to feel tired, in pain, and very bloody unappreciated? Long one I'm afraid!

[MrsMontague]

I just need a bit of a moan if I'm being honest. I'm feeling pretty low. Sorry if this is a bit long.

I have a lot of health problems, one including decreased bone density and go through spells where I feel quite poorly. I don't tend to let this affect my day to day life where possible, I stay at home with DD who is 1, and run my own internet business.

DH works 9-5 in an office, he loves his job and is doing well.

Anyway, today I slipped and fell down the stairs in our house. I had to go to the hospital this afternoon, had an X Ray and it turns out I have cracked my ribs. Very painful, but nothing they can really do etc.

My mum looked after DD for me while I went to the hospital alone. DH was tied up at work, and I understood that so just got a cab to and from the hospital. My mum stayed with me until DH got back to help me with DD.

Since he has been back, I have just felt devastated and wanted my Mum to come back. Pretty sad when I am 26.

But DH just has no idea how to look after me or the house. We have had issues with this in the past, it arises when I am poorly because obviously this is when I need him to step up a little bit. I do everything in the house, the only thing he does at night is get DD to sleep (he asks to do that as he misses her during the day) and if I'm lucky, he will do the pots.

Anyway, he came in and asked if he could have some money for a pizza if I couldn't make tea. 'Erm, would it be ok for me to order a pizza then, save you making tea?' 'If you want.' 'I didn't draw any money out, do you have any on you?'

Fine. I gave him the money, had to make my own tea however because I have a severe wheat/gluten allergy which means I can't have takeaways.

I made myself a jacket potato, nice and simple. Needed to make DD's pasta.

Asked him if he could get the pasta boiling. 'How much do you put in the pan?'
'How much water shall I put in?'
'How do you know when it's done?'

All of these questions, and when I go in to check on it, he had put the wrong hob on. I am literally doubled over in pain here.

'Shall I just give her some yoghurts instead?'

Erm...No.

Then I ask him if he could dry the dishes, upon realising there is no dishcloth hanging up, goes into the laundry basket and gets out a dirty one and goes to begin drying the pots. I kid you not.

'What are you doing?' I asked in horror.

'There are no clean ones.'

'Have you looked in the dryer?'

'Um...no. Is there one in there?'

'I don't know, have a look!'

He dries half of the pots, takes him half an hour.

By this point it is DD's bedtime, I ask him to get her ready for bed as it's too painful for me to wrestle her into her pyjamas.

DH: 'Where are her pyjamas?'

'I put them in the sitting room.'

'Where abouts though?'

'Can you not just have a look?'

'But if you tell me it will save me time.'

THEY WERE ON THE EFFING SOFA!!

I have had no help whatsoever this evening, and I was only asking for the basics to begin with I think. What makes it hard, is that we have gone over these things a million times. They just don't go into his head. He just stands there with a blank expression on his face, which transforms into confusion when I get upset.

Last weekend it was DD's 1st birthday party, I did two parties for her, and a big breakfast meal. We only have a small house, and both have big families. So to make sure both sides of the family got to celebrate and see her, I had his family round on the actual day for a buffet and cake, I made everything from scratch. The day after, I did the same thing plus kids games for my side of the family. 18 people both days, I did the buffet, shopping, decorations, went for her presents...everything myself. I did it happily, I loved it, but all I wanted him to do was help me clear up afterwards. The cake tray and buffet servers were still waiting to be washed in the kitchen LAST night! I ended up doing them myself after waiting all week hoping he would do them as promised

I feel so upset that I honestly try my hardest to make everything lovely for him, and truly feel that I ask the bare minimum off him. And I am sat alone in bed, miserable with black ribs, while he sits on the X Box after flicking a cloth over the sides.

Truly fed up.

Sorry for such a ridiculous essay.

That's pretty much what I think too. I doubt very much that this man has Asperger's or Autism. I think the odds are much higher that he is simply lazy, selfish and immature!

Erm, just trying to help.. not dxing the OP's H with anything, or excusing the behaviour which is clearly unacceptable! If he is AS, however, it would explain a good deal of what the OP has written imho.

It might sound incredible, but many people with ASD do function very highly at work, and then completely struggle out of that setting. My BIL is one of them, a high flying company director with zero common sense. I regularly marvel at how he keeps his job. ds could read complex words at 2, and do jigsaws and problem solve way beyond his age, yet can't really string a sentence together at 6 and has no road sense whatsoever.

