to feel tired, in pain, and very bloody unappreciated? Long one I'm afraid!

[MrsMontague]

I just need a bit of a moan if I'm being honest. I'm feeling pretty low. Sorry if this is a bit long.

I have a lot of health problems, one including decreased bone density and go through spells where I feel quite poorly. I don't tend to let this affect my day to day life where possible, I stay at home with DD who is 1, and run my own internet business.

DH works 9-5 in an office, he loves his job and is doing well.

Anyway, today I slipped and fell down the stairs in our house. I had to go to the hospital this afternoon, had an X Ray and it turns out I have cracked my ribs. Very painful, but nothing they can really do etc.

My mum looked after DD for me while I went to the hospital alone. DH was tied up at work, and I understood that so just got a cab to and from the hospital. My mum stayed with me until DH got back to help me with DD.

Since he has been back, I have just felt devastated and wanted my Mum to come back. Pretty sad when I am 26.

But DH just has no idea how to look after me or the house. We have had issues with this in the past, it arises when I am poorly because obviously this is when I need him to step up a little bit. I do everything in the house, the only thing he does at night is get DD to sleep (he asks to do that as he misses her during the day) and if I'm lucky, he will do the pots.

Anyway, he came in and asked if he could have some money for a pizza if I couldn't make tea. 'Erm, would it be ok for me to order a pizza then, save you making tea?' 'If you want.' 'I didn't draw any money out, do you have any on you?'

Fine. I gave him the money, had to make my own tea however because I have a severe wheat/gluten allergy which means I can't have takeaways.

I made myself a jacket potato, nice and simple. Needed to make DD's pasta.

Asked him if he could get the pasta boiling. 'How much do you put in the pan?'
'How much water shall I put in?'
'How do you know when it's done?'

All of these questions, and when I go in to check on it, he had put the wrong hob on. I am literally doubled over in pain here.

'Shall I just give her some yoghurts instead?'

Erm...No.

Then I ask him if he could dry the dishes, upon realising there is no dishcloth hanging up, goes into the laundry basket and gets out a dirty one and goes to begin drying the pots. I kid you not.

'What are you doing?' I asked in horror.

'There are no clean ones.'

'Have you looked in the dryer?'

'Um...no. Is there one in there?'

'I don't know, have a look!'

He dries half of the pots, takes him half an hour.

By this point it is DD's bedtime, I ask him to get her ready for bed as it's too painful for me to wrestle her into her pyjamas.

DH: 'Where are her pyjamas?'

'I put them in the sitting room.'

'Where abouts though?'

'Can you not just have a look?'

'But if you tell me it will save me time.'

THEY WERE ON THE EFFING SOFA!!

I have had no help whatsoever this evening, and I was only asking for the basics to begin with I think. What makes it hard, is that we have gone over these things a million times. They just don't go into his head. He just stands there with a blank expression on his face, which transforms into confusion when I get upset.

Last weekend it was DD's 1st birthday party, I did two parties for her, and a big breakfast meal. We only have a small house, and both have big families. So to make sure both sides of the family got to celebrate and see her, I had his family round on the actual day for a buffet and cake, I made everything from scratch. The day after, I did the same thing plus kids games for my side of the family. 18 people both days, I did the buffet, shopping, decorations, went for her presents...everything myself. I did it happily, I loved it, but all I wanted him to do was help me clear up afterwards. The cake tray and buffet servers were still waiting to be washed in the kitchen LAST night! I ended up doing them myself after waiting all week hoping he would do them as promised

I feel so upset that I honestly try my hardest to make everything lovely for him, and truly feel that I ask the bare minimum off him. And I am sat alone in bed, miserable with black ribs, while he sits on the X Box after flicking a cloth over the sides.

Truly fed up.

Sorry for such a ridiculous essay.

erm..you sound like all this lack of sense and empathy is new to you??...did he change over night?..its quite obvious this was not an expectation in the past...sorry you are unwell

FFS I bet the next thing will be him reappearing asking for sex and then telling you to stop sulking. What a tosspot.

mumcentreplus I'm sorry I didn't fully understand your post...he has always been on the selfish side. In fact, there have been occasions where his selfishness and then innocent bewilderment have been quite devastating. I have learnt to live with it though I think, it's just harder when I am ill.

Personally I think your should rest up and take it really easy you'd be surprised what a mere man is capable of...don't fall for his moans and groans by jumping out of bed as soon as possible..

and only accept oral sex (from him)

so it's not new to you his behaviour and he's quite used to you accepting it..bite the bullet and stay in bed!...put him in the position where he has no choice...its the special gift some men have to act like baffoons (sp? forgive me) when it comes to taking care of others ...don't fall for his bollocks!

It sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome.

And why does he only shower three times a month? Yuck.

There is plenty of info re AS online. There is a test you can take, trying to answer like he would, to see if he qualifies.

more like ASSpergers Syndrome..

he is acting like an ass with the obvious hope she will just 'get on with it' like he's used to!...stay in bed woman!

