to say no and leave a "friend" with no money for food

[fernie3]

I say "friend" because she is the mother of one of my daughters friends, I speak to her in the school and I see her when the children play together but I am not about to spend time with her outside of this.

I have only known her since September and I know she struggles alot with her children. I look after all three of them (all under 5) overnight every few weeks so that she can go out. I have no idea of her income or anything apart from that she is single and on benefits - so I assume she is fairly short of money. She does however spend what money she does have on ridiculous things like recently a brand new double pushchair, even though I have just GIVEN her a jane powertwin which was less than a year old. It is now sitting in the hallway of her flat next to the brand new one which seems odd to me.

I dont agree with her lifestyle choices, I dont like the way she lives and have major problems with how she looks after the children (which is why I dont send my children over there) it but I dont say anything because its her business and I really believe that people who need help should be given help which I why I have tried to help her. I offered to look after the youngest baby free so she could apply for a job to help with money but she didnt even want to try.

Now she has just text me asking to borrow money for food. I know she has probably spent it on something ridiculous but I cant bear the thought of her children going hungry again, especially as the younger one is already ill and very very small and has major delays which have been put down to this - he said he wont eat I KNOW he will. I can find the money but it is not a small amount to us and the chances of her paying it back I would be fairly small. I also feel at this point that I have done enough and its her problem.

I really dont know what to do! I want to say no but I dont want to leave her children with nothing.

No! If she'd specify what food she needs it'd be more believable. I know plenty of people who have to eat pasta day after day when the money has run out and they're waiting for payday.
She needs to sort out her priorities - doesn't she have a box of cereal or a bag of porriage oats or pasta in the cupboard?
She shouldn't be that short on money anyway.
Can you just remind her that if you lent her £5 then you wont be able to afford the food for when her kids come round next week, so you wouldn't be able to have them.
And you could even show her your food budget and shopping receipt and help her write a decent weekly shopping list which will last. When does she next get money? Surely they've got some food in the cupboard.

Agree with 14hours that you should come up with a few visits to granny or similar to get out of this weekly babysitting service you're providing. Does she even say thank you?

Oh yes sorry its the baby food she needs, well thats sad. But if there are people getting involved now you wont be expected to buy baby food for her baby.

she sounds an imposition upon you.id drop her.if you find it socially awkward, then a wee white lie to make it easier

i understand your dilemma,her children situation reminds you of something you have experienced.no wonder it feels raw for you

There are 2 possibilities here:

1. She is a crap bordering on negligent mom and people who can help or do something about the situation need to be informed. But presumably since one of her children isn't thriving because of lack of food, social services are already involved?

1. She borrows money from lots of people and you're just one in a long line of people she hits up for money.

Could you call her and act horrified and say, 'Oh my god, I just got your text. Did your benefits get stopped?'

And then invite her kids around for a meal.

I am not poor but i'm not wealthy either. I get all of my childrens clothes from ebay or in the sales-in fact all of my baby gear for my first child was second hand or borrowed. I did it this way on a point of principle rather than desperation.

I could never understand why some of the people I know on benefits spend stupid money on brand knew designer outfits for their kids and superdooper brand new expensive buggies. My SIL explained that when you come from a deprived background (educationally, culturally and financially-which she does) it impacts seriously on your sense of self worth. She explained that having 'new' things and having your kids in the latest gear compensates in some way for this and makes some people feel better. Thats how she feels anyway. She's never bought anything second hand

To answer your question OP, this woman has no respect for you-if she did she wouldnt be hitting you up for money but rather she'd be trying to conserve the relationship. She sees you as a mug and she's taking the piss.

Is it possible that she also feels patronised by you?

Either way, ignore the requests for money, stop babysitting and put some distance between you

patrionised by op,wow that's a bitty left field.whats on your mind

I think I know how you felt, especially when you mentioned it's the children who pull your heartstrings.

I know someone who treats her eldest boy, very similar to how I was treated by my mother as i was growing up. Extremely quick tempered, verbally aggressive, unpredictable mood swings, and really mean ..... ie shuts the door too quickly on them , and their arms might get caught. Things like that.

