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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Isn't is marvellous to see a father with his children?" Grrr!

146 replies

flowerybeanbag · 27/01/2010 10:11

I am BU I know, as it doesn't matter in the slightest.

I have DS1, 2.8, and DS2, 12 weeks. DH takes both out Sunday mornings so I can work. He also had them for an hour and a half on Saturday in town while I was getting my haircut.

It irritates me a bit that the second he is out in public with them alone, he immediately gets queues of women lining up to tell him how well he is coping and how marvellous it is seeing children with their dad. He always gets lots of 'Ahh, isn't he doing so well?' looks and comments.

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of fathers are less willing to do the same, and I am very lucky, but when I am out with both of them, I get no credit at all. Not that I should, obviously! But I dislike the assumption that DH is doing something so marvellous and doing so well by doing it. There's no reason he shouldn't be equally as capable with the children as I am but him coping with both is seen as a massive achievement!

I know I am BU, so feel free to tell me, I just wanted to express my irritation!

OP posts:
GibbonInARibbon · 27/01/2010 15:54

I agree with Kew agreeing with Bran.

Hullygully · 27/01/2010 15:56

I see many women

pagwatch · 27/01/2010 15:57

I concur with anyone who agrees with Hully agreeing with Bran.
And I agree with umami just on principal

Hullygully · 27/01/2010 15:59

A granddad complimented me

Umami · 27/01/2010 16:01

I see dead people.

sweetkitty · 27/01/2010 16:08

Even DP gets annoyed when asked if he is babysitting and ALL 3 on his own.

I remember the first time his mother saw him change a nappy she nearly gave him a round of applause.

Hullygully · 27/01/2010 16:08

I have NEVER had this

Umami · 27/01/2010 16:09

I have NEVER had Hully.

Hullygully · 27/01/2010 16:16

Do you deny me, you cruel and heartless wench? Twas a different story behind yon bike shed last Lammas night.

Bran agrees.

Umami · 27/01/2010 16:19

Ask him if he is aware of his tautology.

TottWriter · 27/01/2010 16:31

eagerbeagle, I know exactly where you're coming from. I hate housework.

Mind you, I can't cook for toffee either. My DP quite enjoys cooking, so he does all that too! Mind you, he is home all day along with myself, and his depression means that he can't cope with DS acting up very well. I tend to do more of the putting him to bed, and being patient when he's in a mood, so it works out.

As for bathing, I have epilepsy, so from the start he's had to be there when DS is washed because it's not safe for me to do it alone. And if he goes shopping without me, it's much easier to carry the stuff back with DS in the pram than lug it back in carriers, even the nice fabric ones. I think he got some comments when DS was a week or two old and I was still to sore to leave the house, but other than that I think only a somewhat overenthusiastic woman at Boots remarks, and, frankly, she gets excited whenever she sees an under-eight, so that's rather different.

OP, you are completely NBU, by the way. I would be rather peeved if my Dp got applause for doing things when it was taken for granted that I would be doing the same. I worked briefly (before my epilepsy got out of control again; DP is my carer as well as a father) and everyone raised eyebrows that my son was at home with his dad. Honestly. Possibly the worst offender was my mother, who seemed to think that it was my job to be 'provided for', coming in second to my FIL, who was a bank manager and so disapproved of my DP being a 'house husband'.

MorrisZapp · 27/01/2010 16:34

YANBU

I had the opposite though - a hellfire feminist (and domestically lazy) mum, and a long suffering, multi tasking dad then later stepdad.

If I see my mum tidying up or babysitting the grandkids on her own I'm all over it 'Wow mum, great job' etc.

But I don't praise the men in my family for doing it all - it's just expected.

dawntigga · 27/01/2010 16:39

YANBU, I saw a father the other day in a well known coffee chain with baby in the front of one of those carry things. Sooooooo many women made a fuss over him. Had it been a woman they'd have been bloody tutting about having hot drinks near a baby. I said as much and wasn't the most popular person in the room.

NotPopularButWillNotPutUpWithDoubleStandardsTiggax

lolapoppins · 27/01/2010 18:01

Booyhoo sorry been out with ds. But to answer your question from earlier, bed/bath etc we don't actually have a routine for ds in that sense. Someone baths him when he's dirty and we all pootle upstairs at the same time anyhow - big cold house, lol!

