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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go and see dd's teacher about this?

119 replies

emkana · 08/02/2010 22:51

dd1 is in Year 4, nearly nine years old.

She works very hard, every day. On the class behaviour chart she is always on silver or gold ( equalling good or excellent behaviour).

Yet she has not yet been made "star of the week", when all the naughty and badly behaved children have had this award already.

She's getting really downhearted about it, and it makes me so sad to see it.

I know that this has been discussed before on here, and I know the arguments along the lines of "some of these children get nothing good ever in their life so an award like this means so much more to them"

But in fact it means a lot to my dd as well. And it just doesn't seem fair. So should I go in and see the teacher?

OP posts:
crumpet · 09/02/2010 12:29

Have you got parent's evening coming up at all? Maybe worth mentioning then as an aside.

pinktortoise · 09/02/2010 13:27

I don't think you ABU.
Have had this recently with DS Yr 2. Every Friday came out with X and Y are stars of the week..maybe one day it will be me..Then goes on at length about how he has practised his targets, done well in his spelling, sat still on carpet etc etc. Was just getting to stage where he was thinking what more can I do and seeing no point in trying hard / behaving.
I kept saying well done am sure it will be you soon...
Then realised some people had been it 2 or 3 times! Naughty or well behaved surely everyone at this age has something that can be praised.
Realised teachers are like all other people and sometimes are not particularly nice or fair or have definate favourites. Anyway when I was collecting DS's things the other day I just casually asked what you have to do to be star of the week ...teacher maintained it was just a lucky dip of people who had stars.
Last week DS came out so proudly with his star of the week sticker....

nannynobnobs · 09/02/2010 14:13

DD1's infant school would give out 'headteacher's awards' to children who had done something worth recognition. There wasn't one a week, there could be two, three, five, whatever, for the whole school.
DD1 got around five of them over the three years she was there- one of them was for sitting nicely on the carpet, she is a right fidget arse! They could be for writing a funny story, being kind to somebody hurt in the playground, running fastest in PE, that sort of thing. Even the naughty kids could get something right then.
Now she's in primary they have the house system so they all work together as a class for house points. No 'best of the week' system and less stress for parents!

Adair · 09/02/2010 14:19

nannynobnobs, sounds lovely. And much more appropriate.

LilyBolero · 09/02/2010 14:31

I think it can be hard on the 'good' children. Especially when they are told that 'XYZ has got the star because they sat really nicely at story time' and they know that they ALWAYS sit nicely.

However, I think it's worth explaining (and at Y4 they should grasp this) that different people find different things tricky, and that what one person is rewarded for another may not be.

If she is really bothered, then my plan would be to tell her to ask the teacher what she needs to work hard at to get a prize. Then the teacher has the opportunity to give her a target, or to have his/her memory jogged!!! I definitely wouldn't go in!

minipie · 09/02/2010 15:18

Agree with the posters above who say best to explain to your DD that some people find it harder to behave than others, so they get a star to encourage them to make an extra special effort.

This will continue to happen so it's best she gets used to it and understands why it happens. I remember at senior school those who found school work harder used to get A+ for work that those of us at the top of the class would have got a B- for. But they had tried harder.

CherylsLeftCashley · 09/02/2010 15:44

I hate these awards. It's complete bollocks.

My DS is academically way ahead of the class, but never wins anything because he isn't 'good' ie. he is noisy, talkative, not a great sharer, has to be told things twice before he does them etc.

The state education system seems to have gone mad on rewarding children for being good little girls and boys who don't give the teachers too hard a job, sharing and caring....sod who's actually learning something useful!

LilyBolero · 09/02/2010 15:56

I know one or two educational professionals who are totally opposed to the idea of stickers. Partly for this very reason, that children can suss out the system and be 'bad' for a bit so that they get a sticker when they start being good. Partly because of the feelings of unfairness engendered. But mainly because they feel that doing something 'to get a sticker' isn't a good motivation, and they should learn to value learning and behaviour for its own sake, because self-motivation is the best sort.

I'm not totally convinced, but it does mean a child can always be proud if they think they've done something well, even if the teacher hasn't spotted it, or chosen to reward with something as arbitrary as a sticker.

Hullygully · 09/02/2010 15:59

Just tell her the truth: that it's a load of old bollocks and simply handed out on a rota system. (Modify language as you see fit.)

The truth will set you free.

Adair · 09/02/2010 16:08
Grin
thedollyridesout · 09/02/2010 16:11

I'm with Hullygully. And whilst you are at it, tell her that she is your 'Star of the Week' every week.

thedollyridesout · 09/02/2010 16:14

This thread reminds me of when DS got a sticker at lunch time for eating a mushroom. He loves mushrooms .

spiderpig8 · 09/02/2010 16:18

My DD2 in reception commented this week that 'O' had had star of the day 2 days running for being naughty in the morning and good in the afternoon.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/02/2010 16:39

Yes just tell her the truth. That is the best way of doing it. Although then she might tell the winners

Don't have a child this age myself, but I know what I'm like, and if it were me working my tits off week after week and never having it acknowledged I would simply stop trying.

