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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to get a dog?

89 replies

thelittlebluepills · 11/02/2010 20:49

DH has Multiple Sclerosis and has just been given ill health retirement. He is at home on his own all day now and understandably getting fed up/lonely/depressed. He (and everyone else in the family) would love to get a dog.

Arguments FOR

will keep DH company
will give DH a purpose, get him out on good days,get him socialising with others
DS1 wants a dog

Arguments AGAINST

I don't like dogs
they smell
their breath smells
they get hair everywhere
they jump up at people
they chew stuff
when DH is ill I will have a dog to walk/look after as well as two small kids and a job
it will be another thing to arrange/consider whenever we go away anywhere
the costs
DS2 is only 21mths and is still terrified of dogs

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:00

ecomouse that is a ridiculous post. He does not currently need a dog, he wants one. There is a difference. Way to help the OP make a decision, layering on the guilt like that, as if she hasn't got enough to worry about at the mo.

i cannot believe that people are saying OP should get a dog when she doesn't like them and it will be her looking after it!

No wonder so many dogs end up in rescue centres if this is the advice that dog lovers dish out.

EcoMouse · 12/02/2010 09:03

No it isn't. MS is a debilitating condition.

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 09:10

expat - why would all of its care fall on the OP?

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:11

If you can't see why there is a difference between a highly trained seeing dog for a person with a vision impairment, and a family pet dog for a person who has MS, then I don't know how to explain.

You understand that the OP is a real person, yes? With a real house, job, two children one of which is under 2. She has to shop clean cook sort the children out etc etc.

She (a real person) doesn;t like dogs. Her Dh adn DS1 want a PET dog.

You are TELLING her that if she does not get a dog which a, she does not want and b. she will have to look after, on top of all her other work, that she is acting the same as if she were denying her DH a seeing dog if he were blind?

And you see this as good helpful advice for the OP? I see it as a huge guilt trip to force her to do something she doesnt want to do, something which would be achieved with a different easier pet or her DH exploring other options as per hatwoman's post. But no OP has to get a dog as otherwise she doesn't care about her ill husband.

Out of order IMO.

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 09:12

ecomouse's post was not at all ridiculous getting an assistance dog is diffent from getting a pet. but the principle isn't remotely ridiculous.

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 09:14

tho I agree it's not the same, as denying someone a seeing dog

EcoMouse · 12/02/2010 09:15

I haven't said 'she should' or 'she shouldn't', I didn't 'tell' her anything, I asked.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:16

They are not looking into getting an assitance dog, they are looking into getting a pet.

Romanarama · 12/02/2010 09:18

Tbh I think your youngest child is too young for a dog. A good breeder or a rescue wouldn't let you have one anyway.

Please bear in mind that a puppy is a huge amount of work. I have one, and it's true that there's a lovely social part to it. Walking him in the park is delightful as I talk to lots of people, and have found a real dog owners' community. But it's a big time commitment, and the jumping and nipping is tiresome enough even for a dog lover like me.

I see your dh's point of view though, a dog is great company at home. Maybe you could think about a very lazy, well-behaved, adult rescue greyhound in a couple of years?

EcoMouse · 12/02/2010 09:18

Thanks for putting the link up HW

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 09:20

to those who keep saying that op will have to dp all the looking after - i suspect (not your fault) that you don't know much abt ms. the op said she would need to walk it "when dh is ill". ms is hugely variable and none of us (including the op and her dh) can really know how much this will be. her dh will have plenty of days when he's up to walking a dog, especially (as I suggested) an elderly dog that needs 20 mins exercise a day and who's only going to be around for a year or two (ms can be progressive, so hard to know what the op's dh health will be lke in the future. so, a short-lived dog might be a more sensible option)

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:21

ecomouse reread your post. My interpretation of what you wrote is, I'm sure, the interpretation most people would put on what you wrote.

That if she denied DH a dog, it would be akin to denying him a seeing dog if he were blind.

Which is just not helpful.

If that isn't what uou meant maybe you could clarify.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:24

hatwoman I assume that OP will end up doing most of the looking after not because of MS, but because IME the mum always ends up bearing the brunt of any additonal "looking after" type work that comes into the family.

What's wrong with a cat or a rat or a snake? or some fish? Or anything which the OP doesn't dislike.

Honestly it's not as if dogs are the only pet animals available.

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 09:27

not my experience at all.

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 09:29

and there's a world of difference between dogs and other animals...dogs have been specificlly bred for 1000s of years as companions/workers for people. it's not accident or sentimentailty that's led them to be known as man's best friend. I've had lots of animals and there really is no comparison. except possibly horses...but that's not very helpful!

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:36

Well it is a lot of people's experience! I think that is why others are making the assumption, of course who can say whether the OPs husband will step up and do it. Hard to tell.

I still think that exhorting someone to get a dog when they do not like dogs, they have a lot on their plate anyway, including an under 2 who also is scared of dogs, is a mistake.

I honestly don't understand why people are so keen for her to do something she doesn't want to do. Yes people on here like dogs. I get it. Doesn't mean everyone else has to as well.

And now she is being told that nothing else will do, bar maybe a horse.

So not only if she doesn't get one it is akin to denying a blind person a seeing dog, but there is also no possible alternative.

