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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

a follow on thread- sorry but im very upset over this

80 replies

elmofan · 03/02/2010 12:25

hi , i had a thread last week about my ds birthday trip with some of his friends to the cinema last Friday , one of the children invited was made take his dad along , very awkward but that's what happened , yesterday this child's mum rang me for a chat , its turns out this child has aspergers syndrome which i did not know of before , he has changed schools now so ds does not see him anymore , however she rang me to say that she thinks my son might also have Aspergers syndrome , she has told me that while helping out in my sons school last year (while her ds was in the school) she noticed that my son was very intelligent , & very interested in computers , just like her ds , she ask me what my ds's birth was like , what he was like as a baby & young child & did he ever have his tonsils out when i said yes he had his tonsils out when he was 6yrs old she said "oh now i am convinced he has Aspergers" (he's 11 now) she also knew that my son was tested for ADHD & ASD ETC when he was 6yrs old , i asked her how she knew this & she said there is a lot she would like to talk to me face to face about (i have never met her & the first time i ever spoke to her was last week to invite her ds along to the pictures)
WTF - i have not slept at all last night & am at her phoning me up like this . she wants my son to go over to her house for a play-date , there's no way i am comfortable with him going there as i think the only way she could have known about my sons testings is if she had seen his file in school , AIBU to be very upset that a stranger rang to tell me i need to have my son tested again - my son was already tested for all these conditions years ago & the results were all clear .
sorry this is so long

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/02/2010 12:28

no advice,but am shocked for you!!

possibly she picked this info up from school gossips in staff room,or like you said,saw his records

aspergers from having tonsils out....is there evidence to support this??

deliakate · 03/02/2010 12:32

If you think your son needs testing again, do it. But I would not talk to this lady face to face abut it. Definitely not.

As regards the play date, thats tricky. I would only want my son to go in this situation if she was able to promise beforehand not to do any 'evaluations' in any way, not to report back to you, just to let them play.

Original poster

elmofan · 03/02/2010 12:32

oh & sorry but she said she only ever spoke to my son once & that was when she used to walk into their school playground & see who her son was playing with , but apparently the principal saw her talking to my son & queried her as to what she was doing , my son is a very friendly , outgoing child , has lots of friends & i really cannot see why she thinks he might have Aspergers syndrome tbh

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/02/2010 12:34

elmo,if school havent said they are concerned then i wouldnt worry. maybe mention this to a teacher?

bluenosebear · 03/02/2010 12:34

So being interested in computers and having tonsils out = aspergers? Odd how my DH has never been tested then! Am quite shocked for you, I realise helping out at school may mean she has seen your DS's file, but to ring you about them is outrageous!

If YOU are happy with your son, ignore. If YOU think there may be a possibility of aspergers do what you think is right, but this woman was BVU to call you and I'd consider letting the school know. YANBU for being upset - I'd be furious.

kerstina · 03/02/2010 12:36

She probably thinks she is being really helpful but is actually being the opposite.
I thought you were supposed to sign a confidentiality agreement so that you do not talk about children outside school.I think she is really out of order. In what capacity was she helping at the school?
Am sure the teachers are the best ones to speak to if you are concerned not this lady.

crockydoodle · 03/02/2010 12:36

It would worry me that she must have had access to your son's school records.
FWIW my son is very bright and had some tests with an educational psychologist too but I was told he was just very intelligent.
The tonsils thing makes me think she is a bit weird.

I would complain to the school about data protection issues.

itsmeolord · 03/02/2010 12:36

I would discretely cut all contact tbh.

I was a single parent to my daughter for a few years, when I was feeling very vulnerable a person that I knew told me she had noticed x y and z traights in my daughter which clearly meant she had the same condition as her dd and then told me she would speak to my gp for me as I was obviously in denial.
This went on for a little while before I told her to feck off. I then had the accusations of neglect etc.......

Some people are just odd. She sounds like one of those people and it is so not healthy to listen to her crap.

You know that your child does not have aspergers. Leave it as that and refuse to engage with this woman any more.

itsmeolord · 03/02/2010 12:37

traits ffs.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/02/2010 12:37

Bluenose, do we share a dh. Mine had his tonsils out years ago and developed an interest in IT about 20 years ago.
OP, the woman needs her bumps felt. I am not sure she should have had access to confidential records either.

littletree · 03/02/2010 12:37

Sounds like she is projecting her own issues with her son onto yours. Sometimes people can unhelpfully infer their opinions in this way- my sister (bless her and I love her very much) is an alcoholic (sober 10 years) and is heavily into AA. Every other person to her is an alcoholic. Every time she says so and so is definitely an alcoholic, I take it with a large pinch of salt.

This lady has (possibly helpfully in her mind) overstepped her boundaries. Is she a health professional? You know your son. She's seen him once or twice? Trust yourself.

squeaver · 03/02/2010 12:40

Good grief, she's nuts. Maybe she's struggling with her son's diagnosis and this is some (warped) way of dealing with it.

Just, politely, don't do the playdate.

Agree - speak to the school about confidentiality issues.

I think you know a lot more about your own child than some random who's never spoken to him.

