To think my ante-natel classes didn't really prepare me?

[froglegs]

Our baby is coming up for 3 months. Its our first and we were totally clueless so we took (expensive) antenatel classes before hand and the more I think about the less I think they really prepared me - in fact I think they made me a bit deluded!

I have a few times ended up feeling a failure as things have not worked out as we were 'taught' in relation to the birth, post-natel experience, feeding, sleep etc

I understand that class time is limited for such a vast topic but I feel a bit cheated. The only really helpful thing to come out of the classes was the people we met.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I'm having a stomp around the kitchen now just thinking about it all.

Parentcraft indeed! Surely the Trade Description people could have them on that.

Seriously?? What more IS there to bottlefeeding than Reading the back of the tin and chucking the requisite scoops n the water? I've had 3 kids, bottlefed the first 2 and breastfed the last and breastfeeing is complicated and needs to be taught. Bottle feeding is shove milk in bottle, shove bottle in baby.
I've never done any classes and think they are a waste of time but I don't think they should be moaned about for not covering every eventuality in the world.

Right, I'm working on my new class idea.

Realities of Birth and Parenthood

Week #1: Pregnancy
It's bloody awful. Everything swells up. You feel a bit stupid. You probably throw up a lot. You're knackered. Everyone asks nosy questions and pokes at your bump. No-one will give up a seat on the bus for you.

Week #2: Labour and birth
It's the worst thing you'll ever do in your life. You'll feel like you're trying to pass a bus and OW crowning. You'll probably rip to shreds. You might die. You'll almost certainly poo.

Week #3: Parenthood
Breastfeeding is like rabid gremlins gnawing at your nipples. Babies cry. And shit. Lots. Everyone will tell you you're doing it wrong. They'll grow up and resent you.

Am I onto a winner?

CarmenSanDiego Thu 28-Jan-10 17:47:17

"Cory: A lot of women here DO want a medicalised approach. Epidural and Pitocin is the norm and the hospital classes teach with that in mind. What I meant here is that I take the women who are actively planning against that (of course nothing is guaranteed, but their chances are better for avoiding Pitocin for example if they make a clear plan to.)"

Are you in the US? My UK experience was that antenatal teaching (not just the course, but the book you got from the NHS as well) stressed the disadvantages of pethidine for the baby so strongly that most of us would have felt quite guilty asking for that.

"I agree with you about stressing the 'not your fault' approach and this is what I've been wondering over. How you empower women without also making them feel to blame when things don't go to plan."

This is tricky. But it really has to be done. There must be some balance here between empowering and making assumptions. The fact that some women want a medicalised birth is surely no justification for hinting that every woman who ends up with a medicalised birth belongs in this camp and that all medicalised births are due to lack of empowerment?

Just be brisk about it. "Of course, as with anything else in life, things can go wrong and if they do, then this is how you can feel empowered to still make the best of the situation." And then mention things like breastfeeding after a crash section, de-briefing after a traumatic birth etc.

If you want to empower women, you need to empower them to cope with the hand they have actually been dealt, not the hand they ought to have been dealt. Not much empowerment if your basic attitude towards women like me (chronic health problems, complications in pregnancy, medicalised births, both children disabled) is that we are totally beyond empowerment. We are not- and we need it more than most.

That was what I liked about the NHS midwives that taught my course: they had seen so many shitty births (as well as many, many more lovely ones) that they had learnt how much positive can come out of even the most traumatic circumstances. They didn't provide long gruesome lists of what might happen, but they did mention a few cases and it was very reassuring. Also, I am told the trip to SCBU was a great success.

Obviously you're jocking but in all seriousness, can't there be a middle ground?

Is it not possible to say, 'the hope is that you will all have a straightforward birth and many of you will achieve that. However, some women will not be as fortunate and will need or want intervention. -CS, epidural, vont/forc.
Some women will recover well in fact most will recover well. However some.....

Some women will be euphoric and have lots of support but for those without....

This is how you look after a newborn... (I didn't knoe anything and thought as it was January that 3 layers for sleeping in was best and a wooly hat!)

Your relationship with your partner will suffer however loving and supportive he is.

The sleep deprivation nearly kills you.

Crying does not always mean they are hungry. They do not need to spend 23hour a day on the breast. (How was I to know they cried for any other reason)

-Sometimes I think that the health professionals and those running ante-natal classes forget that many of the women have literally zero experience with a baby. I had held a baby once in my life, 15yrs before I had my first. I remember reading something about speech delay and autism and being amazed that babies weren't all talking in fluent sentences before their first birthday. I though they learned to talk around 6mths.

Carmen, I don't think you'll be onto that winner until you go for the balanced approach: this might happen, but so might this. You may feel like this but not all women do.

Cory: I really like the 'dealt hand' analogy. The lady training me for ICEA actually used that. "Birth is a dealt hand, it's how you play it"

Yes - I'm in the US. Not many women have pethidine here because they mostly have epidurals. There's very little middle ground - it's home birth/birth centre or the full on medical whack. Sadly

mrc: Really good point about forgetting what it's like before you have babies. I try to remember how I felt in my first NCT class. I was 21 and had never held a baby. But there were women in their forties who were on their third and in it for the companionship and a bit of a refresher. Tricky balance.

I was in my mid 30s but no more experienced. I just didn't have a clue and those that I trusted to teach me, simply didn't. Every session was about labour and birth. I kept wanting to scream, 'Yes, but that's going to happen anyway. Tell me about what comes next.'
Why is there no provision for this?

