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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think in-laws should offer to buy something for new baby?

93 replies

hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 13:08

My in-laws are very very well off. It's absolutely none of my business how they spend their pots of cash but I can't help thinking it's very odd that they haven't offered to buy anything for the birth of their grandchild (I'm 34 weeks).

My parents and sisters have been very generous and have all chipped in to help towards buying a cot and pram. Even my grandparents have bought some things for the baby and they have less money than my in-laws.

I absolutely do not expect anyone to buy anything for this baby- it's up to me and DH to do that. I just can't help thinking its odd that my husbands parents have no interest in buying something for what will be their first grandchild in the family. I wondered at first if it just hadn't occurred to them to buy anything but they've been to my house and they've seen everything other people have bought and asked who bought what etc.

They are known for being mean and tight. DH got a £5 voucher for christmas and his sister an oven glove and apron .

Just to reiterate, it's not because they're struggling financially, they often boast how they have a million in the bank .

If my son or daughter was having a baby I would do everything I could to help out and would want to be involved in buying things for the new baby, I just don't understand them.

OP posts:
Bellasformerfriend · 02/02/2010 14:02

You have ishoos around your ILs!!

THey are living their life the way they choose, it is not up to you to decide if they are wrong or right, it is not up to them to bail anyone out or give lavish gifts.

Just because you are a certain way does not mean everyone should be and, tbh, there is nothing worse than a child who is handed everything by rich parents - except, perhaps, an adult who is handed everything by rich paretns.

Your life your rules - their life their rules. Suck it up!

AMumInScotland · 02/02/2010 14:03

We get an equal number of threads on here saying "My parents/in-laws are doing nothing for the baby", and "My parents/in-laws are taking over by buying things which I wanted to buy for the baby myself" The fact is, people are different and their expectiations are different.

Yes, some people are well-off and don't give much away. Some people are poor and very generous. Sometimes it's because the well-off people don't understand how much of a difference even a small gift can make when you're not so well-off. And sometimes it's because they're tight.

I don't think you should ever "expect" anyone to give you anything, or do things for you - that way it's a lovely "extra" when they do, and not a disappointment when they don't.

Original poster
hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 14:03

Not sure how my post can make be 'spoilt and self-centred' when I am advocating families help support each other, if they are financially able to

OP posts:
Morloth · 02/02/2010 14:05

If you are so sure you that you not being unreasonable then why did you bother to ask? This isn't the board for having wind blown up your arse.

WhoIsAsking · 02/02/2010 14:06

This is my favourite sort of AIBU. Y'know, the one where the question is asked, a fairly large majority say "YABU" and the OP says "No, I'm not you're all rubbish"

Yay!

face, JUST BECAUSE I CAN.

rubyslippers · 02/02/2010 14:07

there are often threads on MN about this

people seem to confuse buying stuff with how much people love their children

you may want to help your children financially

your in-laws may feel differently

that is their prerogative

bellabelly · 02/02/2010 14:07

WHY are they choosing to move to Oz a fortnight before their first grandchild is born? That is just bizarre! PS yanbu

Morloth · 02/02/2010 14:08

Hey! New smiley!

Bellasformerfriend · 02/02/2010 14:09

I have to say that expecting them to do anything for you a few weeks before they move to Australia is a bit much too! I should imagine they have other things on their mind than how you view them and their distrbution of cash!

bellabelly · 02/02/2010 14:09
Confused
rubyslippers · 02/02/2010 14:09

your in laws need all their ££££ if they are moving and want to live it up

good for them!

i plan on spending my children's inheritance on holidays and very expensive shoes

Morloth · 02/02/2010 14:10

International moves are often planned much longer than 9 months in advance. Sucky time to do it though, the Aussie dollar is kicking arse at the moment and the sterling is pathetic.

Callisto · 02/02/2010 14:10

They are probably moving to Oz 2 weeks before the baby is born to escape their grasping DIL.

displayuntilbestbefore · 02/02/2010 14:11

Oh so that's what this thread is about - not actually your particular circumstances, just a general have-a-go at ILs who don't conform to your wishes of how they should behave....

If they're moving to Australia, do you not think that a lot of their finances are probably tied up with that as well as keeping some aside for the not insignificant amount of money that it will cost them to fly over to see you and the new baby in the coming months and years?

You're not promoting families helping each other out if they can because it seems that you are only interested in how your ILs circumstances affect your own wellbeing.

fernie3 · 02/02/2010 14:12

YABU they might buy something for after the baby is born or they might not, its not their baby they dont have to. You are lucky to have people to chip in for the big stuff alot of people dont I think the biggest thing we were given was a pack of sleepsuits lol

Mumgenius · 02/02/2010 14:12

Hot Yes, it would be lovely for families to always help out but it ought to be a bonus, there shouldn't be any sense of expectation. With expectation comes bitterness, jealousy and resentment if expectations are not met.
Remember, if things are done differently in your ILs family than in yours they may not even realise you have an expectation of them which means they can never live up to it.

gingernutlover · 02/02/2010 14:13

YABU to think anyone "should" buy anything for your baby. YANBU to be suprised that they havent though - most grandparents do give soemthing for the new baby be it a brand new cot or bugaboo or a bag of nappies and wipes or a teddy!

But, they do sound tight generally, so at least it isnt in the leats bit personal against you!

Don't waste any of your time or energy being annoyed at them though, waste it eating cream cakes and watching jeremy kyle instead!

crazycrazy · 02/02/2010 14:13

bellabelly I thought that was odd too. My FIL went away for a month on hols when DS was due. It wasn't unavoidable/a coincidence. I could count on both hands the number of times he's bothered to see DS since then.

It's true that money does not show how much love a GP will have etc, but there is often a link to how much the GPs are bothered about the GC's in general

bellabelly · 02/02/2010 14:14

I can't believe that the Australian dollar is so strong against teh pound taht they can't afford to buy a teddy bear for the grandchild that they aren't staying to meet. Or that the cost of a big international move is soooo high that a sleepsuit or two is beyond their means...

Original poster
hotcupoftea · 02/02/2010 14:15

I'm a 'grasping dil' because I think its odd that grandparents don't want to buy something for their first granchild. Repeat: buy something for their grandchild not me. Not sure how I would in any way benefit from being bought a babygrow or bodysuit...

OP posts:
Boobz · 02/02/2010 14:16

Am in the minority here, but I think it's odd that they haven't got anything for the baby.

bellabelly · 02/02/2010 14:16

crazycrazy was your DS the first grandchild? I think some gps go a bit funny and in denial about it all iykwim.

Mumgenius · 02/02/2010 14:17

If they buy you a set of sleepsuits then thats a set less you'll have to buy... that benefits you.

Undercovamutha · 02/02/2010 14:18

As usual with these types of threads, the goalposts keep being moved. First you say they haven't bought anything for the baby, to which I would say YABU, as perhaps they have some other gift in mind for once the baby is born.

Then you say that they didn't even help their daughter out when she was made redundant - which I DO think is a bit mean.

However PMSL at the fact you keep saying that you don't expect anyone to buy anything WHEN YOU CLEARLY DO! Just admit it! You think you are entitled to something, and can't stand the fact that you're not getting it.

rubyslippers · 02/02/2010 14:19

i never got stuff BEFORE the baby was born

they may be waiting til they know the sex, what the baby needs etc