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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel tired, in pain, and very bloody unappreciated? Long one I'm afraid!

91 replies

MrsMontague · 29/01/2010 22:52

I just need a bit of a moan if I'm being honest. I'm feeling pretty low. Sorry if this is a bit long.

I have a lot of health problems, one including decreased bone density and go through spells where I feel quite poorly. I don't tend to let this affect my day to day life where possible, I stay at home with DD who is 1, and run my own internet business.

DH works 9-5 in an office, he loves his job and is doing well.

Anyway, today I slipped and fell down the stairs in our house. I had to go to the hospital this afternoon, had an X Ray and it turns out I have cracked my ribs. Very painful, but nothing they can really do etc.

My mum looked after DD for me while I went to the hospital alone. DH was tied up at work, and I understood that so just got a cab to and from the hospital. My mum stayed with me until DH got back to help me with DD.

Since he has been back, I have just felt devastated and wanted my Mum to come back. Pretty sad when I am 26.

But DH just has no idea how to look after me or the house. We have had issues with this in the past, it arises when I am poorly because obviously this is when I need him to step up a little bit. I do everything in the house, the only thing he does at night is get DD to sleep (he asks to do that as he misses her during the day) and if I'm lucky, he will do the pots.

Anyway, he came in and asked if he could have some money for a pizza if I couldn't make tea. 'Erm, would it be ok for me to order a pizza then, save you making tea?' 'If you want.' 'I didn't draw any money out, do you have any on you?'

Fine. I gave him the money, had to make my own tea however because I have a severe wheat/gluten allergy which means I can't have takeaways.

I made myself a jacket potato, nice and simple. Needed to make DD's pasta.

Asked him if he could get the pasta boiling. 'How much do you put in the pan?'
'How much water shall I put in?'
'How do you know when it's done?'

All of these questions, and when I go in to check on it, he had put the wrong hob on. I am literally doubled over in pain here.

'Shall I just give her some yoghurts instead?'

Erm...No.

Then I ask him if he could dry the dishes, upon realising there is no dishcloth hanging up, goes into the laundry basket and gets out a dirty one and goes to begin drying the pots. I kid you not.

'What are you doing?' I asked in horror.

'There are no clean ones.'

'Have you looked in the dryer?'

'Um...no. Is there one in there?'

'I don't know, have a look!'

He dries half of the pots, takes him half an hour.

By this point it is DD's bedtime, I ask him to get her ready for bed as it's too painful for me to wrestle her into her pyjamas.

DH: 'Where are her pyjamas?'

'I put them in the sitting room.'

'Where abouts though?'

'Can you not just have a look?'

'But if you tell me it will save me time.'

THEY WERE ON THE EFFING SOFA!!

I have had no help whatsoever this evening, and I was only asking for the basics to begin with I think. What makes it hard, is that we have gone over these things a million times. They just don't go into his head. He just stands there with a blank expression on his face, which transforms into confusion when I get upset.

Last weekend it was DD's 1st birthday party, I did two parties for her, and a big breakfast meal. We only have a small house, and both have big families. So to make sure both sides of the family got to celebrate and see her, I had his family round on the actual day for a buffet and cake, I made everything from scratch. The day after, I did the same thing plus kids games for my side of the family. 18 people both days, I did the buffet, shopping, decorations, went for her presents...everything myself. I did it happily, I loved it, but all I wanted him to do was help me clear up afterwards. The cake tray and buffet servers were still waiting to be washed in the kitchen LAST night! I ended up doing them myself after waiting all week hoping he would do them as promised

I feel so upset that I honestly try my hardest to make everything lovely for him, and truly feel that I ask the bare minimum off him. And I am sat alone in bed, miserable with black ribs, while he sits on the X Box after flicking a cloth over the sides.

Truly fed up.

Sorry for such a ridiculous essay.

OP posts:
MrsMontague · 29/01/2010 22:52

Bloody hell! That is the longest post I've ever seen! Sorry everyone...

