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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think getting a private tutor for a four year old is insane?

189 replies

mslucy · 13/02/2010 20:53

I am rarely shocked but heard today that an old friend of mine is thinking of getting a private tutor for her son, who is one day older than DS.

She is a very successful lawyer and only sees her kids at the weekend.

She is already forking out £££s on private school fees, so why the feck she needs a tutor is beyond me.

Shocked and saddened. Want to kidnap her poor ds and take him home to our slightly haphazard household so he can hang out in the park with his mates, watch TV, play video games, read stories, chat to his parents, go to school cake sales and all the other things normal four year olds do.

Has anyone else heard of anything like this?

OP posts:
HennyRettaBadaBada · 14/02/2010 18:10

Reallytired, that is a good point re. private schools and SEN. Some do provide help, but by no means all of them.

I still think you should tackle your friend, OP.

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 19:08

tackle her about her individual choices?about fact she works?about prep school?"tackle" sounds very confrontational

maybe op need to start with some self reflection and ask herself "why am i so irked by this"

what is it that someone else does that pushes lucys buttons so

that is a far more interesting question than
why do you work hard to provide for your son

smallorange · 14/02/2010 19:13

He is four.

Kewcumber · 14/02/2010 19:45

Amaidawish - I was only basing it on my experience of a friend who tutored younger (ie under 11) children and I never came across a child where the parents weren't doing it for an advantage and were quite frankly, in the view of my friend, wasting their money (she generally told the parents this, all insisted on continuing). I'm pretty familiar with what she did becuase she was was renting a room form me at the time and some of the children came to my house so I'm not basing it partly on what I observed myself not just what she told me.

I am not talking of any children with special needs or children who are struggling in other ways. I'm talking about perfectly ordinary children who are not struggling. Personally in that position I'd use the money for a sport or music or dancing (or going to the cinema myself ).

But it seems I'm in the minority.

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 20:04

I think that many people are being harsh on the OP. My experience of parents hiring tutors of children who are 4 echos the experience of Kewcumber - to try give their kids and edge in a competitive environment. For example, I know several parents who purchased several stages of the ORT to have them jump levels. According to the teachers at DSs school (who know that this is going on), it doesn't help much.

If the child has SN and is at a private school, there should be extra support for them (at least at DSs school)

chegirlshadabloodynuff · 14/02/2010 20:07

Think the OP made a big mistake with the 'only sees child at weekend' type comments.

I have been fulltime, part time working and SAHM over the last 18 years. All have their disadvantages and advantages. Non are tanatmount to child neglect.

But I dont think tutors for 4 year olds are a good idea. I work with preschool age children. I think formal education starts waaaaaay to young in this country.

I have DCs who have loved learning to read early and thrive in reception and a child who is still 'working towards' level one even though he is nearly 7. I dont think any of them would have benefited from having extra tution. The bright ones wouldnt have got any brighter or become doctors, rocket scientists any early and the one with SEN would just become stressed and overwhelmed.

But its the parent's choice. I personally think its misguided but I dont think its particularly harmful or wrong.

JustMoon · 14/02/2010 20:10

Kewcumber you may be right (although I know my sons friend is tutored because he does not keep up with the level of his class which is an average primary) but I think what has irked most people is the barely hidden judgement of this woman and her family life so much so that he needs rescuing so he can hang out with his mates at the park and play video games. There is a judgement that lucys way of life is correct and her friends is not, that in some way this childs life is hollow and empty. For all we know that child is incredibly happy and maybe he relishes education and finds it fun. Maybe he is a child genius and needs extra educational stimulus so he doesn't get bored? We don't know so we can't judge the friend as to her reasons for giving her child a tutor and I think the Op is doing her a disservice by posting this.

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 20:10

But I do think tutoring such a young child is wrong if it causes worry and stress in the child, resulting in the child turning off from learning (my brothers are perfect examples of this!).

piscesmoon · 14/02/2010 20:23

It is insane! She just needs to spend time with her DC- reading stories together, playing games and just talking.

Bonsoir · 14/02/2010 20:23

On the other hand, children as young as 4 can love having a tutor and the individual attention, especially if they are in a very large class at school.

neolara · 14/02/2010 20:26

I know of a family who sent their children to a highly selective private school in London. In order for the children to move on to the junior school at age 7, at the end of Year 2 the kids had to be functioning at 2 years above their chronological age across all areas of the curriculum. As a result, this family had a tutor for their children from the ages of 4 onwards. One of the kids, who is exceptionally bright (assessed by an ed psych), failed to make the grade and was chucked out. Branded a failure at 7. Pretty bloody crap as far as I can see. And it's continuing to have a big knock on effect on the child now.

Having a tutor was not the crap bit, but being part of the system where a tutor was deemed necessary by the parents, was.

piscesmoon · 14/02/2010 20:39

I agree, neolara, get out of the system. Give the child a childhood.

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 20:48

what does that mean get out the system?

actually to a large extent we all need the system.by that i mean we have education to hopefully enhance social and financial outcomes

the system pays us a wage. we indulge in consumer durables eg internet we are all using right now costs money

we dont live in an arable commune,hard to get out of the system in a 1st world mixed economy

Bonsoir · 14/02/2010 20:57

I agree with what scottishmummy writes about "the system" - we all live in a system, and the sooner we learn about it, the better we are able to navigate it to our own advantage. Ignorance is not bliss.

cat64 · 14/02/2010 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 21:06

total conjecture that the child isnt making progress.maybe it is just parental preference,rather than child has deficiencies

we dont even know what kind or frequency of tutoring it is

RedbinDippers · 14/02/2010 21:06

Paying for private education and an additional tutor at 4? What happened to childhood?

neolara · 14/02/2010 21:06

I imagine, but I may be wrong, that piscesmoon is referring to the particular system of schooling where children are deemed failures if they are not functioning at 2 years above their chronological age at age 7. I suspect that she is not advocating leading a Tom and Barbara good life away from all material comforts.

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 21:09

i think the maligned legal mum sounds ok.laudable she supports family and aims high.

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 21:12

Huh? Why do you say she is laudable scottishmummy? Do you know her? You are making similar judgements as the OP about this woman. We don't know her or her story? She could just as well be the laudable supportive mother of your imagination as the pushy, distnat one the OP is insinuating!

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 21:15

well im disinclined to the envious peurile op.so naturally i think working and supporting your family is indeed laudable

all the maligned mum is doing is earning a salary and using that to secure advantages for her child

RomillyJane · 14/02/2010 21:17

oh please, no video games ? My (just) 5 year old plays on the Wii with his brothers (7 and 11) and there is no harm in it... its not all day, just a short time, and like it or not , its part of life...

I work FT too and agree with that sanctimonious holier than thou SAHM mother crap is designed to make those of us earning a living - perhaps because we HAVE to - feel guilty!

Bonsoir · 14/02/2010 21:17

Money alone is not the sole procurer of advantages for a child, however. It is far from as simple an equation as working mother = able to buy more advantages for child.

SofaQueen · 14/02/2010 21:19

Actually, I think that the mother working has nothing do with the fact that this child's parents are getting a tutor for him at the age of 4. I know plenty of mothers who work FT, send their kids to private school, and would never think of hiring a tutor for their 4 year old children because they want what is best for them at this age, which is freedom and play

scottishmummy · 14/02/2010 21:20

agree SQ casting aspersions because mum works is wrong