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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to go and see dd's teacher about this?

119 replies

emkana · 08/02/2010 22:51

dd1 is in Year 4, nearly nine years old.

She works very hard, every day. On the class behaviour chart she is always on silver or gold ( equalling good or excellent behaviour).

Yet she has not yet been made "star of the week", when all the naughty and badly behaved children have had this award already.

She's getting really downhearted about it, and it makes me so sad to see it.

I know that this has been discussed before on here, and I know the arguments along the lines of "some of these children get nothing good ever in their life so an award like this means so much more to them"

But in fact it means a lot to my dd as well. And it just doesn't seem fair. So should I go in and see the teacher?

OP posts:

Goldberry · 09/02/2010 08:44

Haven't read whole thread, but know exactly where you're coming from. My dd (only 4.5) was howling the oter day, saying she never gets the 'teacher's award'. She says she always works hard, but nobody notices. I felt so sorry for her, while at the same time realising that it's hard for me to really know how hard she works compared with anyone else. As a teacher myself, I totally understand why it's often the naughtier children who end up getting the most praise because it's such an achievement when they do actually behave themselves. Unfortunately that doesn't make it any easier for the quiet, diligent kids to put up with. I just told her to keep working hard and that I was sure she'd be rewarded eventually.

Themasterandmargaritas · 09/02/2010 08:58

We don't have this at our school, but I can see how it might become upsetting for some children and parents.

Have you had parent's evening yet? If not then I suggest waiting until then, then mention that you are confused as to how the star of the week system works and operates. The teacher can then explain her methodology and you may understand more about why your dd hasn't yet got it.

I'm sure you could mention in dd's diary (?) that she mentioned her sticker chart was full and you were just following it up...

mumto2andnomore · 09/02/2010 09:48

I really wouldn't go in and complain, you will come across as being very precious. Then if she does get awarded it the following week you will know it was only because you went in ! Really you are making too big a deal of this, enjoy your daughter and move on.

Adair · 09/02/2010 09:49

Nickschick, I was agreeing with you!

(And know where you are coming from with the 'kicked gently' - I worked in a Pupil Referral Unit last!)

LEMprefersdogstocats · 09/02/2010 09:57

The stars are there as a motivational thing - there will be children who sruggle with concentration etc who need that extra bit of praise. I guess it is easy for the teachers to overlook the concienious ones.

You ARE being a bit precious, but why shouldn't you. Maybe mention it to her teacher, in a light hearted way. Trouble is, when you have a child who is good all the time then i suppose they have to be exceptional to get an extra reward.

Thinking on it, i dont like this way of doing things - we had HOUSEPOINTS when i was at school - i was in the yellow group We would have stars and black marks (catholic school what do you expect!) but it was never turned into a competition between individuals. The motivation then comes from supporting your team and not wanting to let the side down. I think individual praise should be more of a private thing - smileys on books etc.

Hulababy · 09/02/2010 09:59

They don't do tis at DD's school, although do have a formal prize day at the end of the year. Prize day is fine, they are given out for specific achevements, and DD knows that you can't win every year and there are only about 4 prizes per cass anyway. Every so often there are certificates handed out from teachers, but this is quite adhoc and related to something specific. Rest of the year it is house points - collected individually (you get a HT certificate in assembly when 100 is gained, etc) and they go to the house total oo. the house competition is by far the most competitive aspect of this, lol.

At the school (infants) I work at there is a celebration assembly every week with star of the week type certificates issued. ASnd yes, too often (IMO) they do go to the children who are in trouble most, etc. and not to the ones who ae always good and well behaved. The teacher I work wth is quite good at this though and does make it fair, so that both groups get the certificate - as well as those who are quite and just "get on" - IMO these are the ones most often forgotten.

piprabbit · 09/02/2010 10:04

I think that if adults decide to manage the behaviour of children by rewarding those who are good with a star, then it is also up to those adults to make damn sure that they adminsiter the scheme fairly.

It is wrong to tell a child as part of a class, if you do X or Y then you will get a reward, and then to not follow through on your half of the bargain when they achieve X or Y.

Well-behaved, bright children quickly learn that they will never be rewarded no matter how good they are. It undermines the teacher's authority (their word and reasoning can no longer be trusted) and demotivates the child.

Bah - must have put on my angry pants this morning.

gramercy · 09/02/2010 10:08

I believe recent studies have shown that all this praise and awarding of stickers is completely useless. Well, perhaps it did have some merit until the 'fairness' angle crept in and every child had to come out plastered in stickers.

It seems general policy that every child gets to be Star of the Week at some point. Therefore it is completely valueless as an award.

Like Cory, I thought your daughter was 4. But Year 4?! YABU! You can't mention this to the teacher in Year 4!!!

Original poster

emkana · 09/02/2010 10:11

dd is 8, nearly 9. Not too old IMO to want to have a turn at having the teacher's praise focused on her once in a while. Even secondary school pupils enjoy rewards and praises, and what about companies doing "employee of the month" type stuff? I think it's normal human behaviour to like being praised and made to feel special, regardless of age.

OP posts:

gramercy · 09/02/2010 10:13

Course.

But when I wasn't Employee of the Month I didn't notice my mum steaming in to bash the Managing Director with her brolly.

