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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no and leave a "friend" with no money for food

83 replies

fernie3 · 13/02/2010 16:29

I say "friend" because she is the mother of one of my daughters friends, I speak to her in the school and I see her when the children play together but I am not about to spend time with her outside of this.

I have only known her since September and I know she struggles alot with her children. I look after all three of them (all under 5) overnight every few weeks so that she can go out. I have no idea of her income or anything apart from that she is single and on benefits - so I assume she is fairly short of money. She does however spend what money she does have on ridiculous things like recently a brand new double pushchair, even though I have just GIVEN her a jane powertwin which was less than a year old. It is now sitting in the hallway of her flat next to the brand new one which seems odd to me.

I dont agree with her lifestyle choices, I dont like the way she lives and have major problems with how she looks after the children (which is why I dont send my children over there) it but I dont say anything because its her business and I really believe that people who need help should be given help which I why I have tried to help her. I offered to look after the youngest baby free so she could apply for a job to help with money but she didnt even want to try.

Now she has just text me asking to borrow money for food. I know she has probably spent it on something ridiculous but I cant bear the thought of her children going hungry again, especially as the younger one is already ill and very very small and has major delays which have been put down to this - he said he wont eat I KNOW he will. I can find the money but it is not a small amount to us and the chances of her paying it back I would be fairly small. I also feel at this point that I have done enough and its her problem.

I really dont know what to do! I want to say no but I dont want to leave her children with nothing.

OP posts:

roulade · 13/02/2010 16:33

How about doing a very small food shop for her instead of giving her cash? Or if you really can't spare it you will just have to say no as it could be the start of a long slippery slope for you.

WeddingDaze · 13/02/2010 16:34

If you do she will always be expecting you to, don't. If she really has no food there are projects around that will make sure they don't go hungry.

Really i wouldn't you are just enabling her.

TulipsInTheRain · 13/02/2010 16:34

Bring round a meal for the kids?

i don't know, sorry.... i'm equally useless in these situations i'm afraid.

WeddingDaze · 13/02/2010 16:35

Oh and you didn't leave her with no money for food, she did that all by herself!

GypsyMoth · 13/02/2010 16:35

can you send some food for her to cook instead?

mumeeee · 13/02/2010 16:35

Would it be possiblr for you to buy her some food or cook a meal for her children but not actually give her any money, I wouldN't give her money you don't know what she'll spend it on.

nickelbabe · 13/02/2010 16:35

i would give her food, not money.

it does sound like she has real problems handling money and i would worry that any money given will be used unwissely.

if you can afford to, go to the shops and buy her some food provisions (ready meals if necessary) and take them to her.

SilverSixpence · 13/02/2010 16:36

that sounds horrible - and she sounds very selfish! can you maybe buy £10 worth of basics if thats what she needs for the kids? I dont think its a good idea to start lending money to her as she doesn't seem to be facing up to her responsibilities, but if there are very young children involved then maybe something needs to be done.

Hope people come up with good suggestions for you.

dittany · 13/02/2010 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SilverSixpence · 13/02/2010 16:37

I see I'm not the first to come up with that suggestion

twoisplenty · 13/02/2010 16:37

The bottom line is that she is responsible for herself - you are not responsible for her. So I wouldn't give anything, she will then know how easy you are to (can I use the word) manipulate?

bibbitybobbityhat · 13/02/2010 16:38

Oh no how awful .

Say you will lend her £30 against her new double pram. That might just make her think.

Sorry, but if she is that desperate she should be turning to old friends or family, not leaning on an acquaintance who already does an awful lot to help.

Are you really worried that the children aren't being fed?

scottishmummy · 13/02/2010 16:38

i wouldnt give her money.id give her food and milk

if her request is genuine then food should be gratefully accepted

if she as chaotic as you say it is her inept behaviour that got her in this situation.need to be a responsible parent

Earlybird · 13/02/2010 16:39

Tell her to ebay the jane powertwin for cash? Doesn't help with immediate problem though.....

Where is her dp/dh? What about other family?

