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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be absolutely livid with my mother?

84 replies

BetsyLittleson · 29/01/2010 11:33

Over the latest incident in a long back catalogue of horrors?

Df and I are booking our wedding for April 24th. We are not marrying in the same district we live in - we have also booked a week away so that we can have some time there to finalise details before the big day.

When we finally made a decision, I told my mother the date and explained that we would be having a very small wedding partly due to finances and partly because that was what df and I wanted. We decided that we would invite our parents and siblings only. We aren't having a meal afterwards and we aren't having an evening reception.

Df has both parents and two siblings. BIL has 5 children. 2 of those children are adults and one has a fiancée and a child of his own. I have my mother, my sister, her fiancé and my niece. PIL are both estranged from their parents.

My mother has decided that HER parents MUST attend or she will not because she will apparently have to lie and hide the fact that she will be at our wedding and she'll never be able to face them again. I cited the fact that the venue we have chosen only has seats for 20 people (parents+siblings+children+our own children = 20) I have said that this is my choice and she has to accept it.

She has taken it upon herself to ring the registry office we are using to check how many people the rooms available fit and is now throwing in my face that 20 more people can also stand in the room.

I don't want it. I don't want this huge fuss. I don't want people to travel hundreds of miles for half an hour. I've told her if she doesn't want to come then fine, good luck to her.

Am I being bridezilla-ish or is she BU?

OP posts:

Mmmcoffee · 29/01/2010 13:22

Is the issue the wedding itself or the reception? If the chapel can hold more people then I don't really see a problem with having extra relatives there.

TBH I would back down over the GP at the wedding. Even if you're not 'close' to them, they're still close family. If your GPIL were not estranged would your DF have wanted to invite them too?

If you can't have them at the reception due to money, thats a whole 'nother issue. Be honest. Tell everyone "we are happy to have you all at the wedding" and be firm that the reception is only for X relatives. Either your mother will cough up the money required (and if you don't want to accept there's another row brewing) or she has to accept the situation.

Most GPs just want to see the main event and get in the pics anyway. Ring them and see what they say.

Ivykaty44 · 29/01/2010 13:24

actually I think your mothers behaviour is awful - but, if you were my dd and you told me that you were not inviting my parents...well I would fell really sad and akward as to either tell my parents that there grandaughter didn't want them at the wedding and I was going.

TBH my dad woud proable be fine - although very hurt at being left out and it would put a shadow on the day for me - so Imay well not go or certainly not want to.

this is my honest opnion and yes it is your choice but you will have to accept that you are going to hurt people.

it is your day and your wedding your choice.

ProfYaffle · 29/01/2010 13:33

Mucktub, I totally sympathise. I had a v similar thing with my Dad. We were planning a big do, he spat the dummy about some guests he wanted to come and we didn't have room for. He rang the venue behind my back to re-arrange the numbers. We even had the same 'lying to him' ranty phone call.

This was one of the major reasons we cancelled the big do and had a much smaller one, similar to yours in numbers.

I have similar issues with my Dad re control, emotional blackmail etc and really do understand your need to stamp your foot just this once.

However, I don't think this is the right issue to do it over. In your shoes I'd call your grandparents and speak to them direct. Invite them and be firm with your Mum over extended family.

DaftApeth · 29/01/2010 13:36

Perhaps you could just not discuss it with her anymore but when you do send out the invites, send one to your grandparents as well.

As you say, it is the argument with your mother rather than the problem of whether or not you include your grandparents that is the issue.

If she tries to discuss it with you again, tell her you are still deciding what to do.

GibbonInARibbon · 29/01/2010 13:36

Sorry but imo YABU.

Let them stand at the back if they want to.

Tamarto · 29/01/2010 13:37

hmm, when i phoned i was told it would be x amount for up to 10 people, x amount for 20 or whatever, when really anyone can turn up and they have to be allowed watch?

Mmmcoffee · 29/01/2010 13:48

In our old local registry office, you paid x amount for the actual wedding, in the little room set aside for it. If you wanted more people (I think about 8 people could go in) then you had to hire a bigger room in the same building.

Probably they don't usually have people turning up off the street demanding to be let in to weddings. Although they are by law 'public ceremonies', they are treated as private by nearly everybody. You don't have every Tom Dick and harry coming in to a church wedding do you?

I reckon they set up for the number you actually book for. If someone turns up demanding to be let in I doubt they would actually stop them, they'd probably just tut a lot.

morningpaper · 29/01/2010 13:50

actually I've taken my children to church weddings before when there are local weddings going on, and just sat at the back

no one notices

kinnies · 29/01/2010 14:01

Morningpaper Why would you take your Dc to weddings youre not invited to?

morningpaper · 29/01/2010 14:08

well we are sort of next door, so have popped in to see

a wedding is a public event and we use the church all the time, it's a public venue

spiralqueen · 29/01/2010 14:12

muppetgirl Mother's thinking they have a right to organise the wedding is a generational thing. My DM's wedding was organised by her DM and she had very little say in it - but that was how it used to be done. The parents were the hosts so it was their event, done their way. Of course now we tend to stick to invitations which technically come from the parents but the bride organises it all.

My DM was horrified that she didn't get to organise my wedding or my sister's so she has missed out totally on the experience. Personally I'd be grateful but she doesn't see it like that.

