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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to get a dog?

89 replies

thelittlebluepills · 11/02/2010 20:49

DH has Multiple Sclerosis and has just been given ill health retirement. He is at home on his own all day now and understandably getting fed up/lonely/depressed. He (and everyone else in the family) would love to get a dog.

Arguments FOR

  • will keep DH company
  • will give DH a purpose, get him out on good days,get him socialising with others
  • DS1 wants a dog

Arguments AGAINST

  • I don't like dogs
  • they smell
  • their breath smells
  • they get hair everywhere
  • they jump up at people
  • they chew stuff
  • when DH is ill I will have a dog to walk/look after as well as two small kids and a job
  • it will be another thing to arrange/consider whenever we go away anywhere
  • the costs
  • DS2 is only 21mths and is still terrified of dogs
OP posts:
zipzap · 12/02/2010 13:23

Have only skimmed this but...

as a fellow non-dog lover I have to say DON'T GET A DOG.

It will make you miserable and uncomfortable in your own home. I'm assuming you are grown up enough to know that you don't like dogs and you are not likely to change your mind (even if there is a small chance that living with a dog may like them more, may make her more scared of course). You're just going to resent it more and more.

And then feel guilty because it is a living thing so you're the end of the line and if nobody else feels like/is able to take care of it, you will because you can't be cruel to animals. And then you will feel angry that you feel guilty and resent it and those who wanted it but have left you to clear up the mess (literally, frrequently).

It's not like getting a guide dog.

Any chance your husband could befriend someone who has a dog that is at work all day (the person not the dog at work ) and so maybe do a little dog sitting or walking to see what it involves and see if he really does get some of the benefits he thinks having a dog will give him? And be nice fo rthe dog not to be home alone all day too.

You have more than enough going on in your life at the moment, introducing a dog is just selfish of your husband and completely unfair to you (and the dog).

LadyRabbit · 12/02/2010 13:47

I think sparechange and DrNortherner have provided really good arguments for. I'm biased about dogs (love them to distraction) but can see why OP has reservations. Wish more people would take getting a dog so seriously - near broke my heart getting one of ours from rescue.

It so depends on the breed/size and how you get the dog. But from personal experience, my FIL is wheelchair bound and has recently got a lovely old rescue dog to keep him company. Both have a new lease of life. An older dog will be less in need of vigorous exercise (again depends on breed) and can often come ready house trained and well behaved. They're not necessarily as high maintenance as you might think. (Except for puppies - whole different ball game!!)

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 13:53

at "introducing a dog is just selfish of your husband ". they haven't got a dog yet, and we have no idea what the dh has actually said, beyond expressing the fact that'd like one. if dh went ahead with no regard at all for op them yes that would be selfish. but he hasn't. I don;t think calling him selfish, on the basis of the info we have, is at all fair.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 15:42

"I think the assumption that the dh is looking after the toddler is a huge one."

Why? If one parent is at home and there are small children then normally they look after them don't they? Unless OP and family are super-rich and have decided to send the toddler to nursery full time anyway, which most people don't do, which would be quite unusual.

Surely looking after the toddler would be better all round than getting a dog?

mathanxiety · 12/02/2010 15:50

If your DH is looking for something to do that would take him out of the house sometimes, and likes dogs, how about volunteering when he's up to it at the local animal shelter? They sometimes look for people to groom, feed, take dogs out and help socialise them. Or get a cat, just for company (and maybe occasional mousing).

A dog in a home is a lot of work, and it doesn't always end up well with small children around, even with the best will in the world. And vet bills can set you back quite a bit.

zipzap · 12/02/2010 16:07

Hatwoman - sorry, I'm tired and didn't write that as clearly as I was thinking it.

I meant that, should the op's husband go ahead and get a dog, then that would be selfish. Obviously I realise that he hasn't introduced it yet - sorry, will try to be clearer in my posts next time . not sure if you are because you thought I thought the dh had already got a dog or because (regardless of timing) you don't agree that he is being selfish?

how about this? Just my (non dog-lover) opinion - slightly clearer now... hopefully...

I don't think it is selfish of him to have thought about having a dog or to discuss it with his wife. But from what the OP has said so far in her posts, given what she thinks of having dogs and her reasons and the entire family's situation, I do think it would be selfish of him to carry on and go ahead and get one at some point in the future.

