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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let DD go to this swimming party...

124 replies

Eve4Walle · 28/01/2010 17:01

because it states on the invite that I'll have to get in the water with her?

Invite is from a very nice little boy in her class, who is having a joint pool party with another little boy in the next class.

The Mums at school are generally a nice bunch but I really can't face getting my flabby bits out in front of them and being judged, as I undoubtedly will (as will all the other Mums). DH has already said he won't take her so what am I to do?

OP posts:

BarkisIsWilling · 30/01/2010 09:51

I think, as someone else said, that it's a ratio of 1 adult to 3 kids in pools. That being the case, it's highly unlikely that you will have to get in the pool, as I'd imagine that for 30 kids for example, there'd be 10-12 adults.

Any more, and it would be overcrowded. Of course I'm thinking of leisure centre-type pools as opposed to Tiki Park ones.

You could call up the mum and say something along the lines of you not being able to get into the pool (she might think it was your period or something) and that you'd be happy to help, say, with party games or setting out the party food, or even don't volunteer if you don't want to.

BTW, what reason did you give your dad for not going?

MyHouseIsASquashAndASqueeze · 30/01/2010 10:29

YANBU as I know it's not easy to just turn off body consciousness but it makes me very sad that so many people feel this way. Flabby bits shouldn't matter, it should just be about having good fun splashing about in the pool (or having a natter at the side while watching the little ones splashing if they're old enough).

jellybeans · 30/01/2010 10:42

I turn down swimming parties until they are old enough to swim 25m which is about 9 years. No way would i go in with them and neither would DH. YANBU.

ninedragons · 30/01/2010 11:06

I am getting to an age that I tend to think ah fuck it, this is me, if you don't like it, avert your eyes.

But while I have abundant wobbly bits, I am also a very good swimmer (much like a dugong or a manatee) and I find a casual tumble-turn or a bit of neat, fast freestyle seems to make people go oh... can you show me how to do that?

seeker · 30/01/2010 14:51

" I turn down swimming parties until they are old enough to swim 25m which is about 9 years. No way would i go in with them and neither would DH. YANBU."

So how do they learn to do this if you never take them swimming????

jellybeans · 30/01/2010 15:32

Mine all went to swimming lessons from age 4 (on their own in a group with instructor) and before that on holiday or occasional swim tots with me with the first 2. I only feel confident on their own at swim parties at 9ish as this is the age they are more water confident and good swimmers. I wouldn't let my 7 year olds on their own to a swim party as even though they can swim, it just seems too young and all it takes is distraction and someone could be in trouble.

Naetha · 30/01/2010 16:12

Sorry but YABU - you're stopping your DD having fun with her friends because you feel self conscious about your body?

What sort of message is that sending out? Either you have low self esteem issues, or you're too fat. Both are poor ideals to pass on to your kids, and can be easily redeemed.

Go on a diet.

Original poster

Eve4Walle · 30/01/2010 16:51

Yeah, thanks for that Naetha. That really helps.

As I said earlier, I am a size 16, pretty average really, is that too fat? And again, as I said earlier, I do have low self-esteem but it comes from many years of battling Bulimia and coming out the other side. Would you tell an anorexic to lose more weight if she felt bad about herself? I think not. It's just not that easy.

Your attitude sucks IMHO.

OP posts:

seeker · 30/01/2010 17:13

Naetha - that was unforgivable.

However, I do think that giving your children the message that there is only one acceptable body shape and because you aren't it you're not going to take them swimming is a really bad idea.

Naetha · 30/01/2010 18:59

Sorry I didn't have the chance to re-read before I posted (was in a rush), didn't mean it to sound quite so acerbic.

I'm size 16-18, and regularly take my DCs swimming with people I know (but not necessarily great friends IYSWIM). I don't mind what people think - my DCs having fun, is more important than the opinions of people whose opinions on my weight/shape I don't care about.

If your weight is really bothering you (and I take not wanting to go swimming with your DC as bothering you), then there is plenty you can do to make a difference, even if it starts with little steps.

