To think being a Single Mum can be a good thing?

[WashwithCare]

More state benefits.

25% off your council tax.

No man-pong socks to wash.

Childfree weekends to have fantastic hotel-sex with your luvver.

'What do you do with your children while you're off having hotel sex?'

send them to grandparents or best friend its all a cunning plan to make sure I dont go nuts and spend quality time with my DH.

so DH spending 1 full day with your DD would not be fair?..to whom? rod for your own back..have you spent a whole day with your DD?...what happened?..

and dont you get annual leave?..get nanny in on a Saturday then..you can afford it cant you?

its all in the planning love.

WWc, so your DH gives more time and effort to his first step children over yours? He sounds like an arse. How did you marry a man like this?

Oh come now. This bit of nonsense is much too easy to be the work of the same enlightened individuals who pulled the 'Working Mums make bad mothers' stint.....
Or is it......
[rolls eyes]

YABU, how can it on average be better to have one person instead of two? I think three is the ideal number to look after one small child!

On average it is also a worse situation for the child(ren).

And I am that you think it would be unfair to leave your DD with DH, biological father or no. Would he really find that in any way unreasonable?

So is WWC a 'troll' or not? I'd like to know mumsnet - how do we ask, especially if they say they've been contacted already...?

Or is it possible that someone can really be that much of a stirrer naturally? All that copying and pasting of people's posts....sorry if you're not WWC.

I don't know. At least we've all managed to have a bit of a say about single-parenting. And most of us normals seem to agree/share experiences.

I s'pose it's fun in a way. But it does upset me that people can think that it's fun to bait single mums or think we're all lazy dole-bludgers

And might I add it can be a very disturbing time for many women/men who are left up the creek without a paddle when left to rear a child/children alone...it's not really something to joke about in a negative way.

Altho it's good to look at the bright side of it all in a sympathetic way to cheer us up and unite us in our common experience.

"If DH takes over, it is limited half-hearted help for an hour or so, where as separated dad will take children off and properly take over... that's all I'm saying...."

Poor you, I know (because you pointed it out on another thread) that my partner of 20 years and I aint in a proper relationship cos we're not married - but he cooks, he cleans, he takes the kids out and I get lots of lovely time to myself.

((hugs))

WWC - I mean this in all sincerity, but I think you need to seriously seek professional help in relation to your marriage. You don't seem particularly happy.

Admittedly, it is a complicated situation - you DH is not your DD's father, but then, if you intend on spending your life with him, surely he should take on more of a fathering role, particularly if her natural father isn't in the picture. What will happen when new DC arrives? Do you think he'll help out more then, as it's his natural child?

Have you actually discussed with your DH how unhappy you are with the situation. You said that you work - so are you also working full time? You need to figure out what you expect each party to do. So, maybe he works long hours and contributes more money, but then in return he should pay for a cleaner or something, to help with maintaining the household.

I agree with Ilovetiffany ....what childfree weekends !!!!! I am with my dd 24-7(except when she is at school and I am at work) and cannot remember the last time I had a night out. I'm lucky if I get a child free hour let alone a weekend lol.

WWC - "my experience of other working mums is that DHs assume that it is Mum who does the pick ups... and if DH has a work crisis, assumes that he can stay... if nanny is ill, it is usually mum who stays at home...

I still have a busy job and am heavily pg, so if I want a lie in or time to myself, it's down to DH or DD's Dadreally, as have no family near by. If DH takes over, it is limited half-hearted help for an hour or so, where as separated dad will take children off and properly take over... that's all I'm saying...."

Sounds to me like you need to give your DH a kick up the backside if all he gives is limited half-hearted help. Mine gives a lot of help and its a long way from half-hearted. I think the difference is that he doesn't see it as "help", he sees parenting as a shared responsibility, So he's just as likely to do drop-offs, pick-ups etc - that's part and parcel of a two-working parent family.

He has his faults, but half-hearted parenting is not one of them!

dd3 was poorly last week - dh took two days working from home, I took 1 day annual leave. We always make this sort of arrangement if one of the children is ill - also for school holidays. Contrary to wwc's 'experience' I think that's what most working parents do.

NL - Ok, that's interesting. I think it more accepted that Mum leaves to deal with emergencies or exceptional appointments etc. My expereince is that the mum is more likely to work part-time, and employers are generally more sympathetic to her need to have to leave.

DH hasn't been home before bedtime any day this week. If he did leave no would probably say, oh you can't! However, it would definitely affect his career. Working short hours has blown my career to pot - however, if he left too, it would mean we both suffered career wise - which I don't think is a good strategy for us as a family.

Also, could just be my DD, but I find she only wants me if she is sick anyway.

Serenity - I am not unhappy with the situation. DD has an involved bio-Dad, and I have paid doemstic help. I look at it this way, I have 2 days to chill at home with DD before the w/e. DH is exhausted - and expecting him to do childcare all day whilst I go out to relax would be outrageous. Besides DD (because I spend most time with her) is very bonded with me, and wouldnt' want to spend day with DH alone.

However, I accept that perhaps my views are skewed because the way we have chosen to set up our family stuff means that DH isn't much pratical help.