From an outsiders POV, I'm always amazed at tv's depiction of an American birth. Those that do not have CS tend to have epidurals. But the thing that amazes me most is that they are all lying on a bed!!! If there's one thing I picked up it's that baby travels down easier if you are upright and your coxix (sp?) is not tilting forward.

I know. It's madness. Almost everyone is 'high risk' for one reason or another (age, weight, previous birth, length of pregnancy, length of labour, 'size of baby on ultrasound') Basically any reason to keep women in bed, hooked up to a monitor. And in some hospitals, the nurses have a bank of monitor screens and watch those instead of even going into women's rooms to see how they're doing.

I cringe inwardly when someone says they want a natural birth but they want to be in the hospital because their chances are so, so low of that happening

Carmen - I'm buying the first copy of your book. `will you sign it for me?

I see that you are coming from a slightly different angle then, Carmen. Here in the UK, women are encouraged to look at less heavy duty options, like gas and TENS machines, as well as epidurals. My first labour was induced and fairly intensely monitored (IUGR, bleeding in pregnancy, high BP), but I was still encouraged to have a bath in the early stages and to move around rather than lie flat on my back (which I thought quite hard as I wasn't feeling too good), I had my TENS machine and it was entirely up to me when I asked for gas (that was all I had).

Second labour would have been the same had not ds' heartbeat gone down so I was rushed for caesarian. But even then, we are talking about quite a civilised experience, with ds placed on my stomach while they sewed me up and me encouraged to breastfeed asap.

SO yes, I have no problems with the way we played my hand. But the hand could have been better.

Cory - I think we're very much on the same page actually, I'm just having to operate in this weird US context. I had my first two babies in Guernsey (close enough to the UK approach) and love TENS and water as pain relief. Gas not an option at all here.

Would you believe my obstetrician told me I should fly back to the UK if I didn't like the way she did things. My next call was to a lovely midwife

Thanks Nonno. I'm not sure the world needs any more 'guru books' though

Right, I'm working on my new class idea.

Realities of Birth and Parenthood

Week #1: Pregnancy
It's bloody awful. Everything swells up. You feel a bit stupid. You probably throw up a lot. You're knackered. Everyone asks nosy questions and pokes at your bump. No-one will give up a seat on the bus for you.

Week #2: Labour and birth
It's the worst thing you'll ever do in your life. You'll feel like you're trying to pass a bus and OW crowning. You'll probably rip to shreds. You might die. You'll almost certainly poo.

Week #3: Parenthood
Breastfeeding is like rabid gremlins gnawing at your nipples. Babies cry. And shit. Lots. Everyone will tell you you're doing it wrong. They'll grow up and resent you.

Am I onto a winner?

Yes you are onto a winner. If positives come out of it then it's a bonus. Better to tell it like it really is.

CSD

Well, I'm in the US (Berkeley) and hoping for an unmedicalised birth for my next child Of my Bradley class, only 2 of the 10 of us (unfortunately me included) had interventions (yes, yes, the epidural... we were both induced and I defy anyone to have an unmedicalized birth after an induction... I'm sure some of you have done it but OHMYGOD the unrelenting pain...) and everyone else had a completely natural birth - in a hospital, I quickly add.

I think we'll probably ask my childbirth teacher, who's become a really good friend to be there.

Also on the plus side, the actual l and d - from first contraction to delivery of placenta - was 11 hours and I only pushed for half an hour. I think, given the circs (and DS was induced for low amniotic fluid not responding to increased maternal hydration over a three week period - not all OBs here leap to do an induction....) a natural birth should be manageable and probably less time?

BTW - LOVE your parenting class idea. Don't alter it one bit

CSD - love the blog..

You can't tell an expectant mother everything - there is simply too many possiblities. I think you just need to give mums enough info for them to figure the birth/feeding regime they want, and the knowledge that it may not be possible, and some possible fall back plans.

I think all an antenatal class can do is set this direction of travel, and then what you need is proper support to do it, and help to reassess things if they arne't achievable.

I was going for a home water birth and ended up with forceps. However, this was fine. After 48 hours labouring at home, and 7 hours pushing, I felt I'd given it my best shot, and that it was a huge achievement that I'd done enough to avoid a C-section - which was one of my goals.

The ante natal stuff (mostly personal reading and discussion with my IM tbh) had been important in setting the agenda I wanted - but it probably woulnd't have happened if I hadn't the practical support of the IM through the labour too.

I think the same applies to BF-ing.. reading gave me a plan and a determination to do it, and the IM gave me the time and practical support to make it happen.

I think the issues you're trying to address are very hard, because you need both elements - the knowledge, and medical support that will enable you to operationalise your plan iyswim. If I had been an hospital, I feel I would almost have certainly ended up with a section, despite my strong desire not to have one.

Hi 14hours. I was in Berkeley the other week. Thinking of moving up to SF at some point

It's pretty tough to get through an induction without an epidural. An induced birth is basically medicalised from the get-go. But that's not really something you can help. Glad you are doing ok and are happy with your birth. Sounds like you've got a good case for a natural delivery next time round if you want one

WWCA. Yeah, I agree with you. Education/support needs to be more continuous - this is where NCT and similar come a bit unstuck. They finish you off a month or so before you give birth and then you have to remember it all for the birth itself (when it's a bit hazy and you're in pain and your husband is anxious) and you have to argue your case if necessary with medical staff who don't necessarily agree with what you learned. I suppose that's why an IM is ideal - you get the education and support all in one so as long as your philosophies gel, you are really well set up to maximise your chance of getting the birth you want.