It's because of that that I feel you are being if not unreasonable, then unfair to your DCs, and likely to pass on to them the same issues that you have.

cat64 · 31/01/2010 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Eurostar · 31/01/2010 00:23

but Cat, these pools only allow the parties when there is a low kid/adult ratio. Do you want the parents to go out and find random adults? Can imagine some complaints if that happened! A few parents usually help out at all sorts of parties ime. I find that kids love swimming parties, all that space and the chance to use the floats and toys that you can't mess around with in a general session. Why begrudge them that.

Overall, this thread is really bloody sad. How awful to be so scared that you will be judged in this way.

You who are too scared to strip off need to take a few holidays in Northern European spas where nekkid is the norm and learn not to be ashamed of your bodies. Since when does cellulite and droopy bits make us bad people?

cat64 · 31/01/2010 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jasper · 31/01/2010 00:40

Eve, please go! Noone is looking at you body, and as you said, you are proud of it and what it has achieved.

Absolutely noone is judging you!
Your daughter wants to go. and she wants you there too.

PLEASE GO!!

Do you judge your larger friends?

One of my best friends is a size 20. She frets endlessly over her shape and weight. She is gorgeous and everyone loves her just as she is but she can't see it.

It's the same with you.

Do YOU care about other womens' weight? Do you judge the school mums on their size? Of course you don't.

And they don't either!

Mumcentreplus · 31/01/2010 00:45

but the OP has said why she doesn't want go

'The Mums at school are generally a nice bunch but I really can't face getting my flabby bits out in front of them and being judged, as I undoubtedly will (as will all the other Mums).'

shes not going because she doesn't want to be judged by her flabby bits...

jasper · 31/01/2010 01:30

NOONE cares/notices/judges her flabby bits

ArcticFox · 31/01/2010 01:52

YABU

What sort of message are you sending your daughter by not going because you don't want to be seen in a swimsuit?

Presumably you want her to grow up understanding that people come in all shapes and sizes and that your body is jut that and not something to be embarassed about.

Even though you think you don't vocalise your insecurities she will pick up on them. I think your mid-thirties is probably old enough to realise you're never going to look like Kate Moss and just accept that.

Btw- if you don't take her, I think you should look her in the face and tell her the real reason she's not going and not just hide the invitation/ make up an excuse. Maybe by actually saying it out loud to someone who values you with no regard for your appearance, you'll realise how lame it sounds.

If anyone is bitchy about how you look, at least you know who is not worth talking to anymore!

jasper · 31/01/2010 01:59

well put foxy

seeker · 31/01/2010 08:18

OK cat - so no swimming parties until they are 8? Is that what you are saying? Because that's the alternative - you need an adult for every 2 under 8s at most pools.

CantSupinate · 31/01/2010 10:33

I don't have enough friends who I could rely on to come in pool if asked, and no relatives within 100 miles.... So basically... we could just about host a swimming party of 7 (including my 4, lol).

diddl · 31/01/2010 10:43

What happened?

SeaTrek · 31/01/2010 11:07

First of all I do think it is an inappropriate party for young children! I agree that these parties are really for children of 8/9 who can swim!

I have to admit that I have declined a party for my son (thankfully he wasn't aware of it) because it involved a 45 min drive to the venue, being with him at the party(outside in January) for 2 hrs, and then the drive back. I work, my weekends are too precious for that! I did feel a bit bad though - I stretched an excuse!

I think it is a shame that you feel the way you do about being seen in a swimming suit, but I do sympathise. I definately would not tell your daughter this. If you really don't want to do it then I would not go, and find an appropriate excuse. I am sure you are not the only one who is uneasy about this invitation.

cat64 · 31/01/2010 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jix · 31/01/2010 20:47

My daughter loves swimming and has always really enjoyed her swimming parties. So I don't agree that the mother is being unreasonable in sending out the invitations. It's then up to the people invited if they want to come or not.
As for this party I'd like to encourage you to go.
Feel your fear and do it anyway! Embrace life!

Your daughter will love it and you'll be really proud of yourself for overcoming your anxieties. I'm sure you'll realise it won't be as bad as you thought.

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