a follow on thread- sorry but im very upset over this

[elmofan]

hi , i had a thread last week about my ds birthday trip with some of his friends to the cinema last Friday , one of the children invited was made take his dad along , very awkward but that's what happened , yesterday this child's mum rang me for a chat , its turns out this child has aspergers syndrome which i did not know of before , he has changed schools now so ds does not see him anymore , however she rang me to say that she thinks my son might also have Aspergers syndrome , she has told me that while helping out in my sons school last year (while her ds was in the school) she noticed that my son was very intelligent , & very interested in computers , just like her ds , she ask me what my ds's birth was like , what he was like as a baby & young child & did he ever have his tonsils out when i said yes he had his tonsils out when he was 6yrs old she said "oh now i am convinced he has Aspergers" (he's 11 now) she also knew that my son was tested for ADHD & ASD ETC when he was 6yrs old , i asked her how she knew this & she said there is a lot she would like to talk to me face to face about (i have never met her & the first time i ever spoke to her was last week to invite her ds along to the pictures)
WTF - i have not slept at all last night & am at her phoning me up like this . she wants my son to go over to her house for a play-date , there's no way i am comfortable with him going there as i think the only way she could have known about my sons testings is if she had seen his file in school , AIBU to be very upset that a stranger rang to tell me i need to have my son tested again - my son was already tested for all these conditions years ago & the results were all clear .
sorry this is so long

The school defo needs to know what has happened as they need to have a chat with all staff about issues of confidentiality. What this lady has done although with benevolent intentions is a giant over-step of boundaries.

I would be inclined to let her know directly that you are not interested in her personal assessments and that it is such a pity as you would like the 2 boys to remain mates. However her behaviour has made this difficult for you. I think she needs to know that.

Aspergers is a complex need with every child displaying a range of behaviours. I am surprised that she was so quick to diagnose as any parent who has been through the process or any professional who has, will know that the gathering of such evidence takes a long time- as it should.

I am fuming for you too! You know your kid, don't let a perfect stranger place unfounded doubts in your mind.

YANBU. I think some people are just dead keen to get their own and everyone elses kid onto some register or other.

Even if your son did have Aspergers (which he most likely doesn't if he was tested and came back negative), if he's getting on ok at school and making friends I would question the value of getting it diagnosed just for the sake of it.

Empathy skills in boys often doesn't kick in until their teens anyway so it can be normal for them to not have an emotional understanding. It doesn't mean they have Aspergers. My son has empathy, with snails, lobsters and spiders , I'm joking. He's 10 and the empathy is just starting to get there.

You teased her a little, didn't you, by giving her DH a party bag?

She hasn't taken it well, IMO.

There was an implicit gentle ribbing there that she's overprotective, so she's found a reason to ring you to let you know her son has Aspergers.

I agree with others that she may well see it everywhere - my friend is an autism specialist and it's a standing joke that she sees autism in everyone! Because, as others have said, it's a spectrum.

But I think in your case it's more that she thinks you may have criticised her parenting, and she's trying to a) justify herself and b) regain the upper hand. It's about her. Not about you. As you say, she's met your son twice.

Do complain to the school, though.

I agree with imgonnaliveforever.

Some people are just desperate for 'labels'

Sorry Pagwatch but I don't think anyone on here is demonising aspie children.

The fact is it is not something anyone wants but unfortunately occurs.

OP - avoid all contact with this woman. She seems to be on a mission..nosy cow aswell,snooping your son's records.

Thanks i have a very brief understanding of SN children as i trained as a Montessori teacher many years ago , but i really fail to see how she has seen aspects of this disorder in my son
the ADHD & ASD i had ds tested for because he was a VERY active child which hardly ever slept & just couldn't sit still , we went through several weeks with a psychologist who tested ds for every disorder & all the results came back clear , it was a very upsetting time for us & my heart goes out to any parent who has to go through this with their children ,
i would love for my ds to remain friends with x as my heart goes out to x as he seems very lonely to me , but i really feel very uncomfortable with x's mum now after our chat last night , i don't think there is any point in complaining to the school as how would i ever be able to prove that x's mum knew my sons personal details & also x is going to a different school now

She sounds like a twat - a self-important expert-by-experience armchair psychologist. I'd ignore her. Either that or get into a bidding war with her by "diagnosing" her son with something unlikely and bizarre.

