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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think getting a private tutor for a four year old is insane?

189 replies

mslucy · 13/02/2010 20:53

I am rarely shocked but heard today that an old friend of mine is thinking of getting a private tutor for her son, who is one day older than DS.

She is a very successful lawyer and only sees her kids at the weekend.

She is already forking out £££s on private school fees, so why the feck she needs a tutor is beyond me.

Shocked and saddened. Want to kidnap her poor ds and take him home to our slightly haphazard household so he can hang out in the park with his mates, watch TV, play video games, read stories, chat to his parents, go to school cake sales and all the other things normal four year olds do.

Has anyone else heard of anything like this?

OP posts:
HennyRettaBadaBada · 14/02/2010 21:43

Where has the OP gone, btw?

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 21:43

as parents i think we should ensure homework is done yes even at 4 and collaboratively work with school

i am responding to this point
"But surely 4 is too young to worry about educational attainment?Perhaps I'm naive but I'm rather unhappy about dd1(5) getting homework at all"

if you attend school you get brief graded homework,to ensure retention and depth of learning.

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 21:45

op hopped it yonks ago,when no one agreed with her

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 21:46

The head of the 7+ process at DS's school said that the most successful candidates are those who don't do any extra academic work (one could argue that they are probably the most naturally able though). In fact, the most coveted preps suss out the tutored kids in the interviews, and it is definitely not looked favourably on.

MollieO · 14/02/2010 21:47

I should add that the school SENCO asked me if I wanted to do the extra with ds at home rather than her do it. I said I was happy to pay for her to do it as firstly he will listen to her and think it is a big treat to have some one to one time with her (he absolutely adores her) and secondly because frankly I am not a teacher and I would struggle to ensure he did what he needed to do.

I am only using ds as an example as the OP may think she knows her friend but cannot possibly know the reason for the tutor unless her friend chooses to tell her.

neolara · 14/02/2010 21:47

Mollie - reading problems are mostly to do with difficulty with phonics (i.e hearing the sounds). They are generally not to do with visual problems. What tests did he have in school?

LittleRedDragon - Do you know about the research by Jonathan Solity?

HennyRettaBadaBada · 14/02/2010 21:51

MollieO, you could be talking about DS and piano! I am happy to pay someone else to teach him even though I could do it myself - mainly because he will listen to the teacher, whereas he would argue with me.

Is piano a form of tutoring, absent OP?

MillyR · 14/02/2010 21:52

SofaQueen, I think that is a whole thread in itself. DS passed 11 plus without tutoring, but then going on a walk as a family and pointing out different trees and their names potentially answers an 11 plus odd one question - cedar, oak, rowan, sycamore, spruce. Multiply that experience by a thousand and you have an educated child all done outside of school.

But if you're out at work all day, and your childcare provider doesn't know about trees, or know much in general, you need a tutor.

It isn't really about natural intelligence.

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 21:53

Ah yes Henny, but who has to oversee his practice (coming from the viewpoint of a mother who has to nag her son to practice!).

blueshoes · 14/02/2010 21:54

Sofaqueen, you are reading too much into the tutoring process. It does not have to be an intense cram school.

There is a lot of joy to a child to be able to unlock the secrets of reading and mathematics by gentle reinforcement at home. Children, even at 4, do notice they are falling behind their peers. I don't think schools, private or otherwise, always do a good job teaching children in a systematic fashion or in a way best suited to their learning style. Nothing wrong with extra help using a tutor if the parent has no time to do it herself.

In fact, I would say that my dd is far more open to instruction by a person, any person, that is not her mother or father. A tutor would be great.

LadyBlaBlah · 14/02/2010 21:55

The liberal attitude so frequently shouted on MN that "they are only 4", and "they should learn through play", had me convinced for a while.........but I have now come to the conclusion that this opinion is bollocks.

Children are very capable and very flexible and I don't see why you can't be a bit both pushy and 'disorganised lefty'.

I have my kids pushed, because I think it is important for confidence and also their futures (children get labelled soooo very young these days, and as their reports and constant assessments follow them through school, it is important IMHO to do the v. best) but I also seem to be perfectly capable of allowing them to be 'kids' and like, have friends round, stay in their PJs, play the Wii, eat pizza and be 'disorganised'.