Why do people want to force this poor woman do get a dog when she doesn't bleeding want one??? What's wrong with doing something else instead?

fernie3 · 12/02/2010 09:42

Is there no other animal you could agree on? I have to say that my mother founds her dogs a HUGE comfort when she was ill. However, she was unable to care for them so the rest of the family had to do it. It wasnt a huge chore but I can see that if you already have a busy life and you dont even like dogs it would be. I think if he is lonely and depressed he needs SOMETHING if not an animal of some kind then something else to keep him feeling useful and occupied but tbh I dont think it sounds like you would cope with the extra pressure of a dog.

EcoMouse · 12/02/2010 09:45

ImSo, you have chosen to focus on one part of what was a reasonably well rounded post in its entirety, which was inclusive of suggestion and example.

sparechange · 12/02/2010 09:48

I'll admit from the outset that I'm biased and love dogs, but I think we can do something about your list of reasons against...

I don't like dogs - ok, haven't really got a silver bullet for that, but don't underestimate how much personality (dogonality) they have, and how much you might like that
they smell - not if you give them the occasional bath. Once a month for them and their bedding would be plenty
their breath smells - you can get breath freshener treats. One every day/2 days means no more dog breath
they get hair everywhere - not if you get a shorter haired dog, give it the occasional brush, or even better, get a 'non-drop' variety
they jump up at people - only badly behaved ones. A few days training will stop this
they chew stuff - only puppies and bored dogs. Either get an older dog who is past chewing, or give it chewy toys and things to distract it
when DH is ill I will have a dog to walk/look after as well as two small kids and a job - an hour a day of fresh air and exercise for you and the DCs can never be a bad thing
it will be another thing to arrange/consider whenever we go away anywhere - You'd be surprised how many people love dogs but don't want a full time one, so are happy to look after one when you are on holiday
the costs - ok, again, no answer. They cost money, but you don't have to buy it designer clothes. But you do have to budget for insurance or the occasional big vet bill
DS2 is only 21mths and is still terrified of dogs - only you know how terrified he is, and whether that would be get better having a calm dog in the house, or it would be traumatic

MintyMoo · 12/02/2010 09:50

'I love cats and wouldn't tell someone who didn't like one that they ought to get one anyway. '

Ditto. OP - YANBU, there are loads of animals your DH could keep as a pet instead, a cat might be a good option as they generally require less work. As someone who doesn't like dogs much and is easily scared by them myself, if I was in your position I wouldn't get a dog, especially not if I had a toddler who was also afraid of dogs. Likewise if my DP (who actually would like a dog) disliked cats (we're both big cat lovers so it's not a problem) I wouldn't insist on him getting one. We had a very good natured dog when I was a child and I'm still scared of them.

Some people just aren't 'dog' people and to force them to have a dog isn't fair on them or the dog.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:50

eco read that post as if you were the OP, if you can put yourself in her boots, and see if there is room to take it in the way i took it.

I am focussing on that bit as it is the opening, it leaps out at you and seems to be a direct comparison to the OPs situation with implication that the OP is denying her DH something he needs. What I am saying is that if the OP read the post the same was as I did, it is a lot of guilt to put on her.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 09:55

Thing is a pet like a dog or a cat is a member of the family. You accept them as such, love them, happily put up with their foibles, clear up their crap/vomit or whatever with love as you do with your children. They are always around, watching telly with you, following you around, asking for food etc etc.

The reason that this is fine is because you love the animal as if it were one of your family.

If you do not even like an animal to start with, and you don't grow to like them, let alone love them, then this is going to be pretty intolerable. Like having someone you really disclike as a permanent houseguest.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 09:56

He has also just been given early retirement.

He needs time to adjust and accept that before taking on a commitment like a dog.

She doesn't like them, he may not be able to care for one. She has a job and two young children and he may become incapcitated or ill for periods of time, again, something that will require extra duties on the part of the spouse.

The last thing she needs is a dog she doesn't even like on top of all this.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 10:02

Plus, if there is a 21 month old and OP works, the the DH is looking after the toddler I assume. And maybe the older one as well depending on age?

Isn't that enough to be getting on with. Plus a toddler - loving, faithful, cute, needs training, good to take it out for a run a couple of times a day, needs to be fed watered and toileted...

Also if he is at home with the toddler who is scared of dogs, and a new dog that needs trainign esttlign in etc, how's that gping to work.

I really think they should be exploring other ideas TBH.

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 10:49

as someone who has a dog, a cat, a gerbil, and ms, can I say that my suggestion of getting an allotment is more likely to get closer to what op's dh is after than "other animals". other aninals just don't come anywhere near dogs in terms of providing someone with company and a purpose. nowhere near.

I think the assumption that the dh is looking after the toddler is a huge one. if he was why would he be worried about being lonely and not having a purpose?

I agree that the op should not be guilt-tripped into getting a dog. but I do think the situation is a particular one where the people in question have very different needs from the "norm". when you look disability firmly in the face, as op's dh is doing, it's a very scary prospect. I think there are some people who are viewing the situation slightly simplistically. The considerations are very complex and, tbh, no-one here can truly appreciate them, or answer the op. I just hope that somewhere, buried in this thread there are some thoughts and ideas that will help op and her dh decide what to do in a very difficult situation.

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