huge impact on your family life and leave your eldest son feeling resentful and pushed away, just when he's at a confusing enough time of his life. Thirteen-year-old boys are very sensitive creatures, despite all appearancees to the contrary.

Can you imagine how you would have felt in his position? Yes, some people did and do have to share rooms with three other siblings. Some people also did and do have to share very little food in big families, but that doesn't make it desirable. I think you would risk really alienating your oldest boy, and quite possibly end up seeing very little of him as he escapes elsewhere to get some privacy. He's going to change a lot in the next couple of years, and I really dont' think it's reasonable to expect him to start sharing a room with a toddler again, just when he's needing to do all those private bedroom things that teenage boys do (and which their mothers probably don't want to think about).

So, yes, I do think YABU.

SarahMumtoAlex · 15/02/2010 13:48

Some really good ideas on here for how to let your teenager have space with more kids. But YANBU. Its not selfish to want another child, it is for the parents to decide the size of the family, not the children. There are upsides and dowsides to having lots of bothers and sisters - its not like you are getting a new toy. I'm baffled by the response of some posters.

deaddei · 15/02/2010 13:50

I would have hated to have had to share a room, especially at that age. But then I couldn't share a hotel room with a friend on a weekend away!!! I struggle with dh tbh.

daisyj · 15/02/2010 13:50

x-post with violethill. Yes, it's not the sharing rooms as such that I object to (two to a room is fine, certainly - we're planning another, and mine will have to share - I think it can be fun for them), it's the idea of a teenage boy having to share with two toddlers. I feel quite horrified for him at the thought, actually.

mazzystartled · 15/02/2010 13:53

I'd find a way of putting all the little ones all in together (including the hypothetical yet to be born one) even if that meant taking a very small room for me and OH.

Will the rest of the house be big enough to cope when they are 18, 9, 7 and 5?

ChippingIn · 15/02/2010 13:56

YANBU in wanting another baby - of course you aren't. I would give DS1 the smallest room on his own and have the others share - by the time they are older he will have left home - well, you can live in hope or you may have been able to extend/move etc...

86Pinkle · 15/02/2010 13:57

I don't see the problem with kids sharing, I shared a box room with my sister who was 9 years older than me and my three brothers all shared a room, we had bunkbeds and everything was fine...plus by the time I was a teenager my eldest brother and sister had moved out.

We never had any problems sharing or the age gap.

darcymum · 15/02/2010 13:57

You are the one who wants another baby, so you share your room with it, easy.

violethill · 15/02/2010 13:58

'it is for the parents to decide the size of the family, not the children.'

Yes. But in making such a life changing decision, the parents should take into account everyone in the family.

Maybe my view is coloured because as a secondary teacher I see more teenagers than most people do in the course of a week, and I know from experience that when mum and dad decide to start baby making again, it often results in the teenager feeling pushed out. The emotional aspect is just as important as the physical space issue. I'm not saying it always happens, just a lot.

It's not selfish to want another child per se. It is selfish to go ahead and do it if you are seriously compromising life for your existing children.

Original poster

carmenelectra · 15/02/2010 13:59

Wow what a lot of replies and most not in my favour!!. iam surprised actually cos i do think its a relatively new idea that kids should have their own room. Does it mean that they have a crap life if they have to share?

What about my needs as a mother? Do i regret never having another baby so my son have his own room?

I would love aloft conversion but couldnt afford at the mo, maybe in couple of years we could?

The middle one is two and the little one is still a few mths old.Yes i would have the 3 little ones share, but what would happen when and if i had the 4th? Where would the baby go as there would be no nursery?

OP posts:

Quintessential12belowZero · 15/02/2010 13:59

If money is this tight, it might be sensible to not keep reproducing.

Quintessential12belowZero · 15/02/2010 14:01

If you are set to have a fourth baby, baby has his cot in with YOU, and when he is older, he can move in with his siblings. I am sure you can fit two bunk beds in a room.

Original poster

carmenelectra · 15/02/2010 14:02

Money isnt tight i have a well paid job and so does dp, but not so well that i could afford to move house! The bedrooms are a reasonable size as is the living room and we have a big garden.

OP posts:

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