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 17:28

sorry zipzap - didn;t mean to bite your head off! I should have given you the benefit of the doubt and read what you'd written as intending what you've just put in the (reasonable) rewritten version (that's a really clumsy sentence I've just used but never mind)

I'mSoNotTelling - as I said I think it's a huge assumption because if the dh was to look after the toddler why would he feel he needed a "purpose" and company? both of which would be clearly provided by the toddler.

I don't think you can draw any conclusions based on what most families with one parent at home do. This isn;t the same as a family with one parent at home. it's a family with one parent at home who has ms that has forced him to take ill health retirement - it's a very particular situation. we have no idea if he'll be looking after the toddler or not.

Original poster
thelittlebluepills · 12/02/2010 17:38

sorry for lack of response so far - DH is around all the time so difficult for me to post as I don't particularly want him reading the thread - so i may have to stop writing this halfway through!

thanks for all your posts - in summary:

  • I love cats - DH totally hates them and would not want one - I would agree that dogs are really the only pet to provide the sort of companionship and psychological benefit that he would want. We already have a couple of goldfish - he's not really interested in any other pets
  • Our toddler is not at home with DH when I am at work - he goes to nursery. DH does not have an accurate perception of the extent of his illness - he keeps saying he'll be fine but in actual fact he has only ever looked after the kids for one day without me (and was knackered for days after) - his view is that he would walk the dog every day but I know that actually 60% of the time he would not be well enough to do so - or if he did manage it would then be unable to pick up DS1 (age 5) from school
  • I would definitely consider an assistance dog if (when ) he gets to the stage of needing an awful lot of help but i don't think we'd qualify now anyway
  • hatwoman - we have tried the allotment thing (veg patch in the garden) but he lost interest fairly early on

My fear is that I would totally resent the dog and not feel like it was my own home - I think i would feel that I was out all day working to keep the family to then come home and clear up after them all - and then have to walk the dog -

sparechange - I honestly do not have a spare hour every evening - once the kids are in bed I have to sort everything for the next day, sometimes do more work because I've not got my hours in, do the finances, DIY, menu planning, shopping, etc etc.

despite all this I really want to do anything I can for DH -it is an awful situation for him to be in - I love him and want to help - but I guess that this would be one sacrifice too much for me

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 17:44

You are doing too much to accommodate a dog.

I assume he's doing what he can, within the contraints of his illness, and yet, from the list you just wrote, it's not enough to take on a dog as well.

Don't get one.

Show him this thread.

We can't always get what we want.

He will need to find another way to deal with things because you are already burning the candle at both ends and he's not got as ill as he might do.

EcoMouse · 12/02/2010 17:48

ImSo, to enlighten you to my perspective, I have a condition with some similar traits to MS.

To have an able bodied companion when I am at my worst will alleviate my vulnerability and feelings of vulnerability at those times. This will have a massive and positive impact upon my life.

I described the example of my mothers dog and the use of his abilities given her limitations, as an example of a family dog whose high level of training and empathic relationship with my mother led him to be a working family pet.

Not so different from a dog for the disabled, in fact he became exactly that.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 17:48

hello littlebluepills i thought we'd lost you! i think we've all been enjoying a good bicker in the meantime!

Shame he doesn't like cats

I really don't think you should do it. It looks like you will be doing most of the looking after it - and you have enough on your plate already. you don't want to wear yourself into the ground - you will not be in a position to look after yourself or your family properly if you do.

There must be other things he could do - will have a think.

Ripeberry · 12/02/2010 17:48

Find a neighbour who has a dog that is left alone all day and 'borrow' it each day, be it's babysiter
That way your DH gets to walk the dog, it gets company and food and the real owner knows that it's being looked after.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 17:50

The thing is, you're doing so much now, if he gets sicker the dog may have to go.

Not good.

Don't go there.

He needs to accept that you're doing too much to look after the dog, too.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 17:51

You still compared Ops situation of not wanting to get a pet dog for her DH with her refusing to get him a seeing dog if he were vision impaired, and I still think that was an unfair comparison to make.

You may not have meant your post like that, but it's how it came across.

You could have just asked if she had heard of assistance dogs/highly trained dogs for people with disabilites which would have been kinder.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/02/2010 17:54

I feel overwhelming sympathy for your position, littlebluepills, it must be very hard. i am sure there is a solution to this somewhere - ripeberry's idea is good.

