To think my ante-natel classes didn't really prepare me?

[froglegs]

Our baby is coming up for 3 months. Its our first and we were totally clueless so we took (expensive) antenatel classes before hand and the more I think about the less I think they really prepared me - in fact I think they made me a bit deluded!

I have a few times ended up feeling a failure as things have not worked out as we were 'taught' in relation to the birth, post-natel experience, feeding, sleep etc

I understand that class time is limited for such a vast topic but I feel a bit cheated. The only really helpful thing to come out of the classes was the people we met.

Does anyone else feel this way?

feedback!!
was it NCT?

er yes

If I'm honest, I don't think that anything can prepare you for the arrival of your first child. Each birth is different; each parent is different; and each baby is different. You can be advised on some fairly generic stuff - what usually happens during the first birth or how a baby's routine usually develops. But one thing more than anything is true: it will be different for everyone.

The danger of course is that by attending courses such as these you could be setting yourself up to view yourself as a failure as things are not quite following the script given.

It is one of the toughest things ever, bringing a new life into the world. Not only are you suddenly totally responsible for a new life - you bear that huge responsibility suffering from sleep deprivation like you have never known!

The only advice I can give is try to relax and try your best not to compare youself or your baby to others. Which is a very difficult thing to do, I appreciate.

I'm sorry for plugging my blog, but I've been thinking about this a lot recently from the other end of the equation (as a new antenatal teacher - not NCT, but with quite a few sympathies with them).

Funnily enough, I wrote this post last night about education without blame.

The difficulty is that if you teach women to have low expectations, it reduces their chance of getting the birth they want. If they go into labour with a good idea of what they want, they feel more able to support themselves and to ask for what they need. Getting a 'natural' birth if you want one has a lot to do with positive thinking.

But it doesn't always work, no matter how determined you are. And the difficulty for antenatal teachers is that if it doesn't and we've said 'natural birth is possible' that we're charged with creating unrealistic expectations and women have farther to fall into disappointment (and birth trauma and PND).

From personal experience, I had a caesarean with my first baby after I planned a home birth and then failed to progress. Subsequently, I had two VBACs.

I was disappointed with my caesarean - I'd been to NCT classes and thought natural birth was just a matter of effort. Following the C-Section, I felt that it was all a bit random. My first VBAC was relatively easy. My second one was slow and stalling and I felt I had to 'work hard' - keep very active, do a lot of mental visualisation.

There's no ideal answer. I feel as educators, we have to be empowering. We have to encourage women and show them that their body is capable of great things. We also have to show them how to get the support they need and to maximise their chances of getting the birth they want. But we have to also prepare them that sometimes it doesn't all go to plan, it's not their fault and be there for them afterwards (which is where a lot of antenatal teachers fail.)

Will be watching this thread with interest as I'm planning more work in this area.

Hi Changing, Yes I understand they nothing can prepare you for have a baby but am examples of the things I was told were:

'a midwife will help you to breastfeed in the postnatel ward' - (didnt happen)
'there isnt much to bottle feeding - you just put the powder in with some water and thats it..anyway on to breastfeeding' (there is so much more the bottle feeding)
'you will get engorgement of breasts after a few days' - (didnt happen)

Maybe it just got the wrong end of the stick but no-one said that these things might not happen and not to worry or heres what to do.

I would add:

"You may have to have an emergency caesarian. Here is what happens in a Caesarian"

and

"you may be in so much pain that a TENS machine merely feels like a mosquito annoyingly buzzing round you"

Can't say that the expensive NCT classes were helpful at all! There was so much emphasis on what happens in the labour ward and really nothing can prepare you for labour and the best laid birthing plans go out the window ...

The other reason for joining the classes was to get a support network, but I really had nothing more than my pregnancy in common with the other couples and we all went our own ways pretty quickly. There was also meet-ups arranged and it just made me feel worse speaking to the other mums who just seemed to have it all together and coping ...

I would have so liked it if someone had actually told me that the real work begins when baby arrives home and some reassurances and help with breastfeeding. There wasn't much advice or help given and I struggled like mad and felt I was just swinging in the wind when it came to any help. It was only thanks to a NHS breastfeeding councellor (sp??) who offered me the support I needed.

I agree Itsjust

What happens after the birth is so much more challenging

I think there's a tendency to forget everything from antenatal classes. The environment of the class is a world away from the mindset you are in when you actually go into labour.

This is where I think a doula is quite a good thing because she can help you remember what you need to know and keep it relevant to you.

Another difficulty I think is that everyone has different expectations of birth anyway - some women want to do everything to get a drug-free delivery. Some want an epidural in the car park. The NCT does tend to swing towards promoting drug-free birth (as do I - but I'm upfront about this.)

I do wonder how much pressure comes from the classes and how much pressure comes from ourselves though?

Also I was induced due to HPB had an epidural and a forceps birth and didnt get to have the 'skin on skin' that was drilled into us - I spent the first week thinking i'd ruined the bonding between me and the baby.