I have to say, having a DP who is on the autistic spectrum myself, I do believe that your (not-so) 'D'P IS showing a lot of autistic tendecies. It has taken 11 years to START to get through to my DP, a lot of it I have to just let go...but my DP can now do most houseworky things (especially when I'm ill). He can wash up, put things away, hoover (unless the hoover needs emptying, but that's a whole other thread..), cook simple meals for DC's, organise their school things etc. etc. The only thing he doesn't do is washing because I've banned him I can see he does try, he just hasn't got the whole 'red socks+white shirts = red socks+ pink shirts' thing. I cured him by splitting up with him and making him look after our DS2 every other weekend, who he cares about and learnt to do it all for, IYSWIM. We are back together now, and (mostly) he understands that the cleaning fairy doesn't magically do it all...you do too much for him, seriously, grow a set!! . And stay in bed. DO NOT GET UP. Except to eat/pee! Even if he did feed your dd yoghurts for a day, she won't die if you've been feeding her a healthy balanced diet the other 364 days this year...

YANBU!
If you died he would have to learn and have no choice in the matter. Time to make some changes, he is treating you the way you have allowed him to. It will not kill him to do some dishes and go buy something healthy for you all to eat. (not pizza, or anything else that you are unable to eat)
I hope you feel better soon, but please rest and let your body mend.

It sounds a bit like he is pissed off because he is so used to you running around after him and you absolutely can't with cracked ribs - he is trying to guilt tripyou into behaving like normal.

If he is left completely to look after your DD, what is the worst that is likely to happen? would he just be a bit inept and feed her a lot of yoghurt or would she be completely ignored? If the former, I suggest staying in bed and leaving him to cope - ignoring the tantrums.

Message withdrawn

Slightly practical advice first - I hope you have some serious painkillers? If not, please send DH or even your mum to pharmacy, explain situation and get some. I have cracked ribs too (from car accident) but as am single parent my mum came to stay for a week to help with DD.

Now, with regard to DH, I have no experience of Aspergers or Autism so can't comment on that but he does sound as if he genuinely does not understand why you are upset. Now, this could well be because you do such a wonderful job of looking after him and DD or it may be that he has absolutely no concept of why it's important to you that the house is clean and DD is well fed. I think reading about Aspergers or Autism would enable you to consider if either are likely but I imagine that it's more likely (ie higher probability) that he's simply clueless.

If cluelessness is the problem, you will need to undertake a big retraining programme and it could take some time! You are very young (forgive me but I am ancient compared to you) so I have assumed that he is young also. It could just be a mixutre of laziness and immaturity so you may be able to change it.

This, by the way, goes against everything I believe about how people are and should behave but nowhere in your post do I get the idea that you want to consider living apart so I'm trying to make suggestions that may help you.

I hope you feel a bit happier today.

Why does he only shower three times a month?

He is acting like a child, and like a child he is blaming you for his own mistakes.
You stay in bed. If he kicks up say the doctor recommended it - it shouldn't be neccessary to have to say that, but anyway.

BTW my Dp was just like yours when we got together, he is much better now. Housework definitely not to my standard, but will clear up the big stuff (no skirting board dusting or anything of that ilk). He even has a 'repetoire of dishes' that he can cook, and does once or twice a week. We're only a couple of yeas older than you (I'm 29) - that's why I think he just needs to grow up a bit. I do think selfishness and immaturity go hand in hand with men well into their twenties, unless life steps in. And mothers/girlfriends etc enable this.

A long talk is in order, but first let him take care of the two of you over the weekend, it may give hima flavour of the work you do.

Don't let him fob you off by saying he is just uselessat this stuff, not as good as you. He is just bored of this stuff, but thinks it's perfectly adequate fodder for the female brain.

....here's hoping the reason the OP isn't responding is because she's in bed & refusing to move until Monday morning

dittany, will try and answer within my basic grasp of ASD - I think the variation occurs because it's a different set of skills which are required at work, people with AS tend to gravitate towards jobs such as engineering, computer based work etc where you learn the processes and then off you go. Common sense doesn't generally need to feature too highly, nor does multi tasking, as that's something people with AS also struggle with. Once they're in the zone, it can be difficult to distract them, or for them to realise that other tasks need their attention. Those can be attributes in certain jobs.

Running the house on the other hand does require a large degree of multi tasking, quick decision making and a common sense approach. Life is unpredictable where dc's are involved - another element that people with AS find very difficult. Sensory difficulties may also play a part - homes are generally busy, noisy places with lots going on - many people with AS find this very difficult to cope with. Lack of empathy is a very common AS trait - people with AS often cannot read other people's faces, tones or emotions and react inappropriately to distress or need in others.

Does this help?

Dittany, I work in the IT/Telecoms industry and the real boffins/programmers/etc are often proud to be considered as having Aspergers! I've never understood this but I think it's to do with focus/computer logic/and the like. Perhaps they're just programmed in binary?! They're all crap at social interation by the way and are often a bit beardy and smelly.

And, while we're on the subject, has anyone ever come across a woman with Asperger's? It does seem a particularly masculine disorder!