To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

if you have developed pnd/ptsd by now? the baby is 3 weeks old! Of course it can still happen

I wish people would understand what homestart is all about and how it works, I also wish everyone knew about it and could benefit, I also wish more parents would volunteer so it was more available in every area

Not read the whole thread, but I have to disagree with the suggestion that if you haven't developed PND when your baby is 3 weeks old you are unlikely to.

I was diagnosed with PND 6 months after ds2 was born. I wasn't showing any signs at all at 3 weeks.

OP, if you feel you don't really need the help at the moment, maybe you could have another chat with the HV, explain your concerns and then she can then decide whether you need the help more than anyone else on her list.

In my case, I think I would have found having someone around to have the baby, even just for a short while a once a week, would have given me the space I needed and might have helped to prevent my PND.

Apologies if this has been said before, as I said, too tired to read the whole thread.

Cross posts with scaredoflove.

Ermm.. PND can develop at anytime within 18 months of giving birth.

I can only speak about HomeStart in my own area. The reason that it is not avaialble to everyone who perhaps might benefit is that it is a charitable organisation and in the current econimic climate, it is a constant struggle to find funding. There is often a waiting list.

I echo what Scareoflove has said in her post; think about volunteering, its only a few hours every week.

op, congrats on your new baby

I don't think you should use HS if you have a dh who is at home at night and a mum nearby who'd let you have a long shower if you ask her

surely surely there must be another new mum nearby without her mum around to help who could do with a HS volunteer more than you?

I just think wanting a long shower isn't exactly a need.

When you are overwhelmed, though, it is hard to think of what you would do with that 2 hours. I seriously doubt the OP is thinking of using 2 hours to take a LOONNNGGG shower every week. It is symbolic of "taking time to do something for me" which is a justified use of Homestart time.

The suffocation of having a child who can't be left unattended and 2 other little ones, is immense. I am so grateful to my homestart volunteer, who often end up being here 2.5 or even 3 hours till I end up shoving her out of the door.

McQueen I was in a very similar set-up, Mum was on hand for eight hours a day, beautiful house, nursery, cleaner etc.

NCT friends would pop over and we would drink tea and I would chat as if nothing was wrong. From the outside my life would have looked absolutely perfect. But I was falling apart.

I actually wanted to die and started a post on here stating just that. It took me a very long time to get right, two years.

Jeez, some of the posts here are just horrific! Some of you really need to check yourselves and to be honest there are a couple of you that ought to hang your heads in shame for being so nasty.

We can express ourselves, to disagree, even strongly with an OP, but there is never any call for name calling or personal attacks. It's not big and it's certainly NOT clever.

OP, I'm sure the home start coordinator will assess you, but you do have 'previous' as it were and FGS, are still not 100% following your pneumonia, let alone a birth in the last 3 weeks.

I'm glad you posted about this, seems like this is a service that many women don't know exists, but that could offer some kind of respite.

OP, trust the HV, trust the coordinator, if they decide you don't need it, they won't set it up for you.

With what you described, fwiw, i think it sounds to me that you could use a hand for a little while.

OP - do as you think and outline the circumstances to the HS person and let them make the decision.

Moondog and Theelephant - I get where you're coming from a bit. I'm a 'coper' or 'martyr' but not everyone is. Your comments on this thread have been rather mean.

I think you are being thoughtful and a bit self conscious about your needs.

Just take the help. You might be surprised how much it helps you - mentally.

If it does translate into only a long shower per week just drop it then.

I doubt it though..Your family situation reminds me of my own years ago...you're coping because you have to...a little extra help will work wonders for your mental health.

Social and health resources are for all members of the population, not just for the poor.

Some of the reactions to the OP on this thread are truly shocking.

To all those posters saying that they were in far worse situations and had to cope, isn't it a good thing that someone has recognised this as an issue and started this scheme, so that now parents don't have to "just cope"? Isn't it good that whilst you may have struggled, people don't always need to any more? The OP has 3 young children, a history of mental illness, is recovering from a c-section AND has recently had swine flu/pneumonia. Isn't it a good thing that she is being looked after, just in case?

OP, as many others have said, speak the co-ordinator if you are concerned, but I'm sure if they had other families with more serious needs waiting, then they would not have offered you a volunteer. If you find after a few weeks it's no longer needed, then just let them know. You can give back later down the line with a donation and/or becoming a volunteer yourself if you want to.

well personally based on your original post Iw would say you should not use one. Maybe I am jealous though as I waited for a year for one when I had PND and anxiety and couldnt leave the house alone without crying/panic attcks etc - so didnt leave the hosue fo about 18 months other than a few times on saturday. I also had no help from family since I have none to help and could never afford to pay help.

as I say I wouldnt as they are meant for people who actually need the help.

My dd is 6, she tidies her own room & has for some time!