Maybe the OP's H didn't read the instructions on the pasta, maybe it was out of a jar and there were no instructions, maybe he just couldn't be arsed and knew if he cocked it up he wouldn't be asked again. Who knows? It's inconceivable that most of us wouldn't know how to do something we consider so simple, but in a genuine case of AS, it really wouldn't be so obvious, Plus if he'd never done it before(!) or recently, he wouldn't have actually learned it by rote.

If you're interested, there are some fab posters on MN who have AS and explain life from their point of view. It's fascinating..
OP - there is also a great thread running in Relationships about DH's with Asperger's - might be worth a look.

Having read the OP i think that firstly - your DP is useless!! however, i hate to say this, but you are fascilitating his behaviour. You sound like super woman to be honest. TWO seperate parties? Buffet lunches? breakfast parties? Heavens above, im knackered just reading it.

You don't have to be perfect!! You need to remember this for two reasons - firstly, you are taking on too much and secondly, by you taking this all on, your DP is following the default position of letting you do it all.

This happens a lot in this house - both DP and myself are actually lazy feckers. We go through stages where one of us will do everything and the other sits back and lets them. Then one says "hang on a minute........"

Anyway, thats how it goes for us. What would be better if we were to be a bit more organised about stuff and who does what.

My DP does the bedtime thing soon - "have you got DDs Pjs" like, what? would you like me to put them in your hands? oh, you do!! . Ive stopped getting peed off with this though as he does bedtime every night and its a long haul.

I do the lions share of the cooking however, DP is pretty good in the kitchen and makes a demon mushroom soup.

Definately lay some ground rules, patronising as it sounds SHOW him how to do xy and z, write him a list. He has no excuses then!!

I have a couple of female friends with AS, it is less common than in men but definitely exists! I think it's about 8:1 ratio.

My elderly neighbour has AS and has just celebrated his golden wedding anniversary. Men with AS can often be incredibly loyal, honest people - or be so mildly affected it doesn't hamper their ability to maintain relationships. MN can show a very negative image sometimes through these kind of threads, and that really isn't the true picture.

That said, Mrs M, I feel for you that this is happening whatever the reason for it. Would it help if you draw up some kind of rota for sharing responsibilities? Kind of train him into helping by showing him how to do things a couple of times and then asking him to do it. The clearer you make your expectations of him, the less opportunity he has to try and wriggle out of doing things..

Poor OP - he sounds like a pain in the arse.

If he has a degree and can hold down a reasonably resoinsible job he can fathom out how to turn the damn cooker on and cook a pack of pasta. He just can't be arsed.

"Men aren't stupid, they manage to hold down jobs, it's very sad how many women buy into the "men struggle with housework" thing. No they don't, they just don't want to do it and they think it's a woman's job to serve them. "

Absolutely right.

What he is dhowing is a fundamental lack of respect for you. Even without your illness taken into account, it seems as if he just basically thinks that your time (and you) is worth less than his time. So why should he have to do something like cook/wash up/put things away, that is a waste of his time when he could be doing somehting more enjoyable whilst you carry on the drudge.

I truly don't think you can change someone who has got such a basic lack of respect for someone else.

Why should she have to write him lists of things to do? She is in severe pain and is obviouslt knackered as well. Anyone with an ounce of sense can work out what needs doing and when.

Of course everyone has their foibles and annoying habits (DP for instance leaves cupboard doors open, the kitchen after he has been in it looks like that scene out of Sixth Sense, it makes me yell) however I can bloody well rely on him to pull his weight round he house, and if I was ill and incapable he certainly wouldn't harangue me about how to cook pasta etc.

Men like this, and the idea that women have to train them, are beyond me.

I am still flabbergasted by the fact that you had broken your ribs and were laid up, so couldn't make supper, so your DH ordered a takeaway that he knew you couldn't eat

That is just unbelievable.

Did you say to him "no DH order chinese because you know I can't eat pizza"? Or did you just say "yes DH order yourself a pizza" and then struggle down to cook your own food?

Fgs, it is EASY to do household tasks.

Boring and monotonous, but very easy.

Dh took over all the household tasks when I had hyperemesis. In his words 'Dull, thaknless, but easy'.

Pisses me off when having a cock and balls is used as an excuse for being incapable of housework/childcare/cooking.

My brother is waited on hand foot and finger by my mum. He claims that he can't use washing machine etc while still amazingly being able to do everything that interests him.

What I do know is that when my parents were away if i told him to help me with something he bloody well hopped to it. I once made him make pasta, I told him how to do it and he stood there and stared at it with his watch held up to time it while it cooked. He did it though.

