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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to refuse to get a dog?

89 replies

thelittlebluepills · 11/02/2010 20:49

DH has Multiple Sclerosis and has just been given ill health retirement. He is at home on his own all day now and understandably getting fed up/lonely/depressed. He (and everyone else in the family) would love to get a dog.

Arguments FOR

  • will keep DH company
  • will give DH a purpose, get him out on good days,get him socialising with others
  • DS1 wants a dog

Arguments AGAINST

  • I don't like dogs
  • they smell
  • their breath smells
  • they get hair everywhere
  • they jump up at people
  • they chew stuff
  • when DH is ill I will have a dog to walk/look after as well as two small kids and a job
  • it will be another thing to arrange/consider whenever we go away anywhere
  • the costs
  • DS2 is only 21mths and is still terrified of dogs
OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 11/02/2010 21:01

YANBU.

Cat?
Or something else - apparently snakes and rats make lovely pets if you're not squeamish.

ImSoNotTelling · 11/02/2010 21:02

It's 2 for and 2 against isn't it, not even a majority wanting a dog.

Honestly if it's going to fall to you to look after it, and you don't like them, you shouldn't. I wouldn't.

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/02/2010 21:10

big responsibility so tbh unless you are sure then no, dont do it.

i love both my dogs but DH and i have agreed that when these go there will be no more. all of your arguments against are totally spot on, and if you dont think you can cope with that then dont do it. i love my pooches but sometimes the hair, the cost, the fact my house never stays clean for 5 mins, the fact i cant go out for a day without planning someone to go home and let them out, all drive me mad. i am a firm believer that a dog is for life. not a throw away product to re home when you find youve made a mistake - so think long and hard.

EdgarAllenSnow · 11/02/2010 21:13

you are the adult - if you don't want the dog don't be pressured into it - YANBU

too many dogs in rescue because people get a puppy then realise they don't want it...

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/02/2010 21:14

(oh and mine are 8 and 5 - and the amount we have spent on vets bills over their life time would have taken us all to florida, on holiday twice!! big money for 2 small dogs! the vets receptionist told me the running total last time we went....i got a !!

EdgarAllenSnow · 11/02/2010 21:14

sorry - your dh is an adult too (misread as kids wanting.)- but I think both adults have to agree on this one.

Dillie · 11/02/2010 21:23

YANBU

Recently had a similar discussion going on here. You need to be both for the idea or it wont work

How about a kitten/cat? Imo they are just as nice and cuddly ... get a female they seem to respond better to male humans if you ask me

If a kitten then your DH could play & bond with her.

I hope your DH is keeping well

guessGoodEnough · 11/02/2010 21:23

Unless you 'try it out' with short term respite rescue care dogs. They are looking for fosterers to temporarily take on dogs belonging to people in hospital or people in shelters escaping domestic abuse, for example. Average term is 3 months apparently. Means you can organise not to have a dog for summer holidays or whatever.

If it doesn't fit into your life after all you can hand the dog back - guilt free! - chalk it up as a learning experience And know you have helped a family hold on to theier much loved pet.

Or of course it may be a life enhancing addition to your family and you end up getting your own doggie after all.

Try before you buy.

Cos I completely understand your concerns!

Pikelit · 11/02/2010 21:24

If you don't want a dog, don't get one. It isn't fair on the dog.

JaynieB · 11/02/2010 21:30

We got a dog a few years ago and although she has many redeeming qualities - with the benefit of hindsight I wish we hadn't got her. They are a tie and take lots of time, walking, picking up (yet more) poo etc and they do cost money. Saying all that a nice dog is a delightful companion, maybe the suggestions of alternative pets might be worth discussing instead?

DrNortherner · 11/02/2010 21:36

I think the benefits it will give your family will far out weigh the negatives.

Your dh is home alone all day. A dog wil be his buddy, his companion, the kids will love it - the dog will adore your kids.

Your concerns are:

I don't like dogs - you could grow to like them.....

  • they smell...not always
  • their breath smells..not always
  • they get hair everywhere - you can get breeds that don't shed
  • they jump up at people - not if you train them not to
  • they chew stuff - see above or get an oler dog
  • when DH is ill I will have a dog to walk/look after as well as two small kids and a job - yes you will
  • it will be another thing to arrange/consider whenever we go away anywhere
  • the costs - good point
  • DS2 is only 21mths and is still terrified of dogs - he won't be if he lives with one

I think an older dog would suit your family and second what has already been said on here. We got our dog from a chartity called Labrador welfare and they have a number of older dogs needing full time foster homes - they will take it back when you go on hols, and pay for all vet bills.

Dogs are great.

hatwoman · 11/02/2010 21:39

I can very much understand your dh's reasoning. and yours. I have ms and although it's currently mild the thought of being too ill to work, (or walk the dog), frankly terrifies me. I think you and dh need to have a serious talk about how he;s going to handle his retirement - because this is about much more than a dog.

you say the dog will give him a purpose and opportunities for socialising. There are other things that he could explore that could do that, without you having the joint responsibility of a dog. he could even look at walking other people's dogs (on good days). have either of you been in touch with the MS Society? iirc they have good local support networks. gardening would be a good thing to get into - esp if he could get his hands on an allotment - very sociable I believe. and he coud grow lovely veg for the family and the neighbours. that woud be a good purpose. (and you don't have to do it/commit to it everyday. of course)

If he has only just retired then he almost certainly needs time to adapt - he may be v. scared right now, which is why he wants the dog. but he may well find it's not as bad as it seems.

if he is dead set on a dog then you could explore ways of seeing if you can be persuaded. I know it will be hard to convince you, as the bottom line is you don;t like them, but not all dogs smell, not all dogs chew (in fact the vast majority of adults don't chew), there are some breeds that don't shed hair, and there are some that don't need much walking (greyhouds, for example, need abt 20 mins a day). many are well trained and don't jump up. you could also look at getting an elderly rescue dog - ie one with a life expectancy of just a year or two. often difficult to rehome as most people don't want that.