Has he checked out stuff in the area you live - you know how when you have a baby there are loads of groups - there are often similar groups for people to meet and chat and socialise who are retired/unwell etc etc. Or otehr stuff like that, will think some more.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 12/02/2010 18:51

We've got two and in all honesty they are a perfect bloody nuisance. They were dh's before I met him. I love them now very much but you do resent having pets foisted on you. I've ended up doing everything with them, dh doesn't bother from one week to the next. Why he got them is a total mystery to me.
You can get dogs that are easier than others. Ours are collies and very full-on, I definitely wouldn't recommend them as they need mental amounts of exercise when young. Some breeds don't shed hair and are very laid back. I hear good things about greyhounds...
But really I would go for a cat if I was you.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 12/02/2010 18:55

In fact the more i think about it, a dog is really not on for you right now littleblue...
I think you need a hug and a holiday, not more hassle. Poor you. I can quite see how you would not have time of an evening to go dog walking.

EdgarAllenSnow · 12/02/2010 18:57

assistance dogs and PAT dogs turn up fully trained - not the same thing as a pet at all.

PamelaTroglodytes · 12/02/2010 19:08

YANBU

As someone has suggested further up the thread, why not suggest that DH volunteers at an animal shelter? That will give him the opportunity for social contact and contact with dogs. The volunteering may also help give him a sense of purpose and something to do iyswim?

I am of the opinion that you should not take on a dog unless you are all happy/prepared. You sound to be very busy already, you have a young child (which would be problematic if you tried to rehome anyway) and the negatives that you list are all very real factors that will/would impact on your life.

Taking on a dog is adding another member to your family and needs the same sort of thinking/agreement as deciding to start TTC would (though is obv shorter term in the long run).

hatwoman · 12/02/2010 21:06

thanks for gtting back to us littlebluepills. the unpredictability of ms is so horrible - for you, as well as your dh.
I agree about seeing if you can explore dogsitting - it sounds like dh couldn't committ to dog walking as such. but I bet you could find someone (if it were bearable to you) who'd be delighted if they could leave their dog with dh during the day. why not advertise in a local shop and see if anything comes up? good luck to you both. one day I may be in your dh's shoes..and ut's always in my mind how rubbish it'll be for dh.

zipzap · 12/02/2010 21:54

If your dh can't bear the thought of having a cat, can he not understand that you have the same feelings about having a dog in the house?

throwingnappiesattrucks · 12/02/2010 23:20

Please don't get a dog, it sounds like you've got far too much on your plate already.

I'm a dog lover and have 1 boxer (I adore her, she's fantastic and part of the family and would never rehome her), but since having DD 4mths ago even I sometimes wish we didn't have a dog 'cos it's so much more work and planning when you have young DCs. I still haven't mastered walking a pram and a lively dog, its a nightmare! And if your heart isn't in it, then please don't get a dog - you'll end up resenting it and the poor thing won't understand why.

DrNortherner · 13/02/2010 12:44

Have you considered a retired greyhound? They only need 2 20 min walks a day and are hapy to sleep the rest of the time, beautiful dogs with wonderful temprements also.

You do have a lot on your plate, as mot mothers do, but I think you could really com eto love an evening walk with your dog, time out just for you - doesn't sound like you get alot.

I love walking my dog, don't see it as a chor at all.

DrNortherner · 13/02/2010 12:48

here

expatinscotland · 13/02/2010 13:29

'You do have a lot on your plate, as mot mothers do, but I think you could really com eto love an evening walk with your dog, time out just for you - doesn't sound like you get alot.

I love walking my dog, don't see it as a chor at all.'

She sees it as something she can't handle. She doesn't like dogs. She has a lot on her plate and may at some point have even more if her husband's illness worsens.

She's not like most mothers because she has a husband with a potentiall debilitating illness which has gotten to the point where he has been retired early.

WHY on Earth are you putting more pressure on her to acquire even more work when it sounds like the poor gal already has 3-foot rods around her back?

Maybe she wants time to herself not to include having to take the dog out in weather like we've had recently.

I can't believe anyone who truly loves dogs would suggest placing one, especially a rescue dog, with someone who doesn't like dogs as a primary caregiver.