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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think in-laws should offer to buy something for new baby?

93 replies

hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 13:08

My in-laws are very very well off. It's absolutely none of my business how they spend their pots of cash but I can't help thinking it's very odd that they haven't offered to buy anything for the birth of their grandchild (I'm 34 weeks).

My parents and sisters have been very generous and have all chipped in to help towards buying a cot and pram. Even my grandparents have bought some things for the baby and they have less money than my in-laws.

I absolutely do not expect anyone to buy anything for this baby- it's up to me and DH to do that. I just can't help thinking its odd that my husbands parents have no interest in buying something for what will be their first grandchild in the family. I wondered at first if it just hadn't occurred to them to buy anything but they've been to my house and they've seen everything other people have bought and asked who bought what etc.

They are known for being mean and tight. DH got a £5 voucher for christmas and his sister an oven glove and apron .

Just to reiterate, it's not because they're struggling financially, they often boast how they have a million in the bank .

If my son or daughter was having a baby I would do everything I could to help out and would want to be involved in buying things for the new baby, I just don't understand them.

OP posts:
heliotrope · 02/02/2010 14:19

YABU really.

danceswithfools · 02/02/2010 14:20

YABVU money is not important, and before you ask, no I don't have any! You don't know that they haven't bought anything, they just haven't told you about anything. I'm betting that if they had bought something, you would be on here complaining that it wasn't suitable. Why don't you just concentrate on looking forward to having your baby and let them get on with whatever it is they want to?

crazycrazy · 02/02/2010 14:20

bellabelly - no, the 3rd. Ridiculous thing is that they complain they see the 2 DSC so little

Bellasformerfriend · 02/02/2010 14:20

Yes, obviously for the child and not you - which is why your child is so upset about it they are writing it on the internet before they are even born!!!

I agree it is unusual for a gp not to buy something, I disagree that it is unusaul before they are born, IME it happens after they are born however it comes across strongly from everything else you have written that you are bothered by their money handling in general more than the lack of a teddy bear to stick in a cot for child who won't care a jot if there is something there or not!

WhatNoLunchBreak · 02/02/2010 14:21

YABU. As much as you defend against it, money is very much an issue with you. And I think you're making it their problem, whether they are rich, poor, generous, stingy. That has little bearing on your reactions - which I think are quite telling.

Morloth · 02/02/2010 14:21

Well the cost of moving our stuff (enough for a 2 bedroom flat) is 6,000 pounds (plus another 1,500 in insurance), the flights work out at around 4,000, then there is the temp accommodation at the other end (then there are the deposits on rentals and/or mortgage fees at that end - stamp duty for selling old house and buying new etc) and the fact that the Aussie is currently worth about 1.7 to the pound when the last time I moved cash back it was 2.6.

Maybe they haven't bought a teddy bear because they are just not that fussed about the new baby? It isn't their new baby, they had no say in when it was to come, they have no say in anything to do with it. So maybe they are just caught up in their own interests and really cannot be bothered?

Original poster
hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 14:24

Morloth, I think you have hit the nail on the head, they're just not bothered. I suppose I find it difficult to understand because I'm a very family orientated person and my family are everything to me.

OP posts:
Comewhinewithme · 02/02/2010 14:24

You sound like a money grabbing loon TBH.

midori1999 · 02/02/2010 14:25

Maybe the fact they didn't help their own daughter when she really neede dit and say they didn't get any help when they were younger is more telling than you think?

Perhaps they feel that they are in a good finacial position now, not in spite of that lack of help, but because of it and because they had to stand on their own two feet. Perhaps they want their own children to be as financially successful as them?

Morloth · 02/02/2010 14:26

So get over it and be glad about what you have got instead of wasting time/energy/emotion over what you haven't.

crazycrazy · 02/02/2010 14:27

midori - my FIL has been spinning this line for a while now. He forgets to mention the many inheritances that have facilitated his wealth though

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/02/2010 14:27

FFS The baby isn't even born yet, there's possibly another 8 weeks until it does arrive so OP's ILs have got loads of time before their grandchild is even out in the world, let alone give him/her a present.