WWC what's your Dh's occupation?..

That's a circular argument, WWC. Your husband can't spend time with your daughter because she only wants you, but your daughter only wants you because you spend most time with her. I mean, you can continue that way, or you (the collective you, the family) can make an effort to split family time such that your children enjoy time with both parents.

If you're not unhappy, why speculate that being single, with all its attendant disadvantages, would be better?

He's a lawyer. Tortoise - I was really thinking through the difference between now and my last pg - when I was single. The downside this time has been DH expecting to have a say in things which I didn't need to consult anyone on last time, e.g. how long baby stays in our room. The other downside has been some stress around DH's job and his stepkids, which obviously wouldn't arise if I was single - though there would be other stresses, I agree.

I was just speculating on why the common wisdom is that it is harder, as I haven't felt like I've got much more practical help. The hours are long in DH's job, and although I suppose I could insist that I got him to do the shopping every other week or learnt where toys in the cupboard are etc., or make him find someone for dd to play with that afternoon - it is almost always easier to me to do it myself, and carries less risk of him totally screwing it up.

I'm really suprrised other posters find their partners so helpful. Perhaps I am just doing it all wrong!

If your attitude that is that your DH is likely to "screw up" whatever you ask him to do, this might in part explain his reluctance to do things.

DH does loads, both in terms of housework and with the children, and very often I have to bite my tongue as things go wrong, or he doesn't do things as I would. If I was criticising everything, I could imagine he would be much more reluctant - as anyone would.

WWC - how will you feel if he keeps the same parenting distance from your new shared baby? You say your DD has a very involved bio-Dad, doesn't your new baby deserve the same, rather than half-hearted parenting.

You might find he changes when baby arrives anyway, in which case you just have to be careful that your DD doesn't feel left out.

I would suggest designating some jobs for him, where they aren't necessarily dependent on being home at 7pm. Eg, weekend activities, shopping, playdate arrangement etc.

I doubt DH will be instantly more hands-on with our baby tbh. Didnt' want to mention the steps as it seems to be a bit of a flash topic here... but DH has generally left me to do the household stuff with them - like organsie food for them... or organise the decorators, tradesmen etc when we let them do their own rooms as they wanted them... so kids had general ideas, and muggins got to put them in practice...

I'm not saying DH would leave them to starve - but unless I filled the fridge it would be take away pizza

WWC - I guess it depends on whether you are going back to work. If not, then I'd still expect him to parent, but maybe not to do shopping etc. If you do, then even if its not a 50/50 split because of his longer hours, then he has to do something. Otherwise you are effectively caring for 4 kids (I think?), 2 adults and holding down a job.

Try totting up hours spent on hh tasks - I bet you "work" longer hours than him.

'it is almost always easier to me to do it myself, and carries less risk of him totally screwing it up.'

rod for your own back WWC...no matter how many hrs he works he's still a father..there were times I had to leave the room because my DH wasn't doing things according to *my plan or 'screwing it up'..but I realised the end result was what is important...you cannot allow your DH to be a distant father it really affects you (it is already) and your children..and it doesn't matter if he is not the birth father...he is still the childs father

Yes great life being a single mum !!
those tax credits are a such a lot of money they changed my life completley
no maintenance so only little old me to put food on the table,buy clothes,shoes,pay the bills ,keep a roof over our heads etc etc
so much for child free weekends
ex picked dd up from school at 3.30pm yesterday .i am now sat here waiting for her to be dropped off at 8am as he has things to do today !!!
me ?? i was in bed last night by 9pm as i was so bloody knackered after being at work all week and running around after dd's
Great life !!

WWC, your life sounds rubbish. On the surface, you've got the DH, nanny, fancy pants house. But, tbh, I'm glad I'm single after domestic abuse and my DD's dad is a tosser who can't even be trusted to phone when he says. I also work, but I use my money to make mine and DD's life better - what is the point of yours?

Just add my bit here.

I'm a single mum, don't get the 25% discount, work full time and also have a part time job. I am just scrapping by. Can't go out can't afford it and only have just enough clothes for work. Going to be wearing rags soon if i don't get another job!

Yes, i get peace and quiet, too much sometimes. The house stays tidy. But the over whelming feeling i get of carrying everything on my own is too much for me to take most of the time. Sometimes i would rather not be here at all, really i wouldn't.

So reading your post makes me realise you just haven't got a clue really.

I can't take days off sick, couldn't pay the bills, that is hard. Can't have a holiday can't ever imagine having enough money to do that!! But most of all it is the fact that if i don't work i lose my house etc., etc., That is a big thing to carry on your own.

I have so much respect for single mums. I always did anyway, but now i am one i totally realise just what they have to cope with.

how did i just KNOW this was going to be a WWC thread.

I have a friend who has just gotten herself pregnant through AI. She is a professional, is going to return to work straight away. She has childcare in place. She has always wanted a baby and feels she wont meet the right man (shes deluded about that!).Knowing my friend, she has thought through every possibility. But i still think she is in for a VERY big surprise.

WWC - do you not actually have a life?