a follow on thread- sorry but im very upset over this

[elmofan]

hi , i had a thread last week about my ds birthday trip with some of his friends to the cinema last Friday , one of the children invited was made take his dad along , very awkward but that's what happened , yesterday this child's mum rang me for a chat , its turns out this child has aspergers syndrome which i did not know of before , he has changed schools now so ds does not see him anymore , however she rang me to say that she thinks my son might also have Aspergers syndrome , she has told me that while helping out in my sons school last year (while her ds was in the school) she noticed that my son was very intelligent , & very interested in computers , just like her ds , she ask me what my ds's birth was like , what he was like as a baby & young child & did he ever have his tonsils out when i said yes he had his tonsils out when he was 6yrs old she said "oh now i am convinced he has Aspergers" (he's 11 now) she also knew that my son was tested for ADHD & ASD ETC when he was 6yrs old , i asked her how she knew this & she said there is a lot she would like to talk to me face to face about (i have never met her & the first time i ever spoke to her was last week to invite her ds along to the pictures)
WTF - i have not slept at all last night & am at her phoning me up like this . she wants my son to go over to her house for a play-date , there's no way i am comfortable with him going there as i think the only way she could have known about my sons testings is if she had seen his file in school , AIBU to be very upset that a stranger rang to tell me i need to have my son tested again - my son was already tested for all these conditions years ago & the results were all clear .
sorry this is so long

I'd be very surprised if someone working in the school library had any access to the children's records.

I think that someties when you have a child with ASD/AS you start to notice traits in other people. It's as though you develop a radar for it. It doesn't necessarily mean that those people have ASD.

I think the woman might have been well-intentioned but she was completely wrong to call you and say these things. It was also very wrong of her to try to delve into your son's medical history. It was/is none of her business.

FWIW I have two with ASD and both still have their tonsils. Only one of them is interested in computers.

Has this stupid woman never heard of the data protection act ????

I would report her to the school and ask for their opinion on your DS, surely if there was any reason for them to be concerned they would discuss it with you

elmofan - my goodness. What an incredible thing to say, no matter how justified she might feel. I am for you.

I have a layperson's knowledge of Aspergers only; and my nephew has been diagnosed as having high-functioning autism. But, from my albeit limited p.o.v., none of these is diagnostic. Sheesh! I was a geek brainiac at school in many respects, and I am not autistic ffs.

It sounds like she might indeed be trying to find something that isn't there - this can often happen to people who are particularly interested in something: they think they see it everywhere.

I would trust your gut. And if your gut still isn't sure, then speak to someone who knows about autism and who can investigate autism in children - if only to put your mind at rest.

at her.
how long has her son been diagnosed?
presumably she means well and as others have said are seeing symptoms in many many children, but this type of diagnosis needs a professional to diagnose, not a lay person.
i remember a parent helper sewing a seed of doubt in my mind when she commented on how my dd touched things, the pavement, the floor, and we had a chat about how she suspected asd in her ds. i was put out.
it perhaps took some guts for her to ring up, but she is misguided.
do you have any concerns for your ds?
and the school?

oh, i see from your op that he has been tested.
perhaps she needs some support?
suggest the NAS for her.

here

Erm, I had my tonsils out and I don't have AS...sounds a little Old Wives Talesy to me, but it must be a very random one as I've never heard it and I work with pupils with AS. She sounds a little odd/interferring, but probably well meaning. Tell her firmly you appreciate her concern (I know you don't but it softens a blow) but are quite happy that your son's testing was accurate, you're happy for your sons to play together on the agreement that you don't want this mentioned again...and home diagnoses aren't welcome either.

How odd!

I am not over this, your son is your son Just shrug and show her the face
...seriously this happened to me with ds2 (not aspergers but something else) I just saw it for what it was and shrugged it off, what I am trying to say (not very well ) is don't let it bother you too much, you know your son best and don't have any concerns
The plus side is that you now know why dad had to come to cinema with you!

You're obviously upset but you need to take a step back.

The woman suggested that your son might have aspergers not that he shows tendancies of being a paedophile or serial killer in the making.

She was clumsy and inappropriate in the way in which she broached the subject with you but she probably sees you as a friend in the making (her son was at your sons birthday party, and she has clearly had some interaction with your son so she is not a random stranger).

You know your son best - you had him tested once, presumably because you identified certain traits in him? See her as a mum who is quite possibly struggling with her own position and has identified the same traits that you once did. If you are confident that your DS doesn't have aspergers then this shouldn't be a worry to you.

I suspect knowledge of the testing is down to school gossip.

Oh, I just read to the end. Chances are someone working the the library would have access to records in modern schools, I know ours are managed online in a system all staff that have have access to direct contact with staff. By this I mean that library staff, TAs, admin staff etc would all have access (they might want to look up a timetable for example, it is all the same system) but dinner ladies wouldn't as they have no need to/access to computers in the course of their work.

