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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect maternity ward to respect my wishes?

120 replies

victoriascrumptious · 14/02/2010 13:08

I'm a bit fucked off at the moment. I was admitted into the antinatal ward the other day for some checks. I brought my handheld notes with me (as you do).
Basically the notes contain a birthplan template which you are supposed to fill in. Mine contains basic instructions for yes I want to b/f, yes I want vitamin K, yes I am open minded about drugs-would like to see how it goes. Nothing unsual about that

The one point of contention is that there is a question as to whether you want student midwives in the room-so I said yes but only if they are female. I don't want a male midwife present at the birth, I don't want a male midwife or consultant doing internal checks.

It would appear that there is a male midwife on the ward who I am sure does an excellent job. However it seems some of the female midwifes were grousing about what I had written as I heard them bitching as I walked past.

I don't really give a fuck if men want to be midwives however out of personal choice I don't want one present at my childs birth. Men stress me out on a very primal level for reasons I wont bore you with. If I was to have a cx they can invite the whole of the local rugby team into my room if they wish-but I dont want a man there when I am trying to dilate FFS!

When I was on the ward they made a pmy blood pressure/chat to me etc(this was after I had heard them bitching)so they are clearly trying to make some sort of political point as there were about 4 other female mw's in the staff room drinking tea. I didnt care about being seen by him then as I wasnt in active labout but I am really really annoyed that if this has happened once they are going to ignore my requests when I am actually in labour.

This has upset me so much I am now thinking of VBACing at home as I really dont want a fight on my hands/bad feeling in the room when I am trying to give birth.

AIBN? Am I being nuts?

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2010 00:52

"I don't want a male.... consultant doing internal checks"

So what if the only consultant working is male & a choice needs to be made as to whether you need a surgical intervention?

Will you wait until a female comes on duty? Putting you & your baby at risk?

mumof2children · 15/02/2010 01:01

i think in the case of an emergency situation it has everything to do with it.

so it ok for a man to get involved if the baby is in danger...yet they can't train to do this if every women refused a man in the delivery room for training or any other reason...how would this man who could save the baby life have got the training.

foreverastudent · 15/02/2010 01:05

this was my old GP, so forgive me if I agree with OP that she shouldn't have to have a man touching her without her consent.

bundle · 15/02/2010 01:07

"She is upset because her birth plan stated she doesnt want male staff present at her birth and the mws were being unpleasant about her choices."

you know what, i think it is unpleasant to suggest someone can't do their job as well as the next trained person simply because of their gender.

bundle · 15/02/2010 01:10

foreverastudent, obviously that's a terrible breach of trust but you cannot tar the whole medical profession - sorry, men who are medical professionals - with the same brush.

you can visit a GP and ask for a chaperone and the OP will most likely have a partner/birthing partner with her as well as the midwife.

Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 01:15

this is so personal..not political..she has made her choice I cant understand why a woman should be forced to accept a man in her delivery room...what would be the reason apart from making it acceptable for the man?..making 'him' feel ok..what about her feelings?..

bundle · 15/02/2010 01:20

surely this is about safety/staffing? her choice may simply not be workable.

maybe men should be banned from being midwives in case they hurt anyone's feelings by selfishly wanting to do a job they love

Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 01:24

OP stated she is not specifically saying his gender makes him less professional..or less capable..it makes her uncomfortable...

i was in hospital recently and my gyne was male..I was uncomfortable..I really belive he was too..the nurse who was my chaparone held my hand and I really appreciated her support..I let it happen because that was what was required but I was not comfortable..imagine if I had a real 'issue' with a man doing an internal..how would I have felt?..not everyone is the same...and I respect that..

Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 01:30

I really think it goes beyond what 'a man doing a job he loves'..

bundle · 15/02/2010 01:33

i had a female obst

but i have also had a male gastroenterologist carry out a colonoscopy, it was uncomfortable and a bit embarrassing but you know what I got over it and he probably does a dozen a day

Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 01:37

I had the same bundle and i feel none the worse for it..I know he was just doing his job...but I'm 'me'...and I have got over it...not every woman feels the same..and I feel for her and how it makes her feel

bundle · 15/02/2010 01:41

but what if they're all like her, and the male midwife is left standing in the corner? I'm sorry, it's no way to run a labour ward

ScreaminEagle · 15/02/2010 01:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bundle · 15/02/2010 01:45

yup read the OP

maybe she needs to talk to someone about these issues she has

Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 01:49

bundle but just the fact fact both me and you both accepted male carers shows women find this acceptable to some degree...but why force a woman who is not comfortable?..for what reason other than to make the male more 'comfortable'..I think women should be comfortable when giving birth..and if they dont want a man present they should not be forced to have one...

