To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

pnd is a pernicious illness,it doesnt favourably exclude because one has cleaner/big house.in fact material trappings offer no protection,but can add to prejudice. misplaced belief if you are comfortably off you have no reason to complain

some really shocking views expressed here

i had a homestart volunteer and she was lovely and although she never looked after ds she was there to talk to and moan at!!! i am shocked how some people think that just because you have a cleaner that you cant have help. if people had have read the post properly they maybe wouldnt have such stupid views.
moondog do u actually live on planet earth? arent there some small puppies you can drown somewhere?

" 12 years of a labour goverment" fuck off

homestart is a voluntary service set up to help people in EXACTLY the sort of situations you are in. they keep people off the at risk register, not just help people who are already on it.
do NOT feel guilty. accept the help you are given. and once you honestly no longer require it, then give back to society in some way, thereby repaying the kindness of the people who are helping you right now.

i was in a similar situation many moons ago, and my hv reffeerrred me to a similar place and it did wonders for me and my children. michelle obama said her greatest acheivement of the last year is that her children are sane. that is what you are trying to acheive. good luck with it, and dont let other people envy or small minededness stop you from getting the help you need.

Simon, you need to refer to your dictionary to check out the meaning of 'insipid'.

Meanwhile carry on self combusting in righteous indignation.
Hoist to yer own petards and all that.

'dont let other people envy or small minededness stop you from getting the help you need.'

To some extent, I agree with Moondog and TheElephant.

OP is not getting the help she needs, she is getting the help she wants - and (rightly) wondering if she is squandering resources that should be saved for those who have no support and/or are truly desperate.

Bathsheba, your HV simply would not have referred you if you weren't eligible or deserving. Please accept the help and make the most of it so that you can adjust to your 3rd baby happily and with as little stress as possible.

To all the rest of you who are being so shockingly judgmental:-

PND is a horrible illness that can affect your ability to think straight, function properly and parent effectively and safely - any plan to prevent it's re-occurence is just common sense.

PTSD is an illness that can last for years

Any mental health issues can be retriggered under the wrong circumstances and under enough pressure

Recovering from a C section with 3 kids is incredibly hard, partularly when you have a weakened immune system due to the swine flu/pneumonia.

Having a parent nearby doesn't mean that that parent is either understanding or helpful when it comes to mental health issues.

Having a partner doesn't mean that that partner is either understanding or helpful when it comes to mental health issues

Being able to pay for a cleaner does not make you rich

Wanting some time alone so that you don't get toddler/baby cabin fever when you have 2 young children and a newborn is sensible, not a crime

If you are able to get some support to help with the above, and prevent further episodes of mental illness, it makes you a better parent, not a spoilt brat

Could somebody please explain to me what all of the above has to do with money or class????? This thread seems to be shot through with equal amounts of sheer ignorance and jealousy!

Bathsheba, I have walked in your shoes and I reiterate, please take the help.

She has been offered help by the health visitor who has met the OP in REAL LIFE. She has not taken help from someone more needy.

I am reasonably well off. I live in a lovely house and my husband has a good job. I have not needed or wanted homestart, but my health visitor has kept an eye on my mental health. My children are well looked after and as a family we are not for want of anything.

With my son I had severe postnatal depression because I did not seek help sooner. I ended up quite severely ill and needed a CPN. My health visitor was keen to spot any possible signs of postnatal depression before it got so far. The health visitor came out and did the Edinburgh questionaire with me at 8 weeks and 8 months. I have had mild anxiety this time, but largely I have escaped postnatal depression.

If the mother is healthy then the children will be healthy.

Maybe I should be ashamed of taking away resources from someone more needy.

How on earth is the OP "squandering resources"?

This is just laughable, some of you should direct your vitriol to those who actually are working the system, you don't have a clue.

i work for home-start.

i can tell you that you will only get a volunteer for a short period. usually reviewed after 3 months with a view to withdraw help after 6.

the volunteer will not do housework or anything like that but she will be able to offer you some support. she could watch the children whilst you shower or tidy yourself.

if you feel you don't have a need for a volunteer then by all means dont accept but i can assure you the co ordinator willnot be offering you a volunteer unless she believes you should have one.
volunteers are in high demand, we always have to turn families away because we simply dont have the volunteers to go and visit.

If you are offered help then you dont need to question your deserving, just whether you would like the help.

and in response to some of the comments here, home start is not a house cleaning or babysitting service. it is designed to offer volunteers to play the role a good friend usually would. so all those things you would usually excpet a good friend to do - sit and chat over coffee, watch the baby while you cook dinner, go with you to toddler group, help take the children to the park etc. that is waht they are there for.
they certainly shouldnt be considered another member of "staff"

'home start is not a house cleaning or babysitting service. it is designed to offer volunteers to play the role a good friend usually would. so all those things you would usually excpet a good friend to do - sit and chat over coffee, watch the baby while you cook dinner, go with you to toddler group, help take the children to the park etc. that is waht they are there for.'

Yes, this illustrates my point beuatifully.
What the hell happened to friendship or the concept of a family being there to help you out??

When did that disappear into the ether?

By offering a service which replicates that which used to be considered an integral part of a community , the powers that be reinforce the impression it is something you are entitled to, something to expect from the state rather like street lights or schools.

I have lived in many countries where the idea that the state or voluntary sector pick up the reins is a source of great hilarity and/or utter mystification.

