To think my ante-natel classes didn't really prepare me?

[froglegs]

Our baby is coming up for 3 months. Its our first and we were totally clueless so we took (expensive) antenatel classes before hand and the more I think about the less I think they really prepared me - in fact I think they made me a bit deluded!

I have a few times ended up feeling a failure as things have not worked out as we were 'taught' in relation to the birth, post-natel experience, feeding, sleep etc

I understand that class time is limited for such a vast topic but I feel a bit cheated. The only really helpful thing to come out of the classes was the people we met.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Sorry, I have not read all posts, but to add my 2p worth.....my ante-natals (NHS) were full of endless discussions about how to keep yourself occupied while your cervix dilates, and then scare stories about how all pain relief was not suitable/would make you ill/was risky etc etc. I remember feeling v apprehensive coming up to birth. As it was, I had no pain relief at all for entire labour and 3hrs of pushing until emergency c sec and by then I just wanted baby out in one piece.
I needed some advice, in hindsight, of the aftershock of having a newborn. The tiredness, the discomfort initially of bf'ing, the hormonal rollercoasters...my husband and I had never even changed a nappy before ds came along. Practical skills - bathing, changing, feeding a newborn would have been useful. I bought babygros 0-3 mths, and they were all huge....no-one told me you get them in "newborn" size first....dh had to make a mad dash to Tescos. Maybe we were particularly naive, but there must have been others that had had no contact with babies before theirs came along. I did alot of reading about routines etc, and the best class was when the previous group came back to discuss their births....maybe this should be more centred around advice given from those "at the coal face" about how they felt, what they did after baby came, what was easy, what was a shock etc.
I think also some discussion around pnd would be helpful, and just how generally you can expect to feel, and the realms of what is normal emotions-wise.
My post-natal group was excellent for meeting mothers, although we did weaning in week 1 when they were 10-16 weeks approx. Poorly timed - a review of personal experiences would have been good - sleeping, feeding etc etc. However, I have recently learnt that they may be stopping this class due to lack of funds or resources, which is a huge shame; I still meet weekly 3 yrs later with 3 other mums I met at that class and we discuss our children's development as we hit each stage. They have kept me sane and I would have struggled without them.

We went to one NHS class which was crap and haven't bothered with anything else. I haven't bought or read any books and the only "preparation" I've had for this baby (WHERE ARE YOU ????) is looking after my godson when he was little.
I feel that we are going into this with no expectations of how we "should" do things, just a conviction that we'll muddle through somehow which I prefer.

i paid a lot for poncy classes with a birth guru.big mistake.she had ego size of planet gave unrealistic fluffy you are a goddess breathe the baby out and don't let dem damn scalpel wielding power crazy doctors near you.total tosh

only booked because they were in evening after work

don't know what i was thinking

I don't think any class can fully prepare you. If you need full information to feel in control before the birth then classes, books, websites -there are loads of sources of information.
I found meeting up with antenatal girls after all our babies were born was one of the most useful parts as it gave us a chance to talk about what had happened. With a placental abruption leading to an ECS, a really long labour with a 2nd degree tear and a forceps delivery due to baby distress(me) there was plenty to talk about!

Lovechoc. I think you missed my post when I said my planned home birth with dc1 turned into an EMCS under GA. Less than idea I think ;)

Sassy - At the beginning there is a lot about bottle feeding I didnt know

*there are lots of different types of formula

• " " " bottles
• You need to know how to hold the bottle in the correct way
• you need a sterilzer
• what to do when you are out and about
• how much to feed the baby and when
• The baby poo will be different than that of breastfed babys and will be less frequent
• the baby may be extra winding

• so yes, there is more to it than just measuring scoops into water - and at when I first had my baby i didnt know any of this stuff and it was a mess!

Yeah, it is quite simplistic to think there is nothing to know about bottle feeding. Without info, people can and do get it very wrong to the detriment of the child's health.

Again, I agree with LoveChoc - good to know what can, and frankly quite often seems to, happen. Forewarned and all that. DD was born by forceps as she was in distress, so I could not have taken control of the situation, nor would I have wanted to. However, would have been useful to hear a bit more about these complications as then it wouldn't have been quite the shock it was. Although obv emotion clouds things, so when its your baby you will be in shock anyway.