ScreaminEagle · 15/02/2010 01:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

differentnameforthis · 15/02/2010 03:29

When dd was in severe distress while I laboured, I had an internal.

I didn't give a crap that the person on the end of that hand was male, because getting my baby out safely & getting me through it safely was my top priority.

DuelingFanjo · 15/02/2010 07:55

how you feel when in severe distress and in an emergency may be completely different to how you feel when you are expressly given the choice of male or not male, as the OP was.

If it's a ridiculous thing to be asked then why ask it?

people aren't reading the OP or her subsequent posts about the resons for her not feeling comfortable woth a. a male midwife and b. the response of the female midwives.

Babieseverywhere · 15/02/2010 09:09

If you are worried about the maternity midwifes not respecting your wishes, could you ring and arrange to see the 'supervisor of midwifes' at the hospital and explain the situation to her ?

posieparker · 15/02/2010 09:14

There are obviously reasons for your feelings and I think you need to disclose them to the person most senior that can see your wishes are respected. Asking for no males can come across as pretty sexist and rather 'backward' and so would cause offence.

If you have a GP that is aware of your feelings perhaps they could write a letter to put in your notes.

fernie3 · 15/02/2010 09:15

YANBU to ask for men not to be present. I have written in each of my birth plans that I am happy to have one student but want as few people as possible in the room during labour. I have never had a make midwife during labour and since each time I have actually been in late labour or pushing by the time I saw a midwife I am not sure I would have cared BUT after my third baby was born a male midwife turned up the day after we were released from hospital and even thoughI knew I shouldnt I found it awkward.
I didnt want to discuss bleeding and soreness and I didnt want him to watch me breastfeed. I didnt care about the blood pressure and urine checks but the rest was uncomfortable. He was a 50 odd year old man who turned up on a bike, it just put me on edge.

londonone · 15/02/2010 09:27

YABU. It is a medical thing, not a sexual thing which is the only basis I could see you objecting on. IMO religious and cultural prefernces should have no place in directing how you would like to be treated by the NHS. If you want to pick and choose, go private and pay for it.

FourArms · 15/02/2010 09:30

When in labour with DS1 my first sweep was carried out by the consultant at an appt to discuss my PE. It was horrible and I was in tears for hours afterwards. I hadn't considered how it would feel, and came away feeling really violated and horrible. Nothing to do with the doc in question, he did it all properly, and there was a female student doctor and my DH in the room as well. It just felt upsetting.

When DS1 was in distress, these thoughts didn't even enter my mind. It was fine for anyone to do whatever. I have no previous issues to contend with though.

With DS2 there was a horrible male MW. He was the senior MW that day. He was horrible because of his v.poor bedside manner, and the way he spoke to the other MWs as though I wasn't there. DH didn't like him either. If he had been the MW in the room with me, I like to think I would have requested not to have him. But this was because of what he was like, not his gender. I had a million (only a minor exaggeration) diff docs having a go during my looooong labour, but they were nice to me which made a difference.

I think the OP does have the right to request no males whilst in labour.

GothDetective · 15/02/2010 09:45

I read about a case a few years ago where a male midwife was successful in his claim against his NHS trust as he'd been told he couldn't look after a particular lady as the lady had said she didn't want to be cared for by a male m/w.

I do see what you're saying about needing to feel comfortable with your caregiver but I'm sure there are some people in this world who would say they would not feel comfortable with a black midwife.

We have a male midwife where I work and I have cared for women who when the end of my shift was coming up were woriied and asked if the male m/w was on the next shift and if so they didn't want to be looked after by him. Not often, most women think he's fab once they've met him even the ones who looked a bit stunned when he came in the room! I've always had a quiet word with the co-ordiantor so that hopefully he could be allocated someone else. They've always accomodated the womens' wishes so I'd have thought they would for you as well.

However if you need to be seen by a Dr you won't have any choice in who you see. It will be whichever SHO/registrar/consultant is on call at that point.

posieparker · 15/02/2010 10:03

Has the OP explained her reasons?

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