My dad thinks he is "a bit aspergers". I think he is completely normal (sorry not sure what the correct way of saying that is, I think normal is wrong? anyway), but lazy, selfish and with an overblown sense of his own importance.

He would be a nightmare to live with, it would be awful.

(We do get on quite well though, believe it or not )

Getorf, you are right, she shouldn't have to - but if she did, he has no excuse!!

I hate all this aspergers stuff - that is a serious condition is it not? But now people are using it as an excuse to be lazy and generally fuckwitted? No wonder people who are genuinely suffering from these conditions get such a rough ride.

what does me up is that he said "shall i get a take away so YOU don't have to cook"

Thankyou all, it has been much easier knowing that I wasn't being unreasonable to expect him to do those basic few things.

Sorry I haven't been back on, I had a dreadful night with almost no sleep as I was in too much pain.

While I was awake in the night, I wrote him a note telling him how dissapointing his behaviour had been, and how I felt so foolish for doing so much when obviously it doesn't get reciprocated when I'm so poorly. I left it in front of the X-box for him to see when he got up.

I managed to get a few hours sleep, and he got up with DD. He did try, the house was tidier than usual (not properly tidy, but his version) and DD was dressed and clean - is it sad that I found that impressive?

He apologised and said he understood why I was upset, but then gave me a whole speech about how his mum and dad never prepared him for the 'real world' and asked me to 'help him to learn the basics' such as preparing a jacket potato, making cheese on toast - I wish I was kidding. I told him I've tried to before, and failed. But apparently this time he feels ashamed of the way he behaved and embarrassed that he can't do such basic tasks. I have heard all of this before, and once I'm back to normal and able to show him...he loses interest.

I don't know, he is being nice and kind, but he still doesn't know what should come naturally. When our shopping was delivered today, I had to ask him to put it away, after it had been sat there for 10 minutes. He did it willingly as he is on best behaviour, but he just doesn't seem to get it.

My lovely mum came round with my lunch, and had made me a curry for tea which just needs heating up. The womans a saint!

Thankyou so much for all of your posts, a few kind words from strangers can make all the difference. It made me realise that I wasn't being mean to be angry with him...I will have a look about aspergers, it sounds interesting although I am more inclined to think he is just pretending to be incapable because he is not interested as he excels at everything he wants to do. He always suceeds with personal things. Hmmph I don't know, I'm too tired to over think it right now.

And about him getting a takeaway, he knew that I can't have takeaway, I am extremely sensitive to wheat and gluten and have had things from the chinese in the past which have supposedly been 'safe', but ended up really poorly. Even a trace of flour is enough to make me very ill.

In his head it was 'one less thing' for me to do. I asked him to put DD's pasta on, he couldn't do that, and wouldn't do the sauce in case he burnt it. He said he needed showing how to prepare a jacket potato...it was quicker to do it myself.

As I type these things, I am realising how ridiculous they sound and I'm thinking that you all probably think I must be exaggerating, and I wish I was! But actually saying these things has made me realise just how absurd this situation is.

It must be very wearing living with him. The dynamic must be like having an extra child in the house, but worse if you're having to worry about him using the hob incorrectly and so on.

I hope you can work things out, and that you feel better soon.

And yes lemattthedogs I did those parties and lunches, I didn't mind, I quite enjoy the chaos once in a while if I'm well, and love cooking for people so didn't mind. DH however pulled a face when asked to make the brews, he was all red and stressed and I asked him what was the matter, and he said he was 'overwhelmed' by making these 4 cups of tea.
Do you want to know the most hilarious thing about that, when we we both worked at Starbucks during our student days! We were faced with queues of 30 people requesting 6 drinks at a time, yet the 4 cups of tea with 2 sugars in each caused him to get all stressed. I'm at a loss, truly.

It is chippy, I've said that to him before now. It really is like having 2 children some days.

Considerably worse than having an extra child in the house, I'd say. The beauty about children is that they grow up and that they are generally quite eager to show that they are grown up. My 9yo could have done those jobs and would have understood the concept of a real emergency= mummy not able to jump out of bed to look after him.

You are quite right cory, I was very tearful when my mum went hope. Must seem pathetic I know, but I did feel a childlike vunerability. DD is always a pleasure, and already very caring. She shares her dinner with the cat if you look away for a second, and today was kissing the doll she got for her birthday and brushing it's none existant hair with her little brush! I bet she'd be looking after me if she could

*Went home, that was meant to be.

It is pretty mind boggling that he could have reached adulthood without knowing how to bake a potato.

Just out of interest, what do your family think of him?