OP - will you be posting again if you do in fact receive a present from your ILs, to let us all know what they bought for their grandchild?

Original poster
hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 14:28

If everyone had to 'get over it' then surely no-one would ever post in am I being unreasonable? You could say that about any post: shut up, be quiet, and get on with things.... That attitude would pretty much do away with mumsnet.

OP posts:
havoc · 02/02/2010 14:31

P'haps they are like my IL and are in denial that they are going to have a grandchild.

of course YABU, but I'll put that down to pregnancy hormones!

I'm still laughing at 'people spouting very ignorant stuff like 'money isn't important it's about love''

diddl · 02/02/2010 14:31

My ILs are well off & didn´t buy anything big like a pram etc...

They have however opened accounts & when they leave their millions to their only two grandchildren, I think it´ll pale into insignificance tbh.

Don´t you want to buy things yourself though?

My Mum& Dad wanted to buy the pram but would have wanted to choose it.

We wanted to choose it ourselves so paid ourselves.

Comewhinewithme · 02/02/2010 14:32

Do you know what really upsets me OP?
There are people in Haiti atm who are giving birth in the street and you are stressed because the in laws haven't coughed up.

Get a grip.

Morloth · 02/02/2010 14:32

No, lots of people pretty much do get told to shut up and get over it, and Mumsnet carries on.

And sometimes people have a genuine point. But they are not the people who have been given many gifts, are blessed with a healthy pregnancy and still feel they can whine that someone hasn't spent enough on them.

Wouldn't be much fun if everyone only replied with YABU/YANBU.

diddl · 02/02/2010 14:33

Also, being "tight" is perhaps why they have a million in the bank

Bellasformerfriend · 02/02/2010 14:34

Yes, because MN is here simply to help people get money out of their in laws

Honestly, the simple fact of the matter is that they do things differently to you, moaning about it won't change it and being cross will just breed bad feeling and create trouble for the future for you, your child and you OH. There are more important things to worry about.

SparkyfartDust · 02/02/2010 14:35

are you personally worried about money? It's just that it strikes me that you're hung up on seeing your IL's very much in terms of what they've given & not given.

bellabelly · 02/02/2010 14:38

I think the OP is being given a really hard time here. I think that's a low comment comewhinewithme about Haiti - surely most of the posts on AIBU would pale into insignificance when compared with such largescale suffering and devastation?

Morloth · 02/02/2010 14:41

This post pales into insignificance when compared to even very small scale suffering and devastation (because there isn't even the beginnings of a hint of either is there?). I mean really?

That is why the OP is being given a hard time. I wonder what present would be big/good enough, apparently a sleepsuit whatever is out - come on OP how much would they have to spend to make you happy?

lancaster · 02/02/2010 14:43

I'm with bellababy, the OP here seems to be getting a ridiculously hard time. I tink most people I know would be quite put out if their wealthy in-laws did not offer to buy anything for their new grandchild, I certainly would. I don't think I am particularly materialistic but just a bit more honest and a bit less pious than some of you. I mean, comparing her situation to Haiti?!

Bellasformerfriend · 02/02/2010 14:50

Again Lancaster, just because you are a certain way does not mean others are, I know for a fact I would not be bothered about IL not buying anything because it happened to me with my first child, they hated me and the fact I was having a baby and I shrugged and said "their loss" which it is, it is no skin off my nose if anyone does or does not buy for my baby - because it is my baby. Everyone else can suit themselves!

If I am honest people getting het up about buying or not buying a gift, token or otherwise, just makes me want to reach for the Tenalady. The op is being unreasonable and grabby. Simples.

havoc · 02/02/2010 14:54

But the baby isn't here yet! I think its unfair to judge the GP yet. As many have said, some think it is unlucky to buy presents before the birth, it doesn't make them tight.