We keep on top the cleaning, if something is dirty then who ever will clean it, no issue over who will do it. We cook our own food or dh cooks if we are eating together.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 27/01/2010 18:12

The older I get the more impressed I am with my dad. When I was little he used to look after me a lot, and apparently was very good at the birth, cutting cord etc. He is very good at looking after himself, cooks dinner, does cleaning when it needs doing. I think it really diminshes men to say 'They aren't capable'. Of course they fucking are, it's not brain surgery! I think a lot of women encourage the attitude in the mistaken belief that it makes them seem superior. Uh, no it makes you a mug, when 20 years on your DH doesn't know how any of the appliances work and you've been an unpaid skivvy half your life. Loser.

With DPs past and present they have had to get used to doing their share as I am simply too lazy to do so. That's what you have to put up with for being with someone so bee-yoo-ti-ful.

bran · 27/01/2010 18:18

Kew, I've already said I'll come and visit you. You can stop brown-nosing now.

at everyone else agreeing with me.

nighbynight · 27/01/2010 18:22

I almost get tears in my eyes when I see dads out with their children, it is from envy, because my ex does so little.

But every time he does do anything with teh chidlren, he expects a round of applause, and blatantly laps up the female admiration.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2010 19:02

You are so right Brahms. My mum would have thought my dad had had a lobotomy if for some reason he'd said he was unable to look after us/put the washing on etc. Exactly, it's the women that lose out every time when they make excuses for the men. If your DP "cannot" work the iron, this does not make you a genius for being able to do it. In fact it makes him a lazy fucker and you a mug.

Your lucky DP by the way, i hear you are a foxy mama

ButterPie · 27/01/2010 19:49

What I found terribly sad is that the Santa at the playgroup Christmas do was female - they couldn't even get a man to do that. I think I have seen one father and about three Grandfathers outside of my family at playgroups/dancing lessons/baby clinics since I started this whole children thing. Any time DP has come along he has been commented on and he has often had trouble finding a changing table open to men.

I was a bit shocked when the hv in our new area didn't want to meet dp (at the time, he was the main carer for dd) but desperately needed to meet me. The meeting turned out to just be her assessing DD's progress, so no idea why it mattered which parent was present

sarahken · 27/01/2010 20:01

YANBU- I'm going back to work full time in a few weeks and my husband will go back to looking after the kids all day when I work mon-fri. My mother is fussing saying she will take my ds out some afternoons and she will pay for ds to go to nursery as my dh will need a break- nobody ever gave me a bloody afternoon off to do my own thing and I won't be getting any time away from the kids because as soon as I come home my dh goes out to work. People seem to have this feeling that childcare is solely the females responsibility and any man taking the childcare on is doing his wife a favour.

thisxgirl · 27/01/2010 20:16

YANBU.

DP and I were eating lunch out today and he was pushing the pushchair and then sitting next to DS (6 mo) at the table. Generally, he is not a very hands-on father at the moment but the waitress (who I vaguely know) exclaimed, "Oh! You've got a nanny and a partner all rolled into one there!"

And I just thought, a nanny? No, he's his father. He's making a minimal contribution here, actually, in the big scale of things - but I expect that contribution (rather think of it as a bonus/achievement/noteworthy) as he is my partner in parenthood.

Lolbilly · 27/01/2010 20:21

YANBU!! Since the birth of our baby four and a bit months ago I have become sick of even some of my closest friends saying about DH "ah he's such a hands on dad isn't he!". He is brilliant, but not one person has mentioned what a hands on mum I am!!

MumtoEliane · 27/01/2010 20:32

I look after DD all day and a good bit of the evenings, dad is there to give a hand, but is still me who does nappies, feeds, baths, etc.

My stepmum who is about 50 thinks I am a BAD PARTNER and he is a COMPLETE SAINT because he cooks dinner most nights. Fairly enough he says "I've been doing it for years for myself, I don't mind". And she thinks he is about to file for separation since I told her he irons his own shirts!

expatinscotland · 27/01/2010 20:32

Applauds Brahms!

Too right.

I have two daughters and one son and you can better believe they're being brought up, 'Do unto others as you would have them do to you.'

If you don't want to be treated like a mug, a skivvy, a doormat, then don't. And don't treat your partner like that, either.

ruddynorah · 27/01/2010 20:47

when the midwife came to see us a week after ds was born she asked me what colour his poos were. i thought about it and said 'mmm, not sure, dh does the nappies' she looked at me like i was a freak. so i said, 'he's just out shopping with dd right now but i can ring him to ask if you really need to know.' she, again, looked at me like i was a weirdo.

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