(Dear IPOATthe Fourth, that a happy ending is altogether unlikely?

[Hullygully]

Or not?

MAIDEN JUICE, eh?

Is it in capital letters cos it's trademarked?

Tatting, dear Princessa, is what we married ladies do of an afternoon before we go out to drop calling cards everywhere and take a little light tisane.

Mme D'jibouti always uses capitals and I have graciously adopted her preference.

Parma violet, anyone?

I have been whiling away the afternoon scattering daguerrotypes of the renewed Mr Rochester throughout various Halls on the flimsiest of pretexts.

But I prefer tatting.

Wonders how dear Gibbon fares with the Ambassador and Nigel, and of course Ms Mary with her hasty and unexpected wedding to Avon. Mayhap she would care to tatt with us.

please can I get down from the table now, Mum?

My Princessa, do lower your skirts, that is indeed a sadly malformed foot. I shall have to spare you a little MAIDEN JUICE after all.

Oh tis a wonderful day is it not? I have been riding, as you will remember twas our favourite pass time, and I am ruddy of cheek and sore of thighs....but oh so happy!

Do sit Gibbon dear. It's tatting time now. Does young Nigel have his primer?

Oh dear God, have I stumbled upon more hedonistic ways? did we not leave those days behine when we agreed to return to the hall?

Tatting is a matronly and most suitable occupation, Gibbon. The days of wine and roses are departed and now there is decorum and the long march to the grave to look forward to. Oh, and Nigel's eventual matriculation, of course.

I have summoned the seamstress to return and fashion us more suitable matronly garments like this.

Oh...is this what we are to do to occupy our days Hully Dear? And we are to wear...that?

Hoh yes. We are Married now and we have Responsibilities. Those carefree days are over. And you are only to permit congress for procreational purposes and then not allowed to enjoy it.

I have learned this from my library book: A Newly Married Wife's Guide to the State of Matrimony and the Art Thereof.

Quite

Erm....so we will be happy? [hopeful]

So, no nobbbing pagan folk dancing then?

Ah, ladies, I have been down the lane to visit the old woman in the hovel there, to bestow upon her a pie, some old clothes I found in the attic and a bottle of porter. We matronly types must look to the security and comfort of the less fortunate. In return for this small kindness, she has been instructing me in improving my macrame, and I have made this. Do you think it is suitable for a light supper in the winter parlour?

Why, how very unusual! I think a light supper in the winter parlour would suit it admirably.

I thought later we might take turns reading the bible while the menfolk do manly things with cigars and highly polished boots.

I have here a small but eminently useful book, gifted to me by my late first husband. I shall read to you some useful extracts, so that you may improve as wives. It is called 'Don'ts for Wives'.

Ahem

"Don't sulk with your husband. If he has annoyed you about something, 'get it off your chest'. A sulky wife is as bad as a termagent."

"Don't vegetate as you grow older if you happen to live in the country. Some women are like cows, but there is really no need to stagnate. Keep both brain and body on the move."

One is allowed to mention one's source of grievance? I thought one had to swallow it and choke on its bitter burning taste with wifely gratitude for even that crumb of husbandly provision. What news!

"Don't 'manage' your husband too visibly. Of course, he may require the most careful management, but you don't want your friends to think of him as a hen-pecked husband. Above all, never let him think you manage him."

"Don't cease to be lovers because you are married. There is no need for the honeymoon to come to an end while you live."

Why, this is radical nonsense.

1913? Why, it must have dropped through another of those worm-holes, much as Mr Carter did. I think I had better burn it forthwith, before we get inappropriately modern sensibilities thrust upon us.

"Don't open the door for yourself when your husband is present. He would open it for a lady guest, let him open it for you. Besides, your boys will not learn the little courtesies that count nearly so well by precept as by example."

Well, that one may be useful, especially with Nigel around.

I am sure we will all do splendidly. We must keep our spirits up ladies.