To think my ante-natel classes didn't really prepare me?

[froglegs]

Our baby is coming up for 3 months. Its our first and we were totally clueless so we took (expensive) antenatel classes before hand and the more I think about the less I think they really prepared me - in fact I think they made me a bit deluded!

I have a few times ended up feeling a failure as things have not worked out as we were 'taught' in relation to the birth, post-natel experience, feeding, sleep etc

I understand that class time is limited for such a vast topic but I feel a bit cheated. The only really helpful thing to come out of the classes was the people we met.

Does anyone else feel this way?

sorry I don't agree (the joys of MN!) I'd rather have it straight what can go wrong. Better that than not knowing and being panicked at the last minute when it all goes wrong! Makes it more traumatic. Ofcourse I'm the only one on this thread (so far) who can speak from having a traumatic birth from a 'natural' delivery point of view. I would have liked to have known more about tearing at antenatal classes, so at least I'd know there's a chance it could have happen (and it did happen).

"the reality of the implications of some pain-relief options"

Yes - amazing what faith women have in the 'pain relief menu'.

My last post wasn't very clear..what I meant was that when things go wrong it is more traumatic when you don't have prior knowledge about something than if you do. If you know more about C-Sections, and other things that can go wrong (unexpectedly) the whole experience may not be as traumatic for women.

This angers me the fact that all these silly textbooks out there go on about the 'perfect' birth - what's that then?? doesn't happen for all of us sadly.

bitterness showing now...

I don't know.. I didn't believe a C-Section could happen to me (even though we'd talked it over in class in detail). I was pretty smug about it. It was a shock when I ended up giving birth under general anaesthetic

I still feel though if the nurses had got me active and upright, I'd have stood more chance. My third birth seemed very similar - same sized baby, long, stalling labour but this time, the midwife made me move a lot and made me work hard mentally to visualise moving the baby down, relaxing the right muscles. Also I was at home and had water as an option so the stress was reduced.

Of course I can't prove the outcome one way or another - whether being active would have helped first time, or whether my third birth would have been unsuccessful if I'd stayed lying down, but I do think it made a difference.

The problem is, antenatal classes didn't help me - it was my support during the actual birth which made the difference imo.

Yes, you are probably right Carmen

It would take a strong person to stand up to me (and stand me up) during DS2s birth. I had DH in a vice-like grip the whole 13 hours and refused to let him out of my sight for more than 1 contraction. I also swore at the obstetrician

One of the big things for me was the lack of info on bottled feeding.
I just assumed that I would be able to breastfeed so was not prepared at all when he would'nt feed/ I had no milk/ he got jundiced. We were advised to give him a bit bit of formula and ended up rushing about getting bottles and a sterlizer.

I am not blaming anyone and I appreciate the NCT can't been seem to promote bottle feeding but I really think more info needs to be given for when you can't breastfeed.

There is so much more to bottlefeeding then just shoving some powder in some water which is all we were told.

I am only just coming to terms with the fact that I wasnt succesful at breastfeeding - but thats a different issue!

sorry about all the mistakes - am typing one handed

froglegs that's also another thing that bugs me. most MWs go on about breastfeeding this and breastfeeding that. rather than being biased they should be providing info on bottle feeding too. I mainly did BFing with DS but did do FFing later on so I've been on both sides of the fence. One isn't any better than the other when it comes to the happiness of the mother and baby - that's paramount (IMHO).

I recently met up with a friend who has a 6 week old baby and she said she had to give up BFing when her baby was 3 wks old. She feels guilty for it, and that to me just emphasises how the NHS is making women feel like failures because of their breastfeeding propaganda. Her baby is thriving on formula and everyone is a winner because they are both doing well now. That's what counts.

I'd respectfully disagree with a few of the points about breastfeeding and bottlefeeding being equal but that's for another (probably shouty thread).

But I would say that education about breast is best MUST be backed up by proper postnatal support. There are simply not enough trained lactation professionals out there. It's no good telling women to just get on with it and breastfeed and then to leave them flailing when they encounter difficulties.

I still haven't forgiven my ante natal teacher for telling me the following things:

• Ventouse is just a small sink plunger (I know there is a type that is like this but I was totally unprepared for the gas powered)

contraption they wheeled out

• Forceps are like salad tongues (er, try lacrosse racquets! I know if I'd thought about the fact that they had to fit around a babies head then I would have realised they would be bigger, but it totally freaked me out when the Dr disappeared into a cupboard and came out with those)

and, my absolute favourite:

• Epidurals mean that thousands of women have no idea what it feels like to give birth (yes, by the time I had my epidural I didn't want to feel anything thanks very much. Sadly the medical team decided to cut the supply after about 2 doses which meant I didn't have one in place for the 2nd stage. If the stupid bint had told me that they sometimes do that I may not have bothered having one at all!