My friend was in a v similar position to you. Kids same age etc. She was severely depressed & had a mini breakdown. But she wasn't dx this at the time.

We all rallied around. Her mum, me & her dh, when he wasn't on shifts. I took the eldest to school & had her for play dates, her dh took middle child to child care when he could, her mum did it when he couldn't, this was probably as often as your middle on goes to playgroup.

Her mum came around & took the elder 2 on Saturdays (hubby worked sat), or if she couldn't I'd take eldest.

She had no cleaner, he dh did what he had to when he got home or on his day off.

She had a quick shower while he was at home. Sometime she would have one while baby slept or just while she cried. She was not a settled baby.

I don't think we have anything like sure start here, (Oz) so it was up to friends & family to help her through it & we did.

She is fighting fit now, 8 months on! You cope, you have to. I don't think you need to use vital, low resources. Some one needs it more.

I just hope that the OP doesn't refuse the offer of homestart help based on the horrible responses on this thread. How awful would it be if someone vulnerable to PND and post illness recovery didn't get the support that would have meant the difference between avoiding PND or spiraling into depression that could linger for years.

I had PND with DD2, it wasn't diagnosed until she was 2 There are no PND rules - it affects everyone. It is probably picked up MORE in middle class mums with no other life problems at the time - those are the mums who feel awful for no tangible reason(doesn't make those feelings any less shit, in a way, its almost worse). I had lots going on, bereavement, illness, debt worries - which is why i think my PND was missed, that and a USELESS HV, who when sent to my house on request of my doctor - sat in my house telling me to spend a day "say a sunday, doing a major cook up and then i can microwave beef beurgenion when i feel overwhelmed" FFS stupid cow. I was self harming and tried to kill my DP and she was telling me to spend the one day a week DP was home cooking I think she took one look at the state of my house and thought that the practicalities were what were getting me down - no, the house is always a mess, always has been, im a messy cow and i DONT CARE. But she just went on about keeping the sink clean (IT WAS!) And cooking marathons - twat.

I digress - HAD i been given adequate support at the begining,maybe i wouldnt still be on medication four years later. I was too proud to ask for help.

OP don't take any notice of the idiots on this thread who think there are more deserving people than you, small minded bigotry springs to mind.

foxytocin - are you a psychologist? Have you ever had PND? how the hell do you know when someone is going to develop PND - in fact, most PND only begins to surface WEEKS, even months after the birth.

Yeah right, the OP will be able to have a really relaxing shower with her DD in a bouncer, possibly crying after two minutes - dozy mare.

Good message Different.
What alrms me is the assumption that the state and/or voluntary sector have some sort of obligation to you.
What happened to the quaint concept of fammily, friends and gosh yes, even the father putting some time and effort in to help a struggling mother? Alternatively, if you have them money, prioritise and pay for some help (even if that means the reiki has to be put on hold for a while).

I don't deny that it is hard being a paprent, but this is a choice we make.Many women with no money or few friends do struggle even more than most and having something available to them is the mark of a civilised society.

But having someone come to mind your baby while your clip your toe nails???

I cope and if I didn't I would do one of several things

1. Ask fmaily and friends for help
2. Pay for some help
3. Reprioritise

This is what 12 years of a
Labour governemt have done. Creating a nation of people who spend a great deal of time whingeing about a lack of 'support'.

Thanks moondog.

I missed that my friend also had a c section. So that hindered her too.

moondog, you seem like you are always there ready to jump on people who are not coping in a way that fits your image of how people should be.

PND is an ILLNESS - but you would have these women "pulling themselves together" its a very dismissive approach.

Do you really think that the OPs main motivation is time for a long shower - its about headspace and emotional support - yeah, a nanny will get you the headspace but she wont be an emotional support.

Not everyone has a supportive family. I couldn't have asked my mum for support, she would have made it worse - she is just around the corner - some people live miles from family and PND is a very isolating (ILLNESS - i repeat in capitals because you don't seem to get it). Even with the best will in the world the family is often too involved to provide the sort of support women with PND need. Someone who has potentially been through similar and understands the total irrationality of it is far more equipped.

I remember when i went to a homestart group thinking, blimey, i shouldnt be here - my mum helps out, i am "coping" practically with my child, my DP is amazing and looks out for me - The OP sounds very much like i did - wanting to make the resource available to someonem who really needed it. It was my lifeline when i was ILL.

Take the help if it's there! The very fact that you're questioning it means that you feel that perhaps you DO need the help.

Ignore the insipid comments. Just because you have a "fortunate" lifestyle doesn't mean you're less of a person.

Moondog, where did the OP 'whinge' about lack of support? Time to come off your soapbox now, I reckon

Shame not everyone's as perfect as you, hey? I also particularly liked your comment further down about how hopeless woman are. Very nice .

Moondog what a self-satisfied person you are