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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want the NHS to pay for a vasectomy reversal

123 replies

faddle · 10/02/2010 20:33

DH had the snip a couple of years ago. At the time, we were both suffering from depression, myself quite severely, and I had just miscarried an unplanned pregnancy when my pill didnt work. In a fit of panic I packed him off for the snip and he (also in a fit of panic) went and had the op. Neither of us were offered counselling, and nor were was DH asked any questions other than "are you sure".
I have recently been and asked the GP for a referral to have the reversal, and he has agreed to refer us, but couldnt tell me the criteria, other than he didnt think we would be eligible.
Am I being unreasonable to ask for the NHS to pay for this since I feel if we had both been counselled, or at least interviewed, they probably would not have agreed to do the op given our mental state at the time.
We do desperately want another child, but the cost of having a reversal privately is beyond our means.

OP posts:
annh · 10/02/2010 22:03

Faddle, I appreciate that you are now desperate to have another child but a few years ago you were so desperate NOT to have one that your husband had a vasectomy which is about the most reliable form of contraception around. Why does the NHS have to deal with the fact that you have now changed your mind? There is just too much of a sense of entitlement and lack of personal responsibility around nowadays and many of us are guilty of casting around for someone to blame whenever we can't have what we want. It always seems to be someone else's fault these days!

Original poster
faddle · 10/02/2010 22:03

expat - I dont know your circumstances, and I am sorry for your loss. Equally, you do not know all of my circumstances, so please do not judge me too harshly.
I think it was this comment that made me angry
quote:
As for your desire for a second child, you do realise this board is full of people struggling to conceive their first, yeah?
unquote.

I was making the point that just because I happen to have 2 children, does not mean that my wanting another child is any less devastating to me personally than to someone unable to conceive their first.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 10/02/2010 22:04

This all sounds a bit silly

I really don't buy the argument that the NHS should not have given you a vasectomy without counselling. You're both normally functioning adults, after all

Also don't buy the argument that you can't afford a reversal but you can afford a third child. Those two positions are contradictory

Most reversals don't work anyway.

I'd be rather annoyed as a taxpayer to end up funding treatments for people who seem constitutionally incapable of making up their minds

wannaBe · 10/02/2010 22:06

"But I can tell you now, that wanting a child and not being able to have one is devastating whether or not you already have children. And if you have trouble
with that, I would suggest you ask the girls on the TTC board who are trying unsucessfully to conceive their 2nd or subsequent children!"

I was one of the girls on the ttc boards about... oh nearly five years ago.

And I was unable to conceive a second child.

And yes it can be devastating, but I have one child - one should be grateful for the things one already has rather than dwelling on the things one can't have.

You can't have another child because you chose not to have another child.

some people don't even have that.

When I was on the ttc boards there was one poster who tried to conceive for five years.

Just as she was contemplating IVF she fell pregnant, had a perfect pregnancy, went into labour naturally, and as the baby descended the chord was wrapped round his neck and he was stillborn.

She then ttc for another three years after that, went through IUI and IVF and never conceived again.

Your devastation is self inflicted and has nothing on someone like her.

Original poster
faddle · 10/02/2010 22:07

I think the general consensus it that I am being unreasonable.
You are all right, I do need to take responsibility for my actions, and DH for his.
Thankyou all for your help with this - sometimes we cant see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/02/2010 22:07

'Equally, you do not know all of my circumstances, so please do not judge me too harshly.
I think it was this comment that made me angry'

here's the difference, here, faddle: you started this thread, asking if you were being unreasonable.

you stated you have two children.

now you come and fling it at me and anyone else who disagrees with you that you need to pay for the reversal or IVF.

and you are talking MINCE and being insulting if you are comparing yourself, with two healthy children, to a person struggling to conceive their first or who does via IVF because their husband had cancer, or a person who developed a life-threatening condition in pregnancy with their first and now they can't have anymore or they'll die.

you're even more selfish to compare yourself to someone like that, IMO.

Northernlurker · 10/02/2010 22:08

'I was making the point that just because I happen to have 2 children, does not mean that my wanting another child is any less devastating to me personally than to someone unable to conceive their first. '

Yes ok - of course it is very upsetting BUT you are a parent, you've both had that joy and fulfillment so I think what we are all pretty much saying is that your need to do it again is going to come below the need some people have to do it at all when financial priorities are determined. I hope you can see and agree with that actually - unless you are quite staggeringly selfish?

wannaBe · 10/02/2010 22:08

xposts with expat

Fleegle · 10/02/2010 22:10

Faddle- none of us can help the way we feel. I don't think you are being completely unreasonable (for what it's worth!), but I do think attemting to obtain this on the NHS is pretty hopeless.

Look into it privately or other options and I hope it goes well for you.