OP posts:
herbietea · 29/01/2010 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JodieO · 29/01/2010 22:59

To be honest with you it sounds to me like he's doing things wrong deliberately so that he doesn't get asked again. You can't not know that the wrong hob is on or how to cook pasta, ffs it says on the pack!

Hope you feel better soon

SixtyFootDoll · 29/01/2010 23:00

Sorry you are feeling so crap.

Can I ask though how you can put the wrong hob on?

roulade · 29/01/2010 23:02

Sorry he sounds like a complete knob.

LegendLay · 29/01/2010 23:05

Very long post, but no, YANBU

MrsMontague · 29/01/2010 23:05

We have an island cooker with lots of different rings, he put the pan on the one that wasn't switched on.

Herbietea you most probably have a point, his mum was never very good in telling him how to do things.

JodieO You would think it simple wouldn't you? Last week he put a ready meal in the oven, didnt read the instructions. Left the plastic film on, and it all melted in on itself!

Thankyou for the get well wishes.

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 29/01/2010 23:07

I think simple , clear instructions are the way forward.
DH used to be like this, but I have finally got him trained.

abbierhodes · 29/01/2010 23:10

Right, it's the weekend tomorrow, he's not at work. DO NOT get out of bed. You cannot look after a toddler with broken ribs.

If it helps, write him a list of essential jobs, and a basic outline of when your DD needs food and what she should eat.

Make sure he does essential washing, essential basic hygeine jobs (washing up etc) and some shopping.

Even the crappest of blokes would be waiting on you hand and foot...he should be ashamed. I cannot believe he let you cook your own tea!!!

MrsMontague · 29/01/2010 23:47

Thanks abbie, I would love to do that. Though I doubt it would happen, and this will sound ridiculous but he struggles even grating cheese. He went from living at home, living at uni where we met, we moved into together. He has never had to fend for himself and believe me I have tried to show him and get him to do things. I went through a patch where I wondered if there was something mentally wrong with him as he couldn't even do basic things like making a sandwich, but I think he is just very lazy and I'm a big pushover
He only showers himself about three times a month, so you get the idea.

OP posts:
thelunar66 · 30/01/2010 00:02

One of my very best friends is age 63. She had to go into hospital for a major operation. Her DH is 75. He rang her when she was 10 mins out of theatre to ask 'where do we keep the big teapot'.

Do not be her in 40 years OP.

TrickyTeenagersMum · 30/01/2010 00:08

Yanbu. poor you. Are you living with my oldest stepson? ! He is about to make someone the worst ever husband too. I did try with him but every time I asked him to do anything aroudn the house, he F*d it up (am convinced deliberately) so you never asked him again. Some people get away with it.

Mind you, if dh is fixing a car or something and asks me to help, I turn into a total doofus and he can't BELIEVE I handed him the pliers when he clearly said he wanted the wrench. You see what I mean.

Chin up you will feel better when you are better. Think getting your mum round is a v good idea, better still why not toddle over to her place for a bit of tlc and rest. Leave dh and the washing up for a day or two. ye sit will doubtless be still there on your return but at least you'll have had a break from it.

Silver1 · 30/01/2010 00:09

YANBU- The man is a muppet. It goes beyond the usual "oh I feel faint" man moment some of them have.
I agree stay in bed tomorrow- you are in agony and you need to save your strength for next week.
When he needs something be asleep.
He loves your daughter, he will do his utmost to see she doesn't come to harm so leave him to it-and be ever so slightly demanding of your needs so he can see how good things really are!

mrsboogie · 30/01/2010 00:11

what job does this guy do? how does he function at work?

I bet he doesn't "forget" or get confused about how to use the x-box?

nope. cos it doesn't suit him to.

this is a combination of laziness and deliberate uselessness in order to get out of doing stuff he is not interested in.

abbierhodes · 30/01/2010 00:15

"He has never had to fend for himself " Well here's his chance!!! He HAS to. He's a parent. What if you died? (sorry, horrible thing to say, but you see my point)

Unless you actually think he will allow your daughter to be neglected, then you need to put your foot down here.

