to be absolutely livid with my mother?

[BetsyLittleson]

Over the latest incident in a long back catalogue of horrors?

Df and I are booking our wedding for April 24th. We are not marrying in the same district we live in - we have also booked a week away so that we can have some time there to finalise details before the big day.

When we finally made a decision, I told my mother the date and explained that we would be having a very small wedding partly due to finances and partly because that was what df and I wanted. We decided that we would invite our parents and siblings only. We aren't having a meal afterwards and we aren't having an evening reception.

Df has both parents and two siblings. BIL has 5 children. 2 of those children are adults and one has a fiancée and a child of his own. I have my mother, my sister, her fiancé and my niece. PIL are both estranged from their parents.

My mother has decided that HER parents MUST attend or she will not because she will apparently have to lie and hide the fact that she will be at our wedding and she'll never be able to face them again. I cited the fact that the venue we have chosen only has seats for 20 people (parents+siblings+children+our own children = 20) I have said that this is my choice and she has to accept it.

She has taken it upon herself to ring the registry office we are using to check how many people the rooms available fit and is now throwing in my face that 20 more people can also stand in the room.

I don't want it. I don't want this huge fuss. I don't want people to travel hundreds of miles for half an hour. I've told her if she doesn't want to come then fine, good luck to her.

Am I being bridezilla-ish or is she BU?

Can I point out that the OP has 4 of her own children coming to the wedding - which evens out numbers more that it seems. A couple of people pointed out that there was loads more from her DF's side, but there's not really.

I haven't read the whole thread so I apologise if I'm covering old ground here but could it be, perhaps, that your Mum is worried about her parents reaction to her knowing about the wedding?

When they find out she attended your wedding and didn't tell them, will they be upset/annoyed?

Only read the first page, but I am gobsmacked that you don't want to invite your own grandparents for your wedding. Fair enough if there were no family at all attending, or a very tiny number, but I think "close family" should definitely include grandparents. Unless they've hurt you terribly in some way (and it doesn't look like they have) I can't fathom why such close family wouldn't be invited to something as important as a wedding.

I can understand your mum's reaction completely. I would be truly sad and disappointed if my children did something like this.

Why would a Brother in Laws childs Fiancee (if I have got that right) be considered closer that Grandparents? Im sorry but If it were me I just couldnt do this to my Grandparents.

butterball why are their children counted as being on her side and not his?

I've calmed down an awful lot this morning. I am still cross that she would ring the registry office but what's done is done, I suppose. We have done some digging and all the documentation about the room we can find states seats 20, 15 can stand. We chose that particular room because it has webcam access and we have friends across the world who won't be able to be there any other way. So we won't be changing the venue.

pooexplosions - the children are all under 4 years old. I need someone to keep them under control and the only person who I trust to be able to do that is my mum. PIL are not in good health and are 20+ years older than her. They also see a lot more of her and know her better.

Squishabelle - you're right, when I think about it sensibly. Although I've spent more time with Dnephew and his fiancee over the last 7 years than I have with my gparents over the last 19 they aren't as close so I am willing to reconsider it all but I need my mum to stop forcing all contact with them to go through her. I will be laying down the law on that one. I was very close to them when I was younger and it all changed very suddenly which was hard to deal with. I will be requesting that they ring me and post things to me from now on, not to her. IABU trying to stop her behaving that way by hurting them and I know it.

Prettybird - df is very supportive whatever I choose. He struggles to understand why I get upset and agitated at the first sign of attempts to control me by emotional means but he realises that this has been going on for most of my life so he just offers support now.

I am firm on the fact that I won't be discussing anything with anyone apart from df from now on. I never for a second thought that she would ring the registry office behind my back and I'm very hurt that she would do so. I have no reason to lie about what I was told (twice, as we originally planned to marry in 2007 but had to cancel it when I became pregnant with dd2) and I was never told that people would be able to stand.

I wish we'd just bloody eloped. This is exhausting

So in summary, IABU to hurt my gparents, I was too angry with my mum yesterday to see it but now I do and I am a bit

Bravo. Very sensible response Mucktub

mucktub, glad you have calmed down some and PLEASE don't feel about your thread - you are allowed to vent as well you know! And you have had some really good responses on here, so it was probably worth it. Hope your call to your DGPs goes well and the rest of the planning works out ok.