"Isn't is marvellous to see a father with his children?" Grrr!

[flowerybeanbag]

I am BU I know, as it doesn't matter in the slightest.

I have DS1, 2.8, and DS2, 12 weeks. DH takes both out Sunday mornings so I can work. He also had them for an hour and a half on Saturday in town while I was getting my haircut.

It irritates me a bit that the second he is out in public with them alone, he immediately gets queues of women lining up to tell him how well he is coping and how marvellous it is seeing children with their dad. He always gets lots of 'Ahh, isn't he doing so well?' looks and comments.

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of fathers are less willing to do the same, and I am very lucky, but when I am out with both of them, I get no credit at all. Not that I should, obviously! But I dislike the assumption that DH is doing something so marvellous and doing so well by doing it. There's no reason he shouldn't be equally as capable with the children as I am but him coping with both is seen as a massive achievement!

I know I am BU, so feel free to tell me, I just wanted to express my irritation!

'YANBU, in the slightest. DP always lets me have a lie in on Saturdays while he gets up with the DCs - then he gets a lie in on Sundays. Lots of people think this is weird, I'm really not sure why.'

Twighlight - we have the same in our house, I wouldn't settle for anything different (well except for me getting two lie ins...)

DH is a PT SAHD and I am a PT SAHM, about a year or so ago my mum send DH £20 worth of Amazon vouchers for being such a good dad . My lack of present is clearly a damning indictment of my parenting skills.

elephants

i have written out so many different variations of what needs done and given him first pick of which jobs he wants/if theres anything he'd prefer not to do and he agrees to it. then as soon as it comes round to when he's supposed to do it he has an excuse or reason why he cant or wont or he'll try and get out of the house for something. and if i try the leave it til its so dirty tactic then it just gets left. he really doesnt see how dirty things get. he was home, off work for a full 7 weeks before xmas. i am on mat leave at the minute so technically both at home all day. i decided i would not clean the bathrooms to see how long it took for him to do it. after 3 weeks i had to do it. he said his reason for not doing it was because i didnt!!!!! wtf.

so nothing works i really dont know how to make him see its all his responsibility as much as mine. i blame his mum.

That sounds so frustrating, Booyhoo. Friends of mine have had luck with the 'fifteen minute sweep' technique - say 'alright, we'll set a timer, both clean for 15 minutes, bet I can get the bathroom done before you're finished the kitchen!' and something about the short time frame and the competition aspect works.

But why you should have to treat your husband like a child who needs to be tricked into housework is beyond me.

We were at the zoo a couple of days ago and my husband took our daughter into the parenting room to change her nappy while I got lunch. He came out all cross, because a mother and daughter (older; daughter in her twenties, mother in her fifties) came in, looked at him and E, and said 'Oh, whoops, this isn't the ladies, this is the room for mothers and babies'.

He said to me "I was standing right there! In front of them!"

it is very frustrating. several times i have threatened to leave him but i know it would be stupid to ruin our family over that. but i reall cannot go on like it the way it is.

it is silly to have to trick an adult into doing what they already should be doing but i need to do something.

really makes me so cross that those who do get funny comments.

booyhoo not read all your posts, lost track, but have you asked him why he is so reluctant to do things?

Eugh, did anyone read that grotesque James Delingpole piece in the Times? Truth be told i can't get beyond page 2, but I thought this was quite telling:

?I think every dad knows this: work is your friend,? says Simon, 49, a fund manager. ?It?s about the only weapon men have got left in these days where husbands and wives are supposed to share all the chores equally. Because of my job I have to work pretty hard. But not nearly as hard as my wife thinks I work. Weekends especially. And it?s not that I don?t love my kids; I adore them more than anything. It?s just that I like them to see me at my best, when I?m doing fun stuff with them, rather than worn down with tedious ferrying duties: recorder concerts, ballet classes, that kind of thing.?

The attitude there is one that is common amongst arseholes some men I think. What it smacks of is the thinking that women are made to do this stuff, so men can luxuriate in just seeing their children when they're "at their best". Sod that this chucks all the responsibility onto the mother, presumably.

Yes, I saw that article.

A lot of the men dh works with are like that. The pretend they are working Friday afternoons and play golf instead. Dh thinks they are really crappy for doing that, especially his friend with six month old triplets! They take the piss out of dh for actually working during that time, or taking the opportunity to come home and be with ds. He works abroad a lot so takes any opportunity to be at home that he can.

Dh has read this thread, and reminded me that when I was pregnant, three or four of his colleagues told him to make sure I breastfed the baby for as long as possible - because then it would never be down to him to get up in the night.