If you do think he would allow your child to be neglected, then I think you need to seriously consider your relationship with him.

OTOH, if he's just being a lazy fecker,as I imagine he is,then don't put up with it!

lechatnoir · 30/01/2010 00:19

YANBU. Please please stay in bed this weekend or at the very least tomorrow - you then can't see the carnage or chaos he's creating or the cock-ups and who knows, the lazy fecker he might just have to work things out for himself. And if/when he slopes upstairs to ask you something, pretend to be asleep

The more you do, the less 'capable' he will be - this man is not stupid he's taking you for a ride.
Get well soon.

MrsMontague · 30/01/2010 00:19

I don't think he would neglect her, he loves her very much, and he would struggle along to make sure she was ok. The thing is, he just seems to have problems actually figuring out how to do things, he seems physically incapable of having any responsibilties. But it's true what another poster said, he gets on ok at work and has a degree fgs so he is not incapable. I have probably been too soft on him, but I am full of self doubt so never feel confident enough to do anything about it.

OP posts:
Bunnyjo · 30/01/2010 00:21

Oh MrsMontague... Firstly, lots of get well wishes and I hope you're feeling better soon.

WRT DH, I really think you have to just tell him how really poorly you are and stop in bed over the weekend. Yes, he may struggle, but he's a grown-up and I am quite sure he can get by at the very least. After that, you need to have words with him and explain how he needs to help you around the house and learn to look after DD properly.

YA definately NBU and I really hope you are well soon

SolidGoldBrass · 30/01/2010 00:21

He's a shit. Sorry, but he is. Lots of men do the 'ooh, useless me, having a penis means I can't do any housework, my penis might take fright' but to carry on doing it when you are ill and in pain is horrible behaviour.

pixiestix · 30/01/2010 00:30

Oh Mrs M, that aint right.
You have to make him understand how completely useless he is being, and how ill you are. I cant believe he let you make your own dinner and ordered pizza for himself

arsesandoldlace · 30/01/2010 00:33

This reminds me of this thread.

Sorry but it really does sound ridiculous, him, not you. Although by giving in and doing things for him you are enabling him to be so useless.

You must be a really tolerant person, but you need to NOT let him flop about like a wet cloth this weekend. ffs.

dittany · 30/01/2010 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMontague · 30/01/2010 00:57

He has just come upstairs to ask why I'm upset.
I told him I feel that he is either a very lazy person or a very selfish person.

'Well I'm sorry that you feel that way.' in a stoney voice.

I told him I felt upset that I have to do everything, the most insignificant of things are a struggle when I ask him for help.

'I just don't have that kind of brain, some people just don't have as much common sense as others. Come downstairs and talk to me.'

'I don't feel well enough, I need to stay in bed.'

'Come downstairs and talk, let me put my side across. I know that's what you want too.'

'I need to stay in bed, please stop trying to manipulate me.'

'Fine, I'm manipulative. Sorry that's how you see me.'

He has gone back downstairs now and I feel even worse, slightly sick and just bloody lonely! Why couldn't he have come up with a brew for me, given me a cuddle and said sorry?

OP posts:
thelunar66 · 30/01/2010 01:09

Oh Mrs M.. that is horrible.

My DH would certainly have brought me up a drink and sat with me.

He sounds very strange.

arsesandoldlace · 30/01/2010 01:10

'Fine, I'm manipulative. Sorry that's how you see me.'

Does he have any concept at all of how ironic that statement is?

The old 'sorry you feel that way' is one of the most manipulative things anyone can say.
It's framed as an apology without actually accepting any responsibility, therefore not an apology at all iyswim.

for you - and does he not know you should be in bed resting your ribs?