Op just a bit black and white for me. Parents who have achieved ( I mean professional people generally well above the poverty line), ime, know it doesn't just happen, and in fact academic work must be constant, but that doesn't mean at the expense of all fun and frolics.

MollieO · 14/02/2010 22:04

neolara they used the Aston Index. He is also going to be assessed by an EP via the GP. He spells out every word even if he has seen it a dozen times in his book.

blueshoes · 14/02/2010 22:07

ladyblah, I agree it does not just happen. I expect my dcs to do their homework everyday, to a high standard. Still lots of time for play too.

For academics, it might be hard going initially, but once the children achieve a certain level of skill, it gets more fun and challenging. They just have to breakthrough to that stage.

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 22:08

blueshoes, I probably am too negative about tutoring, but the tutors around here are definitely about cramming and trying to push children up the tiers within their class. I see your point though that if a parent just does not have the time to give the one-on-one attention, it would be reasonable to hire a tutor.

JustMoon · 14/02/2010 22:08

Agree ladyblahblah. I hate this notion that education is a punishment. I would also disagree with the poster who says all primary children finish at the same level, this is blatently not true. My DS is in yr 1 and they are already streamed for maths and literacy, my ds luckily appears to be good at both but if he wasn't I could see myself considering getting him some help.

smallorange · 14/02/2010 22:12

Yes I know what the homework is for and DD's doesn't really tax her, it seems to give her confidence in her abilities, away from the classroom.

I would be unhappy if she was given it every night though, as some reception children are.

I do feel relieved that I'm not in the competitive schooling/ tuition loop though, it must feel like this great race and the children who win get the prize... What is the prize btw?

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 22:14

LadyBlahBlah, I agree that to succeed academically one has to put in loads of work, but not in the beginning stages. My concern about tutoring and pushing at 4 is that, in some children, the wiring to "get" reading or maths is still not fully formed. Gentle support and a watchful eye are better until later in primary school (late year 1 - year 2) to start tutoring.

smallorange · 14/02/2010 22:17

I though Ladyblahblah was joking...

MillyR · 14/02/2010 22:21

I thought LBB's post was very sensible. I have never understood why people think young children will learn simply through playing.

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 22:25

Milly, perhaps this might be an interesting read for you.

smallorange · 14/02/2010 22:26

No MillyR.

But teachers do understand.

kitkatsforbreakfast · 14/02/2010 22:26

I haven't read all the posts, but I tutor young children in maths and literacy. At the moment I have a 6 year old who I tutor twice a week in maths. She is in Year 1 and is not confident with her maths, but not far enough behind to warrant special in-school help.

As a primary teacher and a Montessori teacher I give her some one to one time, a different perspective on what she is doing at school, and loads of confidence.

I don't see the arrangement as being one that will continue long term, but the child loves her sessions with me.

I think her mother would be horrified if she felt that people thought she was hot-housing her child and judging her choices. All she is doing is trying to ensure her child is happy and thriving. For this girl, a bit of time with me is helping enormously, and we have a lot of fun too.

MillyR · 14/02/2010 22:30

Smallorange, if children learned solely through play there would be no need for teachers. Not all teachers do agree with the play based approach.

Kewcumber · 14/02/2010 22:35

Milly - people think it because its true. At least at a young age - we're talking about a 4 year old here not a 10 year old.

I am very academic have a reasonable degree and a professional qualification, managed it without one hour of tuition, very very little input from parents (re homework), average state primary. Could have done with more individual tuition after 13 but money and state education meant that wasn't possible.

I'm horrified at the idea you beleive that childrn3e as young as four don;t learn through playing

Did you never watch your 4 year old playing with trains, owkring out how to build tracks properly, which way round the magnets stick, how drawing monsters gives them good fine motor skills, etc all provide the groundwork necessary for more formal learning.

Kewcumber · 14/02/2010 22:38

I've never met a teacher under 50 that doesnt agree that learning through play is appropriate at 4.

I'm sure there must be some but I'm glad there aren;t any at the ofsted grade 1 state primary DS will be attending.