She takes everything out on the boys.

I really don't wish for her to be in my life, but when she asks me to look after her two lovely boys , I often say yes.

in any unequal "friendship" for as long as you acquiesce to demands,those demands will continue to be made

what did she do before she met you in sept

I wouldn't be lending her any money, the more you help the less likely she is to receive help from official agencies.

All you are doing is help to mask the problems she is already having. In fact by babysitting her children so she can spend her money on nights out, you are in fact enabling her to shirk her responsibilities imo.

They are not your children, they are hers and she needs to change her priorities she will not do this if people keep bailing her out.

Let the official agencies sort it out and they can't do that if they don't see for themselves how bad things are.

As doing a food shop for her is beyong your means (and, understandably, your inclination), would a compromise - as clearly you will be spending the next few days fretting about whether the children are genuinely going hungry - be to make a veggie lasagne or something and drop it over?

That won't be very pricy for you to make and at least you can set your mind at rest that the children will have had a meal.

I know this is only a very short term solution - how are they going to manage for the other meals until her money comes in? - but perhaps will be one that is least financially detrimental to you whilst still ensuring that the children (whose fault none of this is, and who you clearly want to help) get some dinner.

zoomy,statutory agency involvement eg ss,hv,gp wont reduce if op help out.her friend will have a needs assessment and on basis of that a specific intervention plan will be implemented

Ah right scottishmummy.

In that case I'd do a huge lasagne/spag bol/cottage pie and tell her it was the 'extra' one I was cooking for the freezer but she is welcome to it if she needs it and my 'spare' loaf from the cupboard, with my extra weekend milk and spare conrflakes!

No money giving though.

Scottishmummy:- I meant patronised as in the OP gives her second hand stuff, looks after her kids but wont have her kids over there to stay etc. The other woman probably feels like the OP thinks she isnt good enough. I'm not making any criticism of the OP who is clearly being kindhearted, but it's not really an equal friendship and I wouldnt be surprised if the woman disliked her for it-hence her having no compulsion about taking the piss

harsh interpretation of op kindness to a chancer imo

Harsh-how? It's an interperation of the other womans reactions not the OP's behaviour/actions.

Def don't give her money - will only end up being the first time if many. You do lots to help already.

If the kids tug on your heart strings I aggree with the idea of taking some food around. Basics like pasta, baked beans etc.

Could always plead poverty yourself but say you had a sort through your cupboards and had spare food - bought lots when the weather was bad?

Gees, I'd just report her to SS if I suspected neglect.

Making her extra food and all that jazz - shit, it costs a bomb for the power in this place because it's on a key meter and the heaters are the storage electric variety - would cost even more to make her a lasagne than give her money/buy food.

Then you don't even know if they'll eat it.

No reason to feel guilty or apologise. If you can't afford it or don't feel inclined to spend time cooking then don't.

Sorry you've been put in this position by that woman.

If I were you I would deliver a box full of basics (beans, bread, pasta, rice, milk etc) and spill my guts on how I think she needs to think about how she budgets, her attitude etc and make it clear that this is a one off food parcel and basically cut all ties.

I know this is harsh, but as others have said, it's a one way relationship and she'll never change her ways if she's not told/kicked up the arse.

Gawd, why go out of your way buying food, taking it over, just to start what will probably be a row?

Just 'No. Am brassic.'

Asking again - Is there a dh/dp on the scene that could help out (the father of her young baby)? What about other family? Can any of them help?

I would take some food over, and then have an honest chat. Tell her it is hard to see her/her dc go hungry, but you think she is making terrible choices with her limited funds (you could use the example of the pushchair she bought when you had just given her a nice one in good condition). She needs to re-think her priorities.

Tell her your money situation isn't great either, and you can't keep helping her out - and you don't really want to when many of her problems seem to be down to poor financial choices. She may hear you, or she may tell you off - either way, the dynamic of the situation will have changed.

Maybe put her onto the Money Saving Expert website?

well, scottishmummy, guess you and me are hard.

id say canny myself if a friend imposes and takes piss their not a friend

a hard luck story can only go so far