Lovecat · 09/02/2010 10:14

And I was so proud when DD brought her 'girl of the week' award home... having read this thread I now realise it's because she's a badly-behaved little swine who happened by pure chance to be sitting quietly for five minutes when the teacher's eye fell upon her....

Mind you, she won the award for religious education last year and I'm sure it's because she's the only Catholic in the class (Catholic girls' school) as it certainly wasn't for any interest in the subject!

Morloth · 09/02/2010 10:15

But what if it gets out that her Mum came to the school and talked to the teacher about her getting a reward? Kids are going to pounce on that...

dixiechick1975 · 09/02/2010 10:18

All this to come...daughter starts school in september

Takes me back to my dancing days when each year a girl would be picked to be girl of the year and given a big trophy on stage. I can remember the first couple of times hoping to win then just standing there year after year knowing it wouldn't be me or one of my friends. I would have been about 7-12.

The two girls who won Juliet and Rachel (see I can remember their names nearly 30 years later)had 'pushy' mums who helped out at dancing.

I can remember being upset not for me not winning but for my friend who had a serious heart condition and did well to be dancing full stop.

My mum never intervened and never said anything, nor would i have expected her to.

LadyThompson · 09/02/2010 10:20

Furthermore, whilst it is natural to want recognition, awards are not a 'right'.

Keepo · 09/02/2010 10:31

I agree that awards are not a "right" but lots of parents that I know have found that their kid has been missed out year after year.

Parents at our school have also noted that if you have been in to complian that for eg last week your child was pushed off the clibing frame and came home with a massive unreported (by school) bruise that that will be the week your child gets the award. It seems they often give them out to appease peed off parents.

Sassybeast · 09/02/2010 10:31

I think if it's affecting her, you have every right to flag it up to the teacher. Personally, I wouldn't be a teacher for all the tea in China but I don't think any teacher can object to you asking how the rewards system works in terms of ensuring none of the kids are left feeling unmotivated. Surely there is a danger that whislst all the attention is focused on the fact that Johnny sat on his arse for 5 minutes, other kids might think 'sod that - if I behave like a brat I might get noticed' This little girl is 8 - not 18. she's not asking to have gold stars printed on her forehead - she's a bit bewildered as to why she doesn't get any reward or recognition. And that would make me sad as a mum as well. It's not about being precious IMO.

LadyThompson · 09/02/2010 10:41

Look, I think these awards systems are grim and meaningless and are just used as a way to manipulate the kids.

But I think going in to say to the teacher "My child hasn't won and it's not fair" is childish and interfering. Does every kid need a 'prize' these days or else they feel cheated? Jeepers, no wonder society is as it is.

Sigur · 09/02/2010 10:42

Speaking from the teacher's point of view, awards are there to inspire and celebrate, I'm sure the teacher would be really sorry to hear this was having the opposite effect. But as other posters say, when you've got one award a week and all those children, some do have to wait. If someone does something special that week, they'll get it, if not then it's the turn of the 'always wonderfuls'. At my school we keep a record to ensure children like your daughter don't get missed and when we present their award we say "She could get one every week!". Please don't go gunning for her teacher, but do mention it next time there's an opportunity.

maryz · 09/02/2010 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LazyJourno · 09/02/2010 11:03

I hate these awards. Because there is no set criteria they are always going to be unfair -if you don't know what's required how are you going to do it? But in this instance you just have to suck it up.

Please do not go in. Yes, it is upsetting for your DD, but there are better ways you can help her. You can show her all of the people who have done great things but never won awards and ask her if it makes what they achieved any less because of it. You can give her her own award (ie after 5 gold weeks at school and 5 gold weeks at home, you go out for the day)

When she grows up she might be ranked based on her performance,depending what job she does. She might always be second and never win a prize but get a good pay rise each year instead/promoted. You can instill values in her to help her achieve this.

Help her to see what's really important. Someone who is self-motivated and who's sense of self is not solely based on the opinions of others will be more successful.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 09/02/2010 11:08

My son got star of the week 3 weeks running. I was so and proud but I am not concerned when he doesn't get it (hadn't noticed until now) but it does bug me that school is about targets now and not just teaching and progressing. DS has trouble with his writing and he could earn tree points if he writes neatly.

Keepo · 09/02/2010 11:36

I agree that to go in would be a bit weird.

How about gettng your dd to take a proactive approach. She could go to the teacher and say "what do i need to do to improve ? If I do that may i have star of the week ?" That way dd is in control.

mrsruffallo · 09/02/2010 11:39

I would mention it in a lighthearted way
There should be rota by which each child receive say, 2 gold star s a term. Maybe there has been a mix up.
Can you hang on until parents evening and then mention it casually as an aside?

canihavemypocketmoney · 09/02/2010 12:05

I have sympathy to an extent for you and dd, but in all honesty I think she's old enough to be encouraged by you to accept it.

Chandon · 09/02/2010 12:16

not all children get to be star of the week.

My DS1 (year 2 now!) has never been able to be good for a whole week, so he never got it and we know why (no serious issues, he´s just a daydreamer and often doesn´t do his work, just fiddles with his pencil...).

Some kids get it 3 or 4 times a year.

Now, DS2 is in year 1, and never got it either. He is very well behaved, enthusiastic and always tries. He is also very sweet and helpful to other children. The teacher seems to be very fond of him.

Yet, he never got to be star. yet.

I would not dream of going in and asking the teacher why, though!!!

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