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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Isn't is marvellous to see a father with his children?" Grrr!

146 replies

flowerybeanbag · 27/01/2010 10:11

I am BU I know, as it doesn't matter in the slightest.

I have DS1, 2.8, and DS2, 12 weeks. DH takes both out Sunday mornings so I can work. He also had them for an hour and a half on Saturday in town while I was getting my haircut.

It irritates me a bit that the second he is out in public with them alone, he immediately gets queues of women lining up to tell him how well he is coping and how marvellous it is seeing children with their dad. He always gets lots of 'Ahh, isn't he doing so well?' looks and comments.

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of fathers are less willing to do the same, and I am very lucky, but when I am out with both of them, I get no credit at all. Not that I should, obviously! But I dislike the assumption that DH is doing something so marvellous and doing so well by doing it. There's no reason he shouldn't be equally as capable with the children as I am but him coping with both is seen as a massive achievement!

I know I am BU, so feel free to tell me, I just wanted to express my irritation!

OP posts:
brightspark2 · 27/01/2010 10:15

No you're not! Dads who aren't deadbeat or abandoning Dads seem to be a novelty now. Men are just as capable and should be with their children on their own.

UpYourViva · 27/01/2010 10:15

Completely agree!

UpYourViva · 27/01/2010 10:16

I remember watching a documentary a while back about single dads, they were being heavily praised for their 'work' and it annoyed the hell out outa me

UpYourViva · 27/01/2010 10:17

Meant to say hard work

Sassybeast · 27/01/2010 10:17

YANBU. DH is practically up for a parent of the year award when people learn that he looks after them 'on his days off' - the days when 'I' go to work

LittlePeanut · 27/01/2010 10:18

YANBU. I also think it's a very patronising attitude towards your DH (and other men who are capable of pushing a pram).

HanBanan · 27/01/2010 10:18

My ex gets the 'he's such a great dad' pat on the back for having DD once a week for a few hours...I just smile and nod politely. But I'm sure people realise your hard work, we're just expected to do it and men are expected not to.

Original poster
flowerybeanbag · 27/01/2010 10:19

Ooh, maybe IANBU!

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 27/01/2010 10:20

It irritates me when people ask "Where is he then? Babysitting?" I wasn't aware you could babysit for your own children.

coolma · 27/01/2010 10:20

I think we all get that problem - or, my dh gets looked at sympathetically if he's out with them as if he's a 'weekend' dad . grrrr. Hilariously though, as we are both - ahem - 'mature' parents, he does get asked things like 'how old is your granddaughter/son'

thedollshouse · 27/01/2010 10:26

YANBU.

Dh is a very hands on dad as is my nieces husband. My mum was telling me the other day that she was in nieces house and her dh put some washing on without being asked and then put the girls to bed. My mum now thinks he is amazing! To be fair it was completely different in their generation. Fil cannot even fix a simple meal and would have no idea how to work a washing machine. I think that my mil and dm have encouraged that attitude to boost their own sense of worth. It is most certainly a different story these days.

Flowery, I might be asking your advice in a few months time as I have the opportunity of consultancy work with an ex colleague. I used to be on the HR quiche last year, I think I had a different name back then!

Original poster
flowerybeanbag · 27/01/2010 10:28

To be fair to DH, he did say (nicely) 'well it's no more than my wife does all the time' to one woman, who said that you just don't see it often enough with dads. Which is true I guess.

But still Grrr!

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerybeanbag · 27/01/2010 10:29

x-posts thedollshouse, yes please do ask away when you are ready! We should resurrect the HR quiche at some point I reckon.

OP posts:
missorinoco · 27/01/2010 10:36

This gets me going too. DH is a great father, but I do think all he acutally had to do to be considered amazing by my mother and MIL was to acknowledge paternity.

Whereas muggins here.....

I think i might need pulling off my soapbox soon.

lolapoppins · 27/01/2010 10:36

When ds was a baby, dh would get up in the night to feed him.

Cue cries of 'ohhhh, isn't he good!' whenever anyone found out.

Good? For feeding his own child in the night? Would anyone describe a mother as 'good' for doing the same thing? It used to really piss me off.

BadGardener · 27/01/2010 10:40

Aargh, it drives me mad! When dd was born he would get praised a lot for the fact that he had learnt how to change nappies. Well, I also didn't know how to change nappies (or do any other baby-related task) till she came along, but no-one ever seemed to comment on how clever I was

Peachy · 27/01/2010 10:43

My dad used to get this in the seventiespushing my pam; how sad it still happens.

CrystalQueen · 27/01/2010 10:47

My DH is a SAHD and loves the attention he gets at toddler groups etc. It seems quite sad to me that it is still remarkable to have a dad looking after his baby while the mum works.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/01/2010 10:52

I work four days a week, do sole baby care two days and have one 'family day' with my husband. My husband works four days a week, does sole baby care on two and has the same family day.

(We overlap work on two days, she's in nursery then. Used to be one, but then there was no family day)

He is known around the traps as a part-time SAHD because of his two days with E. I am known as a working mother because of my four days in the office.

WE DO THE SAME AMOUNT OF DAYS.

Ahem. Was I shouting? I meant, YANBU.

thatsnotmymonster · 27/01/2010 10:56

My PIL still (try not to) raise their eyebrows when I ask DH to go and attend to a child or change a nappy. They definitely diapprove of me having a weekend away and dh looking after the dc's. FGS they are his kids too. Like I'm meant to just fetch him a paper and a cuppa at the weekend while I run around like an idiot looking ater 3 preschoolers and doing all the housework

BadGardener · 27/01/2010 11:00

And let's not forget:
woman leaving meeting early to pick up children = bit flakey, needs to sort out her childcare as it's not fair on colleagues,
man leaving meeting early to pick up children = how sweet! isn't he a marvellous father!

wukter · 27/01/2010 11:04

YANBU.
And what's worse, I find myself internalising that attitude sometimes. It's that prevalent. Gah

LynetteScavo · 27/01/2010 11:05

A friend of mine used to work evenings, after looking after her toddlers all day. Her DH would come home and put them to bed while she was out at work.

Aparently he was "amazing" and "marvelous".

ChilloOMNIPOTENThippi · 27/01/2010 11:06

YANBU. When DS was a baby, DH was a SAHD and he used to attract women (of all ages) like a magnet if he had DS with him in a buggy.

I'm very pleased to see that at DS's school, it's not at all uncommon for a dad to drop off/pick up the children so no-one bats an eyelid there. It's very refreshing.

lisianthus · 27/01/2010 11:08

YADNBU. It's about the only thing that winds me up about my (otherwise great) PILs. DH plays with DD "Oh isn't he a wonderful father!" DD needs changing/feeding - PILs silently hand her back to me.