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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think in-laws should offer to buy something for new baby?

93 replies

hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 13:08

My in-laws are very very well off. It's absolutely none of my business how they spend their pots of cash but I can't help thinking it's very odd that they haven't offered to buy anything for the birth of their grandchild (I'm 34 weeks).

My parents and sisters have been very generous and have all chipped in to help towards buying a cot and pram. Even my grandparents have bought some things for the baby and they have less money than my in-laws.

I absolutely do not expect anyone to buy anything for this baby- it's up to me and DH to do that. I just can't help thinking its odd that my husbands parents have no interest in buying something for what will be their first grandchild in the family. I wondered at first if it just hadn't occurred to them to buy anything but they've been to my house and they've seen everything other people have bought and asked who bought what etc.

They are known for being mean and tight. DH got a £5 voucher for christmas and his sister an oven glove and apron .

Just to reiterate, it's not because they're struggling financially, they often boast how they have a million in the bank .

If my son or daughter was having a baby I would do everything I could to help out and would want to be involved in buying things for the new baby, I just don't understand them.

OP posts:
psychomum5 · 02/02/2010 13:11

maybe they will set up a trust-fund then for baby, but want to wait until baby gets here before sorting, especially if they know you got everything.

or maybe they just tight??

either way, you cannot change 'em, so you can sit and complain about it and we can agree or not, but they is what they is!

or am I supposed to tells ya they they big fat meanies and offer to send nasty thoughts thru the internet??

CMOTdibbler · 02/02/2010 13:12

Some people think it's unlucky to buy things for the baby before it's born, some want to buy a gift of their choosing, and some think that if you have chosen to have a baby it's up to you to get what they need. No idea what they think, but they obv aren't worried about material gifts (as is their total right).

FWIW, DH's parents didn't buy DS anything before he was born, and when they first came to see him (5 weeks after he was born), they had chosen an outfit that was too small. So it's not so unusual

Vivia · 02/02/2010 13:14

Perhaps they think 'I've done my parenting, now it's your choice and your turn'. You see it as normal because you imagine yourself doing it but I think it is rather unreasonable to expect it. Maybe they will shower your baby with love and support instead of cash and items? You make yourself sound very superficial calling them 'mean' and 'tight'. There is a similar thread about a child's birthday money on here. I cannot understand why money means so much to some people.

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/02/2010 13:22

yabu
For all you know they might have plans to give you something lovely for your baby once it's born or set up a savings account..
The very fact that they asked you who had bought what for the baby is maybe a sign that they are working out what you do and don't already have for the baby. You're only 34wks and I agree with CMotD that a lot of people don't like to buy things too early and tbh I didn't have much at all until about 37wks with my first child.
You say their financial status doesn't mean anything to you but I would disagree, you seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about how much money they have.
Why don't you wait until you have had your baby and see what happens. I would be amazed if they didn't give something to their first grandchild to welcome him/her and to congratulate their son and his wife on their achievement. If they don't, then come back onto AIBU and everyone will probably agree that it's a bit odd but seeing as you haven't even had your baby yet, YABU to think they're out of order for not having talked about what they may or may not give your child.

janeite · 02/02/2010 13:32

YABU. Presents are supposed to be lovely surprises not expectations. And even if they don't give you one, it's their business - you have no right to expect anything. And buying presents before the baby is born is a bit weird imvho.

Morloth · 02/02/2010 13:33

hotcupoftea "I absolutely do not expect anyone to buy anything for this baby..."

Clearly you do.

Agree with previous posters about it being bad luck. I struggle to buy for a baby before it is born (for this bubs have pulled out DS's old stuff and got some basics but nothing big or special).

Feels like tempting fate.

I still feel guilty about the presents I gave a girlfriend at her baby shower, only for her daughter to be stillborn. Absolutely irrational on my part, but I broke my "rule" about it and look what happened.

Not everyone views a new baby in the family in the same way either. YOU are excited, your sisters and family are excited, but maybe they are not?

letsblowthistacostand · 02/02/2010 13:34

Fucking hell. You've had your cot and your pram bought for you and you're whining that you haven't been given anything else? DH and I have had to buy every single thing for our 2 children. No one helps us and I wouldn't expect them to, although some of our family members are fairly well off.

Your sense of entitlement is shocking. This is almost as good as the people who have relatives giving free child care whining "oooooh MIL gave DC a CHOCOLATE BUTTON! How dare she!"

paisleyleaf · 02/02/2010 13:35

It sounds like you're doing okay for gifts.
Maybe they're hanging on to see if there's anything you need once the baby is here or maybe they'll show up after the birth with some sleepsuits.

gorionine · 02/02/2010 13:37

The fact that they have not offered yet to buy anything does not mean they are not planning to.

