to feel tired, in pain, and very bloody unappreciated? Long one I'm afraid!

[MrsMontague]

I just need a bit of a moan if I'm being honest. I'm feeling pretty low. Sorry if this is a bit long.

I have a lot of health problems, one including decreased bone density and go through spells where I feel quite poorly. I don't tend to let this affect my day to day life where possible, I stay at home with DD who is 1, and run my own internet business.

DH works 9-5 in an office, he loves his job and is doing well.

Anyway, today I slipped and fell down the stairs in our house. I had to go to the hospital this afternoon, had an X Ray and it turns out I have cracked my ribs. Very painful, but nothing they can really do etc.

My mum looked after DD for me while I went to the hospital alone. DH was tied up at work, and I understood that so just got a cab to and from the hospital. My mum stayed with me until DH got back to help me with DD.

Since he has been back, I have just felt devastated and wanted my Mum to come back. Pretty sad when I am 26.

But DH just has no idea how to look after me or the house. We have had issues with this in the past, it arises when I am poorly because obviously this is when I need him to step up a little bit. I do everything in the house, the only thing he does at night is get DD to sleep (he asks to do that as he misses her during the day) and if I'm lucky, he will do the pots.

Anyway, he came in and asked if he could have some money for a pizza if I couldn't make tea. 'Erm, would it be ok for me to order a pizza then, save you making tea?' 'If you want.' 'I didn't draw any money out, do you have any on you?'

Fine. I gave him the money, had to make my own tea however because I have a severe wheat/gluten allergy which means I can't have takeaways.

I made myself a jacket potato, nice and simple. Needed to make DD's pasta.

Asked him if he could get the pasta boiling. 'How much do you put in the pan?'
'How much water shall I put in?'
'How do you know when it's done?'

All of these questions, and when I go in to check on it, he had put the wrong hob on. I am literally doubled over in pain here.

'Shall I just give her some yoghurts instead?'

Erm...No.

Then I ask him if he could dry the dishes, upon realising there is no dishcloth hanging up, goes into the laundry basket and gets out a dirty one and goes to begin drying the pots. I kid you not.

'What are you doing?' I asked in horror.

'There are no clean ones.'

'Have you looked in the dryer?'

'Um...no. Is there one in there?'

'I don't know, have a look!'

He dries half of the pots, takes him half an hour.

By this point it is DD's bedtime, I ask him to get her ready for bed as it's too painful for me to wrestle her into her pyjamas.

DH: 'Where are her pyjamas?'

'I put them in the sitting room.'

'Where abouts though?'

'Can you not just have a look?'

'But if you tell me it will save me time.'

THEY WERE ON THE EFFING SOFA!!

I have had no help whatsoever this evening, and I was only asking for the basics to begin with I think. What makes it hard, is that we have gone over these things a million times. They just don't go into his head. He just stands there with a blank expression on his face, which transforms into confusion when I get upset.

Last weekend it was DD's 1st birthday party, I did two parties for her, and a big breakfast meal. We only have a small house, and both have big families. So to make sure both sides of the family got to celebrate and see her, I had his family round on the actual day for a buffet and cake, I made everything from scratch. The day after, I did the same thing plus kids games for my side of the family. 18 people both days, I did the buffet, shopping, decorations, went for her presents...everything myself. I did it happily, I loved it, but all I wanted him to do was help me clear up afterwards. The cake tray and buffet servers were still waiting to be washed in the kitchen LAST night! I ended up doing them myself after waiting all week hoping he would do them as promised

I feel so upset that I honestly try my hardest to make everything lovely for him, and truly feel that I ask the bare minimum off him. And I am sat alone in bed, miserable with black ribs, while he sits on the X Box after flicking a cloth over the sides.

Truly fed up.

Sorry for such a ridiculous essay.

I know, it baffles me everyday. He would have take aways ever night though if he was left to feed himself, that's what he did at uni - it was either that, pot noodles or nachos.

My family actually love him, although I have to admit I don't really tell them how much hard work it actually is for me. My parents know that he is a bit lazy and clueless, but they are very much 'if you're happy, we're happy'. They are never ones to judge and he is a very nice person compared to some of the horrors myself and my mum have encountered, so they are always willing to overlook his bad points if I am. Tbh, my family are nicer to him than his own (with the exception of his lovely gran!), but thats a whole different story.