Original poster

elmofan · 03/02/2010 12:41

thank you , I'm am sitting here crying as i type as i definitely do not think my son has any disorder , he was tested for ADHD because he was very hyperactive & frigidity in class when he was little , but he is so much more focused now & is doing really well in school , she told me that she often witnessed my son walking around alone at break time ( yes he did sometimes last year as he was getting bullied at that time) but has plenty of friends now , this was heartbreaking for me to hear & i am very upset & annoyed ,
deliakate that is exactly what i am afraid she will try & do = evaluate my son while he is in her house

OP posts:

pranma · 03/02/2010 12:42

Really I am afraid that this lady may be trying to latch on to your bright,happy child as a friend for her less socially adept ds.I would be appalled that she had had access to your sons records and would steer well clear of her and her child unless your ds is anxious to have the other boy as a friend.I would just say,'Sorry we are busy,'whenever she asks.

4kidsandlovingit · 03/02/2010 12:44

Who does she think she is? I am fuming for you. No matter what her position may or may not have been in the school she has no right to speak to you about things that took place in confidence so long ago.

Maybe I like many other parents on here whos childrens are into computers etc need to have our kids checked out. What a load of shit.

Personally she sounds like a complete nutter (I read your other post aswell) are you sure she hasn`t got some form of Munchhowsens sp? by proxy?

I wouldn`t be sending my son anywhere near her house. He has never been there and you have only spoken to her once and now she has formed this opinion (no medical evidence to back it up) she wants your son to go there on a play date? That is no play date she has planned. I would stay well clear of her.

littletree · 03/02/2010 12:46

Agree totally with others- wouldn't let ds go anywhere near her!

Original poster

elmofan · 03/02/2010 12:49

thank you all so much , she used to help out in the schools childrens library once a week, thats all .

OP posts:

doubleinstructions · 03/02/2010 12:50

I'd be furious with her and would definitely not have the playdate (would be paranoid she was sizing him up?)
I would mention the call to yours ds teacher and just avoid this woman in future.

pagwatch · 03/02/2010 12:51

Ummm

The issue of confidentiallity and her dreadful attempts to discuss this with you are bad. She should not be discussingthese issues with you or anyone else and I can understand OPs annoyance

But can I say that the suggestion of aspergers is not and OMG and [how TERRIBLE}
Aspergers is not the equivalent of asking if OPs son was a social degenerate or an axe murderer.
And wondering if the woman wants 'bright happy friend for her socially inept son' is...well pretty mean really.

I would tell her these issues are private and i would steer clear - her behaviour was totally wrong.
But suggesting a child may have traits of aspergers is being treated on here as shameful and terrible

carciofi · 03/02/2010 12:52

YANBU at all. I would definitely talk to the school and don't talk to her!

Original poster

elmofan · 03/02/2010 12:54

she said she was always amazed at how quickly my son would finish & want to replace his library books & that the other mums helping out never believed he was fully reading them but she just knew he was very clever - & in her words " this is also a huge sign of Aspergers syndrome "
when my son was assessed we were told he was academically 3yrs in advance to his age group

OP posts:

BethNoireNewNameForPeachy · 03/02/2010 12:54

Hiya

As it happens it may well be that she ahsn't seen the file- 'vecorrectly identified children (never phoned before though thats odd) and can do sopretty quickly TBH,many ASD mums can do that.

Not allkids who are interested in PC'shave AS,not allkids with AS are interested in PC's.That'sastereotype that doesn't bear up to reality.

however its not true that if school isnt worries you shuoldnt be,,it is comething that presents differently in different contexts sometimes.

Not sure if you know me BTW elmofan- have two / 4 sons with ASD and am studying for an MA in ASD.

When parents tell me they are worried I direct them to the NAS Triad of impairments site (just google NAS triad). That's by far the best way to get an idea if assessment is needed.

Something to bear in mind is that ASD can be gentic so there is a risk that a parent displaying socially inappropriate communication is also affected. I know I am. Short of pointing her towards the AQ test (agin, googleAQ wired) there'snot alot you can doexceptask yourself what your own gut instinct is about your own child andfeeel confident in that.

HTH. Feelfree to CAT if youe ver want any mroe info,although will see this in recent convos for a few days.

BethNoireNewNameForPeachy · 03/02/2010 12:56

'this is also a huge sign of Aspergers syndrome "
'

its not

AScriteria is IQ+60 (aka 'normal IQ')

That is as per DSM criteria.

Another stereotype is all. Describes me as a child, but ds1 not at all.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 03/02/2010 13:00

{shock].

YANBU at all.

My advice would be not to let your son go to her house at the moment.

I would be asking to see the head at school and telling him/her what has gone on. No way can this be allowed to continue.

Your first priority has to be to your son, not her, not her son but your son.

Bucharest · 03/02/2010 13:01

I think this is a case, as others have said, of someone who is dealing with something herself (this other mother) and kind of seeing it everywhere else, and feeling, in the nicest possible way, a bit of an expert.

My friend was convinced her son had Aspergers and while she was having him assessed she saw it everywhere, in every child.

Her son was later diagnosed with a dairy intolerance which was apparently causing his behavioural issues and she started to suggest that almost every child had this dairy intolerance.

She meant well, and was trying to be helpful, but it did leave a lot of people a bit at all her diagnosing.

As others have said, you know your own child, and you say he has already been assessed for ADHD etc, so presumably something would have been picked up at that point.

I would be a bit if I thought she had had access to personal and confidential info through the school though.

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