I tend to be of the same opinion as letsblowthisacostand.

chocolaterabbit · 02/02/2010 13:37

YABU. They can spend their money however they choose.

crazycrazy · 02/02/2010 13:39

YANBU, although most people on here will tell you that you are

From personal experience, I would say that often it is those with the most themselves that give the least. My DS turned one last year (in May) and FIL (totally loaded) gave him a Santa teddy bear. BIL gave DS nothing at all when he was born, and was the only one not to out of anyone who we knew - even friends of family gave cards/gifts

dairymoo · 02/02/2010 13:42

YABVU. Perhaps they plan to cook you a batch of meals for when your LO arrives? Or maybe, once the bay is a bit older, thay will offer to babysit every Saturday night? TBH, I think it's completely U to post something like this, or expect monetary 'gifts' regardless of what their financial situation is. You have no idea what their intentions are and hopefully they will surprise you by showering their new grandchild with LOVE, the most important gift of all.

gorionine · 02/02/2010 13:43

But Crazycrazy, the baby is not even born (not due for another 6 weeks) and OP is already complaining

dairymoo · 02/02/2010 13:43

Sorry, that sounded cheesy but I'm sure YKWIM.

crazycrazy · 02/02/2010 13:43

or maybe they don't plan to give anything, offer to help at all with childcare or give any time or love either - it does happen you know

gorionine · 02/02/2010 13:47

It probably does happen but I can honestly say I have not very often offered things "before" a new baby, even if i have already baught it, I usualy do not mention it and just give it when baby arrives.Do you always tell people what you are [planning to get them? Spoils the surprise a bit IMHO.

Dairymoo is right of course, money is not all that importsnt!

Original poster
hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 13:48

I don't expect anyone to buy anything for my baby as I've already said. It's not about a sense of entitlement. I just find it amazing that very well off grandparents do not want to buy anything for their grandchild. It's all very well people spouting very ignorant stuff like 'money isn't important it's about love' when actually money is important. If I could help my future children financially I will certainly be doing so, anything to help make their lives that little bit easier. What is the point of having money if you don't share it with your loved ones? If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd divide it up between my family!

My in-laws are well off and yet choose not to spend a penny on their children or their grandchildren. When my sister in law was made redundant and ended up selling her house at a loss because she was broke they didn't volunteer one penny despite her pleading for help. The reason - they didn't get any help when they were young, why should they help her?

It's always the people who have money who don't think its important.

To respond to posters who say my in-laws will probably offer to babysit, cook meals etc. Well as they are moving to Australia 2 weeks before the baby is due, I shouldn't think there will be much chance of that!

OP posts:
Morloth · 02/02/2010 13:49

So what do you want us to say then?

cornflakegirl · 02/02/2010 13:53

If they didn't help their own daughter when she really needed it, why are you surprised that they haven't bought anything for the baby?

dairymoo · 02/02/2010 13:54

Well, if that is the case (not helping your SIL, etc and moving to Oz soon) I'd be inclined to just forget about it. Some people are just not very generous and there's nthing you can do that will change it. Don't waste time or energy feeling cross about it, just enjoy the loving relationships that you have with the rest of your family, who by the sounds of things, have been VERY generous.

gorionine · 02/02/2010 13:55

Sorry to be amongst the ignorant people for whom money is not the most important element into bringing up a child. I persist in saying it is not though!

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/02/2010 13:55

Maybe they don't have a master plan and are just parents in law and soon-to-be grandparents looking forward to the birth of their grandchild and wondering what might be the best thing to buy seeing as their DIL seems to be highly critical of things and they don't want to step out of line inadvertently and rock the boat or spend money on something that will add to your costs for moving to Australia......maybe they are wishing their new grandchild won't be leaving, maybe they are saving their money so they can afford to come over and visit you as often as they can.
Maybe they don't spend lots on their own children because they want them to learn the importance of money without thinking that it's a given right, maybe what someone spends on a present isn't actually relevant in the grand scheme of things.
Your baby isn't even born yet, just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don't waste energy being so unpleasant when you don't even know that there's not going to be a present in the offing.

Mumgenius · 02/02/2010 13:55

My parents didn't buy anything in preparation for the baby, I wouldn't have expected them to and I doubt it even have occurred to them. Once baby was here though they did buy a gift for us, an outfit and cuddly toy etc. Later when baby was a few months old I mentioned that I was going to take DD to some swimming lessons, out of the blue my dad said that he'd like to pay for them. It was lovely because it as completely unexpected and something extra.

Having a baby is the most exciting thing, if you get caught up on who shows the most interest, buys the most presents etc it will ruin it for you.

dairymoo · 02/02/2010 13:58

I'm with you gorionine!

theressomethingaboutmarie · 02/02/2010 14:00

OP, you sound more than a little green with envy at your IL's situation. They can do what they like with their money, it's none of your business. I'm sorry to say this but your post makes you sound very spoiled and self-centred.

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