I don't think they are demonising aspies either.
But there is a certain.... well.. recoiling, which will be uncomfortable reading for any mners with aspergers or parents with recently diagnosed DCs.

I have no problem with the notion that no one would choose their child to have issues.
But it would just be nice if a few posters would dial down the horror a little.
Thats all

i am so sorry if my post has upset anyone , i am upset over the fact that a total stranger that i have never met & only spoken to once before thought it was ok to phone me to tell me she thinks my son has a sn , iykwim
pagwatch didn't mean to upset you

elmo
not upset. You are quite right to be upset at her approaching you the way she has.

I agree with Pag, this thread has a fair few, 'uncomfortable' posts on it, and while OP is justified in the way she feels a bit of empathy for the other parent wouldn't go amiss!

Although, i am miffed that DS2 hasn't been diagnosed yet, i mean he's well into PCs and has had his tonsils out, maybe i should point this out to the ped if we ever actually get to see her again.

Correct me if im wrong but unless thos woman was helping your son in class when he was 6yrs old and undergoing testing then there is no way she should know about it.

If he had a medical condition that was likely to occur during school time like epilepsy then some relevent details would be on the staff board in regards to plan of action but that wouldn't include past history. She sounds a bit loopy IMO.

sorry tamarto , tbh i thought x's mum had lost the plot altogether when she mentioned the tonsils being a "sign"
i am dreading her phoning me again tbh not sure how to handle this situation for the best .

Elmofan, I have been through a slightly similar situation where DS's teacher decided that DS had an ASD and would not let it go. We had to move him to another school in the end.

I would certainly complain to the school about her approaching your son and knowing confidential details about him. They are likely to deal with it as they already have spotted she is crossing boundaries by approaching your son. I definitely would not go to her house!

I have no issue with Asperger's. I am sure that had there been the awareness around it in the past that there is now, myself, my brother and my father would all have been tested for ASD at school. To us, DS is normal. I see no purpose in a diagnosis unless there is a need for extra help at school.

If your child is not having problems at school, you shouldn't need to worry about this. Even if he were to have problems, it really is not this woman's business.

How odd! Some people are like this though-at the school where I work some teachers ("regular" teachers not SN) will have a child in their room who is simply shy and will nod knowingly to each other and whisper, "Aspberger's." FFS!

It is a real condition and deserves more respect than having it bandied about and thrown on every child who is just a little cautious socially or who has interests beyond what others think they should, and I for one am damn sick and tired of it.

lol elmofan i don't blame you, i'd have been just as bemused!

If it were me and she phoned again i wouldn't say anything unless she did and if she does then just pointing out that you have no concerns ty might just be enough.

I bet she agonised for ages over whether to phone you actually, unless of course she is a total and complete strange one!

that's just it cheerful - if you met my ds Aspergers syndrome would be the last thing you might be thinking , he is very friendly , outgoing , bubbly , funny , makes friends very easily & never stops chatting , so ADHD i could have seen where she was coming from but i really cannot make any connection to aspergers , yet she claims to be an "expert" at this condition since her sons diagnosis last year .

expert in a yr, wow

she sounds like she is seeing ASD in everyone and truely thought she was helpful I would tell her clearly that he is fine, you dont need her opinion and you are happy to have her DS to your house but that you will not be going there.

after speaking to DH last night about all this (he was at work when she rang me) we both have agreed that we don't want ds to go over to her house for play-dates as i don't think she would be able to stop herself from evaluating him , seeing as all this has stemmed from her meeting my ds twice but only ever spoke to him once for a few seconds. god only knows what she would have to say if she actually got to know ds .

YANBU. She sounds fairly socially inept (whoTF does she think she is?!) and your anger and upset is entirely understandable.

Have you spoken with the school at all? Aside from data protection issues, she has obviously 'stalked' in the past (WRT her son and yours in the playground).