Original poster
faddle · 10/02/2010 22:16

Expat, I'm not sure what I am flinging at you? you made a comment which offended me, and I responded. You are the one flinging insults, I only asked that you not belittle my feelings and explained which of your comments I found upsetting.
I think we should just leave this here - I will try not to offend you in future.

OP posts:
ClaireDeLoon · 10/02/2010 22:17

'I was making the point that just because I happen to have 2 children, does not mean that my wanting another child is any less devastating to me personally than to someone unable to conceive their first.'

I've been trying for 2 and a half years to conceive my first with nothing but two mc's to show for it. DP and I are facing up to the fact that now it's unlikely we'll ever be parents. That is devastating.

YABVU expecting the NHS to pay for this.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/02/2010 22:20

op - reading through again it seems to me that you maybe havnt got over the loss of your 3rd child - have you had any counselling about the MC?

maybe your trying to fill a hole that was left following your MC? did you feel guilty about that because at the time you didnt want a third?

if i were you, instead of focusing on something you may not be able to get, id go back to your gp and ask about counselling to perhaps lay you MC to rest and be at peace with it. seems to me you havent gotten over that deep down, hence the longing now to have another child?

moondog · 10/02/2010 22:21

Unbelievable.
Absolutely unbelievable.
Does anyone take personal responsibility for anything these days?

Faddle, I'd love to give you a boot up the arse and shake you until your teeth rattle, I really would.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2010 22:22

Oh, please, faddle.

I know wannabe, among others on this board who can't have a second. At all. For reasons beyond their control.

And more on here who can't conceive one at all.

And so I stand up and say it's wrong to compare oneself with people who've been through that.

And it's offensive to do so.

People who have one already get no help on the NHS to conceive a second, and they were not sterilised by choice.

Until the day it happens that these people, and those who cannot conceive a first at all, are put at the front of the queue for help, then I think YABU.

Original poster
faddle · 10/02/2010 22:23

Moondog, thanks for that, but if you would just like to wait behind the others, I think theres a queue.

If anyone has been reading my earlier posts, I kind of said that your replies have made me rethink and actually, yes, I can see I am being bloody unreasonable.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/02/2010 22:24

I take that back! It's wrong, they do get help, as they should, but not when they've had themselves sterilised.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/02/2010 22:32

i can understand why people dont think the OP should be aided via the nhs, but peoples feelings are not always black and white. i think the OP has got the message now. i had trouble conceiving my second, but at the time even though i had one (special needs) child and your head says you should be thankful for what you have, your heart can say differently, cant it.

i think people are missing the fact that the OP had a MC and rushed into a decision soon after. OP i am sorry for you, and your getting a hard time on here. go back and see you gp, i think you need to examine your reasons for longing for another child. good luck whatever you decide.

Quattrocento · 10/02/2010 22:33

I'm feeling sorry for the OP, who has after all recanted

Can we stop the stoning now?

expatinscotland · 10/02/2010 22:34

How is it stoning to suggest the NHS doesn't pay for this, Quattro?

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/02/2010 22:35

i get the feeling the OP is paying for everyone elses frustrations on this thread, agree with quattro, leave off now eh?

Malificence · 10/02/2010 22:35

My DH and I were thoroughly questioned before his NHS vasectomy went ahead last summer - I found it irritating as a 40 something couple married for a quarter of a century with a grown up DD to be asked if we were "certain", but I understand it was necessary for the doctor to satisfy himself as we were using NHS resources, this was after we had both seen our GP to ask for referral.

Anyone who goes down the route of permanent sterilisation realises the implications, the forms you have to both sign
state those implications explicitly.

You have to live with the choices you make in life, lots of people have to live with their mistakes.

moondog · 10/02/2010 22:39

As an NHS employee who sees precious resources squandered daily by thoughtless people, you could say, yes, that she is paying for other people's frustrations.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/02/2010 22:46

moondog at the min i also work for the NHS - soon to be going into the police however, - i see how much money is wasted - but how much money is used up on smokers or drinkers or drug abusers? the OP simply asked about a vasectomy reversal and concluded she was unreasonable to ask for it on the nhs - thats good enough for me. she also has had a MC that everyone is very happy to gloss over in the interests of a good public flogging. i said early on that she was being unreasonable but so are a good few people on this thread.

Rollmops · 11/02/2010 09:21

Quote faddle:
"I was making the point that just because I happen to have 2 children, does not mean that my wanting another child is any less devastating to me personally than to someone unable to conceive their first. "
Do you REALLY have to ask such idiotic question?
Woman, stop blaming others, take responsibility for your actions and get on with your life.
The world does not owe you a thing.
Good grief!

Rollmops · 11/02/2010 09:26

Just in case you didn't understand, yes, it's less devastating as you have two children. Take the best care of them, love them and give them the very best education, show them the world and enjoy your life.
And stop whingeing.

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