To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

Bloody hell, it's like the Four Yorkshiremen on here...

...I coped alone with 15 children under three, no cleaner (in fact someone was paid to come round and mess up my house), lumbego, temporary paralysis, blindness in one eye, no hot water, no water, no house, and not even a boden catalogue for comfort.

You were lucky.

propensity to mental illness may remain but pnd can and does resolve.it is v treatable

It is possible to avoid postnatal depression with the right support. Postnatal depression is very treatable, but its not nice. I had severe postnatal depression with my son and I lost the first two years of his life. I will never get those years back.

I have had anxiety with my daugher, but support from my health visitor has kept it in check.

If you get full blown severe postnatal depression you need a CPN, not homestart or a cleaner or a nanny.

If having a homestart volenteer can stop depression rearing its ugly head then I think its fair enough.

I had severe PND with DS1 and I did get better. Does the guilt ever go away? Not for me. From the outside I had it all (not as much as LeQueen ) but still had suicidal thoughts.

Bathseba - take the help that is on offer. Why not truly enjoy your baby?

actually multi-staff approach is useful and cost effective
cpn
sw
family support worker

individual ax dictates need of the mum,not size of her house or material trappings

"I had severe PND with DS1 and I did get better. Does the guilt ever go away? "

I think that guilt is a permament feature of motherhood. However it does stop being paralysising. I found that anti depressants stopped me being diliberated, This book is excellent.

www.amazon.co.uk/Brilliant-Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy-Improve/dp/0273724908

"Not for me. From the outside I had it all (not as much as LeQueen ) but still had suicidal thoughts."

There is a difference between being seriously suicidal and suicidal idealation. It depends whether you decide to let intrusive thoughts upset up. Are these thoughts volentary and are you in control of them.

I found it helped me to cope with them to think of random suicidal thoughts as being a bit like someone with tinitius. The thoughts are not my true thoughts and its just my brain playing tricks. If you don't like your brain playing tricks on you then anti depressants are very effective.

I have been supported by Homestart for 8 years now. At first in the beginning you wouldn't think I needd support as I had my own house with my then boyfriend, he worked and I was on maternity leave, we ad a car etc (no cleaner though lol although we had help frpm parents.

BUT I had mental health issue. I had PND with ds and it reared its ugly head with the birth od dd1.

I also self harm. There I've said it. This has been a problem since the age of 14 and it got particularly bad after dd1s birth and people got very worried about me like my hv and doc.

I ended up having a volunteer and then a few months later I went to homestart playgroup. But the kids were in a seperate creche with playworkers and the mums get to do arts and crafts, courses or sit and chill or fall asleep over a cup of coffe and cake..

I'm still there now and expecting my fourth baby and over the years I've become a single mum, homeless, suffered DA and I still self Harm.

I'm high priority for a new volunteer as my old one finished years ago but if it wasn't for homestart I wouldn't be here today.

It doesn't matter if your rich or poor, if you feel that you need that extra support go for it

sorry for the typos etc, I havejust got in from work, and I'm very tired

I had a wonderful volunteer come to my house when my 3 dc were babies. She was invaluable and I would definitely say accept the help if it is on offer.

Your HV obviously sees a need for it. It has nothing to do with how much money you have. This is a service that is not means-tested and is offered to families with a child/ren under 5 that may benefit.

I would say go for it. You have had pnd in the past and this is an obvious attempt from your HV of prevention being better than cure.

Do it!!

If you feel you need it do it.
I was offered one a few months back, but when she came, I knew her and also things had settled quite a lot. Like you, I work PT, DH works FT and we have 2 girls, we were offered one because of DH cancer and DD1s possible Autism, but I didnt feel right using one. However, seriously regret that choice, and should have swallowed my pride and agreed. Just because you seem to be coping on the outside, doesnt mean you truely are inside iyswim.

However, if you can afford someone like a mothers helper or you have family that can step in a little more ask them. These voluteers are golddust but there is no guidelines but if need them, use them.
HTH

absolutely right the ramifactions of pnd are long lasting even when the illness has resolved

Lisa get back in touch with Homestart and ask for a different volunteer. They will completely understand.

nah, im ok, just hoping we win tribnal for DLA for DD1 so i can give up work and all the stress that comes with it

Fingers crossed for you.

Depression in itself can never go away, PND is another form. I have had many days of depression. The rest of what I'd post I'd have to name change for.

I,m a mum of 2 aged 6 and 1, I have a wonderful husband who works long hours sometimes he has to spend the night away. I have no family support my side live 350miles away and I don't get on with my mother inlaw!! I have suffered depression since my daughter was born, just before xmas I was put on anti depressants, my doctoer and my HV are aware of my home circumstances but i've never been offered any extra support, I panick at the littest thing i.e having an appointment where I can't take baby who will look after her?, I haven't got what I call close friends I feel so alone sometimes. sounds to me you have had a hard time and it's great you've been offerd this service, I would love to have someone come in to my home and help me even if was just so I could go to the loo by myself for once lol

Fishing, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Please check Homestart's website to see if they operate in your area.

You do not need to be referred by your HV/GP you can contact them directly yourself.

It is very normal for a Homestart volunteer to help you with GP appointments, provide adult company or anything else you can think of really.

Why on earth isn't a Homestart service routinely offered to every family who have a disabled child? The stress is unbelievable and the sorrow can go on and on. Siblings can suffer so much too. The strain on the family is well-documented, yet these families don't seem to get automatic help.

This isn't to say you shouldn't take up this service if you want to Bathsheba - I would if I had been offered help. I am going off on a tangent as I had no idea Homestart volunteers existed and it is exactly the sort of thing families in crisis need. I don't know of any family with a SN child who hasn't been in crisis.

I join others in being dismayed by this thread. Moondog and theelephant - you in particular should be ashamed of yourselves.

This woman asked for opinions about a service which she has been referred to. She has a number of risk factors which make it pertinent to her and then it's up to her what she does with such help as is offered. In the past six months she has had a severe illness and a major operation. Her past medical history suggests that she may have on-going distress as a result of those traumatic life events. She is as entitled to support as anyone else and it's not about being hopeless. Does she actually have to fall apart before you would be happy for someone as middle class as her to receive help?

i think it really depends on how much you feel you need the help OP.

i was referred by my gp to homestart when i had my DD and i was absolutely horrified. i didnt have depression and i was coping just fine, but i had another child (DS who was 5 back then) with aspergers and a new baby with a milk allergy, no family support, i was young and i think she thought i needed help. i didnt. i was fine and i suppose i didnt take the offer in the spirit in which it was given. i was a bit offended i suppose, but i genuinely felt i didnt need it and the gp hadnt taken the time to find out anything about me.

if you feel you need the help then i would have no qualms about taking it. thats what homestart is for.
if you feel fine and able to cope then let someone else who isnt make use of the service. only you know how you feel OP. but it doesnt matter one jot what class you are - if you NEED the help and its there then i see no issue at all. why not let them do the first few visits and see how you feel? it would be a shame to turn it down because you feel you should if you genuinely need a helping hand.

YOu can put your NB in a bouncy chair in the bathroom with you and have a long shower while he sits in it.

you can tidy your dd's room with him in a sling.

If you haven't developed PND or PTSD by now, I doubt you will.

don't feel obligated to say 'yes' just because something is being offered.