Just to be clear, I didn't ask my mum to bring those meals round today, she does things like that just to be kind. She turned up at lunch time with them 'Just dropping by, you must both already have so much on your hands and I like to do what I can to help.'

Why does he only shower three times a month?

I would show him this thread

I wouldn't put up with that 'you must show me how to bake a potato' business either. Then it becomes your fault if he messes it up, because you didn't show him properly.

Tell him to pull his finger out. Does he want to know how to make cheese on toast? Look it up on the bloody internet. Or he can get himself a basic cookbook, but don't get into the practice of telling him how to do everything, just tell him what needs to be done and let him sort it himself.

compo basically it's just because he is lazy. That's it. It's just not part of his routine, and he thinks I'm crazy having one every morning.

You sound like you could do with a huge hug!
OMG can't believe you are coping so well; I'd have been in tears by now.
The whole time he's getting away with being an ARSE unfortunately, he'll carry on being one - needs a swift kick up the ASS if you ask me (not that you're in any position to do so LOL )
You need a feel good factor, that's for sure.
I agree you should not get out of bed so he HAS to do some sorting out.
Also, try writing him a letter about how you're feeling; add to it daily then leave it for him one day to read (might make you sit back and think too if you read it back to yourself).
You deserve better.
Keep smiling.
Friends of mine tried this; they didn't really communicate so they used to write to each other although the rule was to leave things for 24hrs before reading the notes.
Now they get on great and talk about everything coz they've learnt not to fly off the handle as the 24hr things allows them to calm down & understand one another.

I don't get all this aspergers stuff either.

Pretty rude to aspeergers people to suggest that every half arsed lazy husband on MN has it.

I would have no patience with this kind of shtick. I would probably be pretty forthright and say you are cooking. I am ill in bed. FFS pull your fucking fnger out.

NOT very helpful I know when you are laid up in bed in pain. Poor you. It seems like you are getting more sympathy from a bunch of strangers on the internet than from your own bloody husband.

Perhaps take your mum into your confidence re his laziness - perhaps she may be able to have a word.

I think he is using the privacy of his own home to be a lazy git and to put upon you because you're too nice to stop him

I think this needs outside people 'let' in to shed light on it and quite frankly try to humiliate him into being a more decent husband

Phone your mum, tell her just exactly how useless and crap he is being, and ask her to come and stay for a couple of days to show him how to 'bake a potato' and various other things he 'can't' do...loudly and humiliatingly declare to your mum what your husband can't do, eg know to put the shopping away when it comes

If you don't whip him into shape he will continue using you like this and surely in the long term that will be death for your relationship? How can you in the end keep even fancying a man who acts like this?

Obviously because you are unwell the whole issue here is exacerbated but you really need to try and fix this once you are feeling well again or you will end up in the same situation again and again. Your daughter will grow up thinking that it is normal for men to behave like lazy, selfish, immature idiots. If he acts like a child then you need to treat him like a child - get rid of the bloody xbox for starters - how old is he 15??

and how on earth can you live with a dh who only showers 3 times a month and can't even make a sandwich?? it beggars belief tbh and you need to stop facilitating his behaviour now otherwise he will never never change.

You need to malinger with your ribs. Tell him to get delia smith book as per dittany and he will be cooking meals until you are better.

Use the time laid up to think of a fair way of dividing household tasks according to how much free time you both have. Be sure and share the good and crap ones out evenly however tempted you are

Talk to him about it and get him to agree to it, put list on fridge, he has his jobs and he does them.

If he is really as embarassed as he says about not being able to do basic stuff then this will be a golden opportunity for him and he will welcome it wholeheartedly...

The problem is way more likely to be Passive Aggressive behaviour than Asperger's! Other posters have already suggested this.

Take this example. If you asked someone Passive Aggressive to help you decorate a room and they didn't want to, you could expect the following:

• "Oh yes, I really really want to help you. Sounds like a great idea!"

• "Can you just show me how to get the lid off the pot of paint?"

• "Whoops, I spilled the paint all over you. Terribly sorry" (not)

• "Oh yes, you did say emulsion goes on walls not on the skirting board. I forgot! Silly me!"

• "You're probably right, dear, you'd get along much better if you did it on your own"

See?