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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absolutely livid with my mother?

84 replies

BetsyLittleson · 29/01/2010 11:33

Over the latest incident in a long back catalogue of horrors?

Df and I are booking our wedding for April 24th. We are not marrying in the same district we live in - we have also booked a week away so that we can have some time there to finalise details before the big day.

When we finally made a decision, I told my mother the date and explained that we would be having a very small wedding partly due to finances and partly because that was what df and I wanted. We decided that we would invite our parents and siblings only. We aren't having a meal afterwards and we aren't having an evening reception.

Df has both parents and two siblings. BIL has 5 children. 2 of those children are adults and one has a fiancée and a child of his own. I have my mother, my sister, her fiancé and my niece. PIL are both estranged from their parents.

My mother has decided that HER parents MUST attend or she will not because she will apparently have to lie and hide the fact that she will be at our wedding and she'll never be able to face them again. I cited the fact that the venue we have chosen only has seats for 20 people (parents+siblings+children+our own children = 20) I have said that this is my choice and she has to accept it.

She has taken it upon herself to ring the registry office we are using to check how many people the rooms available fit and is now throwing in my face that 20 more people can also stand in the room.

I don't want it. I don't want this huge fuss. I don't want people to travel hundreds of miles for half an hour. I've told her if she doesn't want to come then fine, good luck to her.

Am I being bridezilla-ish or is she BU?

OP posts:

IncontinentiaBotox · 29/01/2010 11:35

Stick to your guns. Tell her that she can either come as invited, or she can stay at home and sulk - but she doesn't get to invite additional guests to somebody else's wedding because that ain't how it works.

Allidon · 29/01/2010 11:37

SIBU, it is your wedding and you are perfectly entitled to invite as many (or as few) people as you and your DF choose. If it's such a big deal for her to attend without her parents, tell her not to bother coming.

kinnies · 29/01/2010 11:38

Would it ruin your day if your grandparents attended?
I think your Mum may be being a bit U if they (your Gparents) would understand and not mind.
Have you spoken to your Gparents about your wedding plans?

Original poster

BetsyLittleson · 29/01/2010 11:40

It wouldn't ruin my day really but tbh, it has become such an issue that it would be a massive deal for me to back down now

I haven't actually spoken to anyone else yet. She has kind of taken away a lot of the excitement and pleasure. I just want to sit in a heap and cry - this is what she always does to me.

OP posts:

BigBadMummy · 29/01/2010 11:42

your day
your rules

Well you and DF, obviously.

She has shown her true colours by calling the Registry Office....

If she has to lie about where she is on that day, that is her decision.

We had a no children rule at our wedding 18 months ago, despite me having 3. It was just my 3 and DH's godchildren.

Some people were but tough.

Stick to your guns.

And if your mum decides she cannot attend then calmly explain how upset you will be but that is her decision, not yours.

Fimblehobbs · 29/01/2010 11:42

I don't quite understand why you need a week there to arrange a half hour ceremony, not that that is what you are asking about I know. I can't imagine not inviting my grandparents to my wedding. I know you don't want a huge fuss but its just one person, I don't really see what the problem is.

Sassybeast · 29/01/2010 11:43

Your mothers parents being your grand parents ? It depends on your relationship with them but I can imagine that if you are in any way close, your grand parents would be devastated not to be invited. I don't think having 2 extra people will make a huge impact on the dynamics of the day unless they will create some sort of problem ?

JustAnotherManicMummy · 29/01/2010 11:43

I can see what your mum is wondering why there are so many of your fiance's family and so few of hers.

Would it really be that much of a drama to invite your grandparents?

I think your mum is BU, btw in her behaviour, but I also think you're being a bit thoughtless. As you say yourself it isn't an issue on for your future PILs because they are estranged from their parents.

nickelbabe · 29/01/2010 11:44

i will say yanbu about your mum's behaviour, but i really do think that you should reconsider not inviting your grandparents.

think how they would feel not being invited to your wedding.
please don't hold it against your GPs that your mum is being idiotic.

it's a family event and your grandparents would really love to be invited, i'm sure
(and if they think they can't manage the journey, they'll say no)

Trifle · 29/01/2010 11:45

I'm trying to calculate how many each side has got. Am I right in thinking he is bringing 12 from his side and you are having 4? If you are talking about close family then I would have thought your grandparents would have been on the list. I think your mother is unreasonable to make demands but I also think you should even things up a bit. The grandparents are your blood relatives and BIL children's fiance is not related to either of you at all.

kinnies · 29/01/2010 11:46

I would take it out of her hands and speek to Gparents myself.
Then you can tell her its been delt with.

