to make my ds1 share a bedroom so that I can have another baby?

[carmenelectra]

I have 3 sons and the eldest is almost 11. Currently he shares his bedroom with my middle child, but we have promised him his own room this yr so he can have his own space as there is a big age gap. At the minute the youngest has the room which will be his(its decorated as a nursery).

The problem is i am thinking that maybe i would like 4th child and in which case ds1 would have to stay where he is.

Am i being selfish to want another and is it mean to let ds1 down? I wouldnt ttc for a couple of years maybe, so He could technically have the room for a bit, then move back if i did have another child, but is that a bit mean?

Maybe having another baby is unreasonable full stop. I am 39 and we cannot afford to move to a bigger house or extend. Is it cruel to mAKE ds1 to possibly have to share with two toddlers when he will be a teenager just so i can have another baby?In the 'olden'days though families had to put up with a lot worse didnt they?!Like half a dozen in one room?!

i don't think you can ask an 11 yr old and a 2 yr old to share a room.

it is VERY hard to spend time with a 2yr old anyway - even as an adult i can find them wearing and tiring... as an 11yr old my brother was four and i HATED him some of the time... he was too young to reason with and he broke all my possessions.

i am sorry but i think the gap is just far too big... you can do it of course but be prepareed for ENDLESS shouting and screaming and bad feeling.

i'd put the 11yr old into the smallest room on his own and the other 2 or 3 younger kids who would all be within a few years of each other sharing.

in 8 yrs time the eldest will probably leave home anyway so then the next oldest who will be 10/11 can have his own room.

I don't understand the problem. You have 3 bedrooms. One for you and baby, one for ds1, one for 2 toddlers. Put baby in with toddlers at 18 months. When DS1 moves out, put next age child in own room.
Simples. Whats with the angst?

I think you are being unreasonable. I had a room to myself until the birth of my youngest sibling. Having to share a room with my sister totally wrecked my relationship wtih her. It still isn't entirely better, 20 years after I left home.

Sorry if I'm guessing wrong, but have you got a slightly rose-tinted image of a new baby in his own nursery, recreating the early baby years of your others? I.e. is the 'nursery' bit an integral part of your dream of another child? If so then I think tbh the 'nursery' bit could be the luxury you can't afford if you want to do the best for your eldest. Better to give up a little of your room for the baby for longer and give your eldest the treat that is the room to himself. That way you still get the new baby but your eldest has a bit of space and privacy that could help him to deal with puberty and on top of that another new sibling - which will probably make for happier family life.

YABVU if you think that having 'a nice little nursery' is anywhere near as important as a nearly-teenager having his own space which you promised him.

You do know what teenage boys like to do in the privacy of their own rooms, don't you? You really are better off separating the pre-pubescent from the pubescent.

And since the desire for the fourth child is yours, you should probably be the one to make the compromises - baby in your room until s/he is old enough to go in a bed and into the room with the little ones; older DS gets to have his own room as promised.

Yabu. I had to share a room with my sister who was 7 years my juniour. It ruined my teenage years and we hated the sight of each other untill about 5 years ago and I'm almost 30.

You want the baby then you share with the baby

A teen needs his own room, he'll have some peace to study when he reaches high school as well as private time that all teens need.

If you cant afford to move, i'd save for a loft conversion before adding another child to the mix.

I hated sharing and still resent it now, its impossible to seriously study with a younger sibling always around and working around bedtimes etc.

Give the teenager the little room.baby in with you and the other 2 together.in the meantime get a really good carpenter to build in storage and beds in the biggest room I have done this before and we did a brilliant 'foot to foot' bed thing and it was a great success.

I agree with people here , ie you cant make a near teen share with toddlers, if you are that desperate for another baby. Have baby with you, then he can share with the toddlers. teen can have the smallest room to himself

simple!

this Bottom right corner is what we did.it is far superior to bunk beds leaves a real spacious feeling and can also be built around the corner to make 3 and leaves lots of floor space.Drawers in the base are great and free up the room too.

And at some point your eldest will want a social life, and will be coming home afte the littler ones have gone to bed. He needs to be allowed to do this, but it will be disruptive to the little ones.

Although I think its ok to have children sharing, I do think that its a bit unfair to ask a teenager to share a room (on an ongoing basis) with a toddler or baby.

If you said you had a 11 year old DS and a 9 year old DS I would say totally reasonable for them to share until they leave home.

If you want a baby the best thing would be to give the oldest his own room (even if its tiny) and have the baby in with you until it can share with the toddlers.

Why do you need another baby? Why not enjoy the three you have without the need to agonise over the upset you will undoubtedly cause if you have a fourth?

It isn't that children are so precious that they must have their own bedrooms at all cost but certainly, your eldest son will be mightily pissed off if he loses his own room after having a couple of years getting used to having his own space. Especially if this loss comes at precisely the age he will value that private space most.

Yeah, I was sympathetic about the wanting another baby part, but when you said you didn't want to give up the dear little nursery, my mind changed.

Your son does need his own space if at all possible. The big age gap makes that even more important; he won't be able to read or listen to music in his room in the evening if there's a 3-4 year old with an earlier bedtime sleeping in there, and teenagers need privacy.

But this does seem pretty simple. Baby in with you, toddlers in the second biggest room, eldest in the now-nursery.