The above was in relation to the birth, but definitely the breast feeding NHS class we took was helpful in telling us breast is best but not helpful in providing strategies for dealing with the complications that, again, seem to frequently arise. My mummy friends and I had to muddle through together, with a lot of tears and stress along the way. I now tell all my pregnant friends to get breast pump, tetra pak of formula and bottle, nipple shields, Hypercal etc - an arsenal of "weapons" so you can try and solve the problem as easily as possible. Esp as it all seems to come to a head in the middle of the night w a screaming, hungry baby, a stressed DH and a v tired, emotional mummy w broken nipples.

Oh, and on the doula point, we had a doula. She was lovely, but was very clear that her role was not to interfere/engage with medical staff and "fight your corner" etc. She was there solely to support us and make us as comfortable as possible ie help me with my breathing.

With bottles too, what things are safe to minimise the work, mum and dad just used to make all the bottles up in the morning and leave them in the fridge, friends used to do the water and leave that in the fridge, can you use the microwave, different methods of sterilising, how the amount of the packet that different age babies should have is a guideline and how much it can vary from baby to baby, what if your baby guzzles 3 big feeds instead of 6 smaller ones, why don't you have to sterilise the spoon that comes in the pack, why does the milk come in hungry baby varietes, blah blah blah?

There are just as many things to know about bottle feeding as there is about breastfeeding! Yet zero time is spent on bottle feeding.

Yes, perhaps I phrased that badly.

A doula can't engage with medical staff as you say. But she can help you to remember and voice your birth plan if need be. And she acts as a sober, unemotional witness which is occasionally very useful on your 'support team' - particularly on this side of the pond.

MY NHS course was very good. Lots of tips on natural birth- but they also took the group up and showed them the SCBU at the local hospital (missed out on this as I was already in hospital with complications). So well balanced.

I never took the NCT classes, not because I thought I know it all, but because I had a feeling that parenting is one of those huge things that you have to "play by ear"! I'm glad that you have made some good contacts though, as a good old chinwag with people who are going through the same thing at the same time is probably the best way to survive (and explains why MN is so popular!).
Good luck - I'm on Baby No 3; some things seem easy but some things are totally different with each child...

im still in two minds about our nct classes. great contacts, noquestion about that we still meet every week 7 months later.

As for the classes I think there are things I just did not want to hear about, Our nct instructor did mention the c-section and we even kind of re-enacted it to sho how any people would be in the room so as not to be shocked about it.
I did eave feeling like if someone told me I needed a C-section I could just say no.
I don't know if that's my fault or the instructors though. was my perception warped because I really wanted a natural birth and did not hear what she was saying about anything else, or did she purposefully led us to beleive we should have a natural birth.

same goes for breastfeeding, I was just not prepared for it to not work for me. I had no bottles or formula, I was slightly judgemental about a friend of mine who gave me formula (thinking: I will breastfeed, thanks but I won't need this formula).

After an emergency c-section and my milk coming in very late and having one infection followed by another one and two consecutives courses of anitibiotics I could not bring myself to call the nct breastfeeding councillor for fear of being judged again (terrible experience at the hospital recovery ward) (after the midwife told me they would not welcome me because I had already been giving the baby poison formula in a bottle).

All this stuff above ...I think I left the nct classes feeling like if I tried enough I could avoid them. This made me feel inadequate and i dont know if it's my fault or theirs.

bunymother please come and say hello to the juners :D

Nobody told me what a sweep was, or busting the waters. apparently giving birth is the most natural thing in the world..oh really? Sod all about my labour was natural, from getting my waters broke, to that drug they give you to speed things up, to finally getting an emergency section!

Oh and nobody told me that despite telling doctors and nurses for 3 weeks solid that something was wrong and i was in agony (and i mean agony) that i wouldn't be listened to and told by triage nurses, you'l need to get a bit harder for labour.who was right...em that would be ME!! DS was born with his cord wrapped twice round his neck!twunts to the highest order!!

yes I also got 'that drug' to speed things up - think the MW had had enough of me after hours and hours, she just wanted to get a tea break (and I actually didn't blame her!). I just wanted it all to be over with, there was nothing enjoyable about it apart from the end bit when you get to see your baby ofcourse!

littlemissfixit you sound as cynical as me!