I'd like to point out that I think NCT do good work and this is just a personal thing for me.
I am sure many people find the classes a great help - the best bits for me were the fact I met great people (as I have said) and it was something that my partner could get involved in.

(In my NCT class, we re-enacted a caesarean and went into it in quite a lot of detail, just fwiw)

too right antenatal classes (NHS or NCT) don't prepare you! no one told me I'd have a third degree tear and nearly have my backside ripped to shreds as he was being delivered.

now that's the kind of stuff that should be covered in antenatal classes, none of this fluffy childbirth stuff that they bang on about. yes it's all lovely if it goes well, but for others, it doesn't always go so well and let's be honest, a little more info on what can go wrong would be nice. I'd rather not go in blind, thank you very much.

Carmen - sorry - hadn't read your post before I posted. I am just wondering really, how far you can know what you want with a first birth.

I also had a VBAC second time around, and armed myself with information so I felt more in control (had a debrief with a midwife about DS1s birth, and spoke to an independent midwife).

Actually, the birth itself went very similarly, except I managed on gas and air for longer before the epidural, but even if it had gone to a CS again, I would have not felt traumatised, guilty and disappointed like I did the first time.

Carmen
only had NHS classes ironically, and CS were hardly mentioned. But I agree, I kind of flipped over those pages in the baby books, so I take your point about it being our expectations that are partly to blame

lovechoc, not arguing with your point but what good does it actually do if a woman is pregnant to list all the things that can go wrong in labour?

"Oh, well you could have a cord prolapse, a uterine rupture, a stillbirth, a huge tear, shoulder dystocia etc. etc."

I don't think many of the pregnant women I've worked with would thank me for that.

My training (ICEA) has veered towards covering what is most likely to 'go wrong' and how to deal with it. (i.e. how to improve things during failure to progress, what happens if you have an emergency caesarean and what your options are if that happens) and to have a general conversation that sometimes very bad things can happen and where you can go to get help and support.

What else do you think we should be doing?

Me again - just read your blog Carmen. Spot on.

If I'm honest, I did not feel as determined to breast feed as all that (I'd say, a 6-7).

If you spent your whole antenatal class talking about third degree tears, incontinence, crash c-sections, assisted births, breastfeeding problems and postnatal depression you'd have women in hysterics.

Women need to be learn about pain relief and practical strategies for coping with labour.

And they also need to be told that the way they're cared for in labour within the NHS may well make it difficult for them to have a normal birth.

I also didnt look at any books in detail,I naively assumed NCT would tell me all I needed to know! - ha ha.

I am training to be an antenatal teacher and agree with everything CarmenSanDiego says. It is a really tricky to tread the fine line between empowering women to believe in the power of their bodies to birth naturally and warning them about the reality of most hospitals, the reality of the implications of some pain-relief options how disempowered they may be made to feel.

Also it has been found that lots of clients just do not take in what they are told about the postnatal period. They are so focussed on the birth which is understandable. Also how can you warn someone what those endless lonely newborn nights are like? They would not believe it! Although maybe we should tell them it is easy compared to a newborn and a toddler!

how far you can know what you want with a first birth.

Jamie, that's a really good question. I think it really depends on women themselves. Women know vaguely where they feel comfortable (home, hospital, birth centre for example). They know what triggers their anxiety buttons, what makes them feel relaxed, what their pain threshold is like (although this one is more complicated because so many factors come in to play during birth).

I meet women who are "I want an epidural in the car park!" and I meet some who are "I don't want any drugs at all."

Birth is such a venture into the unknown, but I do feel strongly that educating women that it is /usually/ manageable does help. Most women already have some ideas from the media - and not always very helpful or realistic ones. (Oh good, another screamy/sweary/panicky Sitcom birth)

NCT is always going to take the flack for women's disappointed expectations.

Far more women should be able to have normal births, and the fact that they don't is something we should all be shouting about.

At the moment I get the feeling a lot of people think the sensible approach is to encourage women to have really low expectations: "you'll lose all your dignity - you won't care that the room is full of strangers"; "just take all the pain relief going - there are no rewards for going without an epidural!". How grim.

And they also need to be told that the way they're cared for in labour within the NHS may well make it difficult for them to have a normal birth.

Really good point. And in the US, it's damn near impossible. I really feel I'm setting women up for disappointment here because you have to be /incredibly/ strong-willed to stand up to doctors and 'hospital policies' at the best of times, let alone when you're in pain and trying to focus on getting a damn baby out, and you just shouldn't have to.

I really think there should be more of a hybrid of doula and educator - it's not enough to have the theoretical preparation, you need someone there with you, fighting your corner and helping you put it into practice, on the day.

This Book was one of the most helpful books I read - but not everyone agrees ...

RollBauble It's interesting what you say about hospitals disempowering you.

I remember doing pre-natal yoga and being told about the importance of keeping upright, walking, sitting on a birthing ball during labour, the e fact that the hospital will want to strap you down and monitor you ...

What hit me was that I had no desire to be upright, simply could not conceive (pardon the pun) of moving about and off the bed (neither in my first or second births). The pain disempowered me.