PotPourri · 13/02/2010 16:39

I would maek a big lasagne for my family adn make another one at the same time for hers. Or alternatively buy lots of baby jars for the baby, and some kiddy ready meals (things that sh emight not be inclined to eat herself) and take them round.

don't give money. I think you are incredibly kind btw and very good not to get involved too much in judging her

dilemma456 · 13/02/2010 16:40

Message withdrawn

inkyfingers · 13/02/2010 16:41

No - you're doing enough. You are doing loads more than lots of people so don't be hard on yourself. You probably give them breakfast when they stay over. You could invite her round for tea with her kids. But how much money would you give her and what about the next time she asks for ££? ... I sound mean... good luck!

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 13/02/2010 16:42

This is an unusual situation.

You do a lot for someone who isn't a friend.

Why do you do it? Did it start because you were worried about the children?

I think you need to talk to her and set her straight a bit on her priorities. She is going out and her kids have no food.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2010 16:43

I wouldn't give her anything, but then again, we can barely afford to feed ourselves.

But I wouldn't take food round or buy food for her, because then every time she runs out of money she'll know you'll buy food or take it round. You'll just become a Tesco delivery.

She needs to prioritise buying food right after rent and council tax.

We're HA tenants and they are always putting letters through the door asking if you need hep with finances or money management.

lisbey · 13/02/2010 16:46

Do you have a Salvation Army church in your town? They will be able to give her some food to tide her and the children over and will refer to any other agencies they think should be involved. The number in the phonebook is usually the minister's house.

heQet · 13/02/2010 16:47

I know how you feel. On one hand you think "it's your own fault" on the other hand, it's not the kids fault.

I suggest that you say "sorry, I really can't. I don't have it. But call the social and ask for a crisis loan. Their number is ..."

I think it's 0800 032 8349 but that's a quick google and I'm not sure. You could check.

scottishmummy · 13/02/2010 16:49

you do free babysitting,give her a pram,she taps you money.this isnt a mutual friendship she is taking the piss of your good nature

if she has money to go out she has money to feed her kids.she is being fuckwitted and selfish.and she plays emotional games knowing you will worry about her kids.when she shouldn't allow suh a situation to arise

frankly,id decrease social contact
dont return calls
dont baby sit
no more favours

and if you genuinely fear neglect call ss

Xales · 13/02/2010 16:50

Not being unreasonable.

My sister asked me to lend her £5 for cereal and milk to feed her children when they come back from their dads.

I was about to say yes when in the next breath she said her latest live in bit of filth had bought them both cocaine to take at the weekend while they were child free.

So I said no.

14hourstillbedtime · 13/02/2010 16:51

I had a similar relationship with a friend who lives down the road. I do actually like her (she's a bit of a nutter, but aren't we all in some way ); like you, I don't agree with lots about how she is raising her kids, but hey ho, they are her kids and she does genuinely need the help (both parents dead, in-laws pretty useless and most of her other friends childless, so wouldn't have the first clue).

Here's what happened for us: I used to take her toddler every Weds pm for a year (no pay or reciprocal dates), on a play date out with my son - then I got preg and it just became too much for me to juggle them both, so I said I would have to stop the exchange. This actually came at a good time for us, as she was becoming increasingly needy and I could see the impacting the relationship.

Maybe you could come up with an, ahem, situation (real or invented...) to stop helping her out so much? I only say this cos I've been in similar sit. and it really does just get worse with people who are inclined to use you.... Just my two cents....

Original poster

fernie3 · 13/02/2010 17:00

I AM worried about the younger one, she does offer him food but its totally inappropriate for him (for example chip shops chips and nothing else) not from a health point of view but because he just wont eat it alone and needs help to eat it which she doesnt offer, he eats well here as long as you help him get the food to his mouth. As I say I dont like the way she looks after them, she isnt abusive but she clearly has trouble with managing her own life as well as theirs. There are now doctors and health visitors involved so Im hoping they will see a clearer picture of things.

I think the reason I get so involved is that this is basically how my childhood was! I know its nothing to do with me but I also know how awful it is to be those children so I just cant let it go

I think I will have to say no both to the money and the buying food, I just dont have the money myself until next month by then she shouldnt need it assuming she gets benefits paid regularly.

I am glad that I am not being totally unreasonable I hate seeing people not coping but I just feel like its getting ridiculous now!

OP posts:

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