Obviously detailed records won't be on there, but behaviour occurences, testing for AS etc etc will all be on there, as well as worries about home issues, social services involvement etc. Obviously this should never be used for other than the purpose it is intended, and shouldn't be discussed outside of school.

This might not be the same in all schools obviously, ours is quite a large secondary.

Do agree that AS is not the same as serialkiller etc

When you have a childdiagnosed with a disability,it'sgenerally recognised it takes up to 2 years to go through something that mimics the bereavement process. In that time,man people9wellme anyway) say and maybe do a few things they maybe shouldn't have. with me it's been mainly limited to shouting at a few peoplemaking comments but that aspect of being allover the palce aspergrief is there for a great many aprents.

So I would suggest cut her some slack on that. Bizarre though it may be, she probably thinks she is truly helping.

oh and yes- tonsils? I've done the fdiagnostic module now,must e-amil lexcturer and tell her to pull grades as I didn'tmention tonsils in assessment. WTF?

Bit at her telephone advice about your child's welfare!

If she has accessed information at the school I think you need to remind her (and the school) that breaching the Data Protection Act is a CRIMINAL offence!

I don't think it is SGM in that it may be infpuencing Mums behaviour.

I woudln'tadvise OP to go in yelling, at least satrt by asking becuase really, this dx-anybody thing is quite common in parents of kids with Sn Nad sometimes even can be scarily accurate. But there is a massive difference from thinking and phonong, what you need to know is whether there was a breech under DP or not. Becuiase I stillthink that there may not have been. i think this may have been a very misguided attempt to help on the basis of party and observations.

I would agree yes,I would speak to schoolin a 'it MAY have been that...' sort of way

But much as this is unfair on you OP,please be understanding of how ahrd it can be going through such a time. I'mnot saying send your kids round and let her off, just don't turn into one of the EvilParents who follow peopleabout yelling either (there may be only a few but I meet them all)

thanks everyone - had to leave the pc for a while to calm down , overtired & hormonal
this mother only met my child once (to speak to) & how that came about is she walked out into their playground to check my ds out because he had befriended her ds , but the principal saw her talking to my ds & asked her to leave th playground as it was not a library day & she should not have been there
have to go pick up ds from school now , will be back soon x TIA

ummm... kinda weird that she was on the school playground when she shouldn't have been... we all want to be flies on the wall sometimes to make sure our children are safe...but...that is an obvious indicator that she has boundary issues. IMO.

Elmo When I was teaching I had access to lots of information that was sensitive about the children in the school, but I would have expected to be in serious trouble if I breached a confidentiality like that.

In all likelihood she probably hasn't pulled your DS's file out to read but may have chattered to teachers who have said too much thinking that they are speaking to a colleague who will 'keep it to themselves'.

I think what you do depends on how quickly you want this to go away. The easiest course of action is to avoid this woman at all costs, always have an excuse for play-dates etc. If though, you feel that it is also about the principle involved then I think you have every right to contact the headmaster and discuss how this private information has been shared.

Whilst this has been upsetting for you, there has been no 'security/safety' issue, I would be questioning what will happen next time she puts her foot in it, perhaps about a child on the 'at risk' register with a sensitive home life etc.
To put this into context, the school I worked at had a child who had been involved in a highly publicised criminal case and was living with carers under a new name so the remaining family members couldn't trace the child. A little bit of gossip in the school library could have been disastrous. I know this example is taking it to the extreme but it shows why the confidentiality of a school environment is so very important. I personally would want to make sure the headmaster looks into whether his staff are behaving appropriately.

HAve no experience of aspergers, but I'd be very wary of letting your son go for a playdate there. an aquaintance of mine is a child psychologist and she's forever assessing other people's kids, whether they like it or not. Sometimes she's right, but often just pushes people into a situation they don't want/need to be in.

If you think about the bahaviour of the entire population, we all have little aspects of Aspergers if someone looks hard enough. The person that doesn't want to talk to people sometimes, the one that doesn't have eye contact, the one that speaks out unnecessarily because they lack social skills, the computer folk, the ones that are good at maths, Aspergers is easy to diagnose in anyone if someone looks hard enough. It doesn't necessarily mean your child has this.
She wouldn't have had access to your child's file at school, these are always locked away.
Sounds as though she's seen something that isn't there and she's trying to help. It's up to you where you go from here. There's nothing more annoying then someone that wants to help sometimes.

Juicy thats actually rather perceptive yes- as ASDis a conintuum,there is an overlap where AS and NT met. So you can get 'mildAS' whereit is amatter of discretion how much help is saught and to whom it is disclosed,right down to 'SevereAS@which ds1 has apparently where statements and potential SNU palces are required.