Not a great personality trait but a fairly common one. Some people work harder in situations like this, some decide enough is enough and jack it in. I can't see how this approach is helpful across the board TBH.

Hullygully · 09/02/2010 16:44

I think the most bewildering and frustrating thing for kids is operating in a system that they know is a nonsense and patently unfair while all the adults prop it up because their lives and experiences are then inauthentic.

If you explain the system and the reasons for it, they can usually handle it and work with it.

Tell the truth and shame the devil.

WeddingDaze · 09/02/2010 16:51

Completly agree HG i'm all for backing the school etc etc, but when they are lying to the children and the children know they are lying what is that teaching them?

Goblinchild · 09/02/2010 17:00

I keep a tick list of awards and COTW, with a little note about what they got it for. So I can make sure that everyone has a turn for something, and then the award means something. Otherwise it might just as well be the Behaviour Award for the Bad, or the tries Hard Award for the Terminally Dim. If everyone strives for it, then its value increases in everyone's eyes. I print 30 certificates at the beginning of the term and write the names in fancy calligraphy. They all know that I want to award them a certificate, and it is up to them to give me a reason. I've never been unable to use them all up before starting the next set.

5Foot5 · 09/02/2010 17:01

I know where you are coming from. At primary DD was one of the brighter, well behaved kids and rarely got the certificate. One week when she did get it it was because she got hit in the face by a football really hard in PE and, although it brought tears to her eyes, she carried on without making a fuss. Teacher gave her it for being brave!

I would be more concerned actually about the project work that hasn't been marked. When a kid works really hard on something like that it is discouraging if they don't get feedback. That happened to DD twice in year 7 when she had spent hours on project work. I know the teachers have a lot to mark but why set a large project if they aren't going to have the time to look at it?

No, I wouldn't go in to school specially but I would be tempted at the next parents evening.

Openbook · 09/02/2010 17:04

Go and have a quiet word.

clam · 09/02/2010 17:07

What would you say when "having a word" with the teacher? My child hasn't got an award. Why not? So, the teacher gives her one next week to shut you up please your daughter. You going to feel any better about it, as she's clearly had one for the sake of it?
Leave it.

airbrushedSteel · 09/02/2010 17:15

I would be worrying about any child working hard in the hope of getting prizes tbh. It's a variation on working hard to get someone's approval. That has its place in life obviously but any good clever child who works well to that system is going to struggle later on when they need self motivation.

Openbook · 09/02/2010 17:16

This is to make the child feel better not the mum. I overlooked a child on one occasion and didn't really mind the mum saying - i hate to mention this but is there any reason why .... hasn't had the class award yet, she's beginning to feel quite bad about it. I gave the award the next week, the child glowed and there was no problem. If mum is deluded about the child's worthiness then again it needs to be talked about but i bet the teacher has just not monitored it closely enough and might feel a bit guilty and defensive possibly but will probably give the award fairly peomptly if it's deserved.

stupidgreatgrinonmyface · 09/02/2010 17:21

I think this is very unfair. As much as it may be used to motivate children with poor behaviour/listening skills/work ethic or whatever, it could actually de-motivate those like the OPs DD who manage to sit/work hard/listen/behave well most or all of the time. Just because they are able to achieve the desired behaviour, doesn't mean they necessarily find it any easier that those who don't achieve it. it just means that they try hard, consistently rather than every now and again. I am afraid I only award stickers/stars etc to children who have tried hard during our time together. I see so many children who are generally well behaved and hard working who are fed up that the one occasion when Johnny manages not to kick Jane or the one time Johnny actually bothers to attempt any work gets rewarded whereas their consistent good behaviour and effort is ignored. As adults we are able to understand that life is sometimes not fair, but for a child it is not so easy.

Would I go in especially about this? I'm not sure, but I would mention it if I was discussing the project issue.

There is often a misconception that children who are clever don't have to work hard, but actually, they do. They may find it easier to learn, but they still have to work at it, knowledge does not magically seep into their brains as they sleep, they have to make an effort, however big or small, to learn and retain the knowledge.

fartmeistergeneral · 09/02/2010 17:35

So what? Sorry if that sounds harsh. I don't believe that your child will be demotivated for the rest of her life if she doesn't get star of the week.

I remember being in my ds's classroom for an activity start morning and seeing a list of the whole class on the teacher's desk where she had marked who had and hadn't received the pupil of the week. The markings made it obvious she was going round the whole class.

Life is unfair. There are and will be bigger things in your child's life to actually worry about. Leave it. Your dd will achieve things in her near future which will make star of the week a distant memory.

Back off. Say 'never mind' and distract her every Friday with weekend talk.

ImSoNotTelling · 09/02/2010 17:37

airbrushed steel what do you suggest as a remedy for people who like to be praised?

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