I am in an tiny house. I would like a fourth child, but until I move to a larger house, it is just impractical for me to have any more children. I have an 11yo DD in a room that is too small to share, I have a 6yo and a 7yo DS1&2 sharing the largest bedroom (which is only 11ft x 9ft), and I have a 10ft x 9ft room, which with a double bed and a chest of drawers in has no room for a cot. I wouldn't make the ds's share with a baby or a toddler, and DS1 is almost 8 and really wants a room to himself now. The only one that would want to share is DS2. So when we move to a 4 bed or a 3+dining room that can be made into a 4th bedroom, then and only then will I TTC. Not before as it isn't fair on the DC's I have already. Because even if I fell pg this week, there would be a 7 year gap between that baby and DS2. An 8.7yr gap between baby and DS1. An 12.8yr gap between baby and DD. Not gonna happen in this house. Put your current dc's first, don't go back on a promise, your DS will need the space, if not now, then very soon.

Fgs, a baby doesn't NEED a nursery, none of mine have had one. When I had DD, I was in a bedsit. When I had DS1 I was in a 2 bed flat and DD had one of the rooms. When I had DS2 I was in a 3 bed, so when he left my room he went in with DS1. I wouldn't contemplate having any more in this house.

You don't NEED a 'nursery'.
Apart from looking sweet what benefit does it actually have? None IMO - further for me to walk to see to the baby in the middle of the night.

I live in a 2 double bedroomed house - very small.
We currently have 3 boys sharing ages 4, 3 and 1. Baby due in April will stay in our room for forseeable future. We hope to move in next couple of years - sell house we own half of and rent bigger.

I realise the ages we are talking are different but I mean about the baby - it will stay in our room - can't cram any more into the kids room.

Keep the baby in your room, give the eldest child the small room, middle 2 share - he WILL need space the older he gets, as others have said for revision/study etc.

I see the OP disappeared ages ago - clearly horrified to discover that according to the MN jury she WAS being unreasonable

I love the way people post in this topic and are then outraged or shocked when their opinion isn't validated.

OMG, I cannot believe some of the replies here! Why are people questionning why you want another baby! It is your decision, not anyones elses from a website.

Ok, so you may have promised him, but like some others said, I would keep the baby with you for a while, then put the 3 youngest into the largest room. Then your teen still gets his room. Whats the big deal on here, children have to put up with sharing etc.

We live in a very small 2 bedroom house that means my DS will have to share his quite small room at some point, as I do want another and I am not going to be put off having children by a small bedroom.

Do what you want to do and don't take any bloody notice of what people on a website are telling you to do!

What does your DH think as this obviously concerns him too?

OP - do you want another baby with the cute nursery to put it in?

Or do you actually want to bring another person into your family, with all the downsides (and upsides, because obviously these things aren't black and white) that it entails? Will having another child benefit the whole family dynamic permanently? Or is it simply satisfying a personal urge you have at the moment?

Serious question.

Obviously you should redecorate the nursery and put the eldest child in it for his teenage years. Keep the baby/toddler in the bedroom with the adults.

Take pictures of the nursery, file it away under "nice memories" and get a new cot that matches the furniture in your room as compensation.

I know you said you can't afford to move but if you did move you would lose the nursery anyway!

OP if you'restill here

DS4 is in with us, in a cot beside our bed. It's not ideal but ds1 has to have a roomalone for sn reasons and ds3 also has SN so can't have a toddler in a room he shares with ds2; I can't see this changing any time soon.

It's all perfectly doable,and far better than missing out on ds4 would have been. Put a curtain over a corner of the room toscreen a bed area of if needed.

Selfish! Don't make your eldest suffer for your desires. When I was a child, our house was tiny. Had two very small bedrooms. My mum and stepfather had a second child when I was 9. They figured it was wrong to make me share with my baby brother because I was getting older (opposite gender issues re. sharing) and also wanted to ensure my personal space. They split their (already small) bedroom in two: one mini room for them, one for my brother. My room ended up being the largest. We did move to a large house eventually, but they respected me and my privacy. You should do this for your DS1.

Hello,

Whoever said i had disappeared after causing a bit of a stir is wrong! I hadnt. Last night i was too busy to check on here and today ds has been using the computer and i have also been shopping!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I agree with those hat said put 3 littles 'uns in one room. If i do have another then that is what i will do. I think my main concern is that what if i have a daughter, but after reading a similar thread on here about children sharing then i realise that will be ok till they are maybe 8 or 9. by then maybe ds will be at uni(not that i want him to leave home).Or maybe we will extend/have a conversion. We just havent got a spare 20 grand at the mo.

Those who have supported to have another baby, thanks. I am not certain whether i will, but its my decision(and dp's)and I dont want to look back and regret not doing it.

I am not selfish. I love the others, its not like i have 10 kids or something! I only have 3. We do loads as a family and we can financially support them. Also, of course i would like a daughter and may regret not trying as it were. I know there are no guarantees before someone tells me that I'm wrong for doing that.

I am gonna let ds1 have his own room, he does need it for homework, having friends round etc. Having said that, I am sure there are many families where a teenager has to share. What would happen if i accidently got pregnant with twins or triplets(heaven forbid)but ds1 would have to adapt wouldnt he?Anyway, that i what i am going to do.

As for the nursery well i agree, its not necessary. I do like to be organised though and it has been nice with the others having a cot, changing table and baby stuff altogther. And anyway, what is wrong with having a romantic idea of having a lovely decorated nursery for a baby. Im sure many of you who have slated me do. Or is it that cos ive had a few kids i have to 'make do'.

If I were younger i wouldnt be in such as rush to have another, I would maybe wait and see if we could afford a bigger house, but at 39 I can't wait too long.