I have worked for homestart in the past and they should not be there to help in cases when children are at risk, they were set up to help women who struggle in "average" families. It has not panned out that way due to the fact that social services are overstretched.

I worked with familes in a range of different economic circumstances.

I had a volunteer myself despite having a high income, a cleaner and countless other luxuries. I made light of the situation and said she came round because I wanted a long shower etc, she was in fact a life line.

You just need to be honest with the coordinator who can meet you and give an honest informed decision.

moonie, wouldnt it be wonderful if we all had the friendship and family support you obviously enjoy

from personal experience i know that isnt the case. the op should take the help she is being offered.

also, bathsheba, once you are in a better place yourself, then you can give back, by becoming a volunteer yourself.

I misread the OP's initial post and thought she had a 3 mo old. So I take some of it back. While she had PND & PTSD before, it doesn't necessarily follow that she is not coping now. The OP hasn't said in her first few posts if she is exhibiting symptoms of either of these so I take it that she isn't.

The people who have commented that the HS manager will assess her and assign her a volunteer (or not) depending on her need and HS's ability to help are right.

If it turns out that she has some form of depression and/or stress and not coping well, especially if she has a history of mental illness before having any children, then she deserves some intervention before it becomes worse. and by all means HS can be a place to get help. However I dont' think the system could function at all if we all were offered and accepted help based on previous PND or PTSD.

If it turns out she doesn't get a volunteer, it may actually be a good thing. It will hopefully show that she is doing well, though possibly finding it tough at first. It will give her an opportunity to find out how to empower herself by discovering the depths of her self reliance and where her strengths lie.

For the person who asked, no I am not a psychologist but I am sure you figured that out before you asked the question. Are you one? I didn't realise I came into AIBU to fight you or anyone else. I thought I came her to give my opinion.

Since you asked, yes, I have suffered PND for over a year and PTSD. Because of personal family circumstances, I've been incredibly isolated while incapacitated with SPD with which I'm still suffering over a year after childbirth. The full effect of my PTSD didn't hit me I till I became pg 3 yrs after dd1 and became antenally depressed. The thought of going into labour in a hospital gave me panic attacks and still makes me phobic.
But I have a feeling you will think I still have no place to pass a comment which disagrees with your world view.

op, can I ask, doesn't your dh help out?

can't you take a long shower once he comes in the door?

I think the fact that you yourself are questioning whether you actually need the HS volunteer is an idicator that really you don't.

Where ever it is you are, there must be women with new babies who don't have the dh and the mum to help out and would really use a HS volunteer as a life line, not as an excuse for some extra pampering. I realise that sounds nasty but I can't find an another way of putting it.

OP, sounds like you could use the help, so take it if it's being offered. If you truly still feel guilty, you could always make a donation (Homestart is a charity, not a Government organisation) based on what you might have paid someone per hour to help you out.

original.justgiving.com/process/whitelabel/?_WhiteLabelId=1106

I don't think the OP has a sense of entitlement at all. Quite the opposite, she is clearly feeling guilty she might use up a valuable limited resource.

OP - meet the co-ordinator and be honest, about your past, how things were when your HV referred you and how you feel now. Let her decide whether you need the service or not. If you do get a volunteer then don't feel guilty about it - it took me a long time to accept that we needed the help we get from the state - and we now get a lot and will do for many years - but now I can also see how much it benefits the family and enables us to cope. It's hard to access these services - you won't be offered it unless you have a genuine need.

Actually the help we get doesn't enable us to cope - we would cope without it because you have to don't you - but help has made a big difference and benefits the kids a lot. I think it's sometimes hard to accept you deserve help if you are not at crisis point but my SW said she believes in prevention and helping before familes are at crisis. I think this is sensible but often hard to access.

It takes a long time to get over pneumonia ime. If you aren't firing on all cylinders yet make sure you mention that to the co-ordinator.

the op didn't self refer,she was referred by HV.Ax undertaken and hv made a clinical decision based upon presentation,specific circumstances,mitigating factors,etc.in fact things we know nothing about because we Are not involved

I'm imagine the OP's family pays its taxes - probably quite a lot of tax, given that she seems to have quite a comfortable life.

The OP is therefore just as entitled to anyone else to use tax funded health and social services.

In the UK, tax funded assistance is not just reserved for the poorest citizens.

Home-start is a charity. It has nothing to do with social services other than occasionally workiong with families that SS refer to us.

all families are prioritised in need and therefore they are matched with a volunteer when they are deemed the most urgent case at the time when a volunteer comes available.

you wouldn't be offered a volunteer unless it was thought that A) you couldbenefit from having one B) there was a volunteer available and C) that there was no other family in a more urgent need of assistance.

how much tax you pay has sod all to do with it.

You can be a charity and still financed by government! I thought Home Start was largely funded by lottery grants and matching funds from state sources. Forgive me if I am wrong.

take the help. it may well save you from being poorly again. I had a serious injury when pg and although more or less recovered when ds born and had done the worst of looking after two year old whilst non weight bearing, it had taken its toll and I think my reserves had been used up dealing with injury leaving little for baby. Has taken a long time to feel sorted again. I would have loved the help and I think you should take it too.

we are funded by whichever means we are able to source money from!

mostly that is lottery grants yes.

each homestart project self fund 60% so they have to do their own fundraising.

Im not aware of any government funding but im not treasurer and must admit not reading the annual budget very closely.