to be absolutely livid with my mother?

[BetsyLittleson]

Over the latest incident in a long back catalogue of horrors?

Df and I are booking our wedding for April 24th. We are not marrying in the same district we live in - we have also booked a week away so that we can have some time there to finalise details before the big day.

When we finally made a decision, I told my mother the date and explained that we would be having a very small wedding partly due to finances and partly because that was what df and I wanted. We decided that we would invite our parents and siblings only. We aren't having a meal afterwards and we aren't having an evening reception.

Df has both parents and two siblings. BIL has 5 children. 2 of those children are adults and one has a fiancée and a child of his own. I have my mother, my sister, her fiancé and my niece. PIL are both estranged from their parents.

My mother has decided that HER parents MUST attend or she will not because she will apparently have to lie and hide the fact that she will be at our wedding and she'll never be able to face them again. I cited the fact that the venue we have chosen only has seats for 20 people (parents+siblings+children+our own children = 20) I have said that this is my choice and she has to accept it.

She has taken it upon herself to ring the registry office we are using to check how many people the rooms available fit and is now throwing in my face that 20 more people can also stand in the room.

I don't want it. I don't want this huge fuss. I don't want people to travel hundreds of miles for half an hour. I've told her if she doesn't want to come then fine, good luck to her.

Am I being bridezilla-ish or is she BU?

'And I think your Mum has a right to feel a little irked that there will be so few of her family there.'

Why she's not paying for it, nor is it her wedding.

Blood or not blood OP clearly has invited who she wants to be there, it is their day no one elses just because your GPs would be first on your list doesn't mean it's the same for the OP.

'Fair enough to have a small do, but surely a few extra isn't going to make any difference.'

The whole point of having a small do is that a few extra do matter

"Blood or not blood OP clearly has invited who she wants to be there, it is their day no one elses just because your GPs would be first on your list doesn't mean it's the same for the OP."

But the OP has asked for our opinions! MN would shut down if we all took that view.

"The whole point of a small do is that a few extra do matter."

But they're not having a do! They want people to turn up, watch and leave. So why would 2 extra turning up, watching and leaving make any difference?

The GP issue aside... I think inviting 20 people (any 20) to a registry office for half an hour and then disappearing is a bit of an odd way to celebrate your marriage. You clearly have some shaky relationships going on. Can't you just get married the two of you and a witness and be done with it? Your tone suggests you don't really want any sort of fuss at all. You can't seriously ask 20 people to get together for your wedding and then go home and forget about it, can you? Not have a drink with you, no festive sausage roll, no toasts. Just look the other way, pretend it didn't happen and go away quietly afterwards please...

I'm trying to to drip drip, I know how annoying it is.

They refuse completely. They won't come here without her. I don't bite, I am perfectly pleasant and the kids are good and well behaved - if anything, they are a lot more sociable when she isn't about.

I do realise I'm being childish, I just feel like I'm going to lose all control over something that is about me and df. My mother has a long history of emotionally blackmailing me into doing what she wants me to. I want to break the cycle and I totally realise that this is probably the worst way to deal with it but I am so angry that she would go behind my back and ring the registry office then scream abuse at me about 'lying to her' about the numbers that we can have. I didn't actually know that 20 more people can stand in the room.

We were planning to go onto a pub afterwards - we literally can just afford some nice clothes and the ceremony and that's about it. We booked a week in a caravan, a couple of days there before and 5 afterwards. We always go away at that time of year to that place which is why we want to marry there.

I just want to tell df that I love him and want to be with him always. I don't want world war 3 over it.

Don't talk to me about WW3. There's 210 on my provisional wedding guest list. There's a lot of tears and tantrums before we get it down to something a little less like the Circus is coming to town.

MN would shut down if no one wanted their GPs at their wedding

Clearly you have chosen to completly take what i said out of context. I don't think OP asked who she should invite, she asked if she was BU to be pissed at her mum thinking she could dictate who went to her wedding.

Why can't she? If someone asked me to do the same it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, i don't go to a wedding for the grub after tbh.

I think this sort of thing is why my cousin went away for the weekend with her boyfriend, her best friend and her boyfriend and they got married without telling anyone, being each others' witnesses. My aunt went ballistic but too late. (still married some 15 years later as well)

OP - being livid is going to cloud your judgement. When you calm down about it, see whether it is worth it in the long run. Your mum has behaved pretty badly, yes - so how are you going to deal with it? the fallout is going to be bad either way, I feel - so what is your longterm aim for the relationship with your mother? Either way, you are going to "lose" here - either you will feel that you lose if you give in, or you will lose anyway if you don't. Which is the bigger loss to you?

Your GPs may not come anyway - especially if it's a bit of a way, with no big reception after (congrats on only doing what you can afford, btw) - but even if you invite them and they do come, you can still choose afterwards how you take the relationship forward. I fear if you refuse to "give in" now, you will have no choice - your mother will make it for you. What do you think?

Poor Mucktub. But don't you see that how you behave in this particular disagreement could end up cementing your relationship with your mother forever? If she's not there or if there's bad feeling, she'll never let you forget it. Is that really how you want to remember your wedding day? However much it sticks in your throat, I would probably let her have her way on this one - for your own sake. It might even be a way of improving things, with your Mum and your GPs. Being the bigger person and all that?

FWIW, all weddings come with some degree of emotional blackmail. And while it is important to have it mostly the way you want it, family can't be ignored - they won't let you! Better to deal with things properly and have a happy start to your married life knowing you did everything right.

Hmmm... tricky.