My classes were 18 months ago and I still boil with rage over that stupid woman and her stupid home-birth pushing, natural birthing agenda.

I would complain but I think she stopped doing the classes.

oops, freudian slip! salad tongs!

Mine was NCT btw.

GhoulsAreLoud all these things still stay with you don't they? three years on and I'm STILL bitter about what happened at DSs birth....I will never forget. And then the mums I met up with said 'oh I just want to have another baby straight away!'. I just stared at them in disbelief!

We are not saying info shouldnt be given on breastfeeding (in my area is rammed down your throat constantly) just MORE on bottle feeding!

exactly - give equal amounts of info on BFing AND FFing! no one is saying BFing shouldn't be promoted, but rather than getting biased info from the NHS, they should realise that not all mums BF, some do go on to bottle feed their babies. Getting plenty practical advice on that, would be invaluable.

Lovechoc - ha ha my DH mentioned having another one the other day - I choked on my cornflakes!

DS will be just over 3yo by the time I have #2. It's taken me this long to want to go through the whole thing all over again...can only hope that things go better next time I suppose.

I am with lovechoc - so many of my friends and I had births that veered away from the ideal that I would have liked more information on what can go wrong issues can arise.

Also re breastfeeding I heard "it may be uncomfortable, but not painful". Not true. It was very painful for me and most of my mummy friends. What would have been more useful was hearing "it is often painful, but here are some tips you may find useful: 1) get a breast pump, 2) get nipple shields (yes I do know some people hate them, but some friends and I only continued breastfed because it helped our nipples heal and limited the pain), 3) get Hypercal and take Panadol, 4) for most women it magically settles down after 4 weeks, and 5) get the numbers for La Leche League at the ready. If that's not a palatable message, imagine how awful it is to work this out as you go along - no wonder many women give up breastfeeding well before they originally intended to. Myself included, obviously (from v bitter tone).

What sort of info do you think should be given about FF ? Given that all the practical instructions are on the back of the tin ?

I agree that ante natal classes don't prepare you for the reality of labour, childbirth and the immediate post partum period but i think that the information covered has to be prioritised and I'm not sure that there is much more to bottle feeding than boiling a kettle, counting scoops and finding a teat that doesn't leak ?

The sort of information on FF I would have found helpful is:

1. It is possible to mixed feed - its not always BF or FF. Some women find mixed feeding works well for them by BF at home and FF when out and about. Although exclusively breast feeding is best.

2. There are various brands, but you may wish to consider anti colic bottles. [insert brand ie Dr Browns] is one some mothers find v good. Although we don't endorse any brand.

3. Here's a leaflet on how to best prepare bottles and other information/handy tips (some mothers I met don't actually know).

Not trying to undermine breast is best, but if someone is going to FF then surely they also need as much practical information as possible!

bunnymother thanks for being the only person on this thread who understands what it's like to experience a 'not perfect' labour or birth. are we honestly the only ones???

To have knowledge is power, and to know that things can go wrong and to be open about it at classes, is what defines empowerment. Not just all the positives, but most of the negatives too.

I am willing to bet that if more women were well informed of all the things that are likely to go wrong at a birth, then they will be less shocked and traumatised at the time of the birth and afterwards. Give it to women straight, let them know it can go wrong as well as right. Getting a balanced view is important in life. It prevents resentment and bitterness later on (speaking from personal experience here ofcourse!) and who goes through life wanting to be told all the positives all of the time?? That's a fantasy - not reality.

I think the thing that annoyed me most, talking to women who were doing NCT classes (which I did not do -- just NHS and lots of reading) was that they often seemed to think they were somehow going to be in control of what happened at their birth to an unrealistic degree. I know empowering women is good and necessary, but I don't think that a class which gives women a false sense of being able to control the uncontrollable is actually doing them, or their babies, any favours at all.

Of course, I'll never really know if it was the classes to blame, or simply the personalities of the individuals I met who chose to attend 'em, because I wasn't at the NCT classes. But there def seemed to be a pattern among the women I spoke to about it -- a sort of, I'm afraid, smugness (I'm sorry to use such a loaded word but that was what it seemed like) that made me fear they might not cope well if childbirth turned out not to be all as they were being led to expect. And this proved true for at least a few.

I had a long drug-free labour, was almost completely dilated, but eventually had an EMCS for various reasons. I wouldn't like to repeat that experience, but it didn't traumatize me or make me feel a failure, because the one thing I was sure about was that there's no point pretending you can completely control these things.

ooh xpost, sorry for repeating what has already been said

lovechoc - me too !

And me. And Carmen actually, too.