You will have a lovley day and this is samll fry compared to the fabbness of getting married.

DuelingFanjo · 29/01/2010 11:46

Absolutely your day - stuff what she wants.

My DH's granny tried to pull this kind of thing, saying she wouldn't come if her other children (DF's aunt and uncle) weren't invited. I said fine, don't come then.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 29/01/2010 11:46

Mucktub Fri 29-Jan-10 11:40:04
"It wouldn't ruin my day really but tbh, it has become such an issue that it would be a massive deal for me to back down now"

Ok, now I've read that... I've modified my opinion slightly.

Grow-up. You are behaving like a child so your mother is treating you like one. Don't give her the opportunity.

Original poster

BetsyLittleson · 29/01/2010 11:47

I'm not particularly close to them. They stopped having much of a relationship with me around 19 years ago when my cousins were born - I am now 27. I see them a few times a year. They don't ring me, they don't even post things to my house - everything goes through my mother first. They refuse to even visit me and my family without her present.

OP posts:

Comewhinewithme · 29/01/2010 11:47

YANBU this is why I have given up trying to plan my wedding it is just a massive pita.

kinnies · 29/01/2010 11:49

If you dont talk to them you are letting your Mum take controll and cant blame her for it.

Two4One · 29/01/2010 11:51

Would it really be so terrible to invite your grandparents? Seems rather terrible to me that you don't want them there! Surely grandparents live for this sort of thing? And I think your Mum has a right to feel a little irked that there will be so few of her family there. (I know you can't legislate for your BIL having 5 children, but do they really outrank your own grandparents? Mine would have been guests of honour at my wedding...if they'd been alive)

Fair enough to have a small do, but surely a few extra isn't going to make any difference. And why can't you have some sort of do afterwards? Even just a drink in the pub afterwards? Are you really expecting people to stand there, hear you exchange vows and then go home? That's a bit odd.

Maybe you should invite nobody at all, just the two of you and two witnesses. Then you can go home and pretend it never happened.

Sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your Mum and maybe there's more to this than we are aware of - but at the moment, I am feeling sorry for her.

piratecat · 29/01/2010 11:52

I think that despite any other issues you have with your mother, ie in the past, or her being a pita, that you should invite you gp's.

Your'e their grandchild, and would prob feel very hurt not to be invited to something where 'family' are attending.

Allidon · 29/01/2010 11:54

I think the potential problem is if you invite your GPs there is then the potential for requests for aunts/uncles, cousins etc. to be invited. There has to be a cut off somewhere and you are well within your rights not to invite them, especially if you aren't particularly close to them.

That said, it would be silly for you to cut your nose to spite your face. If you really don't mind, and would rather them come than your mother not come, perhaps it isn't worth the argument?

AuntieMaggie · 29/01/2010 11:56

I think YANBU especially as they don't make any effort to have a relationship with you the rest of the time.

When I get married I want the people there that want to be part of our lives and are every day not those that feel they have a right to be there because they're related. Unfortunately for me this involves excluding my father.

Stick to your guns.

wukter · 29/01/2010 11:56

Hmm, Mucktub - Still, I would say invite them.
When mine were alive we had much the same relationship as you describe - but I'd still consider them close family.

When you say they "refuse to visit", do they actively refuse or is it easier (ie conversation etc) when your mum comes too?

thumbwitch · 29/01/2010 12:01

hmmm. While I do generally believe in the "your wedding, your rules" thing, I would probably have invited my GPs in the first place.

As to the rest, well - it's up to you but do you really want to have the wedding without your mother there purely on a point of you refusing to back down? That does sound pretty petty, I'm afraid - but so does her refusing to come if you don't invite the GPs so I can see where you get it from.

TheFirstLady · 29/01/2010 12:02

I think it is rather sad not to want your grandparents at your wedding. Can't you be the bigger person and invite them? Of course YANBU to want to be the one to decide who attends your wedding, but the thought of being excluded from a grandchild's wedding seems rather heartbreaking to me.

mompa · 29/01/2010 12:02

Why do you not want your own Grandparents at your wedding?

arolf · 29/01/2010 12:02

God, I wrote a similar post last week - bloody weddings are a nightmare, aren't they? good luck with it - we ended up cancelling ours due to parents, but have now rebooked a date in another country to avoid inviting the whole extended family.

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