I don't think either of you abu. I just think you need to talk.

very good luck and best wishes to your dh.

PlanetEarth · 11/02/2010 21:41

How bad is his illness at present? Maybe he could be a Guide Dog puppy walker? I don't know much about it personally, but it seems that although it requires a fair amount of commitment it's short-term, and you could all see how you got on with a dog in the house without having it for the next 15 years.

LEMprefersdogstocats · 11/02/2010 21:45

what Dr northerner said

Dogs are proven to be profoundly beneficial to people with long term illness, i really feel that you should give this a go. Stroking a dog has been clinically proven to reduce blood pressure. Training the dog will give your husband something to focus on, it will be very hard for your DH to suddenly not be working

I really feel that your husbands health will benefit from having a dog more than you could imagine.

If it wasn't for his illness i would be saying, YANBU definately dont get the dog but please consider it.

OK, so i am piling on the pressure abit i know, and im not saying you need to cave in, but maybe research some of the potential health benefits and weigh up whether or not you feel you can incorporate a dog in your lives.

fluffles · 11/02/2010 21:47

hatwoman is right, this is not just about a dog. if your DH was not ill then i'd say YANBU and both adults have to agree... but on the other hand i can see that your DH is probably very worried about lonliness and the future at home...

i don't think you should get a dog you don't want but i also don't think you can dismiss this entirely if it's going to be your DH's way of coping...

i would encourage the fostering route and see how you feel in a few months.

Vallhala · 11/02/2010 22:18

YANBU - the cost to all parties if you go ahead and get a dog and then it all goes wrong will be too great. It could even cost the dog his life. No reputable rescue, for example, WOULD rehome to you, because one half of the couple doesn't want a dog.

Fostering is an excellent idea though and if you are happy to look after a dog for an agreed period of time after you've found out all there is to know about the procedure of the organisation you go through you MAY even find that you've fallen in love.

There is the other option of helping at a local rescue, be that hands-on or with fundraising and soforth. Would this appeal to your DH perhaps?

I sympathise with your poor DH as I couldn't live without my dogs but perhaps there are ways around this yet.

Good luck.

gerontius · 11/02/2010 22:23

Also, I know a family who got a Golden Retriever for the same reasons as you outline above (the DH had MS) and they now have the problem that the dog is too strong for the DH to walk him by himself. So if you did get one, I'd advise a smaller breed.

nannynobnobs · 11/02/2010 22:31

I bought our dog from a local rescue on impulse when my much- missed cat died (I saw him on a poster in Pets at Home and rang up about him, and once I'd started the process I felt I couldn't back out). He was bigger than I thought, hadn't been neutered and was really jumpy- uppy. In fact I wasn't too fond of him for about a week and thought What have I done!
However now he's a fully fledged family member. The only main cost has been having him neutered. He eats well for not very much money (even good branded dog food doesn't break the bank). His insurance is about £15 a month. He makes the house feel more secure, he doesn't smell, his breath doesn't smell. He sheds a bit but I hoover! And no more than I would normally. I thought I'd be finding hair in my dinner etc but it doesn't happen.
The only problem I've found so far is our holiday choices are limited- we'd have to take him too. Luckily we normally go camping!
I would think about what a PP has said about it being very good for health and wellbeing to have a pet, not to mention giving your DH a friend and sense of purpose.

nannynobnobs · 11/02/2010 22:33

I will add, his insurance is around that price because he is about six or seven already, a younger dog would be cheaper.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/02/2010 08:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If you aren't happy with the idea, don't get one. I have had more rodents than I can count because DD has made me feel rotten for saying no. We recently had the debacle of two dead gerbils. She is currently whining for some more, but I am firm in my resolve to say no.
I think your ds would benefit from getting to know dogs, my dd was also terrified of them, she loves the look of them but wouldn't ever stroke one. this stems from my insistance that she didn't touch anything furry in thailand because of the risk of rabies (high). When we moved to switzerland she backed away from all dogs. It has taken us a good couple of years to make sure she is comfortable around them.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 08:39

I think the hope that a dog "might grow on her" is not strong enough to get one. She doesn't like them.

Cats are proven to reduce blood pressure when stroked as well.

RE foster dog - personally I think that's a bad idea, as if after that DH, DS1 and DS2 all want to keep the dog, OP isn't going to have a leg to stand on even if she hates it.

I love cats and wouldn't tell someone who didn't like one that they ought to get one anyway.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 08:40

Plus the everyday care for the dog is going to fall to the OP, on top of everything else she has on her plate. Not fair for someone who doesn't even want it.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 08:46

Do not get a dog!

You don't like them, and all of its care will fall on you.

Plus, you have a pretty young child and you work and, because of your husband's illness, probably do the bulk of the housework and work relating to the children.

It's unreasonable to heap pressure on you to look after a dog, too.

He needs to find other ways of keeping company and getting out of the house.

You need to really like dogs in order for it to work.

YANBU.

Be firm.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 08:49

'I love cats and wouldn't tell someone who didn't like one that they ought to get one anyway. '

Same here.

EcoMouse · 12/02/2010 08:55

If he lost his sight, would you prevent him from getting a seeing dog? His hearing, a hearing dog?

He has a chronic illness and I'm sure a dog could be trained to be a specific help, rather than a hindrance.

My mum had arthritis and would often drop things so her golden retriever would carry her eggs from the basket to the cooker, for example! He was highly trained so strength in controlling him wasn't an issue.