to say no and leave a "friend" with no money for food

[fernie3]

I say "friend" because she is the mother of one of my daughters friends, I speak to her in the school and I see her when the children play together but I am not about to spend time with her outside of this.

I have only known her since September and I know she struggles alot with her children. I look after all three of them (all under 5) overnight every few weeks so that she can go out. I have no idea of her income or anything apart from that she is single and on benefits - so I assume she is fairly short of money. She does however spend what money she does have on ridiculous things like recently a brand new double pushchair, even though I have just GIVEN her a jane powertwin which was less than a year old. It is now sitting in the hallway of her flat next to the brand new one which seems odd to me.

I dont agree with her lifestyle choices, I dont like the way she lives and have major problems with how she looks after the children (which is why I dont send my children over there) it but I dont say anything because its her business and I really believe that people who need help should be given help which I why I have tried to help her. I offered to look after the youngest baby free so she could apply for a job to help with money but she didnt even want to try.

Now she has just text me asking to borrow money for food. I know she has probably spent it on something ridiculous but I cant bear the thought of her children going hungry again, especially as the younger one is already ill and very very small and has major delays which have been put down to this - he said he wont eat I KNOW he will. I can find the money but it is not a small amount to us and the chances of her paying it back I would be fairly small. I also feel at this point that I have done enough and its her problem.

I really dont know what to do! I want to say no but I dont want to leave her children with nothing.

Fernie - well done on calling her and explaining your position. She sounds a rather sad and deluded individual. Perhaps there is something going on that you don't know about - drugs? gambling? alcoholism? - that takes all her money.

I fully understand your wish to help her children, though. Someone has to speak up for them. If you are really worried you must take this further with school/social services/health visitors. Don't just assume she is already on their radar, will you? You sound like a very caring and generous person and it is a shame more neglected children are not helped by concerned individuals.

We have the same HV and I am seeing her on friday so I could mention it to her?
I dont know if she drinks much or takes drugs but I have not seen evidence of it if she does. I really have no idea what she spends day to day, the only thing I have ever actually seen her buy is just things from the corner shop by the school, sweets or a magazine so I doubt she is spending all of it there!

I have a friend like this, we are both on benefits, yet she never seems to have enough benefits to feed her children by day 5 of the week. We get EXACTLY the same amount of money (DLA for me in my house, for her 13yo in hers). Yet I have to pay out £48 bus fares a week to get DS2 to school, and still have enough money left to feed the DC's all week. . Every week she rings me to ask to borrow money. I did it twice. Last time it was £20, at the start of December. I got £10 of it first week of January, still not seen the other tenner. I suspect it has something to do with the 4 bottles of WKD blue she drinks every evening, and the 20 pre-made cigarettes she smokes a day....I smoke roll ups and spend £6.50 a week on it, and don't drink. Can't work out for the life of me why I can make my money stretch through the week and she can't. Or why I should bankroll her lack of priorities any more.

The unfortunate thing is, we've been friends for 7 years, and she's only been like this for the last 2 yrs since splitting up with her husband. And our DD's have grown up with each other as well, so I can't completely cut her out. I have learnt to just say NO to her. I suggest OP does the same. No matter how hard it is. Said friend no longer asks me for money, as she knows it won't be forthcoming.

all you need to say to the hv is 'look i'm concerned about my 'friend' for x reasons and i don't know what do' don't panic or feel bad - expect hv will be v experienced in hearing about concerns (hopefully) like this and will either signpost you to ss or make a report herself.

Hi Fernie, think you did the right thing. I know from experience that any action that you take, either by giving money (especially) or food, just enables your "friend". There are people that I have and would give money to, but only in situations where I know that there is nothing that they themselves can do to get themselves out of it, and, if I can afford it. Otherwise, its just not my problem.

Loudlass - £48 for a child's school bus fares? That's a fucking disgrace. Why aren't the LA paying?

Fernie, I just wondered if there was any update with this?