OP as you clearly want your wedding to be very low key and not have any kind of celebration, why not just have you and your kids there and grab a couple of witnesses off the street? Or will that upset your ILs?

DoingTheBestICan · 29/01/2010 14:13

When dh & myself got married the very back row was full of all the old dears from the village,it was lovely to see them there.

They go & watch every wedding there,it didnt bother us at all.

Weddings are a massive pita,dh's uncle rang our vicar & asked him if he could bring his dog into the church & the vicar sais yes he could.Then the uncle rang us to tell us he was bringing his dog .

I just told the photographer to make sure he never got any pics of the dog as by then i had had enough of it all & just could not face another arguement.

OP - stand by your guns.

TheFirstLady · 29/01/2010 14:13

In the village I grew up in it was the same. Everyone went along to see the bride, it was totally accepted. Legally it has to be open to the public anyway.

morningpaper · 29/01/2010 14:18

When dh & myself got married the very back row was full of all the old dears from the village

that's me!

muppetgirl · 29/01/2010 14:25

spiralqueen - I don't have a mother so my perspective is a little skewed. Dh and I arranged it all and paid for it all. Yes, MIL did get the humph over virtually everything but we let her get on with it. We now know that she'll get the humph over everything (has been 3 x's christenings and lots of children's parties + birthday's) so nothing we can do makes her feel any better. She's one of life's determined-to-be-uspet-by-something type of person!

I think my perspective is also different as I was brought up by my dad and 2 brothers and I have dh and 3 sons. I am quite male in my thinking.

DaftApeth · 29/01/2010 14:29

When we got married, some of the guests who we had only invited to the evening do, came to the church for the service.

They were people I worked with, so had all come from London just for the evening.

It was lovely to see them and they got to see me at my best before the wine tiredness set in later

kinnies · 29/01/2010 14:38

LOL @ Morningpaper!
Sounds like a fun hobby!

Original poster

BetsyLittleson · 29/01/2010 14:49

Spiralqueen - the IL's would probably be ok with it. They are very much of the thinking that what makes us happy, makes them happy. I just feel that they shouldn't miss out on something because my mother can't behave herself.

I'm not going to talk to her about it again.

I know I'm being childish and IABU. I will probably end up inviting them but on my terms, not hers. Virtually everything in my life has been on her terms. Not anymore.

OP posts:

Bigpants1 · 29/01/2010 15:40

angry

TheFirstLady · 29/01/2010 17:43

You pedant, Bigpants!

googietheegg · 29/01/2010 17:51

I know that weddings are always a hassle, especially with mums and daughters it seems, but it seems a shame that your GP are being 'used' in this way.

All the issues with your mum aside (if only it were that easy!) it doesn't seem 'right' that your BILs children etc come but not your own grandparents.

Why not invite BIL and his partner but not all the kids/fiancees etc and have your GPs instead? Don't talk to your mum about it - going through her increases the idea that she's 'won' over this issue - just invite your GPs on your own terms.

Undercovamutha · 29/01/2010 17:54

I think you are not BU about being fed up with your mums interference and blackmailing. My MIL acted similar to your mum when we organised our wedding (we restricted it to 50, and told MIL that we were inviting 8 people from DH's side, in addition to his immediate family). She was really upset, and said that she wouldn't be able to face her relatives ever again...blah blah blah.... We stuck to our guns and she came around.

However, I think the fact that we are talking about your grandparents makes it a different situation. As another poster said, I would be mortified if my DD didn't invite my parents to her wedding (unless they were eloping and noone was invited).

OP - I think you need to be sure why you don't want to invite your grandparents. Is it to prove a point to your mum (in which case YABU IMO) or is it just cos you don't want them there?

prettybird · 29/01/2010 19:50

You are NBU if that is what you want. What does your dh-to-be think of all this? After all, it is his wedding too! Can he offer you any support or advice? even if it just to back you up and reassure you that you have done the right thing - whatever you decide.

I knwo that when my mum had problems with her controlling parents, it was the support of my dad that made all the difference

If yuo do decide to talk to your GPs and tell them that you are not inviting them and explaining why (lack of space), then that would blow the wind out of your mum's sails. She can then either choose to come or not - but won't have any excuse of not having been in control (which seems to be the issue here, both for you and her)

Altenratively, if you decide to invite your GPs, then makes sure you are the one to tell them - and explain that numbers are restricted, they may well end up standing and that there is no budget for any reception. Then tell your mum that you decided that as there was indeed the scope for standing room, then you have already told your GPs that they can come, but may well have to stand. You could also add that you presume that she and your sisiter will be volunteering to stand so that your GPs can have seats..... but maybe that would be a bit petty

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/01/2010 19:55

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested this, as I have only looked at the first page, but as your mum went behind your back by contacting the Registry Office, why don't you play by her rules, ring your grandparents, and explain that none of the grandparents are being asked to the wedding, and it is only going to be a very small event - then tell your mum that your grandparents know, and she can come or not as she chooses.

Bleatblurt · 29/01/2010 20:03

I didn't even invite my parents to my weddding at first - I asked them to babysit DS1. I relented eventually and invited them. Didn't even invite my sisters never mind any granparents.

YANBU. If you don't want your GP's then don't have them. And if you invite them then you'll end up having to invite HIS GP's. Then Great Aunt Mabel will be terrible offended and need invited .... and on and on.

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