"The only really helpful thing to come out of the classes was the people we met."

Yes. But I don't think anything can really prepare you TBH.

As I have said I know nothing prepare for the shock that is motherhood but what I was told in the NCT classes was not really what is was like - it was all a bit flimsy.

I did NCT classes - but knew I wanted a water birth before I started. I was a bit acting out what it would be like to be fixed up to x, y and z with huge number of people doing different things if I needed a section.

However, things didn't go to plan - and I ended up in theatre for forceps trial then emcs.

HOWEVER, thanks to the comprehensive NCT classes, I didn't feel completely out of control - I knew what was happening, why, and was able to make informed decisions.

If I had relied on the scant information that I received at the NHS ones I attended I would not have felt that I had any control over what was happening or why.

And as for what happens after the baby arrives - yes, we did cover the basics - but they do post-natal courses too...

To be fair, labour and birth is just one aspect of classes.

I did two rounds of NCT courses as a participant and we did baby care, pregnancy anatomy (what's normal and what's not) and we spent a lot of time talking about relationship changes, how to fit a baby into life and a little on feeding choices.

There's an awful lot to cover in those eight (or whatever) sessions.

We also did relaxation every week (which is good for training your mind to be able to relax) and practised breathing exercises which again is quite useful, no matter what kind of birth you have.

We did re-enact a caesarean and we did learn what ventouse, forceps etc. were and briefly what sorts of pain relief are available.

I plan on taking a similar tack in my own classes, but focussing heavily on birth choices - getting yourself the care providers and support team you need and learning about informed consent (which often falls by the wayside in the US). I honestly don't plan to spend a lot of time talking about medical interventions - I'm not convinced women think it will happen to them so if they're not interested, they tune out anyway, and I'm quite honest about the fact I am encouraging natural birth (people are quite welcome to take one of the copious hospital courses if they want a medicalised approach). That said, I will cover the basics and have handouts available.

I think the most valuable thing I can give as an educator in the parts of the class that are about preparation for birth are the tools (like breathing, relaxation, how to use a birth ball etc.) and the information (what IC is, your rights, doulas, building a good support team). While I can touch on medical interventions, I'm not going to dedicate more than one class to them.

I'm quite honestly not going to be able to spend a class on things that can go wrong. It's just unworkable and would leave a very depressed, pessimistic group. Because what good does it do? I can teach women how to maximise their chances of something NOT going wrong. I can teach them some coping techniques for what to do if things DO go wrong (and techniques like BRAIN for assessing benefits/risks/alternatives etc.) if interventions are suggested and I can give them lists of places to go to get help should they be affected by stillbirth, birth trauma etc. etc.. But it doesn't help anyone to say, "Oh, by the way, you might bleed to death after the birth."

I'm genuinely interested here though - if you think negative outcomes, how do you think those should be approached in class? From my experience, we had a stillbirth in our NCT class (the first of us to give birth ) and the teacher was wonderful. She spent a lot of time talking it over with us, our fears and what we could do to help our fellow group member. I think this sort of reactive approach was much more helpful.

The problem for antenatal teachers is that the class time is SO limited. We're talking about something like 14 hours (not counting coffee breaks, relaxation practice etc.) to split between everything from relationships to feeding choices. It's a matter of prioritisation and giving women what is most useful.

yes I see what you are saying Carmen but sadly life isn't always rosy, and things don't always go right. I would have loved to have had the perfect birth (for me that would have been a water birth) but it never happened. I can only go by my own personal experience of when it all goes wrong.

what would give me reassurance would be if more was said about what could go wrong (yes it's depressing, but it beats going into something completely blind on the day you give birth and your whole world falls apart then you end up with PND because you have no idea how you ended up in this situation with no advice given from anyone). I'd rather have the brutal facts, and nothing less. No one wants to think they'll need a C Section, or a forceps delivery OR still birth but to just not include all this in a class is painting a biased view that these things hardly happen. Oh and third degree tears should also be mentioned a bit more often - it does happen and the registrar I spoke to a few weeks ago told me they have one third degree tear once a week at the local hospital. So it doesn't happen to loads of women - but it happens, and that's what's important here. Same with other problems that occur.