On the one hand, I agree that it's your wedding, your rules. I would also be concerned that once you allow the limit that you have set to be broken, you'll open the floodgates for your Mum to invite anyone else she feels is "essential" because you've proven you won't stand firm against her.

On the OTHER hand, part of me thinks that a few extra people standing at the back of the room and in the pub for drinks (which I assume you won't be paying for...?) is not the end of creation. Whilst weddings are primarily about the people doing the marrying (of course), they are also about the joining together of two families and I think it's preferable not to sully the occasion with bad feeling if at all possible.

Only you can decide how your concerns weigh up against your mum's anger but you should most definitely do whatever will make YOU happy on your day!

Is this more an argument with your mother who you feel is emotionally controlling/blakmailing whom you don't want to appear to give in too or is it about not wanting your gp's there?

If you really don't want them there then that's fine.

Are you going to tell them and talk to them about it before hand or are you going to let your mother continue to dictact the relationships you all have?

She will get to them first and tell them all sorts as to why they're not invited.

Maybe this is why they don't do anything without her as she controls all the relationshps in the family.

I would break out from her and make my own mind up but then talk to people and explain to them how you feel rather than ignore the fact you are getting married and the're not invited. How is the atmosphere going to be when you do visit your Gp's when you tell them you got married some months ago??

you're supposed to fall out with family over your wedding - it's the law.

If it's any consollation, I wasn't actually allowed to invite anyone to my wedding. We had lots of dh's friends/ILs friends (they paid for some of it) my parents' friends and family and even friends of my sister's. When I protested I was told "you don't have any friends." and that was that.

That's exactly what I was hoping to do, Muppetgirl - to talk to them and explain why we are doing things the way we are. I think they would be pretty accepting although I do worry that they would feel obliged to offer money (which we wouldn't want to take)

It is definitely not so much not wanting them there as it is trying to break free of the cycle of blackmail and controlling because I always end up in tears or stressed to the limit and its not what I want the children to grow up seeing.

I do think that she would see it as a green light to either invite everyone or to increase the pressure until I caved in completely and invited the entire family - even the ones I haven't seen for 3, 5, 10 years who literally would want a big piss up and that's it.

I think I have a whole lot more thinking to do on this one.

YANBU at all OP. I didn't invite my Grans to my wedding as I knew one of them wasn't up to travelling anyway and it didn't seem fair for the other one to come.

We only had parents and siblings, also best friends who were best man and bridesmaid.

Stand up to your Mother and don't back down. It is your wedding not hers.

I don't see the problem - you aren't paying for anything (meal etc) and legally anyone who want to can come

It's up to them, surely?

I think if you tell people this far in advance then you don't have a lot of choice TBH

they have a legal right to be there if they want to be

this was why I only told my family I was getting married two hours beforehand....

Difficult one this - I had 150 at the ceremony and 250 at the reception and there was still tantrums from respective parents that they werent given enough input and some people they wanted to invite weren't there.

I do think it would be a shame for your gp's not to be there and it doesnt seem to make much difference to the cost, to save their feelings I would invite them.

Your mum probably knows they will be upset if they're not invited which is why she is going off the deep end (not excusing her btw).

Morningpaper is right - the ceremony is a public event so they are allowed to be there even if they are not invited.

Saying what I did earlier I have thought of something else; I am amazed at people being invited to things and then having the nerve to think that they have some automatic 'right' in which to interfere about, who is invited, the venue, the menu, the colours etc etc etc. Your mum has been invited to a wedding and she has to make her mind up on whether she would like to come. She can pass comment/give her opinion as to the proceedings + guests but that is where her imput ends.

I would say, 'thank you for your opinions, I shall chat about it with Dh' nod, smile and walk away. If she threatens not to come then say 'we're sorry you feel this way, we would have loved you to have come.' Don't change anything.

If you only want to invite 4 from your family then that's up to you. I don't see the number on each side of the family having to be equal as the problem. I see your mother wanting to plan/control your wedding as the problem.

but EVERYONE is always invited to the ceremony itself

that's the law

you always say "Of course anyone is welcome at the ceremony but we only have family for the reception..." etc

YANBU this is the exactly the same way we did our wedding in a beautiful location 2 hours away with only our parents, siblings and nieces and nephews. We made no apologies and made it very clear there would be no exemptions only one auntie kicked up hell and hasn't spoke to us since.

Not all grandparents are involved in their grandchildren's lives or even particular nice people why should they get an automatic right to be at your wedding?

I only told her the date so that she could book it off if she needed to as she works every other weekend. Noone else has been told yet (although I assume my sister will know since she lives with her)

Thank you all for your responses so far. I think I need to contact my Gparents myself and talk to them as well as having a good old chat with df about what giving in now would mean.

Please forgive me if I don't respond over the next hour or so, I need to go pick ds1 up from preschool.

Not so morning paper, if you get married in a registry office they limit you.

Unless of course what you say is true and they can't actually do that legally? It would make their packages pointless i suppose.

I can't imagine not inviting my grandparents to my wedding. Surely they count as close family?

Perhaps you should speak to your GP directly and explain the situation. If they don't mind then your DM will have to lump it!

When we got married we had no guests at all it was lovely!

Not much understanding tomarto:

(from a regitrar office website)

14. For the purposes of defining a dignified and seemly location for the solemnisation of marriage the following criteria will apply:

... The location of the room(s) for marriage will be prominently displayed in the building and access is always made available to any member of the public who may wish to attend a marriage. If any member of the public wishes to object to the ceremony on legal grounds they must have the right to unfettered access to witness the marriage and make objections prior to or during the ceremony.

Sorry that should say "Not MY understanding..."