Am I being naive to find that article absolutely shocking?! I'm sure I don't know any men like that.

I don't know flowery, it's vile if that's what you mean. Good discussion of it on the wonderful Tiger Beatdown. I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone that bad either, but having recently spent time with banker types (not for fun) it's amazing how digustingly misogynist people can still be today. I got a lot of "but you see Elephants, women are irrational/are all whores/only like rich men" comments. When I pointed out that neither I, nor any other woman I know, conforms to this stereotype, they looked at me as if I was a zoological curiosity and moved on.

That's why I'll be a feminist, then.

But that article doesn't tell you what "men" are like. It tells you what Mr Delingpole and his mates are like. By his own admission he uses a "sample" of about a dozen men.

He has fallen into a trap which, let's be honest, we often see from female journos - decide on a "phenomenon" you have noted, get selective quotes from people you know (usually "Caroline, 37, a business director" and "Julia, 41, a designer" - why do these people never work in Tesco or for the local authority?), argue it half-convincingly and there's your article.

My DH use to get "oh did she let you out with the baby" everytime he went to tesco while i was recovering from c-section.

DH use to just roll his eyes but was quite insulted, he likes to be just as hands on as me.
he even has to tell his mother to be quiet when she starts on about how she has never seen a father like him. One who minds his dc on his days off and even feeds them food

i do all that too but so what thats no big deal

A father you'd like to see without his children

When my DCs were babies then I would get quite a few women coming over with the "Aw, isn't it lovely to see a man with his baby?" I think that, for some of them at least, it was just an excuse/ice-breaker to come and coo at a gorgeous, squidgy little baby.

Now my children are primary-school age it's not something I've heard for quite a while.

Saying that, when I first became a lone parent, I did have a few comments from female acquaintences along the lines of "I bet you can't wait for your ex to sort herself out so she can look after the children" and "You need to get out there and find a new woman to help you with the kids"

yes, i says it bores him.!!!!

cause i find it positively orgasmic, dont i?

he just doesnt get it. he doesnt like doing it so therefore doesnt do it.

i do it because it needs done and no-one else is going to do it.

sorry that post was for lolapoppins

again sorry, he says it bores him.

i say it bores me

Thanks for that Hully mmm

But Booyhoo, why does he think you should do it? Have you actually asked him that? If he can't "see" what needs doing, he just needs to be doing certain things every so often without relying on his obviously poor eyesight (3 weeks worth of uncleaned bathroom - eurgh!).

Have you got DCs? Are you a SAHM? Or a Doctor of Cleaning Is there any special reason why he thinks it is your job and yours only?

(Apart from the obvious reason that you are a woman and therefore worth less than him, your time is less valuable than his and can therefore be spent cleaning, and that as he is a man he deserves to have his messes cleared up. I'm trying not to write him off as the massive misogynist I strongly suspect him to be.)

yes there is a reason he thinks i should do it. because his mother did and still does everything in their home for a complete misogynist of a husband without any thanks or gratitude. and he is stil holding out the hope that all women, more importantly me, are teh same and will just do it for him.

time we had a 'chat' me thinks.

booyhoo - You are clearly unhappy with the set up and you need to tell him so. I hope you get it sorted out, it's unfair on you.

Ok so he is a massive misogynist, what a bummer.

The privilege of being a man, even today, is that you know that if you don't do any housework, someone else will eventually come along and do it for you. Imagine! Imagine growing up and thinking you just have to wait until you're shacked up and then you never have to cook, clean or care for your children because your partner is less important than you and it's her job.

Have you read this? The Politics of Housework Scary thing is, this was written 40 years ago and nothing has changed, for example:

'What he says:"Housework is too trivial to even talk about." MEANING: It's even more trivial to do. Housework is beneath my status. My purpose in life is to deal with matters of significance. Yours is to deal with matters of insignificance. You should do the housework.'

I think you really need to get angry with him and issue an ultimatum. This is not a small deal, this is your whole life. I don't know whether you have a DD but if you do, think of her growing up and being treated by some bloke as if she is just there to clean up his messes and feed him, and that's all she is worth.

Reading the OP I think she's got the wrong end of the stick:
Those women are lining up to cuddle the 12 week old baby,
and only complimenting the Dad for 'access' reasons!

Seriously, I am not sure where the OP lives (Saudi?) but it's not really that unusual to see men with their kids out and about.

A man with a very small baby, on the other hand, appears to be something that most women find too cute to ignore.
Probably because of that 80s poster.