Here's a good example of why it's good to know the good and bad aspects of something. Swine flu vaccination or MMR. Surely parents are given both positive and negatives of either of these examples? It makes sense to give a balanced view. Same with childbirth. Lay out all the main possibilities and women will walk away with the information that they need. For those who prefer NOT to know, they can walk away sooner and be ignorant.

I think your approach sounds good, with one expception: this sentence "I'm quite honest about the fact I am encouraging natural birth (people are quite welcome to take one of the copious hospital courses if they want a medicalised approach)" sounds as if it is always going to be down to parental choice.

I spent weeks before each labour in hospital with complications: if anyone had told me that was because I "wanted" a medicalised approach, I would have hit them over the head with a gas bottle.

I wouldn't go to town about possible complications; just briefly mention that sometimes medical complications arise that mean even the best laid plans go wrong without it being anybody's fault. Acts of God do happen.

Both my labours were intensively monitored due to health problems I could do nothing about. I didn't expect my course teacher to prepare me for the details, but would have felt let down if she had suggested that medicalised births only happen to people who want them or because the hospitals want them. Noone wanted them, everybody would have preferred me to have been healthier.

And don't forget to mention that it is possible to breastfeed after a caesarian- lots of women don't know that.

lovechoc:

The problem is, women are already pregnant. They're going to have to give birth whatever happens. What good does it do to dwell on what can go wrong? Because quite honestly the list is endless from blood clots to pre-eclampsia to haemmorhage.

I can say, "Look, these are some interventions which may be suggested and why" and then cover C-Section, ventouse, forceps etc.

I /can/ say that there are sometimes negative outcomes and if that happens there are support services.

I /can/ say that these are signs that something isn't right (i.e. pre-eclampsia symptoms) and what to do about them.

What else should I do? What other information is needed? Surely everyone knows that giving birth is potentially life-threatening for both mother and baby. They don't need it drummed into them. Most women I meet here are terrified. They get scare-stories from doctors and pregnancy magazines all the time and have a disproportionate view of the risks. It contributes to a great deal of anxiety and stress. I try to be a more reassuring force.

Cory: A lot of women here DO want a medicalised approach. Epidural and Pitocin is the norm and the hospital classes teach with that in mind. What I meant here is that I take the women who are actively planning against that (of course nothing is guaranteed, but their chances are better for avoiding Pitocin for example if they make a clear plan to.)

I agree with you about stressing the 'not your fault' approach and this is what I've been wondering over. How you empower women without also making them feel to blame when things don't go to plan.

NCT antenatal classes - can't discuss formula feeding because not allowed to (WHO).

Same for NHS too - can only really help once decision has been made and baby is being formula fed. Would it be helpful if in any antenatal class (NHS/NCT/other) that this was fact was stated so that the mums then knew they would have to find this information out for themselves? Such as NHS bottlefeeding leaflet, NCT info-centre, many other websites?

Apologies as I haven't read the whole thread (will do in a moment) but I have to say that to this day, 6.5 yrs later I am still bitter about my useless ante-natal classes.

Firstly, they sis not advertise themselves at ante-natal classes but FALSELY called themselves 'parentcraft' classes. So I went along assuming they would be just that ie classes in the craft of parenthood. Well I have 4 classes all about bloody labour with one touching on CS. Well just great!

Where was my class in being a parent? Where was I told that BF hurts at first even if you are doing it properly? Where was I told that sleep deprivation sends you almost mad? Where was I told how to hold/bath/change/clothe a newborn? Who told me about the complete isolation of being on my own all day every day with someone so utterly dependent on me for everything? Who told me that you leave university with a degree, a masters and a professional qualification and that you are a rational, competent person before having a baby, that becoming a mother is unlikely to follow the same path?

Oh and whilst I'm at it. Why was my HV's first question to ask me if my mother or MIL lived close by? I answered no but even if they were I have my husband at the weekend! She looked at me even more puzzled and said she meant in the day time. Well both my mother and MIL worked about 50 hours a week and are workaholics. I was stunned that her default assumption was that they'd be at home all day.